South Park Episode 104 "BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY BOATRIDE" by Matt Stone & Trey Parker EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY The boys are waiting for their bus. KYLE Hey, where's the school bus? We're gonna be late for football practice. A dog comes walking up to Stan wagging it's tail. STAN Hiya Sparky! KYLE Who's that? STAN That's my new dog, Sparky. (Proudly) He followed me to the busstop! KYLE Wow, cool! STAN Good boy, Sparky! Who's my best buddy? Who's your boy? Who's your buddy? CARTMAN Ugh, you're making me sick, dude. STAN He's part Doberman, and part wolf! He's the toughest dog on the mountain! CARTMAN No way. Everybody knows that Sylvester is the toughest dog in South Park! WHIP PAN to a mangy mutt bull dog sitting on the curb that looks ridiculously fierce and pissed off. STAN He's not meaner than Sparky! CARTMAN Oh yeah? Let's see... HEY SYLVESTER! Sylvester angrily walks over to the boys. He and Sparky immediately growl at each other. STAN Sparky'll kick his ass! CARTMAN I'll put a dollar on Sylvester! KYLE You're on, dude! Sparky and the other dog circle each other. Finally Sparky lunges! STAN That's it, Sparky kick his ass! Sparky hops on top of the dog. We see only the top part of Sparky and the boys' faces, which all look confused. CARTMAN Huh... He's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass. STAN Sparky?! Bad dog. KENNY Mphph rmph rm rmph! STAN WHAT? CARTMAN Yeah dude, I think your dog is gay! STAN What do you mean? CARTMAN That dog is a gay homosexual. STAN (To the boys) He's just confused. KYLE I think the OTHER dog's the one that's confused. KENNY Mph rmph rmph! STAN Sick, shut up, dude! Finally, Sylvester runs away yelping. CARTMAN (Singing) Stan's dog's a homo! Stan's dog's a homo! Cartman is cut off by the big yellow bus entering frame. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY The large football field sits behind South Park Elementary. The boys are all dressed in cute little football uniforms, with "South Park Cows" on the jerseys and a cow's head on the helmet. CHEF Okay children, I know that you're all extremely excited, nervous and anxious about the homecoming game against Middle Park -- KYLE Who's Middle Park? CARTMAN What's homecoming? CHEF -- But just remember what I taught you: That football is like making love to a really beautiful women; You can't always score, but when you do it makes all the trying worth while. The kids blink. CHEF Now let's start practice! Chef blows his whistle and the kids put on their helmets and walk to the field. PIP Ah, Mr. Chef, sir? CHEF Yes, Pip, what is it? PIP Well I still don't have a helmet. CHEF I know, Pip, the school can't afford helmets for everybody. PIP Yes, but, couldn't we ROTATE who doesn't have a helmet every week? Does it always have to be me? CHEF Yes, Pip, I'm afraid it does. PIP Oh. CHEF Sorry, son, now get your ass in there. Pip joins the other kids, who are in huddled positions at the line of scrimmage. Stan plays quaterback. STAN HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! CHEF HIKE THE DAMN BALL!! Cartman snaps the ball, which goes flying past Stan. The kids all yell and run around in circles. Kyle charges Pip head first, smashing Pip's helmetless head open. Chef rolls his eyes as Jimbo and Ned come walking up. JIMBO Hey, how's practice coming there, Chef? CHEF Huh? Oh, fine, fine. JIMBO I don't have to remind you just how important this game is to us South Park alumni. CHEF Elementary school alumni? JIMBO That's as far as most of us got. You think we have a shot at beating the spread against Middle Park this year? CHEF I don't know? What's the spread? JIMBO Middle Park by seventy points. CHEF Hmmm... Chef looks over at the kids who are running around in circles. Cartman takes the ball and immediately falls over on top of Kenny. CHEF I don't think we have a chance. JIMBO Nonsense, not with MY nephew at quaterback! Right, Stanly?! STAN Huh? Stan turns and gets smacked in the head with the football. He falls down, but then quickly gets up, grabs the ball and throws an incredible long bomb... At the other end, Kyle catches the ball! JIMBO Atta boy!! CHEF Great pass, Stan! JIMBO C'mon, Ned, we gotta get our asses to the bookie! Jimbo and Ned dash off. EXT. NEAR FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY The boys are all taking off their uniforms. CHEF Okay, that was a good practice children, we'll see you here again tomorrow. KYLE Hey Stan, isn't that your dog? Stan looks to see that Sparky is prancing onto the playing field. STAN Yeah, he must have followed me to football practice. You see? He IS smart! KID (CLYDE) Aw, my dog Rex follows me to football practice all the time. Little Rex just sits there. Sparky walks over to it. STAN Yeah, but MY dog found his own way here! That makes him smarter than your -- SPARKY get down!! KID OH MY GOD, WHAT IS HE DOING TO MY DOG?!?! CARTMAN There he goes again! STAN GET DOWN SPARKY! DOWN! CARTMAN Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay homosexual. KID Make him stop!! Finally, Rex runs away, yelping with his tail between his legs. All the other children start to laugh. KID #2 Ha, ha! I'm sure glad MY dog isn't gay! KID #3 Yeah, maybe you should name your dog SparkETTE Stan! KID #2 Gay dog! Stan looks at Sparky and sulks. INT. CLASSROOM Cartman is at the head of the class, giving what appears to be a book report. CARTMAN And so you see, Simon and Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television. MR. GARRISON Thank you for that presentation, Eric, but the assignment was on Asian cultures. You get a D-. CARTMAN Aw, Dammit! MR. GARRISON Who should we call on next, Mr. Hat? MR. HAT Well how about Stan, our little South Park quarterback star? MR. GARRISON Oh, good idea. Okay, Stanly, you're next. Stan gets up. STAN Umm... I'm not really prepared either. MR. GARRISON Well, just make something up like Eric did. STAN Okay... Uh... Asian culture has... plagued our fragile Earth for many years. We must end it -- MR. GARRISON Excellent! A-. CARTMAN AY! STAN Wow, cool! CARTMAN Wait a minute! Why the hell does he get an A-?! MR. GARRISON Eric, Stanly just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades, and we treat star athletes better, because they're better people. CARTMAN That's not fair! MR. HAT Life isn't fair, kiddo, get used to it. CARTMAN (To himself) Stupid puppet. The school bell rings. The kids all start to get up. MR. GARRISON (CONT'D) Don't forget your assignments tonight, children. They're due tomorrow for everybody but Stan. The kids all walk out, but Stan stays behind and walks up to Garrison's desk. STAN Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a question? MR. GARRISON Of course Stanly, what is it? STAN What's a... homosexual? Mr. Garrison's eyes get a little wide, he takes a deep breath. MR. GARRISON Oh... Well, Stanly, I guess you came to the right person... Sit down. Stan sits down, Mr. Garrison folds his hands. MR. GARRISON (Soft and calm) Stanly... Gay people... Well, gay people are evil. Evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitus oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand? STAN I guess. MR. GARRISON Good, I'm glad we could have this little talk, Stanly. Now you go outside and practice football like a good little heterosexual. Stan blinks. EXT. BUSSTOP The boys get off the bus and head home. CARTMAN You see me block that defense today? I was kicking ass. KYLE You're gonna need to kick more ass than that to beat the Cowboys. CARTMAN Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog. STAN Shut up, dude! Sparky walks up wearing a pink scarf. STAN Sparky! Where'd you get that pink scarf?! Sparky wags his tail. Stan grabs the scarf, pulls it off and tosses it away. Sparky barks extremely gayly. SPARKY (Feminine) Bark, bark. CARTMAN Man, that is the gayest dog I have ever seen. STAN He just needs some training, that's all... Sit Sparky! Sparky sits. STAN Good boy... Now, Shake... Sparky gives Stan his paw. STAN Good boy... Now, DON'T BE GAY. Sparky cocks his head to one side. Stan holds out a doggie snack. STAN DON'T BE GAY, Spark. DON'T BE GAY. Sparky frowns. KYLE Did it work? STAN I dunno. CARTMAN He still looks pretty gay to me. Some of the other kids walk by. KID Hey Stan, your dog been to any pride marches lately? KID 2 Yeah, maybe you should take him to a Barbara Streisand concert. KID Ha Ha Yea. KID 2 Stupid little gay dog. KID Gay dog. The mean kids walk away. Stan fumes. STAN Come on you guys, I have an idea! EXT. SMALL WOODEN BUILDING Jimbo and Ned walk up to the humble, small building and open the door. INT. SPORTS BAR The interior is ridiculously huge. Like the sports book at Ceasars Palace. Ned and Jimbo walk up to the booking counter. JIMBO I want five hundred dollars on the South Park Cows! BOOKIE Are you crazy? JIMBO No siree, I'm telling you I got the line. My nephew Stan is the best quarterback the school has ever seen. I GUARANTEE they'll beat the spread!! Suddenly, all the South Park residents go crazy placing bets at the counter. TOWNSPERSON 1 I'm gonna put all my money on the Cows! TOWNSPERSON 2 I'll put three hundred on the cows if they guarantee it. TOWNSPERSON 3 Hey I wanna put some money on the cows too! TOWNSPERSON 1 He guarantees it? JIMBO Uh -- Woa... Woa... Don't get TOO carried away, now... I... The place is an absolute frenzy, everyone in South Park is betting their life savings. TOWNSPERSON 3 You better be right about this, Jimbo. JIMBO (A little uneasy) Huh, huh... yea, don't, don't worry yourself. NED Are you sure Stan is that good? JIMBO (Quietly) Not THAT sure... I think we better come up with a back up plan... Uh let's see. Hey Bookie, what's the half time show gonna be? BOOKIE You haven't heard? John Stamos' older brother Richard Stamos is gonna sing 'Loving You'. NED I love that song. JIMBO Loving You?? THAT'S PERFECT!!! Come on Ned, Middle Park's gonna get a halftime show they'll never forget! COMMERCIAL BREAK #1 EXT. STAN'S HOUSE - DAY The boys and Sparky are standing next to a very large box. STAN Okay, Sparky, we got you a present. Now, why don't.... Dammit Sparky, where do you keep getting this thing?! Stan pulls the pink bandana off of Sparky and again tosses it away. STAN NO PINK BANDANA, SPARKY! BAD DOG!! Sparky turns his head. STAN Now pay attention, Sparky... Stan opens the box, and out walks a gorgeous white poodle, with pink ribbons in her ears and a sparkling diamond collar. STAN This is Fifi. Fifi struts around and shakes her rump. KYLE Ooh la la! Sparky actually starts to look interested! Fifi walks in front of him and Sparky slowly starts to follow her! CARTMAN There he goes! STAN Atta boy, Spark! Get her! Sparky hops up on top of Fifi -- STAN YES!! -- Sparky grabs Fifi's diamond collar with his teeth, rips it off, and throws it over his own head. Stan looks incredibly disappointed as Sparky struts around with his new jewelry. STAN AW CRAP!! Now what do I do?! KYLE Who cares if your dog is gay. Maybe it's not that bad. CARTMAN No way, dude! My mom says God hates gay people... That's why He smote the sodomies in France. KENNY Mph rmphrm rmph rmph. STAN I know, Mr. Garrison said that homosexuals are evil... But, but Sparky doesn't seem evil. KYLE Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong. You should ask somebody else. STAN Like who? INT. TELEVISION NARRATOR And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park public access. INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY Jesus sits at a desk with his hands folded. JESUS Yea, many of you are seeking answers. And I am the way for you my children. Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions. Jesus hits a button on the desk. JESUS Hello caller, you're on the air. MAN Yeah, is this Jesus? JESUS Yes my son. MAN This... this is Robert from Torrey Pines. I called last week asking for advice on my Ex-wife. JESUS Of course, Robert, how are things now? MAN Everything's much better, Jesus, she hasn't mouthed off since. I just wanted to thank you for the advice. Oh, and for dying for my sins, too. That was really nice of you. JESUS Blessed art thou, Robert. Next caller, you're on the air. STAN Uh, hi, Jesus? I have a dog... And he's... Uh... He's a homosexual. JESUS My son, a lot of people have wondered what my stance on homosexuality is. So I'd like to state once and for all my true opinion. You see -- Suddenly, the image is replaced by a card that reads 'South Park Public Access'. NARRATOR That's all the time we have left for Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for Marty's Movie Reviews! INT. STAN'S HOUSE - DAY Stan angrily hangs up the phone. STAN DAMMIT! KYLE What'd he say? STAN I got cut off for Marty's stupid Movie Reviews! CARTMAN Oh Marty's Movie reviews are on?! Kick ass!! Cartman leaves. STAN ISN'T THERE ANYBODY WHO CAN HELP ME?!?! ISN'T THERE ANYBODY WHO CARES?! KYLE Come on, dude, we have to get to practice. STAN NO IT'S NOT OKAY!! I DON'T WANT A GAY DOG!!! EXT. STAN'S HOUSE - DAY Sparky is standing in his little fenced yard. He looks up at an open window in the house where he can hear Stan clearly. STAN I WANT A BUTCH DOG!! I WANT A RIN TIN TIN!! Sparky lowers his head sadly. He turns, digs a quick little hole under the fence, and walks away. Sparky looks back only once, then makes his way out into the great unknown. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY CHEF Now children, we've got to handle the ball better. The boys are all standing there holding footballs. CHEF You've got to hold your football like you would hold your lover. The boys just stand there. CHEF Gently, yet firmly. The boys blink. Funky music kicks in. CHEF You want to be both nurturing and clinging at the same time... Oh yeah... just like making sweet love to the football... Be naughty with the football -- CHEF (singing) Spank it, ever so gently. Just.. KYLE Ah chef, CHEF Spank it! Spank it! KYLE CHEF!!! CHEF Spank the football, Spank it. KYLE CHEF!!!!! The music stops. CHEF Huh? Oh... Sorry, children... Let's run some plays. The kids head for the field. PIP Ah, Mr. Chef, sir? CHEF No, Pip we still don't have a helmet for you. PIP Right-o... But how about I'll use a helmet today, and one of the other children goes without. CHEF That wouldn't be very fair to the other children now would it. PIP Um, no... I guess not. EXT. BOMBSMITHS A small wooden building with a sign that reads 'Carl's' and under that 'Bombs, Explosives, and Accessories'. INT. BOMBSMITHS Jimbo and Ned are sitting at a small table looking at a small bomb. JIMBO What we want to do, Carl, is put a trigger on that bomb that makes it go off at a specific moment during halftime. CARL And what moment would that be? JIMBO Well, John Stomos' older brother is all set to sing 'Loving You' during halftime. We want that bomb to go off when he hits that high F. CARL What high F? JIMBO You know -- (SINGING) Loving you, is easy 'cause you're beautiful... Doot'n Doot'n Doo Doo AAAAHHH!!! CARL So you want it to trigger on the Doot'n Doo? JIMBO No damnit the AAAHHHH!! CARL (Hitting wrong note) Aaahhhh? NED Ahhhhhh JIMBO AHHHHHH! CARL Ahhhhh JIMBO Doot'n doot'n doo doo. Ahhh NED Doot'n doot'n doo doo. JIMBO You got it. CARL Doot'n doot'n doo doo. Ahhhhh, Uh yea okay. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY Practice is over. The boys are taking off their uniforms. CHEF What's the matter, Stan? You seem down. STAN I just can't concentrate, 'cause my dog is gay. CHEF Well, you know what they say; you can't teach a gay dog straight tricks. MR. GARRISON Oh, stop filling his head with that queer loving propaganda. CHEF Say what? You of all people should be sympathetic. MR. GARRISON What do you mean? CHEF Well you're gay aren't you? MR. GARRISON WHAT?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! I am not gay! CHEF Well you sure do act like it. MR. GARRISON I just act that way to get chicks, dumbass. Chef blinks. KYLE What's the matter, dude? STAN I don't know where Sparky is. He usually follows me to football practice. CARTMAN Maybe he went shopping for some leather pants. Stan slugs Cartman in the head. CARTMAN OW!! EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF SOUTHPARK All alone in a vast blizzard, Sparky trudges on. He walks slowly and sadly. He turns his head one way, and then another, uncertain where to go. Finally, he spots a large structure and walks towards it. The sign slowly becomes visible. It reads "Big Gay Al's". EXT. BIG AL'S Sparky walks up to large wooden doors, from where a large gay man emerges. BIG GAY AL Hello there, little pup. I'm Big Gay Al. Sparky looks around. BIG GAY AL Have you been outcast? Sparky gives a little nod. BIG GAY AL Well then I'm so glad you found my big gay animal sanctuary. We're all big gay friends here. Would you like to live with us? Sparky seems to smile. BIG GAY AL Come on in, little fellow. Nobody will ever oppress you here... Sparky Follows Big Gay Al into the large wooden doors. EXT. BUSSTOP - THE NEXT DAY Stan walks up to the other boys. STAN Have you guys seen Sparky? He still hasn't come back. KYLE Wow, it's been like two days. STAN I think he might have run away. CARTMAN Did you check the shopping mall? Stan slugs Cartman in the head. CARTMAN OW! KYLE Well, we'll help you look for him after the game. STAN I'm not playing. KYLE You what? STAN I'm not playing in that stupid game. I have to find my dog. Stan walks away. EXT. MIDDLE PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY Middle Park is a much nicer, larger school. Jimbo and Ned quietly tiptoe around the exterior of the school. Ned is carrying the bomb. JIMBO Come on, Ned, and keep quiet. NED Okay. They walk up to a little fenced-in horse. A sign above it reads 'Middle Park Cowboys Mascot - "Enrique"'. JIMBO Hello there, Enrique. NED What are we doing here? JIMBO Well, Ned, we always kidnap middle park's mascot... But THIS year we're gonna booby trap it instead! Jimbo attaches the bomb to the horse. JIMBO And when John Stamos older brother hits that high F in 'Loving You' BOOM!! No more middle park players!! Jimbo and Ned laugh. The horse looks extremely worried. JIMBO God damn I love football! EXT. OUTSIDE OF SOUTH PARK Stan walks along looking for Sparky. STAN Sparky! Where are you??!! Stan stops and looks around. STAN Where could he be?! EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - FIGHT Now a large crowd has gathered at the football field. The Middle Park Cowboys, looking sharp in silver and blue uniforms warm up for the game by doing stretches. SPORTSCASTER FRANK Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond at South Park public radio AM 900, welcome to tonight's match up between the Middle Park Cowboys and the South Park Cows. Well, looks like Chef, the South Park Cows' coach is a little nervous... This is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show up. CHEF (nervously checking his watch) Come on, Stan... PIP Uh, Mr. Chef, if Stanley doesn't show up, can I use his helmet? CHEF No, Pip, I'm sorry. EXT. SOUTH PARK Stan looks tired and beaten as he walks through the frozen tundra of South Park. STAN Sparky?! SPAAAARKY?! COMMERCIAL BREAK #2 EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - FIGHT REFEREE PLAY BALL!! CHEF You're gonna have to quaterback, Kyle. KYLE But I never practiced quarterback. CHEF Well it's a little late for that bullcrap now. The ref blows his whistle and the kids head for the field. SPORTSCASTER FRANK Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle Broslofski. The townspeople all MOAN and GASP. MR. GARRISON Hey, hey, where's little Stanly? MR. HAT Yeah, why the hell is that little Jewish kid playing quarterback?! Jimbo and Ned look at each other worriedly. JIMBO Ned! Look! Jimbo points to the Middle Park sidelines, where Enrique is just barely visible in a little cage. Strapped around Enrique's torso, is the large, obvious bomb. JIMBO They've got Enrique on their sidelines! And it looks like that bomb is still attached! NED Yea! Jimbo and Ned rejoice. EXT. BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY Stan walks up upon the HUGE compound on the outskirts of town. A large man with a pencil mustache comes out of the front gate. BIG GAY AL Hi, little fella, how are you doing today? STAN Fine, how are you? BIG GAY AL I'm super, thanks for asking! STAN My gay dog ran away and I was wondering if maybe he came here. BIG GAY AL Well... Let's see. Come on in! Big Gay Al whisks Stan inside the compound. EXT. BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY A huge outdoor compound with swimming pools and volleyball sandpits and every animal imaginable. STAN Do you have lots of gay dogs here? BIG GAY AL We have all sorts of gay animals here at Big Gay Al's. Over here we have a gay lion -- A big GAY LION lounges in the corner. GAY LION Roar. BIG GAY AL And we have gay water buffalo, gay hummingbirds -- here's a gaggle of gay gooses. A bunch of gooses walk by wing in wing and blow a kiss to Al. BIG GAY AL Hi fellas, it's so super to see you! STAN Wow, it seems like the animals here are really happy. BIG GAY AL Of course they are silly buns! It's the one place where gay animals can really be themselves. Do you like to dance? Big Gay Al hits a switch on the wall and raging TECHNO music kicks in. All the animals start to gyrate. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT The South Park team is in a huddle. KYLE Cartman you hike me the ball. Then somebody run and I'll throw it or something. Ready... PLAYERS BREAK! The kids step up to the line of scrimmage and look over the ominous Middle Park players. MIDDLE PARK PLAYER You guys are toast. MIDDLE PARK PLAYER #2 Yeah! We're gonna pound your heads in! CARTMAN We'll just see about that! Kyle gets behind Cartman, Cartman gets ready to hike the ball. KYLE Set... Set... Cartman farts. KYLE DAMMIT CARTMAN!! Suddenly Kyle backs off. CHEF (Shouting) What's the matter?! KYLE Cartman farted! CARTMAN No I didn't! That was just my shoes. Chef rolls his eyes. CHEF Come on, Kyle, we'll get a delay of game penalty! KYLE No way, dude! CHEF HIKE THE BALL!! KYLE Oh, dude, weak. Kyle lifts his jersey up over his nose and gets back behind Cartman. CARTMAN That's right you get back there now. KYLE HIKE! The ball snaps. SPORTSCASTER FRANK The ball is snapped... Middle Park Blitzes!! The Middle Park kids charge Kyle and pound the shit out of him. SPORTSCASTER FRANK FUMBLE!! Middle Park gets the ball... They run it in for a TOUCHDOWN!! The score is seven -- nothing Middle Park with 14:57 remaining in the first quarter. In the stands, Ned and Jimbo look at each other with concern. JIMBO Hell's bells. SPORTSCASTER FRANK I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King. Sportscaster Phil quickly covers the microphone. SPORTSCASTER PHIL Now Frank, that's not very P.C. you're gonna get in trouble again! SPORTSCASTER FRANK Right, right, I gotta watch that... TOWNSPERSON If we lose our money 'cause of your nephew, we're gonna hang you up to dry, Jimbo! JIMBO Don't ya'll worry... You just wait 'til halftime! INT. BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY The animals continue to dance. Stan dances techno with them, when suddenly he spots something. STAN SPARKY!! SPARKY Bark. Sparky walks over with his pink bandana, happy to see Stan. STAN Hiya Sparky, how's it going? SPARKY Bark. STAN I missed you, old pal, you really had me scared. SPARKY Bark. STAN Come on, let's go home, I can still make it in time for the game. Sparky starts to follow Stan out. STAN We can work on making you not gay together. Sparky stops in his tracks. Stan turns back around, puzzled. STAN Sparky? Just then, Big Gay Al walks up behind Stan. BIG GAY AL Young man it appears you still don't understand. STAN What don't I understand? BIG GAY AL Come this way, I have to show you something. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT ANNOUNCER With just over a minute to go in the half, the score is Middle Park Cowboys 52, South Park cows 0. Kyle again hikes the ball, he hands off to Pip, whose head is a bloody, dirty mass. Pip charges the line of scrimmage and is immediately pummeled. One of the Cowboys scoops up the ball and runs it in for a touchdown. SPORTSCASTER FRANK I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant. SPORTSCASTER PHIL (Covering the mic) Dude! Now that is NOT COOL! SPORTSCASTER FRANK Sorry, sorry. INT. BIG GAY AL'S Stan follows Big Gay Al through a large Corridor. BIG GAY AL Okay Stan, I think you should get in line for my big gay boat ride. Big Gay Al points to a Disneyland-esque ride with 'Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Adventure' sign above it. Little wooden boats travel along a man-made canal, similar to the Jungle Cruise. About four people are standing in line. BIG GAY AL Step aboard, Stanly. Stan and Big Gay Al get on one of the little boats, which heads down the canal. Big Gay Al picks up a microphone at the front of the boat. BIG GAY AL Hello everyone, and welcome aboard the big gay boat ride. On this adventure, we'll be seeing the world of gayness throughout time. Stan blinks. INT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT The Cowboys kick off the ball to the Cows. SPORTSCASTER FRANK And the South Park Cows are set to receive... There's the kick... It's taken by number 23, Kenny McKormik. Kenny grabs the ball and runs down the field. He actually manages to dodge some tacklers! He runs faster and faster! He just might make a good play! SPORTSCASTER FRANK He's at the 50! The 40! The 30! Suddenly, two Middle Park players tackle Kenny, violently ripping off one of his arms. Kenny starts bleeding profusely, then gets his head ripped off by another Cowboy player. SPORTSCASTER FRANK The little running back is DOWN! I think he's... Yes he's been decapitated! KYLE OH MY GOD! THEY'VE KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARDS!! SPORTSCASTER PHIL That's gotta hurt, Frank! SPORTSCASTER FRANK Ouch-a-roo! CHEF Hey, come on, that was roughing!! ...At least let us scrape him off the field!! SPORTSCASTER FRANK Looks like the South Park Cows aren't even going to beat the 72 point spread, not by a long shot. INT. BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY AL You see, Gayness has existed since the beginning of time... The boat passes little animatronic cave men. Two of the cave men are holding hands. BIG GAY AL From the Egyptian Pharaohs... The boat passes two gay Egyptian men. BIG GAY AL To the Shoguns of Japan... Two Shoguns in a techno dance club. BIG GAY AL Oh, oh! Look out! It's the oppressors! Christians and Republicans and Nazis OH MY! Three lame animatronics dressed respectively as a Christian, a Republican and a Nazi, beat an innocent homosexual with a pipe. Just like the jungle cruise, Big gay Al takes out a fake pistol and fires blanks at the animatronics. BIG GAY AL Hoo! Oh gosh That was close! Okay let's steer our big gay boat out of here, and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely... The boat passes through to large doors, which open into a HUGE, colorful, festive room where tons of animatronics dance and sing merrily. SONG We're all gay and it's okay! 'Cause gay means happy and happy means gay! We're not sad anymore 'cause we're out the closet door! It's OKAY to be GAY!! Stan looks around in disbelief. All the gay things dance, sing and do silly things. SONG It's okay to be Gay! it's okay to be Gay! La La La La La... BIG GAY AL So what do you think, Stan? STAN This kicks ass! Stan looks down at Sparky. STAN I'm sorry I tried to change you, Spark. I just didn't understand. Sparky barks and pants happily. Stan pets him on the head. BIG GAY AL Isn't this precious? EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - HALFTIME - NIGHT SPORTSCASTER FRANK And now here to sing the touching song 'Loving You' is the one and only... John Stamos' brother!!! The crowd let's out a small smattering of applause. Music begins. Jimbo and Ned give each other knowing glances and then look over at the Middle Park sidelines. ANGLE - SIDELINES Enrique is absolutely horrified, waiting to explode in the midst of the Middle Park players. RESUME - FOOTBALL FIELD Patrick Stamos steps up to the mic and starts to sing. JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER Loving you... Is easy 'cause you're beautiful... ANGLE - JIMBO AND NED ANGLE - ENRIQUE RESUME - FOOTBALL FIELD JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER Do du doot'n da doo... And then the big note is about to come... JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER (Low register) Ahhha.....Ahhhh.......Ahhhhh. Jimbo and Ned look shocked. JIMBO What the hell?! He didn't sing the high F!!! MR. GARRISON Richard Stamos can't sing a high F. He always screws it up like this. Jimbo and Ned look absolutely defeated. JIMBO Ned... We're gonna get our asses kicked. JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER Loving you... MR. GARRISON (heckling) It's obvious where all the talent in THAT family went! JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER Doot'n doot'n doo doo... COMMERCIAL BREAK #3 EXT. BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY Stan, Sparky and Big Gay Al stand outside the Animal Sanctuary. STAN Thanks for everything Big Gay Al! SPARKY Bark!! BIG GAY AL No problem kids! Are you sure you don't wanna stay for some toasted cheese sandwiches? STAN No thanks, I've gota get back for the big football game. Come on boy! Stan and Sparky run off. BIG GAY AL Oh Stan -- Stan turns around. BIG GAY AL When you get back to town... Tell them about us, will you? Tell them there are gay animals here who need homes desperately. STAN I will Big Gay Al, I will. Stan waves goodbye and runs off. Big Gay Al watches Stan go fondly, and then suddenly panics. BIG GAY AL Ooh, my carrot cake! EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT The little football clad kids crash violently into each other. SPORTSCASTER FRANK And these South Park cows are being absolutely MOLESTED by Middle Park. I haven't seen so many children molested since -- In the stands, the townspeople are just sitting there, bored and disheartened. MR. GARRISON I thought you said beating the spread was a sure thing, Jimbo! MR. HAT Yeah, we all put our lives' savings in this game! TOWNSPERSON 1 You're a DEAD MAN, Jimbo!! Jimbo shrinks in his seat as all the townspeople start YELLING at him and throwing their food at him. SPORTSCASTER FRANK Well, this should just about wrap it up for -- Wait a minute, what's this? Suddenly, Stan and Sparky come running over the hill. The townspeople all CHEER!! SPORTSCASTER PHIL It's Stan, the South Park star quarterback!! CHEF Where the hell of you been, Stan? STAN I've been getting my best friend back. Sparky pants happily. CHEF Just get in there, boy! Chef throws a helmet on Stan's head and pats his ass toward the playing field. JIMBO Give 'em hell, Stanly!! Stan walks up to the line of scrimmage. JIMBO (Praying) Jesus... Now I haven't asked you for much... But all we need is one little score. PLEASE? PLEASE Jesus?? Pull back to reveal that Jesus is sitting next to him in the stands. JESUS Leave me alone. STAN HIKE! SPORTSCASTER FRANK Stan hikes the ball... He steps back to pass!! KYLE Hey Stan! I'm open I think!! SPORTSCASTER FRANK And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid! Kyle catches the ball and runs down the field. SPORTSCASTER FRANK Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938! SPORTSCASTER PHIL DUDE!! Kyle runs into the end zone and falls down. SPORTSCASTER PHIL TOUCHDOWN!!!!! The crowd goes wild. SPORTSCASTER FRANK The clock runs out! And the Final score is Middle Park Cowboys 73, South Park cows six! South Park beats the spread. Everybody cheers and hugs. The South Park Cows all converge on Stan and rejoice. Stan is heroically hoisted onto a small stage, where everybody is gathered around. TOWNSPERSON Speech! Sportscaster Frank steps up and shoves a microphone in front of Stan. SPORTSCASTER FRANK Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost victory? STAN Uh... It... It's really cool that we beat the spread against the Cowboys. The townspeople all cheer. STAN And... And maybe we can beat 'em even more next year! The townspeople all cheer. STAN And it's okay to be gay! The townspeople all get incredibly quiet. JIMBO What?! STAN Being gay is just a part of nature, and a beautiful thing! MR. GARRISON What the hell is he talking about?! SPORTSCASTER FRANK Uh... Stanly you arrived very late in the game, where were you that whole time? STAN I was with my new friend Big Gay Al. He showed me his Big Gay Animal Sanctuary and took me on a Big Gay Boat ride where I learned all about the wonders of gayety. The townspeople all look at each other and blink. STAN It's true, I'll show you. EXT. BIG GAY AL'S BIG GAY ANIMAL SANCTUARY Nestled between the two mountain peaks are... Nothing. No Big Gay Al's... Nothing. STAN But it was here... It was all right here. There was a techno dance club... CARTMAN Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, alright, seriously I'm worried about you man. TOWNSPERSON OLIVER!! A townsperson runs over to where all the gay animals are standing and picks up a cat. TOWNSPERSON I thought you ran away all those months ago! Now other townspeople walk toward the gay animals and start to reunite. TOWNSPERSON 2 SIDNEY!! TOWNSPERSON 3 WHINNY!! TOWNSPERSON 4 CARLOS!! The townspeople all rejoice with their gay animals, leaving Stan all alone. BIG GAY AL I want to thank you for bringing everybody here. Big Gay Al is standing there with a small suitcase, which he sets on the ground and opens. STAN Oh, there you are, dude. How's it going? BIG GAY AL I'm super, thanks for asking. It looks like now my work here is done. Big Gay Al steps into his suit case, and presses a large blue button. BIG GAY AL Goodbye, Stanly, peace be with you. The suitcase closes with Big Gay Al inside, then powers up and shoots up into the sky to outer-space. STAN Wow... Stan watches as the little suitcase ship becomes just another twinkling star. COMMERCIAL BREAK #4 JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS!! I CAN DO IT!! Everybody looks at Patrick Stamos. MR. GARRISON Do what? JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER (Singing) Loving you... Is easy 'cause you're beautiful. Doot'n Doot'n... Enrique looks absolutely horrified. Jimbo and Ned look even more horrified. JIMBO NO!!! JOHN STAMOS' BROTHER Doo Doo! AABOOOOMMM!! THE END