South Park Episode 101 "CARTMAN GETS AN ANAL PROBE" By Matt Stone & Trey Parker EXT. SCHOOL BUS STOP - MORNING STAN, KYLE AND KENNY wait in the snow for their school bus, holding their lunch boxes and debating. KIDS (Singing) School days school days, teacher's golden- Kyle's little brother, IKE, bounces into frame. KYLE -Ah damn it, my little brother's trying to follow me to school again. IKE tries to talk. IKE BaBa Simi KYLE Ike, you can't come to school with me! IKE BaBa Simi ba baa. CARTMAN Yeah, go home you little dildo. KYLE Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo. STAN What's a dildo? KYLE I don't know... and I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either! CARTMAN I know what it means! KYLE Well, what?! CARTMAN ...I'm not telling you. STAN What's a dildo, Kenny? Kenny talks, but we can't understand him through his thick coat. KENNY Mph rmph phrmph m phrmph mmr. The boys all laugh. CARTMAN HA YEAH! THAT'S WHAT KYLE'S LITTLE BROTHER IS ALRIGHT!! Suddenly, Kyle grabs Ike by the feet, swings him around, and bashes Cartman in the face. CARTMAN OW! STAN Dude that kicks ass! KYLE Yeah! Check this one out! (to Ike) Ready Ike? Kick the baby IKE Don't kick the baby. KYLE Kick the baby. Kyle kicks his brother down the icy road. IKE Wahhhhh! Ike shoots down the road with a playful scream, and crashes head first into a group of mail boxes. Cartman yawns grotesquely. STAN Whoa, Cartman, looks like you didn't get much sleep last night. CARTMAN That's 'cause I was having these bogus nightmares. KYLE Really, what about? CARTMAN Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed... In the dark... INT. CARTMAN'S BEDROOM - DREAM SEQUENCE Cartman is lying in his bed. CARTMAN(V.O.) ...When all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room. A bright light fills the room. CARTMAN And slowly my bedroom door began to open... And then the next thing I remember, I was being drug through a hallway! INT. ALIEN SHIP - DREAM SEQUENCE Cartman is being dragged by his ankles down a dark, organic corridor like the one seen in 'Fire In The Sky'. CARTMAN Then I was lying on a table, and these scary aliens wanted to operate on me! And they had big heads... And big black eyes- EXT. BUSSTOP - (REALITY) The boys are listening to Cartman's story with wide eyes and open mouths. Even little Ike is enthralled. STAN Dude! Visitors! KYLE Totally! CARTMAN What? STAN That wasn't a dream, Cartman, those were visitors! CARTMAN (Nervous) No, it was just a dream. My mom said so! STAN Visitors are real! KYLE Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows! CARTMAN Ah shut up, you guys, you're just trying to make me scared, and it's not working. A large Chevy screeches to a halt. CHEF gets out of the car and approaches the kids. CHEF Hello there, children. KIDS Hey, Chef. STAN What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef? CHEF Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole or vegetable medley. CARTMAN Kick ass! CHEF Say, did any of you children see the alien spaceship last night? CARTMAN HUH?! STAN Yeah, fat boy saw it! CARTMAN No! Th-That was just a dream! And I'm NOT fat, I'm big-boned. CHEF (To Cartman) Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the black eyes? CARTMAN (PETRIFIED) AH! STAN They took him on their ship! CHEF Ooh... Did they give you an anal probe? CARTMAN AGH! STAN What's an anal probe? CHEF That's when they put this big metal hoop-a-joo up your butt. KYLE Woa! They gave you an anal probe, Cartman? CARTMAN (Defensive) No! I mean... Uh... Why would they do that? STAN Dude, they DID huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass! CARTMAN NO! IKE Ana Pobe! CARTMAN SHUT UP, DILDO! CHEF Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria. You children watch that fat boy now, he could be under alien control. Chef turns to get back in his car and Cartman notices that the back of Chef's shirt has an EXACT image of the alien he saw, and the word 'Believe'. CHEF peels off. KYLE We told you they were real Cartman. Sorry to hear about your ass. CARTMAN (Extremely angry) God Dammit, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream! The school bus pulls up and the boys start getting on. KYLE Why are you walking so funny, Cartman? CARTMAN Shut up! Little Ike tries to follow his brother onto the bus. IKE I'll bla bblaa blaa KYLE No, Ike! Go home! Kyle gets ready to kick his brother. IKE Bla Wa Wah KYLE This is it!! This one's for the game. IKE Bllaa aaahh haah KYLE Kick the baby. Kyle kicks his brother through the school bus window, and Ike flies into a snowbank. The boys quickly get on the bus. Ike pulls his head out of the snow and looks around for his brother. INT. SCHOOL BUS - MORNING The kids walk past their mean old bus driver, MS. CRABTREE. STAN Good morning, Ms. Crabtree. MS. CRABTREE Sit down! We're running late! Stan and Kyle walk to the back of the bus and take their seats. Cartman and Kenny sit up a few rows. Kyle looks out the back window to see Ike still standing at the bus stop. KYLE Dammit, he's still there! STAN Oh, don't worry about him. KYLE No, dude, if something happens to him my parents are gonna blame me! MS. CRABTREE SIT DOWN BACK THERE!! AAHHHH!!! STAN Yeah, whatever you fat bitch. MS. CRABTREE WHAT DID YOU SAY?! STAN I said I have a bad itch. MS. CRABTREE Oh. Stan and Kyle sit down and the school bus moves on. Kyle turns around one last time to look at his brother. KYLE OH MY GOD!!!! EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY A group of VISITORS, with large heads and almond shaped eyes, surround Ike. INT. - BUS KYLE AND STAN VISITORS! Scared, Kenny pulls his hood shut. KENNY Mph mprmhpm bmarmphs! KYLE Ike!!! EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY The visitors lead Ike to a large space craft hidden in the trees. INT. BUS KYLE STOP THE BUS! Kyle runs to the front of the bus. KYLE Ms. Crabtree, you have to stop this bus! MS. CRABTREE Do you want an office referral?! KYLE (SCARED) No. MS.CRABTREE Then sit down! KYLE But I.... MS. CRABTREE AAHH!!! KYLE AAHHH!!!!! MS. CRABTREE & KYLE AAHHHH!!!!! Kyle runs to the back of the bus and hopelessly looks out the back window again just in time to see the spaceship take off. STAN Cartman, are those the same Visitors you saw?! Cartman isn't looking. He still thinks this is all a big joke. CARTMAN Shut up, you guys, it's not working. KYLE We have to do something! STAN Well, we can't do anything for now. That fat bitch won't let us. MS. CRABTREE WHAT DID YOU SAY?! STAN I-I said that rabbits eat lettuce. MS. CRABTREE Oh... (Pause) Well, yes, they certainly do. Ms. Crabtree turns the schoolbus violently and the children go flying everywhere screaming. KYLE What am I going to do? My little brother’s been abducted by aliens. Stan farts. KYLE You farted! The kids laugh. CARTMAN Somebody's baking brownies. We see the alien space ship leave the planet. EXT. CATTLE RANCH - DAY CATTLE RANCHER That's the third cow this month, at this rate all my cattle are gonna die before the Winter's through. The cows look up with concern. OFFICER BARBRADY This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time. The cows shake their heads. CATTLE RANCHER People been sayin' they've been seeing UFO's around. OFFICER BARBRADY UFO's?? Ha Ha. CATTLE RANCHER Yea, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks. OFFICER BARBRADY That is the silliest thing I've ever heard. Just then black army helicopters fly by. CATTLE RANCHER What was that? OFFICER BARBRADY That, that was a pigeon. CATTLE RANCHER What am I supposed to do Barbrady? Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one? We see the aliens with grass in their hands whistling to the cows. CATTLE RANCHER Hey, my cattle!! You see there is something funny going on. OFFICER BARBRADY There's nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows back. INT. CLASSROOM - SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY MR. GARRISON And now children, our friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus. Mr. Garrison has a ridiculous little puppet on his right hand that wears a striped hat. MR. HAT That's right Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America, and was the Indians best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Frederick Douglas, and, and freed the Hebrews from Napoleon, and discovered France. KYLE (TO STAN) Oh man, I can't just sit here! I have to help my stupid brother or I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling - "Where's your brother, Kyle!" "You weren't looking out for your little brother Kyle!" STAN Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him- KYLE "You know he can't think on his own, Kyle. Brush and Floss, Kyle!" "Where has that finger been, Kyle?!" STAN DUDE! MR. GARRISON Is there a problem, boys? KYLE Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now. MR. GARRISON Oh really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor? KYLE No, my little brother has been abducted by aliens. Mr. Garrison stares blankly at Kyle. KYLE It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe! Cartman looks around at the other children, extremely embarrassed, and finally forces a little laugh as if to say it's all a little joke. CARTMAN Uhh.. Huh, huh... That's a little joke. Kyle steps to the front of class. KYLE Mr. Garrison, seriously, I HAVE to go! Can I PLEASE be excused from class? MR. GARRISON I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat? Kyle looks down at the stupid puppet on Garrison's hand. KYLE I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking YOU! MR. GARRISON Oh, I think you should ask Mr. Hat. KYLE (SIGHING) Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?... Mr. Garrison shoves his puppeted hand violently in Kyle's face, and changes his voice. MR.HAT Well Kyle, NO! You hear me? You go to hell, you go to hell and you die! MR. GARRISON Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle. KYLE Dammit! CARTMAN Ha, ha! Mr. Hat yelled at you! Just then, Cartman farts a HUGE fireball. CARTMAN AAAGHH!! Ow, my ass! STAN Damn Cartman! He farts another fire ball. CARTMAN OW! OWWW MY ASS!! KYLE Dude, he's farting fire! STAN (pointing to Cartman) It's the alien anal probe! It's shooting fire from Cartman's rectum!! CARTMAN No, that was just a dream! Cartman farts another flame. MR. GARRISON Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control? CARTMAN No, Mr. Garrison. I'm fine. Cartman farts a HUG fireball which burns PIP, a little english boy. PIP OWWWW!!!!! The class watches as their classmate runs out in flames. ACT II EXT. TRAIN CROSSING - DAY A train is passing by and the cows are standing in line trying to get on. TRAIN ENGINEER Hey, you cows can't get on this train, this is a people train. You cows have no business on a people train, alright, 'cause you're cows. The cows stare at the engineer. TRAIN ENGINEER No, no no, don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me alright, 'cause it's not going to work!!! Just then, Officer Barbrady drives up with his sirens on. OFFICER BARBRADY Hold it right there cows. Cows start to stampede away from Barbrady. OFFICER BARBRADY Come back here! INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY The kids are all in line for lunch. Cartman farts a huge fireball. CARTMAN OOOOWWWW!!! Ooh, I sure am hungry. STAN How can you eat when you're farting fire? CARTMAN Shut up, dude. You're being totally immature. KYLE Hey look! There's Wendy Testaburger! STAN Where? Adorable little WENDY TESTABURGER steps into the lunch line. ZOOM in on Stan who is absolutely in love. Little Hearts form all around his head - and Tchaikovsky's 'Romeo and Juliet' swells up. The other boys see Stan's reaction and laugh. CARTMAN (Singing) Stan wan-ts to ki-ss Wen-dy Testaburger STAN Shut up Fat Ass! I don't even like her! CARTMAN I'm not fat - And you obviously like her, because you throw up every time she talks to you! STAN I do not! Wendy walks up to the boys. WENDY Hi guys. KYLE AND CARTMAN Hi Wendy. WENDY Here Stan, this is for you. Wendy hands Stan a note. Stan VOMITS VIOLENTLY all over himself. WENDY Ew! KYLE AND CARTMAN Bye Wendy. Wendy walks away. KYLE Dude, what does the note say?! Stan opens the note and reads it. STAN Holy crap! It says she wants to meet ME at Starks Pond after school. KYLE Whoa, maybe you can kiss her. CARTMAN Or slip her the tongue. KENNY Mmmph mrrr mff Mrmmph STAN What? How do you know she has a cat? After a painfully long pause, the boys all laugh. CARTMAN I get it. KYLE C'mon you guys, we need to figure out how to get out of school so we can get my little brother back! The boys make it to the front of the line, where Chef is handing lunch trays to the boys and girls. CHEF Hello there children. KIDS Hey, Chef. CHEF How are you doing? KYLE Bad. CHEF Why bad? KYLE Chef, have you ever had something happen to you... But nobody believed you? CHEF Aw, children, children, that's a problem we've ALL had to face at some time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song... It might clear things up. Music swells up. CHEF (SINGING) I'm gonna make love to you woman, gonna lay you down by the fire - And caress your womanly body, make you moan and perspire, STAN Ah Chef, Chef. CHEF Gonna get those juices flowin' STAN Chef. CHEF We're making love gravy, love gravy, STAN Chef!!!!! CHEF Love, love, love.... GRAVY!!!- STAN -CHEF!! The music stops. CHEF Huh, do you feel better? KYLE No! CHEF Oh, come on children, what can be so bad? It's Salisbury steak day! STAN Visitors took Kyle's baby brother. CHEF WHAT?! Chef runs around the counter and kneels down by the kids. CHEF (Whispering) Well what the hell are you doing in school, eating Salisbury steak?! Go find him, dammit! STAN Mr. Garrison won't let us out of school. He thinks we're making it up. CARTMAN You ARE making it up! Just then, Cartman farts another fireball. But this time, a long, metal object emerges from his ass. It opens like a robotic eye and looks around. STAN Woa! CARTMAN What? The eye looks around, blinks, then closes itself and zips back into Cartman's ass. KYLE That was cool! Chef spins Cartman around and looks at his ass. CHEF It's some kind of sembiodic metamorphosis device. This could mean the visitors want to communicate with us! CARTMAN Oh, I see, now YOU'RE going to join in on the little joke, huh? CHEF It's no joke children, this is big! KYLE (pleading) Please Chef, if I don't get out of school and get my little brother back from the aliens, my parents are gonna disown me. Chef thinks for a second. CHEF Ah, hold on now... You got to help the children! CARTMAN You guys sure are going a long way to try to scare me. I WANT MY SALISBURY STEAK!!! Chef pulls the fire alarm. CHEF Fire Drill!!! Fire Drill, everybody out. Okay children, this is your chance. The boys all take off. STAN Killer, thanks Chef. CHEF Man oh man, first contact with the alien visitors. I've got to get myself ready... EXT. LITTLE TOWN - SOUTH PARK Kids are singing. KIDS We got out of school... No more school today... We got out of school. Cartman farts a fire ball. CARTMAN OHHHH - YOU GUYS, MY ASS!! SERIOUSLY. STAN Okay, Cartman, you can stop farting fire now. CARTMAN I would if I could you son of a bitch! KYLE Okay, so how do we get my little brother back? CARTMAN Would you stop going on about your little brother?! I KNOW it was just a dream! I KNOW I didn't have an anal probe! And I KNOW that I'm not under alien control!!! Suddenly, there is a loud BZAP!!! Cartman's expression completely changes. His eyes widen - and his mouth curls into a false smile. Strange 30's music starts to play from nowhere and Cartman starts to sing (although his voice isn't his own) CARTMAN (Singing) I love to sing-a! About the moon-a and the Juna and the spring-a! I love to sing-a! Stan and Kyle look on, perplexed. CARTMAN About a sky of blue or a tea for two. Just as suddenly as it started, the music stops and Cartman goes back to his normal self. The boys all stare at each other. Cartman looks absolutely baffled. STAN What the hell was that?! KYLE He is under alien control. That thing in his butt is linked up to the visitors. CARTMAN Oh, son of a bitch. ACT III FADE OUT FADE IN CARTMAN You guys shut up, I'm not under alien control. Kyle walks up to Cartman's ear and starts screaming in it. KYLE HEY!! IF YOU VISITORS CAN HEAR ME -- BRING ME BACK MY LITTLE BROTHER GOD DAMMIT! CARTMAN Ow! That hurts, you butt licker! Suddenly, a small alien scout ship flies by. STAN KYLE, LOOK! It's them! Kyle picks a rock up off the ground. KYLE GIVE ME BACK MY BROTHER! Kyle throws the rock at the UFO. DING! The UFO stops and fires a yellow ray at the boys. The ray hits Kenny, and blows him back several yards. Kenny lands with a horrible bone breaking CRUNCH! STAN Oh my God!! They killed Kenny! KYLE YOU BASTARDS!! COME BACK HERE!! COME BAAAAACK! But the little UFO's disappear into the sky. KYLE DAMMIT! We were so close! STAN Hey, look - I think Kenny's okay! Kenny manages to pick himself up off the ground. He looks pretty bad, but he might be- Just then the cows come stampeding through and run over Kenny. KENNY Mff mrrr mph VWOOM!! Officer Barbrady's car races through frame and runs over Kenny. The boys walk over to Kenny's bleeding body. STAN Wow, poor Kenny. KYLE Now do you believe us Cartman? CARTMAN No! STAN Cartman, they KILLED Kenny! CARTMAN He's not dead. STAN Dude, Kenny is dead! See?! CARTMAN Shut up, you guys. KYLE (Pulling Kenny's head off) He's DEAD, Cartman. CARTMAN GOD DAMMIT I DIDN'T HAVE AN ANAL PROBE!!! There is a long pause. CARTMAN Screw you guys, I'm going home! Cartman walks away. KYLE Go on and go home you Fat Chicken! CARTMAN (O.S.) Dildo! KYLE You're all I have left, Stan. STAN Sorry dude, I gotta go meet Wendy Testaburger. KYLE You can't! Poor Ike must be so scared... Up there all alone... You gotta help me dude! STAN Dude, like Chef says, I gotta get a piece of loving while the gettin's hot. Stan walks away. Rats come into frame and feast on Kenny's dead body. KYLE Rats! INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DUSK Cartman walks into his house and is greeted by his overly pleasant MOTHER. MRS. CARTMAN Hello Eric. CARTMAN Hi Mom. MRS. CARTMAN How are you doing? CARTMAN Well, I'm pissed off. MRS. CARTMAN Here, I made you powder doughnut pancake surprise. CARTMAN I don't want powder doughnut pancake surprise! All the kids at school call me fat! MRS. CARTMAN You're not fat, you're big boned. CARTMAN That's what I said. MRS. CARTMAN You can have an eency weency bit can't you? CARTMAN NO! MRS. CARTMAN Just a weency eency woo woo. CARTMAN NO leave me alone mom! MRS. CARTMAN How about a nice chocolate chicken potpie, then? CARTMAN What? Well that does sound pretty good. Cartman sits down at the couch and turns on the T.V. CARTMAN Uh, Mom? MRS. CARTMAN Yes, hon? CARTMAN If anybody calls or comes over - I'm not here, okay? MRS. CARTMAN Sure, hon. You want some Cheesy Poofs too? CARTMAN Yea I want Cheesy Poofs! EXT. STARK'S POND - AFTERNOON Stan and Kyle are standing at Stark's pond. KYLE Well, looks like she's not gonna show up, Stan. Let's go look for the visitors now. STAN But her note said she'd be here! WENDY Hi Stan. Wendy appears from frame left. Stan immediately vomits all over himself. WENDY Ew! KYLE You can't talk to Stan, Wendy, he throws up when you do. WENDY But why Stan? Stan vomits some more. WENDY Eww! KYLE Look, could you guys just get down to business so we can go find my little brother? WENDY Huh? KYLE Just make sweet love down by the fire. WENDY What happened to your little brother? INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - LATE AFTERNOON Cartman is still busy eating and watching T.V. ANGLE - TELEVISION A TV REPORTER stands out in a random wheat field. TV REPORTER As the reports of UFO sightings increase, more mysterious crop-circle patterns are appearing in fields all around South Park. These crop circles, when viewed from above, form strange patterns... ZOOM OUT to show a huge crop-circle that looks EXACTLY like Cartman. RESUME - CARTMAN ON COUCH CARTMAN Hey, that kinda looks like... Tom Selleck. TV REPORTER (O.S.) Could it be that aliens are trying to make contact with us here on Earth? Just then, Cartman's cute little kitty, KITTY, walks up and looks at him innocently. The kitty MEOWs. CARTMAN No Kitty... This is MY pot-pie. The cat meows again. CARTMAN No kitty! Bad Kitty!! No Kitty, this is MY pot pie!!! MOMM!!! Kitty's being a dildo!! Cartman's mother appears from the kitchen. CARTMAN'S MOM Well then I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with mommy tonight. CARTMAN What? EXT. STARK'S POND - AFTERNOON Kyle is finishing his story to Wendy. KYLE ...And now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed! WENDY Well, why don't you go get the fat kid? KYLE Why? WENDY Well if the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, maybe the visitors are using him as part of their plan. You should use the fat kid as bait to bring them back. KYLE Hey, you're right Wendy! C'mon Stan, We have to go get Cartman! WENDY C'mon Stan! Stan vomits. WENDY Ewwww! STAN Hey wait, when do I get to make sweet love? INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON CARTMAN No Kitty!! You can't have any!! The cat puts its paw up and meows cutely. CARTMAN NO KITTY! THIS IS MY POT-PIE! BAD KITTY!! Cartman farts a fireball onto his cat. The cat runs away, on fire, making horrible sounds. CARTMAN Oh, excuse me, kitty. Cartman's mother opens the door to reveal Stan, Kyle and Wendy. MRS. CARTMAN Eric, look who's here! CARTMAN Dude, WEAK mom! KYLE Come on, Eric, we're going to go play at the bus stop. CARTMAN Can't- My mom says- MRS. CARTMAN That's okay, Eric. I think you need to spend time with your little friends. CARTMAN But mom, I don't want to spend time with my little friends. MRS. CARTMAN Don't be difficult, Eric. Now you go out and play in the fun snow. CARTMAN God Dammit! The burning kitty races through frame. EXT. REMOTE LOCATION BY A TREE - NIGHT Stan ties a rope to Cartman's ankle. Kyle ties the other end to a nearby tree. CARTMAN (EXTREMELY NERVOUS) You guys, I have to get home. STAN Don't be such a fraidy cat, Cartman! This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again. Wendy, Stan and Kyle walk over to some bushes and crouch down, leaving Cartman all alone in the darkness. Cartman stares up nervously at the starry, ominous sky. CARTMAN Oh man, this sucks. KYLE How come the visitors aren't coming for him? STAN I think we need to signal the them somehow. Cartman farts and a flame lights up the surroundings. CARTMAN OWWWWW! WENDY Hey, he's like rudolph! KYLE Yeah all you have to do is fart some more, Cartman, and the visitors are sure to come. CARTMAN Really? Uhh.. I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight. KYLE Sure you do! STAN Come on, Cartman! Fart! CARTMAN I don't wanna... STAN He can't hold it in forever. KYLE Fart Damn you! CARTMAN Okay!! That does it!!! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of MY ASS?! I'm sick of it! It's completely immature!!! Suddenly, the metal rod emerges once again from Cartman's ass. STAN Hey! It's happening again! This time, the rod looks around, then expands, and expands, folds over onto itself and expands again, until finally an eighty foot satellite dish is sticking out of Cartman's ass. KYLE Woa! Look at that! STAN Now do you believe us Cartman?! Cartman glances quickly at the dish. CARTMAN You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all up! STAN Cartman! There's an eighty-foot satellite dish sticking out of your ass! CARTMAN Sure you guys, whatever. The dish powers up with a low hum and a huge yellow beam of light shoots out from it like a searchlight. EXT. OUTER SPACE The beam of light emulates from Earth and shoots outwards into space. EXT. CHEF'S BACK YARD Chef is dressed in party clothes and sunglasses. He is sitting in a lounge chair out on his front lawn. He has a little sign that reads 'Welcome Visitors!' Chef notices the big bright light. CHEF Oh, boy! The aliens are going to make first contact! Chef swigs a beer. CHEF (Shouting) Hey, down here! We are ready for your wisdom! (Checking his watch) And you only got twenty minutes before Sanford and Son is on! RESUME - FIELD CARTMAN YOU GUYS! I AM SERIOUSLY GETTING PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW! I KNOW THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS ALIENS!! Just then, a HUGE alien mother ship drops down from the sky directly above Cartman. It is quickly followed by several scout ships. CARTMAN OH, GOD DAMMIT!! Mr. Garrison is driving by and stops when he sees all the commotion. MR. GARRISON What the? I tell you, there is some crazy stuff going on in this town. Mr. Hat pops up. MR. HAT You can say that again, Mr. Garrison. KYLE Come down here you stinkin' aliens! Five aliens beam down, and instantly appear in front of Stan, Kyle, and Wendy. The kids are really scared. STAN Go on, Kyle, ask them for your little brother back... KYLE (Tenderly) V-Visitors... This morning you took my brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football... The Visitors stare at Kyle. KYLE At first I was happy you took him away... But I've learned something today; that having a little brother is a pretty special thing. STAN Yeah... Violin music swells up. KYLE Aw, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could just find it in your hearts or whatever you have to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again Kyle bows his head down and starts to sob. STAN That was beautiful, dude. KYLE (still looking down) Did it work? STAN Nope, they're leaving. KYLE HEY YOU SKRAWNY ASS (BEEP)-HEADS! The visitors turn around. KYLE WHAT'S THE (BEEP) IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU (BEEP) LITTLE (BEEP). YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF (BEEP) TO BE ABLE TO IGNORE A CRYING CHILD. Stan is absolutely shocked. STAN Woa, dude. KYLE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE!? I BET YOU'D ALL LIKE TO (BEEP) YOUR OWN (BEEP) WHILE SHE (BEEP) ON YOUR (BEEP) (BEEP)!! STAN Hey Wendy, what's a (BEEEEEP) Wendy shrugs. Suddenly, a large door on the alien mothership opens. Ike is entombed in some sort of alien machinery. He is being spun around and is shocked with all sorts of alien electricy but generally looks as happy as he always does. IKE Blaa Ba Wah Wahh KYLE Ike! Jump down now for the love of God Ike, JUMP!!!! IKE Bo ham me! Just then, the herd of cows comes running in. The cows come to a screeching halt RIGHT IN FRONT of the aliens! Their poor little cow eyes grow wide and they start to shake. The visitors stare at the cows. The cows shiver, they have nowhere to run. Finally, one of the visitors raises its hand in a Vulcan-like gesture. VISITOR Moo. The cows all look suprised. VISITOR Mooo. Moooo. Mooo. SUBTITLES: "Greetings, Cows of Earth. We come in peace." The cows all look at each other. Finally, one cow makes a noise. COW Moo? SUBTITLES: "Really?" Meanwhile, Kyle and the kids are still trying to get Ike to jump down. KYLE Come on, Ike! I promise I'll be nice to you from now on! IKE Don kick da bebe! The visitors continue to moo at the cows. VISITOR Moo. Moo. Moo. SUBTITLES: "We have experimented with all the beings of Earth, and have learned that you are the most intelligent and wise." CARTMAN What the hell are they talking about?! COW Moo. Moo, moo? Subtitle: "Why did you turn some of us inside out?" The visitors look at each other. VISITOR Moo, moo, moo. Moo. Subtitle: "Oh, that was Carl's fault. He's new." Another visitor steps raises his hand in the background VISITOR CARL Moo. Moo. Subtitle: "Yeah, sorry about that. My bad." KYLE Ike!!!!! The visitors hand over a small clear obelisk and place it on the ground in front of the cows who just stare at it. VISITOR Moo, moo, moo. Moo. Subtitle: "Take this device. It is a gift from us." Kyle stands underneath his brother who still won't jump down. KYLE Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career. IKE It's my tun! Finally, Ike jumps from the machine and lands upside down in the snow. The large satellite dish collapses and disappears back into Cartman's ass. VISITOR Moo, moo, moo. Moo. Subtitle: "Farewell, cows, peace be with you." The visitors disappear and beam up to their ship. A light shines down on Cartman down and sucks him up. CARTMAN You guys! Get me down from here!! Flames shoot out of Cartman's ass in a flaming fart. The flames burn the rope and Cartman goes shooting upwards. Cartman floats up into the spacecraft. Once inside, the hatch closes and the ship takes off. In the distance, the kids can hear Cartman. CARTMAN Heeeeeeelp... Sonns a bitcheeees!! DIIIIILLLLLDOOOS!! With the UFO gone, the forest is silent once again. STAN I'm sure glad that's over with. KYLE Yeah, boy am I glad to see you, Ike! IKE Oh he fly at the sky. EXT. CHEF'S BACK YARD CHEF Wait, where are you going Alien visitors? Come back!!! LADY #1 Well Chef, where's this amazing thing you're going to show us? CHEF Well, it's in the bedroom ladies, come on in. CUT TO: KYLE C'mon Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner. Kyle and Ike walk away, leaving Stan and Wendy alone. STAN Thanks for your help, Wendy. WENDY Whatever, dude. STAN Hey I didn't throw up! WENDY Cool! Stan and Wendy move closer as if about to kiss... closer... closer... And finally - Stan vomits all over himself and Wendy. WENDY Ew! STAN Sorry. WENDY Hey look! A french fry! STAN Cool! WENDY And what is that? STAN I think its part of a Cheesy Poof. WENDY Hey, what's that? Wendy and Stan continue to identify food stuffs in Stan's vomit, silhouetted against a full moon. FADE OUT EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING Stan and Kyle wait for the bus. STAN Gee, the bus'll be here any minute and Cartman still isn't around. KYLE Yeah, we're running out of friends. STAN I wonder what that thing was the visitors gave the cows? The cows graze peacefully. They have their little object with them. Officer Barbrady walks in. OFFICER BARBRADY Ha ha cows, I got you cornered. Let's see you get away now! One of the cows steps on the object that the aliens gave them and a ray shoots out and hits Officer Barbrady who begins to dance and sing (although his voice isn't his own) the way Cartman did when he was under the alien control. OFFICER BARBRADY (Singing) I love to sing-a! About the moon-a and the Juna and the spring-a! I love to sing-a! About a sky of blue or a tea for two. The cows jump up and down gleefully. RESUME - BOYS AT BUSSTOP Suddenly, Cartman drops from the sky and lands with a dull thud into the snow. STAN Oh, hey Cartman! Cartman moans. The school bus pulls up. KYLE Wow, Cartman, the visitors dropped you off just in time to go to school! CARTMAN Oh man, I had this crazy nightmare last night... STAN Really? What about? CARTMAN Well, I was standing out in a field and I had this HUGE satellite dish stickin' outta my butt. And then there was hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship and Scott Baio gave me pink eye. STAN That wasn't a dream Cartman. That really happened! CARTMAN Oh right, why don't have pink eye then? KYLE Cartman, you DO have pink eye! Sure enough, Cartman's eyes are a bright shade of pink. CARTMAN Ah son of a bitch. FIN