South Park Episode 103 "VOLCANO" By Matt Stone & Trey Parker EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY Cartman is standing outside by his mother with a bag of camping gear at his side. CARTMAN'S MOM Now you be careful, Eric. The woods can be very dangerous. CARTMAN Okay, mom. A large truck pulls up, driven by Uncle Jimbo in hunting clothes. Ned is in the passenger seat, and Stan, Kyle and Kenny are in the back seat. KYLE Ready to go hunting, Cartman? STAN Yeah, my uncle Jimbo says we got to get up there early! Right, Uncle Jimbo? JIMBO That's right, Stanley, animals are much easier to shoot in the morning! CARTMAN'S MOM Here, hon, I packed you some cheesy poofs and Happy Tarts. She hands him a brown bag. Cartman gets in the back seat with the other boys. JIMBO Don't worry, Ms. Cartman, we'll take good care of him. I brought my old war buddy Ned to keep things safe. NED Hello Mrs. Cartman, how are you today? Ned waves from the passenger seat. He only has one arm. Jimbo and Ned exchange knowing glances. Cartman gets in the back seat with the other boys. CARTMAN'S MOM Be sure to use lots of bug spray. And if you have to poo-poo, don't wipe with poison ivy. The boys all laugh at Cartman. CARTMAN Dude, that's SICK, mom! CARTMAN'S MOM And I know it can get scary up in those woods... But just remember mommy's not far away. The boys all laugh again. CARTMAN (To Uncle Jimbo) Drive! Drive! CARTMAN'S MOM You give your mommy a kissy. CARTMAN Drive the car damnit drive. Jimbo drives away. INT. CAR - DAY Cartman looks back to watch his mom waving goodbye. KYLE (Ms. Cartman's voice) Don't get scared up in the mountains, Cartman. CARTMAN Shut up! I'm not scared of nothing! STAN Maybe your mom can give me a kiss too Cartman. KENNY Mph rmph rm rmph mphr! Jimbo Laughs. JIMBO Ho Ho, that's disgusting! CARTMAN You piece of crap! I'll kill you! Cartman slugs Kenny. The two boys fight in the back seat. JIMBO That's the spirit, boys! Let's get that testosterone flowing!! Cartman and Kenny pound the shit out of each other. JIMBO Now boys, boys, I need to get serious for a minute. I want you to understand a few basic rules of hunting since this is your first time. The boys listen attentively. JIMBO First of all, don't ever walk with your gun unless the safety's on. Second, don't shoot anything that looks human, and third never spill your beer in the bullet chamber. STAN Uh, Uncle Jimbo, we don't drink beer. JIMBO You what? NED Oh yeah, that's right, I don't think 8 year old kids drink beer. KYLE I like chocolate milk! JIMBO Well, we'll be doing plenty of drinking on this trip. After all, hunting sober is like fishing sober. It sure will be nice to get out of the city for a while. Away from civilization. EXT. SOUTH PARK - TOWN - DAY The car drives out of the town, and up a little road that goes up a mountain. The trip is ridiculously short. EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS, JUST OUTSIDE OF SOUTH PARK - DAY JIMBO Well, here we are! Ned's truck comes to a stop in a large clearing amidst a big forest of pine trees. Ned and Jimbo and the four kids pile out of the car. JIMBO Okay, each of you young'ins take a gun, a beer and some smokes. The kids divide up the supplies. CARTMAN Hey, I didn't get a gun! Jimbo hands Cartman an Ak-47. CARTMAN Sweet. This is like the gun I used in Nam. STAN You weren't in Vietnam, Cartman! NED Were you stationed in DaNang? STAN Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned. You can't believe anything he says. CARTMAN Hey! I'll blow your friggin' head off! Cartman points his gun at Stan. JIMBO Hey, look out son, that's dangerous! You're gonna spill your beer! EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS, JUST OUTSIDE OF SOUTH PARK - DAY The boys follow Jimbo and Ned, each holding rifles that are WAY to big for them, a can of beer and a cigarette. STAN My Uncle Jimbo says that after this, he's gonna take me hunting in Africa! KYLE Wow, that'd be cool! CARTMAN My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa. JIMBO Boys! Lookie there! A cute, fuzzy little black bear sits in a nearby clearing, licking its paws. JIMBO That there's a Rocky Mountain Black Bear. One of the few remaining of its kind. Isn't it beautiful? The bear just sits there and blinks. JIMBO My God it's coming right for us!!! Jimbo whips out his huge rifle and shoots the bear dead. Stan can't believe his eyes. STAN Hey! It wasn't coming right for us! It was just sitting there! JIMBO SHHH! Not so loud!! Now that there's just a technicality. KYLE What d'ya mean? JIMBO You see boys, the Democrats have passed a lot of laws trying to stop us from hunting. CARTMAN Democrats piss me off! JIMBO They say we can't shoot certain animals anymore unless they're posing an immediate threat. Therefore, before we shoot something, we have to say; "It's coming right for us!" STAN Wow, you're smart, Uncle Jimbo! NED (pointing) Jimbo LOOK! A beautiful little doe comes over the hill. JIMBO Oh, it's a deer. Looks like about a 46 gauge, Ned. Ned pulls out a HUGE bazooka and hands it to Jimbo like a golf caddy. Jimbo props the bazooka on his shoulder. The boys and Ned jump on the ground commando style. JIMBO IT'S COMIN' RIGHT FOR US!!! The beautiful little doe looks on peacefully right where she is. BOOM!!! Jimbo fires the bazooka at the doe and totally obliterates it into a million bloody little pieces. CARTMAN Kick ass! But Stan looks sad. JIMBO Did ya see that? I was imperiled by that ferocious charging buck! NED Rabbit, rabbit five o'clock!!! Over the ridge is a little bunny rabbit. JIMBO Let's move! MOVE!!! Jimbo hits the ground and starts crawling on his belly. All the boys follow suit. STAN Is this hunting? KYLE I guess so. The group crawls onward, holding their guns out in front of them. CARTMAN Oh, dude... I'm starting to have flashbacks! KYLE What? CARTMAN Danforth! Pull up flank, look out for Charlies up in the trees! The group scampers up to the top of ridge. Ned hands Stan a big-ass double-barrel shotgun. JIMBO This one's yours, Stan! Stan uncomfortably takes the gun, hitches it up on his shoulders and looks over the barrel. The little cute bunny looks up, sees Stan and smiles. Stan gulps. JIMBO 'It's comin' right for us'! NED "It's coming right for us"! Stan takes a deep breath and is about to pull the trigger when the bunny gives him just the cutest little twitch of his cute little nose. KYLE Shoot it, Stan! CARTMAN I got your back, soldier! Stan looks over the barrel again, takes another deep breath... STAN I can't... Stan lowers the gun. The little rabbit dashes off into the woods. JIMBO What the-- What's wrong with you?! STAN I don't wanna shoot the bunny. JIMBO (shocked) What the hell are you talking about, you don't want to shoot the bunny? You're babbling, you're not making any sense! You're hysterical! STAN I'm not hysterical. I just don't want to shoot the bunny. JIMBO No nephew of mine is gonna be a tree hugger! CARTMAN Yeah, hippie! Go back to Woodstock if you can't shoot anything! STAN I can shoot you fat ass! CARTMAN I can shoot you too. STAN I'll kill you! CARTMAN I'll fill you full of lead. Establish shot of volcano rumbling. KYLE Hey, what's that???? EXT. SOUTH PARK - TOWN - DAY Establishing shot of the town. Right next to Tom's Rhinoplasty is a small brick building with antenna on its roof and a sign the reads "South Park Center for Seismic Activity." INT. GEOLOGIST'S OFFICE A very average looking GEOLOGIST is sitting at the seismograph and just staring at it. For a long time he just sits there and stares at the little needle drawing a straight line. Suddenly, the needle starts to move! The Geologist perks up and moves in closer. GEOLOGIST What the heck is this? The needle moves frantically. The Geologist grabs the telephone and dials a number. GEOLOGIST Yeah, Frank? It's uh, Randy. Uh-huh... Good. Yeah, listen, the, uh, the little needle's moving. Pause. GEOLOGIST Yeah, it's going back and forth really fast. What does that mean? Pause. GEOLOGIST Uh-huh... Uh-huh..., let me check... The Geologist wheels back in his chair and looks at the peak of Mt. Evanston which is smoking. GEOLOGIST Yeah, it's smoking... Uh-huh... Oh really? Really? ZOOM IN on the Geologist. GEOLOGIST Oh my God...... A volcano! He drinks some coffee and sighs. COMMERCIAL BREAK I ACT II EXT. CAMPFIRE - NIGHT The boys and Jimbo and Ned sit around a sputtering little fire trying to cook wienies. CARTMAN My wienies won't cook! NED This wood won't burn. Jimbo takes a huge swig of Gin. JIMBO Well Ned, looks like we'll have to use the ol' Indian fire trick. NED Yepper! Ned jumps up and grabs a huge can of gasoline. Ned douses the fire with gas. The flames explode about 50 feet high! The fire travels into the can of gas and Ned suddenly catches on fire. NED AAAGGGHHH!!! JIMBO (Laughing) HA, HA! HEY, STOP, DROP AND ROLL, NED!! HA, HA!! Ned drops the gas can as he drops to the ground. Both the gas and fire flow underneath Jimbo's van, igniting it into a blazing inferno. KABLAM! Jimbo's van explodes in a huge fireball. STAN & KYLE Woa! JIMBO Godammit Ned, I just got that van! How the hell are we supposed to get home? But Ned is busy rolling around on the ground, trying to stop himself from burning. NED Oh it hurts! It hurts! Cartman puts his wienie on a stick over Ned's burning body. CARTMAN Hey you guys! This works pretty good right now! EXT. SOUTH PARK - MORNING The sun rises in South Park. Another day has begun. INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY Chef is sitting in the Mayor's office having a meeting. CHEF But you see, Mr. Mayor, you can't stop serving Salisbury Steak in our public schools... What's next? Meat Loaf? MAYOR We are quite aware of your concerns, Chef, but- A buzzer on the Mayor's desk sounds. VOICE Mayor, the Geologist is here to see you. MAYOR My Geologist? Now? Tell him the infection is fine and I don't need another check up. VOICE No, Mayor, that's a GYNECOLOGIST. A GEOLOGIST studies the Earth. The Mayor thinks long and hard. MAYOR Don't you think I know that?! How dare you insult my intellect! I went to Princeton for God's sake! You get out of my office!! VOICE I'm not in your office Mayor, I'm talking to you through a speaker. MAYOR Just send in the Geomotrist! VOICE Geologist. MAYOR YOU ARE FIRED BUDDY! VOICE Thank you, Mayor. It's been great working for you. Suddenly, the Geologist bursts into the room. GEOLOGIST Mayor! We have got A VERY BIG PROBLEM! Mount Evanston is about to erupt! MAYOR What does this mean to the town? The Geologist takes out another chart. It is very simple. GEOLOGIST Well this graph shows everything from normal to bad. Right now, South Park is here: He points with the pointer to 'Totally Screwed'. The Mayor stands up. MAYOR My God... CHEF Mayor! Some of the school children are up camping on that mountain RIGHT NOW! MAYOR Oh, oh, this IS Big! (Through intercom) Johnson! Johnson are you there?! VOICE Uh, you just fired Johnson, Mayor. I'm his replacement, Ted. MAYOR Ted, we have got a MAJOR crisis here! I want you to get on the phone, and call Inside Edition, Rescue 911, oh and Entertainment tonight. And you better get my stylist on the phone, too. Don't worry, things are under control. Chef and the Geologist blink at each other. EXT. SOUTH PARK - NIGHT Establishing shot of the moon over the starry, South Park sky. EXT. CAMPFIRE - NIGHT The boys listen intently to Jimbo as he finishes his ghost story. JIMBO And then Ned picked up the grenade and BLOOM!! Blasted his arm clear off! The boys all shudder with fear. Ned smiles. JIMBO We spent three hours looking for that damn arm. But it was never to be found! Some say it's still crawling around to this day! Suddenly, Ned grabs Cartman with his prosthetic arm. Cartman screams in horror. NED RAAAAAR!!! Jimbo, Ned and the boys all laugh. JIMBO Ha, ha! Got'chya! CARTMAN (Obviously scared) Huh-huh... That's not scary... KYLE You were scared, Cartman! You almost peed your pants! CARTMAN SHUT UP! I DIDN'T PEE MY PANTS!!!! JIMBO Hey Ned, hand me that gin. Ned gladly hands it over. JIMBO You boys want to tie one on? STAN No, no thanks, that stuff tastes like pee. KYLE Yeah, Cartman's pee. CARTMAN Oh, you would taste my pee. The boys all shake their heads. JIMBO What the hell's wrong with you? Can't you handle a little alcohol? Kenny grabs another can of gas and starts chugging it. JIMBO Christ! Look at the little bastard go! Kenny finishes the can. JIMBO Now you see that Stan? Now now that is a dirty little bastard. STAN Hey, I'm a dirty little bastard too. Stan slouches his shoulders and sulks. CARTMAN Hey you guys... I know a scary story. KYLE Shut up, Cartman, you can't scare anybody. Cartman takes the flashlight and shines it under his face. CARTMAN Oh yeah? Have you guys ever heard of... Scuzzlebutt? STAN Whattlebutt? CARTMAN Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives up on this very mountain and kills anybody who dares climb to the top. STAN Why? CARTMAN Because it loves the taste of blood! And likes to add pieces to its deformed body! The boys gather in around Cartman, entranced. KYLE Deformed how? CARTMAN Well, on his left arm, instead of a hand he has... STAN A hook! KYLE A knife! CARTMAN No! (Pause) ...A piece of celery. STAN Celery?! CARTMAN Yes, and he walks with a limp, because one of his legs is missing... And where his leg should be, there's nothing but... PATRICK DUFFY! The boys look utterly confused. KYLE Patrick Duffy?! Dammit, Cartman, that's not scary! CARTMAN What do you mean? Have you ever seen 'Step by Step'?! The boys all think. CARTMAN So he lives alone on this mountain, and weaves baskets and other assorted crafts. They say that on quiet nights, you can hear him weaving his baskets... Ka shink... Ka-shink... Ka-shink. STAN Cartman, you suck at telling scary stories! KYLE Yeah, gimme that flashlight! KENNY Mph rmph rmm rmph! Suddenly, the ground starts to rumble again. The boys all look around, scared. KYLE What is that? STAN (Laughing) Maybe it's Scuzzlebutt coming to weave us into wicker baskets! CARTMAN (Suddenly scared) HEY! It might be!! KYLE Gosh, I hope he doesn't cut me with his celery hand. Stan and Kyle laugh. CARTMAN Screw you guys! JIMBO Hey Ned, Why don't you whip out the old cancer Kazoo, let's do a little song. NED Koom by ya my Lord, Koom by ya. Koom by ya my Lord, Koom by ya. Koom by ya my Lord, Koom by ya. Oh Lord Koom by ya. Someone's crying my Lord Koom by ya. CARTMAN They don't think Scuzzlebutt is scary huh, Let's see how they like it when they actually see Scuzzlebutt. I'll scare the hell out of 'em tomorrow. NED Oh Lord Koom by ya. Someone's crying my Lord Koom by ya...... EXT. CAMPSITE - DAY Stan is snoozing away in his sleeping bag. KYLE Stan! Stan wake up! STAN (Groggily) What, dude? KYLE I don't know where Cartman is. I think something took him away! STAN Well, where's my Uncle Jimbo and Ned? KYLE They're out fishing with Kenny. STAN (Hurt) With Kenny? But, but this was supposed to MY camping trip... Why do they like Kenny so much? Doesn't he like me anymore? KYLE Well Stan, you want to know what I think? STAN What? Kyle rips a fart. EXT. LAKE - DAY Jimbo, Ned and Kenny are on a little canoe on the lake. Oddly, they have no fishing poles. JIMBO What a beautiful morning for fishing. There's one!! There's a fish right there!! Jimbo pulls the pin out of a grenade and throws it in the water. BLOOOOMM!!!!! Water explodes, and the dead fish goes flying into the air. NED Got it!! Kenny grabs a grenade and tosses it toward the shore. BOOOM!!! A few fish go flying. JIMBO Great instincts, boy! Stan runs up to the shore and calls out to the canoe. STAN Uncle Jimbo! Cartman's missing! JIMBO Who, the fat kid? STAN Yeah. JIMBO Oh hell, I guess we better go look for him. Ned, we gotta cut it short. Fire up the 12-20. Ned presses a button on the huge rocket mounted on the side of the boat. FWOOM!! The rocket fires deep into the water, a large surge follows, and then hundreds of dead fish float to the surface. JIMBO Well, I think that's about the limit for our fishing permit. Jimbo starts to row ashore. NED Man, it smells like dead fish here. KENNY Mph rmph rm rmph! Jimbo and Ned laugh hysterically. NED Oh, man! That is NASTY!! JIMBO Yeah! I don't think I've ever seen a kid as cool as you, Kenny. I'm making you my honorary Nephew! KENNY Mrph. Stan frowns. COMMERCIAL BREAK II EXT. SOUTH PARK - TOWN - DAY The whole city has turned out to see the spectacle of news crews that has overtaken South Park. NEWS ANCHOR The people of South Park are humble and friendly. But now, a ticking time bomb of hot lava waits to engulf these people and end their miserable lives with one last fleeting moment of excruciatingly painful, burning agony. The camera pans onto the townspeople who all cheer and wave at the camera happily. All trying to be seen on television. TOWNSPERSON Hey, I'm on TV, I'm on TV!!! NEWS ANCHOR Mayor, what are you doing to prepare for this inevitable catastrophe? MAYOR All we know right now is that some of our children are camping on that mountain, and. I'm sorry can I start over? NEWS ANCHOR Huh? MAYOR Well you can edit this, right? Ready? 3,2,1 - "All we know right now is that some of our children are up camping on that mountain. We can't do anything until we get them." The Mayor stands proudly in front of the townspeople. MAYOR Okay people! Let's go get those kids! The rescue crew, compiled of Chef, Barbrady, Garrison and several other townspeople, look extremely concerned for their lives. CHEF C'mon everybody, You got to help the children! EXT. MOUNTAIN - DAY Ned, Jimbo, Stan, Kyle and Kenny traipsing through the mountains. JIMBO Well, he couldn't have gone far... Unless something drug him off... Stan and Kyle look at each other. NED There's not many animals out today Jimbo. JIMBO Yeah, it's almost like something funny's going on... The ground rumbles a little bit. JIMBO Christ Ned, what'd you have for breakfast? NED I don't know man, I've got some bad gas. JIMBO Wait, There's a ram! It's coming right for us! Jimbo uses an M-16 automatic and blows holes through the ram like swiss cheese. Kenny stands next to Jimbo and fires some last remaining shots. JIMBO Nice shooting, Kenny! Here, you need a bigger gun! Jimbo grabs the large rifle out of Stan's hands, then grabs the smaller rifle out of Kenny's hands and then switches them. Stan fumes. KYLE Look! On top of the ridge, they see a strange creature moving. It has a pot for a head and two huge branches for arms. CARTMAN I am Scuzzlebutt! Lord of the Mountains! Behold my Patrick Duffy leg. NED What is it? KYLE Dude, it's Scuzzlebutt! Cartman wasn't lying! JIMBO Holy crow! We could make a MINT killing this thing!! NED We'll be on the cover of Guns and Ammo! JIMBO This calls for some HJ-14! Jimbo reaches into his backpack. EXT. RIDGE - DAY Cartman jumps up and down and makes wild noises. CARTMAN Huh-huh... Those guys are totally scared. EXT. FOREST - DAY Jimbo has two huge rockets strapped onto his shoulders. He grabs hold of a chord-- JIMBO Fire in the hole! ZBAM!! Jimbo pulls the chord and the rockets fire towards Cartman. Cartman quickly stops laughing and drops his smile. CARTMAN Holy crap!!! Cartman jumps to the side. The rockets just miss him and explode into the rocks with an enormous boom. JIMBO Dammit, I think I missed! CARTMAN What the hell is wrong with you people?! JIMBO Come on, let's move! MOVE!! Cartman tries to pull his costume off, but it's stuck. CARTMAN Hey wait. Arhhhhhhh!!! The group dashes up the ridge. Cartman yelps and runs away. EXT. BASE CAMP - DAY The townspeople have set up a large camp at the base of Mt. Evanston. Everyone is gathered around the Mayor, ad libbing shouts and concerns. MAYOR (Seeing she's on camera) Is it on? OK, Okay, people! Form groups and search the mountain! Report back here every hour! You got that? GEOLOGIST Mayor! I might have an idea! MAYOR Oh, what? The geologist takes out a huge map. GEOLOGIST If we can dig a very large trench, we can divert the lava into a Canyon! And then it would bypass South Park pretty much completely! MAYOR And... that would be good, right? GEOLOGIST I'm pretty sure! MAYOR Well what are we waiting for! Okay, people, change of plans! Half of you grab shovels! EXT. FOREST - DAY Jimbo and the kids traipse through the woods. JIMBO These look like his tracks! He must have gone this way! Ned! Ned joins Jimbo's side. JIMBO Prepare some HK-12 and some plasticine. Ned salutes. JIMBO I'll bet that sucker's headed for a higher elevation. The higher up it-- BIRD!! Jimbo shoots a bird out of the sky. JIMBO The higher up it goes, the better it can breathe. KYLE Look up there! Everybody looks up to where a little figure is standing near a cave. In the EXTREMELY FAR DISTANCE we can hear a voice. CARTMAN (Very faint) You guys, it's just me. JIMBO Are we sure it's Scuzzlebutt? STAN Does it have Patrick Duffy for a leg? JIMBO Well I can't tell. Let's kill it. CARTMAN I've got to get out of this stupid costume. JIMBO Kenny, you take the front. Stan comes to the front with a huge shotgun. STAN No, I can do it, Uncle Jimbo. I wanna bag that animal! JIMBO That's the spirit, kiddo! Let's hunt! Everybody rushes towards Cartman. CARTMAN You guys, you guys I was just kidding. EXT. RESCUE BASE CAMP - DAY The trench is already huge and deep. Everyone works on it feverishly when suddenly Officer Barbrady calls everybody together. T.V. ANCHOR As some people of South Park try desperately to save their mountain town, others look for the missing townspeople, but all must take every precaution necessary. OFFICER BARBRADY Okay people, listen up! Barbrady opens a large white projection screen. OFFICER BARBRADY As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety. Mr. Garrison, if you would please. Garrison turns on a rickety old projector. A black and white, scratched up 50's style film begins. FILM INT. OFFICE - DAY Our 50's style narrator sits at an old oak desk with his hands folded. NARRATOR Harbingers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress; And a volcano is no exception. But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family? EXT. MEADOW - DAY A pleasant 50's style family is gathered on a blanket, having a picnic. NARRATOR Here we see the Stevens family enjoying Sunday picnic. But suddenly, Daughter hears a noise. The family all looks around. NARRATOR It's a volcano. Junior seems worried. But have no fear, junior, Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt. Jane takes the picnic blanket and covers the family with it. NARRATOR That's right, Jane. Duck and cover. Lava flows over the family. But as soon as the lava is gone, the family emerges from underneath the blanket safe and sound. EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY Two young boys ride bicycles down the road. NARRATOR So what will you do when you hear a volcano erupting? The ground shakes, the boys look around, then quickly jump off their bikes and crouch next to a nearby tree. NARRATOR That's right. Duck and cover. Looks like you got the idea. More people ducking and covering as lava passes harmlessly over them. NARRATOR Duck and cover. Thank you and goodbye. The filmstrip ends. EXT. RESCUE BASE CAMP - DAY OFFICER BARBRADY Okay, any questions? CHEF That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pigcrap I have ever seen. OFFICER BARBRADY That's enough out of you! EXT. MOUNTAIN - FOREST - DAY The group continues their hot pursuit. STAN I'm gonna bag Scuzzlebutt, then we'll see who's a little bastard! Stan takes aim at Cartman through the gunsites. CARTMAN Hey!! Seriously you guys... But the group can't hear him. Stan levels the gun. KYLE Kill it Stan. Kill it! As hard as he tries, Stan can't shoot. He still can't kill. He takes a deep breath and tries again. But he just can't. COMMERCIAL BREAK ACT III KYLE C'mon Stan kill it! STAN AW, DAMMIT! I CAN'T DO IT! JIMBO You pansy! Give me that gun! Jimbo rips the gun out of Stan's hands. Just then, Cartman manages to get off his disguise. CARTMAN HEY!!!! STAN Cartman? CARTMAN God Dammit, don't shoot me! JIMBO What the Sam Hell? CARTMAN I was just trying to scare you guys. You can put that gun down now. Jimbo and Ned sighs with disappointment. NED So much for the cover of Guns & Ammo. JIMBO Yepper. But I think we've learned some important lessons Ned- I think that - KA-BAM!!!! The top of the mountain blows its top and lava fires up into the air. STAN WOA!! NED Holy crap! JIMBO The Mountain, it's BLOWN IT'S TOP!!! Suddenly, a huge lava bomb shoots up into the air from the volcano. The lava bomb drops from the sky. SCRUNCH!! It lands directly on top of Kenny. KYLE Oh my God! they killed Kenny! Just then, Kenny appears from behind the lava bomb, apparently, it landed in front of him. KENNY Mph rmph rm! Kenny waves happily. But just then, the large, round lava bomb rolls over on top of Kenny, smothering and burning him instantly. EXT. BASE CAMP The hot molten rock rushes down the mountain. A large group of rescue workers spot the flow. RESCUE WORKER #1 Look!! The volcano!!! RESCUE WORKER 2 Quick! Duck and Cover!!! The group ducks down and huddles on the ground. WHOOOSH! The hot lava covers them, burning them instantly to death. EXT. FOREST - DAY The lava continues to flow down the mountain. EXT. RIDGE - DAY JIMBO That lava's coming right for us! EXT. FOREST - DAY CHEF Oh, no! LOOK! Everybody turns to see Jimbo, Ned and the boys all running for their lives down the mountain. But they are on the other side of the large trench. JIMBO What the hell is this trench doing here? We can't get across! EXT. BASE CAMP The T.V. Anchor is reporting the scene to the camera. T.V. ANCHOR It now looks as if the missing children are trapped in the path of hot, nasty lava! The camera turns to the Mayor. MAYOR God, please deliver those darling kids from... Wait, wait wait wait. 3,2,and 1: God, please deliver... The townspeople can't do anything but watch in horror. EXT. RIDGE - DAY The lava rushes towards the group. CARTMAN HELP!!!! Just then, the group hears a strange noise. NOISE Grrrrrr. All of a sudden, a large bipedal creature appears! Covered in purple fur, the creature is HUGE and hideous. JIMBO Jiminy Poke! It's the REAL Scuzzlebutt! CARTMAN What?! Scuzzlebutt's real?! KYLE Oh my God!! Look at his leg! The boys look down to see that the creature, sure enough, has Patrick Duffy instead of a leg. PATRICK DUFFY Hi, kids. I'm T.V.'s Patrick Duffy. Everybody screams with horror. JIMBO Quick Ned! Shoot it!!! Ned fires his rifle. CLICK! It's empty. NED Oh no! out of ammo! Scuzzlebutt approaches menacingly, making strange Scuzzlebutt sounds. SCUZZLEBUTT Grrrrrr. The group turns to run, but the wall of lava is but fifty feet away and there is no way to go. They turn back around, but there is the looming Scuzzlebutt. EXT. BASE CAMP MAYOR What is that thing? CHEF That's Scuzzlebutt! MR. GARRISON Yeah, he has Patrick Duffy for a leg and weaves baskets. BARBRADY This isn't happening. Everyone look away, please. Nothing to see here. EXT. FOREST - DAY The lava flows closer. JIMBO Well, boys... I'm sorry I got you all killed. Scuzzlebutt picks up a HUGE tree and starts to shred it with his claws and teeth. KYLE AAAAGGHHH!! With lightning speed, Scuzzlebutt makes the tree into a large wicker basket and gestures for the hunters to step in. KYLE Whoa, he built a wicker basket. JIMBO Hey! He's saving us!! SCUZZLEBUTT Grrrrrr. Using a rope, Scuzzlebutt hoists the basket safely up over the trench, and then sets it down among the other townspeople. MRS. CARTMAN Scuzzlebutt saved the day! Everybody cheers. GEOLOGIST And my calculations worked! The lava is following the trench into the Canyon! Sure enough the lava hits the trench and immediately diverts away! MAYOR Hmnn, Where exactly does the Canyon go? The Geologist thinks. GEOLOGIST Uh... EXT. DENVER - DAY The hot lava travels down the canyon and smothers all of Denver, destroying the entire city, burning buildings and killing millions. EXT. MOUNTAIN - DAY MR. GARRISON South Park is saved! KYLE Hey look, Kenny's OK. KENNY Mafmm Mmmfm Mma T.V. ANCHOR And now these humble people can rejoice and celebrate their jovial victory over nature. I'm getting word that the Chef of the school cafeteria wants to sing a song about this thrilling struggle of humanity. The press people and rest of South Park rejoice with Ned, Jimbo and the boys. The whole town goes crazy with happiness. Music kicks in, Chef starts to sing. CHEF (Singing) Ooh, baby, every time that we kiss HOT LAVA! And every time we make love - That's lava, HOT LAVA! Lava so hot it makes me sweat, Lava so warm and red and wet - Lava ! T.V. ANCHOR Mayor, what do you have to say about this wonderful outcome? MAYOR Well, we owe everything to this friendly, yet misunderstood creature. Thank you, Scuzzlebutt. Scuzzlebutt leans down, plucks a flower and hands it to the mayor. Scuzzlebutt starts to make a noise... A word is audible: SCUZZLEBUTT ...Friend. MAYOR Oh, how sweet! Everybody smiles. The Mayor beams. Just then, Stan walks up to Scuzzlebutt, points the gun, and blows its head off. His bulky body falls to the ground. Everyone gasps. STAN I did it! I did it! I finally killed something! Jimbo and Ned look on in shock. T.V. ANCHOR Oh my God! What has he done?! MAYOR Turn off the cameras. STAN Hey! That was EASY! PATRICK DUFFY NOOOOO... Why God why? JIMBO Damnit Stan, you shouldn't have done that! STAN What? Why? KYLE Yea, make up your mind dude. JIMBO Stan, some things you kill and some things you don't. See? STAN No. NED Only now in this late hour do I see the folly of guns. I'll never use a gun again. Ned throws down the gun and it misfires killing Kenny. STAN But I just wanted you to be proud of me like you were with Kenny. JIMBO But Kenny's dead now Stan, and you're always going to be my nephew. And you just can't kill anything. You understand? STAN Dude, I don't understand hunting at all. KYLE Yeah, it's stupid. Let's go watch cartoons. CARTMAN Yeah, cartoons kick ass. The boys walk away. FIN