South Park Episode 102 "WEIGHT GAIN 4000" By Matt Stone & Trey Parker INT. CLASSROOM - MORNING The children all sit waiting for school to begin. Some kids are still milling about and taking off their coats. KYLE Hey Stan, did you see that rainbow this morning? STAN Yeah, it was huge! CARTMAN Oh, I hate those things. The kids all look at Cartman puzzlingly. KYLE Nobody HATES rainbows. STAN Yeah, what's there to HATE about rainbows?! CARTMAN Well, you know... You'll just be sitting there minding your own business, and they'll come marching in and crawl up your leg and start biting the inside of your ass - Cartman makes gnashing sounds with his teeth. CARTMAN And you'll be all like 'Hey get out of my ASS YOU STUPID RAINBOWS!!! The boys sit in silence for several seconds... Nobody knows what to say... Finally Stan speaks. STAN Cartman, what the HELL are you talking about?!?! CARTMAN I'm talking about rainbows! I hate those friggin' things. KYLE Rainbows are little arches of color that show up during a rainstorm! Cartman thinks long and hard. CARTMAN Ohhhhhh.... RAINBOWS. Oh yeah, I like those, those are cool. Stan, Kyle and Kenny stare at Cartman in disbelief. STAN What were YOU talking about?! CARTMAN Huh? Oh, nothing, forget it. KYLE No! What marches in, crawls up your leg and bites the inside of your ass?! CARTMAN Nothing.... Just then, Mr. Garrison steps in front of the class. MR. GARRISON Children! Children! remember the 'Save Our Fragile Planet' essay contest that you children worked so hard on last month? The kids don't seem to remember. MR. GARRISON One of our VERY OWN South Park students has won the national prize!! The kids all gasp. Stan's face lights up. WENDY WOW! I knew I would win! Garrison pulls an envelope out of his pocket. MR. HAT Gosh Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting! MR. GARRISON That's right, Mr. Hat. The winner of the national 'Save Our Fragile Planet' contest is... ERIC CARTMAN!! Stan's expression drops. WENDY (Shocked) WHAT?! CARTMAN (Just as shocked) What?! MR. GARRISON Congratulations, Eric, on writing the award winning paper. CARTMAN Kick ass. STAN That's impossible!! Cartman doesn't know a rain forest from a pop-tart! CARTMAN Yeah I do, Pop-Tarts are frosted. MR. GARRISON Out of over a MILLION papers, Eric's was chosen as the grand prize winner! KYLE Wow, what did you write about, Cartman? CARTMAN (Not remembering) Oh... You know... This and that. WENDY He doesn't even KNOW what he wrote about! KYLE What was your paper about, Wendy? WENDY MY paper was on the suffering of bottle-nosed dolphins. CARTMAN Well you see? You shouldn't have written a paper about dolphins. Dolphins are stupid. STAN Dude, Dolphin's are like the second smartest animal on the planet! CARTMAN (Guffawing smugly) Oh, right... If they're so damn smart how come they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?! WENDY What?! MR. GARRISON Wait, wait there's more! It says here that Eric's trophy will be presented to him by... (Pause, gulp) Kathie LEE GIFFORD! The whole class gasps. KYLE Kathie Lee is coming to South Park? MR. GARRISON And the presentation will be on national television! TRACK into Stan, Kyle and Kenny as their eyes bulge out and their smiles widen. KYLE AND STAN AND KENNY Television? MR. GARRISON (Quietly, to himself) Kathie Lee Gifford... I don't believe it... INT. SOUTH PARK CAPITOL BUILDING - DAY The intense female MAYOR MCDANIELS of South Park is pacing excitedly up and down her office. With her are a few male AIDES. MAYOR MCDANIELS Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park... Mayor McDaniels walks over to the window and looks out upon the small town square. MAYOR MCDANIELS Oh My God, This is our chance to make a name for ourselves. To show that we're not just some pissant, whitebread mountain town! AIDE Better yet it's a chance for YOU to get some publicity. MAYOR MCDANIELS Yes! If I can show just how much I've turned South Park around... I could become a Senator!! AIDE #2 Maybe even a STATE Senator! AIDE Mayor, we should decorate the town square! AIDE #2 Then we should have the Chef of the school cafeteria sing a song, and play up the ethnic diversity of our town. MAYOR MCDANIELS That's right... He's a black guy isn't he? AIDE (Proudly) Black as the night itself, Mayor. MAYOR MCDANIELS (triumphantly) YES!! And we can even have the children of South Park put on a little play! Kathie Lee loves children! AIDE If they're working in a sweat-shop that is! AIDE #2 Ouch! AIDE Thank You INT. CAFETERIA The boys are eating lunch at a table in the cafeteria. CARTMAN You guys, guess what... After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous! Wendy walks by. WENDY Hitler was famous too. Wendy leaves. Chef comes sliding in. CHEF Hello there children! KIDS Hey Chef. CHEF How are my little crackers today? KIDS Good. CHEF Did you all hear about the news?! Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to South Park! STAN Yeah, 'cause Cartman cheated and won the environmental essay contest. CARTMAN Hey!!! CHEF Yeah, Yeah, whatever, but the Mayor just called and asked ME to sing at the ceremony! KYLE Wow, are you gonna do it? CHEF Of course! Kathie Lee is a beautiful, sultry queen of sexual fantasy. And if I sing to her, maybe I can lure her into a night of exotic delectation. STAN Yeah! That'd be cool! KENNY Mph rmph rm! CHEF Well, THREE times bigger than Frank Gifford's anyway. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY Garrison sits at the front of an empty classroom grading some papers. MR. GARRISON Oh, I can't even concentrate on grading papers with all this excitement! Mr. Hat sits lifeless on a chair near the desk. MR. GARRISON Why are you looking at me like that, Mr. Hat? Garrison picks the puppet up. MR. HAT Have you forgotten about all the pain and suffering that Kathy Lee Gifford caused you? MR. GARRISON Mr. Hat, that was a long time ago, and I was only a child. MR. HAT We could have WON that talent show... We could have been huge! TRACK IN ON GARRISON DISSOLVE TO: INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY - FLASHBACK A large banner reads 'National Talent Show Finals' TILT DOWN from the banner and onto - A smaller, ten year-old version of Mr. Garrison stands in a huge spotlight on stage, with a smaller Mr. Hat on his arm. LIL' MR. GARRISON Knock, knock, Mr. Hat. MR. HAT Who's there? LIL' MR. GARRISON Orange. MR. HAT Orange who? LIL' MR. GARRISON Orange you glad I didn't say banana? MR. HAT Thank you. A smattering of applause echoes in the auditorium. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat both bow and walk off stage. Several judges hold up their numbers - 8.9, 9, 7.8, 9.2 LIL' MR. GARRISON Wow, Mr. Hat, it looks like we might win! LOUDSPEAKER 'And now our last Talent Show Finalist: Kathie Lee Epstein!!!' A very young, cute Kathy Lee steps onto the stage, looking adorable. LIL' KATHIE LEE (singing) ...If... they... could... See me now that little gang of mine, I'm eating fancy chow and drinking fancy wine..... ! How they would all say WOW! ZOOM OUT to reveal Lil' Kathie Lee Gifford singing and dancing with a fifteen piece band and about 100 dancers all choreographed in utter harmony with her every move. WHOOSH! She now wears a puppet on each hand. Amazingly she manages to throw her voice to each puppet and continue singing herself, all in perfect harmony. LIL' KATHIE LEE (singing) If my friends could see me now... Kathie Lee is putting on a SPECTACULAR Broadway musical number. Fountains go off! Fireworks explode! Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat watch on, dumbfounded. LIL' KATHIE LEE IF MY FRIENDS COULD SEE... ME... NOOOOOOOOOOWWWWwww!!!! The crowd ERUPTS with applause. The judges hold up their numbers 10! 10! 10! 10! DISSOLVE TO: INT. CLASSROOM - DAY Mr. Garrison sits with glazed-over eyes. MR. GARRISON It wasn't fair, she had choreography. How could we compete with that? MR. HAT But now she's coming to South Park... And I know a way to make it ALL better! MR. GARRISON How? Mr. Hat whispers in Garrison's ear. Garrison GASPS! MR. GARRISON No, Mr. Hat, I couldn't!! TRACK IN on Garrison. MR. GARRISON I couldn't... KILL Kathie Lee Gifford! DRAMATIC MUSIC AND FADE OUT: INT. CLASSROOM - AFTER LUNCH Mayor McDaniels stands in front of the children. MAYOR MCDANIELS Children, as you all know, Ms. Kathie Lee Gifford will be in South Park to present the award to some kid for an essay. CARTMAN That kid is me! MAYOR MCDANIELS Whatever. Now, I'm going to have you Luscious little youngsters do a play about the history of South Park. MR. GARRISON That'll be wonderful! Won't it Mr. Hat? MR. GARRISON (AS MR. HAT) KILL HER! MR. GARRISON Mr. Hat!!!! Garrison quickly puts his hand over Mr. Hat's mouth. The Mayor looks oddly at Garrison and then continues. The mayor turns to Mr. Garrison. MAYOR MCDANIELS Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you to direct our little play. MR. GARRISON Oh that's PERFECT! (To Mr. Hat) You see, Mr. Hat? We don't have to KILL her, we can just UPSTAGE her! WENDY Mrs. Mayor? You might want to review the essays. We think Cartman might have cheated. MAYOR MCDANIELS Who cares? Now kids, what say we give it our South Park best?! The Mayor waits for the kids to cheer. They don't. MAYOR MCDANIELS And who's our little prize winner again? CARTMAN (Pissed off) ME!! ERIC CARTMAN!! MAYOR MCDANIELS How about we get in shape, huh? We want to look our best for the T.V. cameras don't we? CARTMAN Yes ma'am! (Singing) I'm gonna be on television! I'm gonna be on television! EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE The school bus drops the boys off at their bus stop. Cartman is STILL singing the same song. CARTMAN (Singing) I'm gonna be on television! I'm gonna be on television! Stan gets in Cartman's face. STAN We don't believe for a minute that you won that contest fairly, fat boy! CARTMAN Hey, stop defending your little girlfriend for writing about some stupid fish. STAN Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly!! CARTMAN Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise. STAN Dolphins are way smarter than YOU! CARTMAN If they're so smart, why do they live in igloos?! STAN DOLPHINS DON'T LIVE IN IGLOOS! THAT'S ESKIMOS!! CARTMAN Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap! STAN Tell me what you wrote about!! CARTMAN Uh, I can't, I have to go home and get in shape! Cartman walks away. STAN Yeah right, you'll go sit in front of the T.V. and eat Cheesy Poofs, assmaster! CARTMAN (OFFSCREEN) Screw you, hippie!! INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE Cartman sits on the couch watching television and eating Cheesy Poofs. He plunges his hand into the huge barrel of Cheesey Poofs that sits beside him. ANGLE - TELEVISION ANNOUNCER We'll be right back to Jesus and Pals after this. A bunch of muscle-builder guys stand around flexing. NARRATOR HEY! DO YOU NEED TO GET IN SHAPE FAST?! This catches Cartman's attention - his eyes dart to the screen. NARRATOR Wanna look your best? Tired of all the OTHER guys getting all the chicks? Cartman turns up the volume on the remote. NARRATOR Are you tired of being a ninety-pound weakling? A scrawny little guy gets punched in the face by a big, buff muscle-builder. CARTMAN Yeah! I only weigh ninety pounds! NARRATOR Then bulk up QUICK with Weight Gain 4000. The narrator flexes and muscles bulge out all over. Cartman's eyes light up. CARTMAN YES! NARRATOR With over 4000 grams of saturated fat per serving, Its patented formula is designed to enter the mouth and go directly to the stomach where it is distributed to the bloodstream. Now available in stores everywhere. Get some today and say with me, BEEFCAKE. CARTMAN BEEFCAKE. NARRATOR BEEFCAKE!!!!! CARTMAN BEEFCAKE!!!! NARRATOR & CARTMAN BEEFCAKE!!!!! ANNOUNCER May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver. CARTMAN Mom, can you get me some WEIGHT GAIN 4000? CARTMAN'S MOM O.K. Eric, I'll get you some at the store tomorrow. CARTMAN But mom I need it for tomorrow. CARTMAN'S MOM But tomorrow is grocery day Eric. CARTMAN MOM....... CARTMAN'S MOM O.K., O.K. Well I guess I'll be going to the store now then. Cartman's mom pulls her purse on and heads out the door. INT. MR. GARRISON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Garrison is lying in bed, tossing and turning from a terrible nightmare. We see whispy images floating through Garrison's thoughts - Finally, Garrison awakes, and jolts up to a sitting position. MR. GARRISON NO, NO!!!! Garrison wipes sweat from his brow, realizing it was all a dream. Then he spots Mr. Hat in his little chair. MR. HAT Kill her. MR. GARRISON No, Mr. Hat! I won't do it! Mr. Hat's eyes begin to glow red. Mr. Hat's head starts spinning around and around. MR. HAT KILLLLLLLLLL... MR. GARRISON That does it. You're going in the dresser drawer Mr. Hat. MR. HAT She'll make a fool of you again. MR. GARRISON Well, you can just stay in that drawer Negative Nancy. Garrison throws the puppet in his dresser and locks it with a little key. Immediately the dresser starts shaking and illuminating. EXT. SOUTH PARK - THE NEXT MORNING The sun rises over South Park. INT. BUS STOP - MORNING Stan, Kenny, and Kyle all stand at the busstop waiting for the bus to show up. Cartman comes waddling up in a tank top and holding a big tin of Weight Gain 4000. CARTMAN Hey dudes. KYLE What the hell is wrong with you, Cartman? Haven't you noticed the three feet of snow on the ground? CARTMAN Listen... I have a nice body and I wanna show it off. You got that? The boys take a second to digest this one. STAN What?! You've got to weigh ninety- pounds! CARTMAN I'm up to ninety-four, thank you very much. KENNY Mrmnph phh mphph? KYLE Yeah, they're almost as big as his mom's! The boys all laugh hysterically. CARTMAN Laugh all you want. I'm the one who's gonna be on T.V. looking all buff. He takes the top off the tin and starts chowing down on the weight gain powder. KYLE What's that stuff? CARTMAN Weight Gain 4000. It's helping me bulk up. KYLE Bulk up to what? Fat Ass? STAN Super Fat Ass? CARTMAN Hey! I don't have to take that kinda crap from you scrawny weaklings! The bus pulls up and the boys jump on. Cartman has an extra hard time getting on the bus. He huffs and puffs toward the door. When he reaches the door, he has to turn sideways. CARTMAN Sweet, check me out! I'm such a beefcake I can't even get through the door! EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE Townspeople are busy painting the buildings on the main drag and hanging banners reading 'South Park Welcomes Kathie Lee Gifford!!!' The mayor is directing townspeople with a megaphone. MAYOR MCDANIELS C'mon people! We've got to turn this place around!! Hang up the lights! String up the banners! Castrate the cows!! The cows look up with concern. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - STAGE Mr. Garrison's class stands around on the stage all dressed in cute little historical outfits. Half the children are dressed as pioneers, and the other half are dressed as Indians. The Mayor walks up. MAYOR MCDANIELS Well, Mr. Garrison, how is the little play going? MR. GARRISON Huh? Oh... Fine, we were just about to run it from the top. MAYOR MCDANIELS Oh, please do! I'm dying to see it! MR. GARRISON Okay, All the little pioneers on this side of the stage. All the kids who are dressed in pioneer outfits go to one side of the stage. MR. GARRISON Good, and all the little Indians go to the center of the stage. A little boy named CLYDE steps forward. CLYDE Am I a Indian or a pioneer? MR. GARRISON Do you have a feather on your head? CLYDE Yes. MR. GARRISON Then you're an Indian. CLYDE Oh. The Mayor sighs as Clyde walks to join the group of kids dressed as Indians. Kenny is just wearing what he always wears with a little red feather sticking out of his hood. Now Garrison moves in front of the curtain and stands next to the Mayor. MR. GARRISON Okay, BeBe this is your line. BEBE stands in front of the curtain in a little dress. BEBE (Reciting loudly) This is the story of South Park... It begins over a hundred years ago when the noble and hardy Ute Indians lived on the land. Now the curtain opens revealing all the children dressed as Indians sitting in around a little fake teepee. MAYOR MCDANIELS Oh, don't they look adorable? BEBE Then, from the east, came the great white pioneers... Suddenly, all the children who were dressed as pioneers come CHARGING onto the stage and immediately start beating the crap out of the kids dressed as Indians. The Mayor watches in horror as the Indians are pummeled senseless by the pioneers. MAYOR MCDANIELS Oh my God!! MR. GARRISON They did it a lot better this morning. They had more energy. BEBE The pioneers met with the Indians, and negotiated for their fertile lands... The children continue to fight. All the little Indian kids are thrown off stage and beaten to a pulp. MAYOR MCDANIELS Mr. Garrison! We cannot have our children beating each other senseless in front of Kathie Lee Gifford! MR. GARRISON Well, what do you want? This is how it happened in those days. Stan kicks Clyde in the ribs repeatedly. STAN Take THAT you stupid Indian! CLYDE Ow! Now the kids are really into it, the Mayor and Mr. Garrison have to shout over the growing moans and cries. MAYOR MCDANIELS MR. GARRISON! THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE! DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK THAT Kathie LEE GIFFORD WOULD ENJOY THIS?!?! MR. GARRISON TO HELL WITH Kathie LEE GIFFORD!!!!!!!! Silence... Everybody stops... The kids quit fighting and stare at Mr. Garrison with disbelief. You could hear a pin drop. Garrison covers his mouth and looks around as if to say he himself can't even believe what he just said. MR. GARRISON Oh my God... What have I said? South Park residents gather around looking astounded. A ominous silence spreads throughout the square as all eyes rest on Mr. Garrison. TOWNSWOMAN (gasping) He said 'to HELL with Kathie Lee Gifford'! The whole town continues to stare in absolute shock. Shamed, Mr. Garrison hangs his head. MAYOR MCDANIELS Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you from directing our play. Mr. Garrison steps down from the stage. INT. MR. GARRISON'S BEDROOM Mr. Garrison unlocks his dresser drawer and slides it open. Mr. Hat lays face up. MR. HAT It happened again, didn't it? Mr. Garrison picks up Mr. Hat and puts him on his hand. MR. HAT Now we do things MY WAY. MR. GARRISON I can't kill her, Mr. Hat! (Pause) You're going to have to do it! MR. HAT laughs!!!!! FADE OUT: ACT II EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - THE NEXT DAY The sign at the town square reads 'Days until Kathie Lee Arrives'. Dress rehearsal for the big event. Everyone in South Park is making final preparations. The Mayor is directing where everybody goes. Stan, Kyle and Kenny stand on stage in little pioneer and Indian costumes. Cartman heaves himself up onto the platform. The platform bulges and CREEKS under his enormous weight. KYLE Whoa Cartman, talk about wide load! CARTMAN Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely. Cartman flexes his arms. KYLE You're not 'filling out nicely', you're fatter than ever! CARTMAN I'm not fat, I'm getting in shape! KYLE Cartman, you're SUCH a fat ass, that when you walk down the street people go 'GOD DAMN IT, THAT'S A BIG FAT ASS!' CARTMAN No they don't, you jealous weakling! A RANDOM TOWNSPERSON walks by and sees Cartman. TOWNSPERSON God Damn, that is a big fat ass! CARTMAN Hey! Wendy walks in. WENDY Hi guys. CARTMAN Oh, look, another hippie. Peace, Wendy. STAN Shut up, Cartman! CARTMAN (Singing) Oh, two little hippies sittin' in a tree......! Wendy pulls Stan aside. WENDY I'm gonna find Cartman's paper and get to the bottom of this! INT. SOUTH PARK GUN SHOP - DAY A pleasant GUNSMITH is locking some weapons behind a glass case when he hears the little BELL announce that somebody has come in. JIMBO Can I help you? The gunsmith turns around to see Mr. Garrison, hobbled over and wearing a long trenchcoat that covers much of his face. He looks crazed and nervous. MR. GARRISON Yes... I need a gun. JIMBO Would this be for hunting, home- protection or other? MR. GARRISON Other. JIMBO Alrighty, then may I suggest the Stratford twelve millimeter. Here, try it on. The Gunsmith hands Garrison the large, black rifle and leads him over to a set of mirrors, angled just like the ones in clothing stores. JIMBO That looks really nice on you. The lacquered black really matches your eyes. Garrison turns around and looks himself up and down. MR. GARRISON (To the mirror) You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? (To the Gunsmith) I don't know... It's a little small. JIMBO Okay, how about this? The Gunsmith quickly replaces the Stratford with another, larger rifle. Again, Garrison twirls around in the mirror with the gun in his hands. MR. GARRISON (To the mirror) You talkin' to me? (To the Gunsmith) Mmmm, no. I don't like this one either. JIMBO Here's the same gun with a wood finish. MR. GARRISON You talkin' to me? I don't see anybody else around here. So you must be talkin' to me. Mr. Garrison turns to the Gunsmith. MR. GARRISON I'll take it. EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - NIGHT Establishing. INT. CLASSROOM - NIGHT The classroom is dark and silent. The door CREEKS open and a shaft of blue moonlight spills through. Wendy pokes her head in. WENDY (in a whisper) Hello? She tiptoes to the back of the room and opens a file cabinet. Inside is a manila envelope labeled 'Save Our Planet Essay Contest.' She opens the folder and flips through the papers. She comes to her paper, which the judges have scored with a big circled 72 written on it and the phrase 'Good Try Little girl - But if dolphins are so smart, why do they get caught in fishing nets all the time?' Wendy grinds her teeth and fumes for a moment. After a few more papers, she comes to the one with a big blue ribbon on it. It is an incredibly thick essay, nearly 300 pages. Wendy pulls it out and starts to read it out loud. WENDY (Reading) My Essay - By Eric Cartman... When I wrote the following pages, or rather the bulk of them, I lived alone, in the woods on the shore of... The door opens! Wendy shoves the paper in her jacket and drops behind a desk. A dark figure moves across the classroom. Wendy peeks up and sees Mr. Garrison taking off his overcoat. He sits down at his desk, flips on a lamp, and throws Mr. Hat on a chair. MR. GARRISON Well Mr. Hat, I guess ol' Kathie Lee really will be surprised when she gets here tomorrow... Mr. Hat sits limp on the chair. Mr. Garrison starts to polish his gun. MR. GARRISON She beat us in the talent show all those years ago... And I think we OWE her for that! Wendy peeks out from behind the desk. Garrison points the gun and looks through the sight. MR. GARRISON BANG!!! CLICK!! Mr. Garrison dry shoots the gun. Wendy eyes grow huge as Garrison's laughter reverberates throughout the room. WENDY (Softly) Oh my God! EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - MORNING The sign now reads 'Days Until Kathie Lee Arrives' and a hand removes the '1' so that it reads 'TODAY!!'. The sun rises over South Park as the whole town fills the town square on the big day. Kyle stands with his little brother IKE, who bounces in and out of frame wearing a blue jumpsuit with 'I LOVE Kathie LEE' sewed on the front. EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - DAY Garrison walks down the street holding his large, black rifle. Some townspeople notice him, but simply smile and wave hello. TOWNSPERSON Howdy, Mr. Garrison, nice gun! MR. GARRISON Thank you. ANOTHER TOWNSPERSON Nice gun, Mr. Garrison! MR. GARRISON Thanks. Hello Officer Barbrady. OFFICER BARBRADY Nice gun. MR. GARRISON Thanks. Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear shot-a- view of Kathie Lee? OFFICER BARBRADY Hmm... You know, I think the book depository would be a good bet. WHIP PAN TO: EXT. SOUTH PARK BOOK DEPOSITORY - DAY The depository, a two story, wooden building, stands utterly empty on the other side of the street. Two vultures fly in a circle around it. WHIP PAN BACK TO: EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - DAY MR. GARRISON Yes... Yes, that might do quite nicely. Thank you, Officer Barbrady. In a trance, Garrison slowly walks towards the depository. OFFICER BARBRADY No problem. Suddenly, Barbrady rips a camera out of the hands of another townsperson. OFFICER BARBRADY Ha! Caught you red handed! NO PICTURES OF Kathie LEE!! Barbrady grabs the guy and whisks him off. EXT. SOUTH PARK - STAGE - DAY The Mayor stands on the stage nervously awaiting Kathie Lee's arrival. She checks her watch. MAYOR MCDANIELS Where is she? Meanwhile, the kids are backstage, getting ready for their performance. CARTMAN This is sweet. The camera crews are setting up, and I'm looking totally ripped. Beefcake BEEFCAKE! Cartman slurps down some more Weight Gain 4000. KYLE I don't think they're gonna be able to get all of you in frame, Cartman. Suddenly, Wendy comes running up. WENDY You guys! We have to stop him!! KYLE Stop who? WENDY Mr. Garrison! He's going to try to KILL Kathie Lee Gifford! CARTMAN Oh no you don't! You're not gonna ruin MY moment of fame! WENDY He's got a gun! CARTMAN You gotta get over this whole jealousy thing alright. Seriously, just face it, I wrote a better paper than you. WENDY It just so happens that I HAVE your paper and I KNOW why you won! Cartman panics. WENDY There's something more important right now. Let's go! STAN Wendy, you've got to Prioritize!! What's more IMPORTANT? Being on TV, or some stupid assassination?! WENDY Stan, I can't do it alone. Please? Wendy makes a sad face at Stan. Stan's eyes droop. KYLE Uh-oh, we're losing him. EXT. STAGE - DAY MAYOR MCDANIELS HERE SHE COMES!!! EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - DAY The townspeople all cheer and wave 'Welcome' flags. The lame South Park marching band marches down the street. Following close behind is a vehicle that has been modified with bullet-proof glass - just like the famous 'POPE MOBILE'. Inside the glass bubble, waving happily is Kathie Lee Gifford. The vehicle is also surrounded by several suited guards who look like secret service. They are all looking around with their fingers in their ears. INT. SOUTH PARK BOOK DEPOSITORY - DAY Garrison is sitting at a window of the book depository with his gun pointing outside. MR. GARRISON Damn! I guess I'm not the only person in America who's thought of killing Kathie Lee Gifford. EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - DAY The Pope-mobile continues down the street. TOWNSWOMAN WE LOVE YOU Kathie LEE!! Kathie Lee responds, maybe she says 'I love you too', but she is inaudible through the thick glass. INT. SOUTH PARK BOOK DEPOSITORY - DAY MR. GARRISON Come on, you little bitch... Garrison looks through the HUGE scope on his rifle. ANGLE - GUNSIGHT The crosshairs of the sight lie directly in front of Kathie Lee's head. Through the sight, Garrison notices that the trophy is inside the bubble with Kathie Lee. RESUME - GARRISON MR. GARRISON You've got to come out of your precious bubble sooner or later, Missy. Garrison laughs maniacally. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE The pope-mobile rides past them and finally reaches the stage. The Mayor steps up to the microphone. MAYOR MCDANIELS It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park! The townspeople all cheer. MAYOR MCDANIELS And now, our very own South Park Elementary Chef will sing a special song in honor of Mrs. Lee-Gifford! Kathie Lee rolls her eyes, and then tries desperately to look thrilled, as Chef steps up to the mic. CHEF Thank you, Mr. Mayor. You know... Kathie-Lee, you are a very special woman... Groovy Isaac Hayes music starts to fade in. The BAND MEMBERS are in the background getting funky. CHEF I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler- Moore way... Or special in a extra value meal at Happy Burger way... No no no no- Kathie Lee looks confused. CHEF I mean SPECIAL... Like... The song of a hummingbird as it gets ready to... to find that female hummingbird, and -- make sweet love to it -- all night long. Just two hummingbirds moanin' and groanin' and letting their bodies caress and touch each other in ecstasy... Now the groove breaks into a full-fledged soul song. CHEF (Singing) Ooh Kathie Lee How I'd love to lay you down And lick every inch of your body with my tongue. MAYOR MCDANIELS What??? CHEF Kathie Lee, you're my sexual fantasy. How 'bout you and me? MAYOR MCDANIELS What??? Kathie Lee is in absolute shock. The Mayor tries to stop Chef. MAYOR MCDANIELS (Grabbing the mic) Uh, thank you Chef for that heartwarming song- CHEF (Still singing) Make sweet love..... MAYOR MCDANIELS (in total shock) THANK YOU, CHEF!! The music stops. A few people applaud. Chef is hurried off the stage. CHEF God bless you Kathie Lee!! Kathie Lee waves from inside her bubble, again, trying to look happy, but visibly uncomfortable. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE Wendy and Stan frantically run through the crowd. They spot Officer Barbrady. WENDY TESTABURGER Officer Barbrady! Mr. Garrison is about to kill Kathie Lee! We have to find him! OFFICER BARBRADY What? You mean the teacher? Wait a minute... Barbrady thinks. A thought bubble appears above him, replaying the scene from earlier. MR. GARRISON Thanks. Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear shot-a- view of Kathie Lee? OFFICER BARBRADY Hmm... You know, I think the book depository would be a good bet. Barbrady keeps thinking. Wendy patiently waits. Again the same scene plays. OFFICER BARBRADY I think the book depository would be a good bet. Book depository would be a good bet. Book depository good bet Book depository Finally, Barbrady stops thinking. OFFICER BARBRADY Damn! He could be anywhere! I'll send out an A.P.B.! Barbrady dashes off. Wendy sighs. STAN Wendy, look! Stan points up to the book depository where Mr. Hat is peeping over a gun barrel that is sticking out of the second story window. Wendy gasps and runs toward it. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - STAGE MAYOR MCDANIELS And now, Here to present the award for the Environmental essay to our own Eric Kaufman- CARTMAN Cartman, God Dammit!!! MAYOR MCDANIELS -Is your favorite celebrity and mine; Kathie LEE GIFFORD!!! The townspeople go nuts. Kathie Lee, still in her large bubble, is hoisted onto the stage. The glass holder falls over at first, but the servicemen are right there to pick her back up. Now Kathie Lee speaks, but the glass is so thick that we still can't quite hear what she is saying. KATHIE LEE GIFFORD Thank you! How I love you all! INT. SOUTH PARK BOOK DEPOSITORY STAN Mr. Garrison! Stop! Garrison spins around and sees Wendy and Stan standing in the doorway. MR. GARRISON (AS MR. HAT) LEAVE US! WE MUST FINISH WHAT WE HAVE BEGUN! Garrison turns back to the window and again takes aim. WENDY TESTABURGER I know that she's hurt you, she's hurt a lot of people. Now Garrison turns back to Wendy with a different look. MR. GARRISON You... Can't know... WENDY TESTABURGER YOU should have won that talent show. Stan looks confused but Garrison's face lights up. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - STAGE KATHIE LEE GIFFORD (Still mostly inaudible) It is with great honor and pride that I present the winner this trophy. Now Kathie Lee bends down and picks up the trophy. She opens the door hatch in her bubble and takes a step out. KATHIE LEE GIFFORD Eric, would you please come up here. Cartman walks slowly up the stairs to the stage, fat literally dragging behind him. CARTMAN Here it is! My big moment of fame! INT. SOUTH PARK BOOK DEPOSITORY MR. GARRISON And then she finished it all by throwing her voice with TWO dummies at once. WENDY I know that, Mr. Garrison, but this isn't the answer. Garrison thinks. MR. GARRISON It is too late for me... Young Wendy. WENDY You see, I've learned something today. You can't win all the time. And if you don't win... You certainly can't hold it against the person who DID, because... That's the only way you ever really lose. MR. GARRISON You're... You're right. Garrison sets the gun down and walks toward Wendy and Stan with a smile growing on his face. WENDY TESTABURGER Good... STAN Man, did she really throw her voice with TWO dummies at once? Garrison freaks. MR. HAT THE BITCH MUST DIE!!! Garrison spins around, grabs the gun, and points it out the window. The gunshot fires! BLAM!! EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - STAGE Cartman steps off of the stairs and puts his weight on the stage. The stage immediately collapses on his side, firing Kathie Lee up into the air like a rocket. KATHIE LEE GIFFORD AAAAGGHH!!! Cartman falls underneath the stage as the bullet flies past where Kathie Lee was standing - and heads directly for Kenny. KENNY Mm Nmm! The bullet hits Kenny, whose poor little body goes flying across the stage, then he lands upside down in a large barrel of water, which immediately turns blood red. KYLE Oh my God! they killed Kenny! (Shaking his fist) You bastard! The Secret Servicemen take action and jump all over Kathie Lee, protecting her body from any more bullets. SERVICEMEN GUN!! GUN!! The men then quickly shove Kathie Lee in her bubble and drive away. KYLE Hey!! Come back!! We didn't even get to do our play!! But within seconds Kathie Lee is gone. Her entire entourage disappears over the horizon. T.V. CREW DIRECTOR I guess that's it guys. Wrap it up. CARTMAN Hey, wait a minute! When do I get to be on television?! T.V. CREW DIRECTOR Forget it, kid. No Kathie Lee, no public interest. CARTMAN But I won the environmental essay contest!! Wendy Testaburger jumps onto the stage. WENDY TESTABURGER You don't DESERVE to win, Cartman, and YOU know it! Wendy steps up to the microphone and holds up a VERY thick stack of papers. WENDY TESTABURGER I'm holding Cartman's award winning paper! It's actually nothing more than 'Walden' with Henry David Thoreau's name crossed out and Cartman's name written in its place! The townspeople all look at each other. Cartman gulps. TOWNSPERSON Who cares? TOWNSPERSON #2 Yeah, Kathie Lee Gifford's gone. The townspeople all concur and begin to disperse. STAN What about not holding anything against the person who wins? WENDY TESTABURGER Well not if it's CARTMAN!! Hey where are you all going?! The townspeople all disappear, leaving the kids alone. WENDY TESTABURGER (Vanquished) They don't even know what Walden is. (Shouting again) I bet if Walden was a sitcom you'd all know what it was!!! STAN Come on, Wendy. Kyle's mom'll make us tuna fish sandwiches. WENDY TESTABURGER Oh, what the hell. MAYOR (Sobbing) NO!! NO!! Now I'll be stuck in this podunk town forever with all these stupid, hick, redneck, jobless, truck driving idiots!! AIDE Uh, mayor, the mic is on. Suddenly, the doors to the book depository open, and Officer Barbrady appears holding Mr. Garrison's left arm. OFFICER BARBRADY Thought you could get away with it, eh Mr. Hat?! MR. HAT Well, I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids. OFFICER BARBRADY You're lucky you missed Kathie Lee Gifford and that nobody got hurt. Barbrady throws Garrison in the back seat, gets in the car and speeds away past Kenny's little bleeding body. FADE OUT: FADE IN: EXT. SOUTH PARK MENTAL HOSPITAL - DAY The white mental hospital sits pleasantly between two mountain peaks. INT. SOUTH PARK MENTAL HOSPITAL - DAY Mr. Garrison sits in a padded room surrounded by Kenny, Kyle, Wendy and Stan. Mr. Hat is in a little straight jacket, but Garrison isn't. STAN We hope you can come back to school real soon, Mr. Garrison. MR. GARRISON Well children, I'd love to. But the doctors say that Mr. Hat needs more therapy... Mr. Hat pops out from the side. MR. HAT WE CAN STILL GET HER!! MMFF MF!! MR. GARRISON I'm just so sorry that I ruined everyone's chances for being on T.V. KYLE Not Cartman, he get's to be on T.V. anyway. MR. GARRISON Really? On what? CUT TO: INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY GERALDO Obesity, Adiposity, Corpulence... Whatever word you use it represents one thing... Being a big fat ass. (pause) We have with us today, live via satellite, Eric Cartman from South Park. Who is now so obese he can't even get out of his house. ANGLE - MONITOR - CARTMAN IN HIS BED Cartman is lying on his bed with a blanket wrapped around him. The words on the bottom of the screen read 'Eric Cartman - Fat Ass - Live Via Satellite. CARTMAN When is this gonna be on the air? INT. GERALDO SHOW GERALDO Is there anything you'd like to say to people out there? CARTMAN Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. Beefcake BEEFCAKE!!! INT. CHEF'S HOUSE - NIGHT The television in Chef's room, with Geraldo's image, snaps off. Chef is lying in his bed with the remote control. He puts the remote down and takes a long drag from his cigarette. CHEF He needs to run his ass around the block a few times. An arm drapes over Chef. PULL BACK to reveal that Kathie Lee is lying in bed naked next to Chef. KATHIE LEE GIFFORD Mmmm, how about a little more of that good loving, Chef? CHEF Damn woman, I just gave you sweet lovin' 5 minutes ago. You tryin' to kill me? FADE OUT: THE END