South Park Episode 106 "DEATH" by Matt Stone & Trey Parker ACT I INT. STAN’S HOUSE - DINING ROOM - NIGHT Stan's Family (Father, sister and Grandfather) are seated at a table. Mother walks up holding a birthday cake with a ridiculous number of number of candles. STAN & FAMILY Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear grandpa! Grandpa drools a little from his wheelchair. STAN & FAMILY Happy birthday to you! STAN'S MOTHER Now blow out the candles grandpa! Grandpa manages the smallest wheeze, which doesn't even make the flames of the candles flicker. Stan's family members all applaud. STAN'S FATHER How does it feel to be a hundred and two, paps? GRANDPA Shoot me. STAN'S MOM Make a wish grandpa! GRANDPA I wish I were dead. FATHER Ha, ha! That's our silly grandpa! GRANDPA I'm not being silly! Kill me! I'd do it myself, but I'm too damn old! STAN'S MOM Oh, who wants ice cream with their cake? STAN I will. FATHER Me. Stan looks up and the clock and gasps. STAN It's eight o'clock! My favorite T.V. show is on! SHELLEY That show's for babies, it's so stupid! STAN Can I eat my cake in the living room, mom? Please? Can I? STAN'S MOM Oh, alright. But take your grandpy with you. STAN Aw, dammit. STAN'S MOM Language! INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Stan is sitting on the couch watching television and eating cake. NARRATOR And now back to Terrance and Phillip! ANGLE - TELEVISION Two average looking teens (animated in a slightly different style) are sitting on a couch. PHILLIP Hey Terrance, I think I have to fart. Stan laughs. TERRANCE Wait! before you do, Pull my thumb. Phillip pulls Terrance's thumb. Terrance FARTS loudly. The laugh track laughs. Stan laughs. PAN OVER to reveal grandpa, who is trying to point a shotgun at his head. Grandpa pulls the trigger -- BLAM!! He misses, blowing a picture of the wall. GRANDPA Aw Dammit!! Grandpa looks at Stan. GRANDPA How would you like to make a dollar, Billy? STAN My name's not Billy, grandpa, it's Stan. GRANDPA Dammit, Billy! Do you want a dollar or don't ya?! STAN Sure. GRANDPA Okay, you just have to do one thing for me... STAN I'm not going to kill you, grandpa. GRANDPA WHY NOT?! STAN 'Cause! I'll get in trouble! GRANDPA I killed my grandpa when I was your age! STAN Leave me alone, grandpa. GRANDPA What has America's youth come to?! Kids won't even kill their own grandparents!! INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT Kyle is sitting in front of the T.V. watching the same T.V. show. ANGLE - TELEVISION PHILLIP Hey Terrance, now that you've farted, I think I might fart too! Phillip leans over and rips a big one. The laugh track laughs. TERRANCE Ooh! You farted! The laugh track laughs again. Kyle laughs painfully. He holds his stomach. Just then, Kyle's mother walks in. KYLE'S MOTHER Kyle boopie, What are you watching? But Kyle is laughing too hard to speak. His mother looks at the television. TERRANCE Hey Phillip, would you like a flower? PHILLIP I sure would Terrance. TERRANCE Alrighty then, here's a Tulip PUUU!! Terrance farts. RESUME - KYLE AND MOTHER Kyle is rolling around on the floor laughing wildly. KYLE'S MOTHER What is this? It's horrible! KYLE (Collecting himself) Dude, it's 'Terrance and Phillip'. ANGLE - TELEVISION PHILLIP Take that you stupid dick! KYLE'S MOTHER WHAT did he say?! TERRANCE You're an asshole, Phillip! KYLE'S MOTHER What-what-WHAAAATT? Kyle's mom snaps the T.V. off. KYLE'S MOTHER Young man, you are not to watch that show anymore! It's immature toilet humor! KYLE But EVERYBODY watches Terrance & Phillip! KYLE'S MOTHER Oh, really, is that SO?! INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE Cartman is on the couch eating cheesy poofs and watching television. ANGLE - TELEVISION Terrance and Phillip are floating out in space. TERRANCE Oh no, Phillip! looks like you're about to fart! PHILLIP You're exactly right, Terrance!! A huge FART sound. Cartman laughs wildly. CARTMAN Sweet! CARTMAN'S MOM Eric dear, I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty, and might make you a potty mouth. CARTMAN That's a bunch of crap. Kyle's mom is a dirty jew. CARTMAN'S MOM Oh, okay hon. INT. STAN'S HOUSE Stan walks up to his bedroom door and looks at his list of chores. 'Take Out Trash' followed by 'Feed Sparky' then 'clean up room' and then, sloppily scribbled in crayon, 'Kill Grandpa'. Stan looks confused, then realizes that grandpa is down the hall. STAN I'm not going to kill you, grandpa! Grandpa appears in the background. GRANDPA Ingrate! STAN G'night grandpa. Stan goes into his room. GRANDPA You pompous son of a whore! INT. CLASSROOM - DAY The kids are filing into their desks. Kyle gets into his desk, and immediately gets slugged in the head by Cartman. KYLE OW! What the hell was that for?! CARTMAN That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance and Phillip last night! CLYDE Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call all our moms last night? KYLE Well, I didn't have her do it, she did it on her own! CARTMAN Why does this happen every month? It seems like right about the same time every month Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something -- and I always end up getting screwed by it! Mr. Garrison steps in front of the class. MR. GARRISON Children, children, a certain student's mother called me last night... CARTMAN Oh gee, I wonder whose mother THAT could have been! MR. GARRISON She informed me that some of you might be watching a naughty show called 'Terrance and Phillip'. The whole class smiles and cheers. CLASS YEAH! MR. HAT Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison. MR. GARRISON That's right, Mr. Hat, shows like Terrance and Phillip are what we call 'toilet humor'. They don't expand your minds. The kids blink. MR. GARRISON You see, children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash. Kenny walks in. MR. GARRISON Kenny, why are you late to class? Kenny says nothing, but just hands Mr. Garrison a note. ANGLE - NOTE 'Please excuse me from being late. I have explosive diarrhea'. RESUME - GARRISON MR. GARRISON Oh. Okay, Kenny. Be seated. Kenny walks to his desk. MR. GARRISON Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because you -- yes Kenny, what is it? Kenny has his hand raised. KENNY Mph rmph rm. MR. GARRISON I thought you just came from the bathroom. KENNY Mph rm rmph rm mph mph rm rm mm. MR. GARRISON Oh okay, okay, go ahead. Kenny walks into a little bathroom. MR. GARRISON As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There is much more to life than two young men farting on each other. Suddenly, we HEAR the sounds of splashing water and explosive diarrhea. MR. GARRISON And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad. Usually they get taken right off the air. You see you should be spending your time enlightening your mind with more intelligent entertainment. Kenny walks out of the bathroom and takes his seat again. STAN Whew! Smells like you slaughtered a cow in there, Kenny! MR. GARRISON Pay attention, children! I'm going to join your parents in requesting that you don't watch Terrance and Phillip anymore, ever. CARTMAN WHAT?! CLYDE Not watch Terrance and Phillip EVER? MR. GARRISON That's right, children, are there any questions? (Pause) Yes, Stanly? STAN Is it okay to kill somebody if they want you to? Garrison is taken aback. MR. GARRISON What do you mean? STAN The whole class sits and thinks. STAN My grandpa keeps asking that I kill him all the time, and sometimes I wonder if I should. KYLE Well then you should. I think that a person has a right to die if they wanna. STAN Really? KYLE Yeah, there's this guy named Jack Laborkian that goes around and murders people that ask him to, and he doesn't get in trouble at all. STAN Wow. CARTMAN Hey! Maybe we could get him to kill Kyle's mom! STAN So IS it okay to assist somebody with suicide, Mr. Garrison? Mr. Garrison thinks. MR. GARRISON Uh, Stan... I'm not touching that one with a twenty foot pole. Stan looks bummed. KENNY Mph mph mph!!! Kenny dashes to the bathroom, slams the door, and let's go of horrible, explosive diarrhea. COMMERCIAL BREAK #1 INT. CAFETERIA - DAY The boys are in line for lunch. CARTMAN Man, I can't believe we're gonna miss Terrance and Phillip today! I think I'm already having withdrawal! Cartman starts shaking and quivering uncontrollably. STAN Don't worry, dude. We can all go watch it at my house! My parents don't get home until late. KYLE But won't your grandpa be there? STAN Yeah... CARTMAN Just kill him, dude, maybe he'll give you some money. CHEF Hello there, children! STAN Hey Chef. CHEF How's it going? STAN Bad. CHEF Why bad? STAN Chef, Is it okay to kill your grandpa? CHEF You can't kill my grandpa, Stan, he's already passed on. STAN No I mean kill MY grandpa. CHEF No I don't think that's okay, Stan. In fact I think that's illegal. STAN See, I told you, dude. KYLE Well yeah, but what if the grandpa wants to die, 'cause he's really old, and he's just asking for help? CARTMAN Yeah, like assisted suicide, what about that? Chef thinks again. CHEF I don't want to touch that with a forty-foot pole. Chef runs away. They boys just sit there and blink. STAN What's the big deal? Why won't anybody talk about this? INT. PTA MEETING - DAY A large group of parents have gathered in a small meeting hall. Kyle's mother is at the head of the group, speaking at a podium. KYLE'S MOTHER ...and I myself was not aware of this outrageous, horrible show until recently. I have a clip of this show to demonstrate exactly what I mean. Kyle's mom hits a button of a remote. A video image of Terrance and Phillip starts. ANGLE - TELEVISION SCREEN TERRANCE Hey, Phillip, guess what? PHILLIP What? FARRRRRRT... The clip ends. KYLE'S MOTHER Now, apparently that's supposed to be FUNNY. Laughing is heard from the back of the room. CUT TO Stan's Father, who is giggling to himself. STAN'S DAD Ha, ha... He farted right on his head! The other parents look at Stan's dad, disgusted. Kyle's mom sighs. KYLE'S MOTHER Not allowing our kids to watch this show is not enough. We need to BOYCOTT THE ENTIRE NETWORK!! ALL THOSE IN FAVOR?! Hands bolt up into the air. Suddenly, violent poo sounds emerge from the toilet. Mr. Garrison steps out. MR. GARRISON Ooh, I think I've caught a touch of flu from little Kenny this morning. I've got the green apple splatters. Some of the men in the audience laugh. INT. STAN'S HOUSE Stan walks in the door followed by the other boys. Grandpa is sitting in his wheelchair trying to stick a fork into a light socket. STAN Hi, Grandpa. I brought my friends over to watch T.V. if that's okay. GRANDPA Billy, help grandpa stick this fork in the outlet. STAN No Grandpa, I'll get in trouble! GRANDPA Kill me God damnit! STAN No! I can't even kill a deer! GRANDPA Well then have one of your little friends do it!! (To Cartman) You can kill me, can't you? CARTMAN I would never kill somebody -- not unless they pissed me off. GRANDPA Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell you something, Porky, your mom was over here earlier and I humped her like a little bitch. CARTMAN WHAT?! GRANDPA That's right. STAN GRANDPA!! GRANDPA And then I dug up your great grandma's skeleton and had my way with her too! Choice piece of ass, your great grandma!! CARTMAN HEY! YOU PIECE OF CRAP! I'LL KILL YOU!! GRANDPA That's the spirit, Tubby!! STAN Come on, Cartman, he's just trying to get to you! Stan grabs Cartman and pulls him away. CARTMAN Don't talk about my mom like that!! STAN We can go watch Terrance and Phillip in the kitchen. GRANDPA (Calling after him) I ever tell you 'bout the time I boofed your dad, fatso? INT. STAN'S HOUSE - KITCHEN The boys are standing next to a small T.V. set and a phone. Cartman is still fuming. CARTMAN I can't believe that son of a bitch! STAN Here, Cartman, have some snacky cakes. CARTMAN (Suddenly fine) Ooh, snacky cakes? Good deal... Cartman starts to gorge himself. STAN I don't know what to do, dude. My Grandpa really wants to die. KYLE I'm telling you, it's okay. Maybe you should ask the Lord for guidance. STAN Hey yeah, good idea. Stan picks up the phone. INT. JESUS AND PALS SET NARRATOR And now back to 'Jesus and Pals' on South Park Public Access. JESUS Yea, believe in me and ye shall find peace. ...First caller, you're on Jesus and Pals. VOICE Yeah, is this Jesus? JESUS Yes, caller, you need to turn your T.V. down, that's why you're getting that weird feedback. VOICE Oh sorry... Uh, this is Mar -- JESUS Martin from Aspen Park, yes I know. VOICE ...How the hell did you know that? JESUS Well, maybe because I'm the son of God, brainiac, now do you have a question? VOICE Oh yeah, uh, I have this cousin who cheated on the SAT's to -- JESUS Tell little Gregory that cheating is lying and lying is wrong, no matter what the circumstance. VOICE Oh, Okay, thanks for the advice, Jesus. JESUS Next caller, you're on the air. STAN Jesus? JESUS Yes my son. STAN Jesus, is it okay to kill somebody if they ask you to because they're in a lot of pain? You know, like assisted suicide. Is that okay? JESUS My son... STAN Yes? JESUS I'm not touching that with a sixty foot pole. Jesus QUICKLY reaches over and switches phone lines. JESUS Next caller -- INT. STAN'S HOUSE STAN GOD DAMMIT!! JESUS I heard that. STAN What the hell is wrong with everybody?! CARTMAN Hey you guys! 'Terrance and Phillip' is on! STAN Yeah! Stan starts to change the channel. KYLE Hey, do you think we'll get in trouble for watching it? STAN Kyle, don't be a butthole! CARTMAN Yeah, just 'cause your mom is a stupid bitch doesn't mean the whole world has to suffer. KYLE Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman! CARTMAN Oh, Bitch... your mom is a Bitcha Bitcha Bitch... ANGLE - TELEVISION ANNOUNCER And now back to Terrance & Phillip. The two very plain looking teens are sitting on a couch. TERRANCE Hey Philip, would you like to eat some beans? PHILLIP Oh yeah! I love beans! RESUME - KITCHEN CARTMAN (Laughing) Oh oh... I bet I know what's coming! Grandpa wheels himself in and nonchalantly hands Stan a piece of rope. GRANDPA Billy, would you mind holding this for grandpa, please? Stan doesn't take his eyes off the T.V. STAN Okay, grandpa, okay. Just get out of the way of the T.V. Stan takes the rope. Grandpa heads to the background. ANGLE - TELEVISION TERRANCE Hey Phillip, it looks like those beans might make me fart! PHILLIP Well, don't fart on me, Terrance! RESUME - LIVING ROOM The boys all laugh merrily. Meanwhile, Grandpa is doing something odd in the background. He is throwing the other end of the rope around a crossbeam. KYLE Dude, he's gonna fart on his head again!! Suddenly, Kenny jumps up and rushes to the bathroom. We HEAR a door SLAM and then the sounds of splashing water and explosive diarrhea. KENNY Mmmf Mrph mamm Mrmmm! CARTMAN Hey, you're gonna miss it, Kenny! A fart sound comes from the T.V. The boys all break out laughing hysterically. PHILLIP You're such an ASSHOLE Terrance!! TERRANCE Ha Ha charade I am. The boys laugh even harder. CARTMAN Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna miss the fart!! Just then, Shelley walks in! SHELLEY JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?! Stan jumps up and stands in front of the T.V. STAN We're not watching Terrance and Phillip, I swear! I mean... CARTMAN was watching it. SHELLEY No, I mean what the HELL ARE YOU DOING TO GRANDPA?! Stan looks down at the rope in his hand, then follows it up over a crossbeam, and finally sees grandpa at the other end, hanging by the neck. GRANDPA (Choking) Tug... a... little... harder... Billy... STAN AGH! Stan lets go of the rope and grandpa crashes to the ground. SHELLEY You little jerk, you were trying to kill grandpa!! I'm telling mom!! GRANDPA (Coughing) Dammit, I was so close! INT. NEWSROOM - DAY REPORTER Four third graders from South Park, Colorado were found trying to viciously murder an innocent, grandfather. INT. STUDIO - DAY The boys are on some kind of talk show. REPORTER Boys, how did you get driven so far to the edge? What changed you into such demonic little bastards? STAN We didn't know what we were doing. We were just sitting there watching 'Terrance and Phillip' and -- REPORTER Terrance and Phillip!! Ah HA!!! SO it IS that show that is to blame! EXT. SOUTH PARK Kyle's mother is standing in front of the town with yet another reporter. KYLE'S MOTHER These boys' minds have been tainted by the garbage on television that they see, and we are FED UP! A random TOWNSPERSON holds his stomach and runs into a bathroom where thundering shit sounds emerge. Garrison runs up to the bathroom door and pounds on it. KYLE'S MOTHER We have to stop this smut from going on the air! We will march to the network and PROTEST UNTIL OUR DEMANDS ARE MET!! NEW YORK, HERE WE COME!!! The parents all cheer. COMMERCIAL BREAK #2 ACT II EXT. NEW YORK Establishing shot of the filthy, violent, rancid city that is New York. EXT. CARTOON CENTRAL - DAY Within the city, a mob is gathered out front of the towering skyscraper of Cartoon Central. Kyle's mother stands in front of the crowd with a bullhorn, addressing the crowd. KYLE'S MOTHER We are spreading the word to this establishment -- That we DEMAND better television for our children! The people cheer. KYLE'S MOTHER We want more QUALITY television like 'Full House'!! Several of the South Park residents, however, are waiting in line for one of the two port-o-pottys. STAN'S FATHER Ooh, I think you gave me the stomach flu, Mr. Garrison. MR. GARRISON No, no, it was that little Kenny bastard that gave it to me. Mayor McDaniels steps out. STAN'S DAD Whoa, Mayor, you making gravy in there? MAYOR MCDANIELS I just had a brown baby boy! They all laugh, in spite of themselves. INT. STAN'S HOUSE The boys are running around the house like crazy. Garbage and food is everywhere. KYLE Dude! This is SWEET not having any parents around! STAN Yeah! I hope they protest T.V. shows forever! The boys start jumping up and down on the sofa. STAN WHOOPEE!!!! GRANDPA Come here, Billy, I want to show you something... STAN Aw, do I have to? GRANDPA Yes you do you little pecker! Stan sighs and follows his grandfather. GRANDPA I realized that the reason you won't kill me, is because you don't understand how I feel, Billy. They walk to one of the bedroom doors. GRANDPA But I found out a way to show YOU what it feels like to be grandpa. INT. STAN'S HOUSE - GUEST BEDROOM Grandpa leads Stan into a little bedroom and closes the door, locking both himself and Stan inside. STAN Hey, what are you doing? Grandpa hits a switch, and the lights in the room go out. Stan tries to look around the dark room. Grandpa reaches down and puts a tape into a tape player. EXT. STAN'S HOUSE - HALLWAY The other boys have their ears pinned against the door. KYLE What are they doing in there? CARTMAN I don't know... INT. STAN'S HOUSE - GUEST BEDROOM GRANDPA Now, you're about to see what it's like to be as old as me. Are you ready Billy? STAN I guess. Grandpa flips the switch on the tape player. A slow ENYA Song begins to play. ENYA (Singing) Take a look, take a look... As the song continues, Stan is forced to just sit in the dark room and listen to it. Finally, Stan grabs the doorknob, but its locked. STAN Okay, you can let me out now. GRANDPA Not just yet. Grandpa turns the song up louder. Stan pulls on the door. STAN LET ME OUT, GRANDPA!! The song gets even louder still. STAN I can't take it anymore! This music is terrible!! It's cheesy but lame and eerily soothing at the same time!! GRANDPA THAT'S IT!!!! NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE GRANDPA!!!! EXT. STAN'S HOUSE - HALLWAY Grandpa opens the door. Stan falls out, looking terrible and beaten. Grandpa flips off the Enya music, and goes over to Stan. STAN Grandpa... I... I had no idea how bad it was for you... Now I understand... GRANDPA So now will you kill me, Billy? STAN Sure I will grandpa... I will. EXT. TOON CENTRAL The people of South Park are still gathered around South Park, only now, they have chained themselves to the building. STAN'S MOM It doesn't look like our protest is working. KYLE'S MOM It'll work... It has to... Suddenly, a well dressed businessman emerges from the doors of the building. KYLE'S MOM (CONT'D) Look! It's the president of the network!! JOHN WARSOG Ladies and gentlemen, my name is John Warsog. I have prepared a statement for you on behalf of the network... The people all stand up. Warsog puts on glasses and pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket. He clears his throat, and unfolds the piece of paper. Finally he begins to read. JOHN WARSOG 'Fuck you.' John folds the piece of paper and puts it back into his pocket. He takes off his glasses. JOHN WARSOG Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. If there are any questions, you may direct them to that brick wall over there. John walks back into the building. Kyle's mother is furious. KYLE'S MOTHER HEY, YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH THIS!!! John pauses to pull down his pants and moon the crowd, then continues on into the building. KYLE'S MOTHER THAT DOES IT! NO MORE MR. NICE PROTESTERS! It's time for PLAN B! CARTMAN'S MOM Oh Carol, where are the port-o- potties? KYLE'S MOTHER Over there hon. What, you need to drop some friends off at the pool? CARTMAN'S MOM Oh yes indeedy! The two women laugh, in spite of themselves. Cartman's mom runs to the toilet, slams the door, and shits up a storm. EXT. FOREST CLEARING - NIGHT Grandpa is sitting below a large tree. STAN Okay, grandpa, all you have to do is sit there. We'll do the rest. You got the cow all tied up? Kyle finishes putting a rope around a scared cow's waist. KYLE Yep, all done. STAN Kay, come on, guys. The boys all grab the rope, and start to hoist the cow up, using a branch above grandpa's head as a pully. CARTMAN Why don't we just shoot him? STAN You dumbass, Cartman! It has to look natural, or else we'll all get busted. KYLE Yeah, stupid. The boys pull on the rope and the cow gets hoisted up over grandpa. GRANDPA That's good, Billy... A little higher now... The cow dangles in the air. The boys wrap their end of the rope around the base of another tree. EXT. TOON CENTRAL - NIGHT Kyle's mother walks up to the news cameras and the microphones. KYLE'S MOTHER The network isn't taking us seriously. In the past, people have had to die for what they believed in, and we are prepared to do the same. Ready? The people near the sling shot all nod. KYLE'S MOTHER Mr. McKormick, you shall be a martyr to us all. God speed. KYLE'S MOTHER WE WILL NOT LET THESE CORPORATE HALFWITS RUIN OUR CHILDREN'S MINDS!! LAUNCH!!! The sling shot is cut, Mr. McKormick goes flying into the air and hits SPLAT!! into the side of the Toon Central building, dying instantly. The news people all gasp. KYLE'S MOTHER We will all follow suit! One by one if that's what it takes!! The line to the port-o-potties is getting longer. People moan with stomach aches. EXT. FOREST CLEARING - NIGHT The cow dangles dangerously above grandpa. The other end of the rope is tied around a tree. Stan holds a knife in his hand, ready to cut the rope, and send the cow on top of his grandfather. STAN Are you ready grandpa? GRANDPA Does the Pope crap in the woods? Stan is about to cut the rope when suddenly, a light flashes! The boys all look over at the road, where Officer Barbrady has pulled up in his patrol car. Barbrady studies the scene from his car, he looks at the cow, the grandpa below it, Stan with the knife in his hand... The boys' eyes all grow wide. A long time passes. BARBRADY ...Carry on. Barbrady drives away. The boys all sigh. STAN Okay, here we go... Bye Grandpa, it was nice knowing you. GRANDPA Cut the damn rope already! But now another FLASH!! This one is HUGE. The boys all reel back from its glow. KYLE Whoa, what is that?! When the smoke clears, the boys see a tall figure, dressed in black and carrying a sythe. STAN Whoa... It looks like... death! GRANDPA It's about time you late ass lazy son of a whore! Death looks down at Grandpa. GRANDPA Come on! Let's go! But death walks past grandpa and heads towards the boys. GRANDPA What the -- STAN Hey, he's coming towards US! CARTMAN Why is Death coming after us? But death relentlessly heads for the boys. The boys all scream and run. INT. STAN'S HOUSE The boys run inside. Death is just behind them. It makes a horrible sound. DEATH Mrrrrr... The boys all run up into Stan's room and slam the door shut. Death is just on the other side, pounding on the door. THE BOYS Help, run run run! CARTMAN What are we gonna do?! Stan looks over at his telephone. EXT. TOON CENTRAL - DAY REPORTER As the day progresses, more and more South Park residents continue to sling shot their bodies into the side of the Toon Central building. Behind him, an OLD LADY flies through the air and splats into the building. REPORTER Toon Central is under incredible pressure to cancel the show, and has already lost over 20 percent of their sponsors... Kyle's mother walks up to Stan's mother and hands her a cell phone. KYLE'S MOTHER Here, Carol, I think it's your boy. STAN'S MOTHER Oh, thanks. (Into the phone) What is it, Stanly hon? Did you break something? INT. STAN'S HOUSE STAN Mom, death is here and he's trying to take all of us away with him. The boys all look worriedly at the door which is still pounding and shaking. EXT. TOON CENTRAL STAN'S MOTHER Stanly honey, you need to leave Mommy alone, I'm doing something very very important for your little well-being there. STAN Yeah, but mom -- STAN'S MOTHER Here honey, talk to your father. Stan's dad gets on the phone. STAN'S FATHER Did you turn the heat down? STAN Dad, death is coming -- STAN'S FATHER Keep the thermostat under 70. Take care of your grandfather. Click. INT. STAN'S HOUSE Stan hangs up the phone. Death starts carving away at the door with his sicle. STAN Dammit! You know, I think that if parents would spend less time worrying about what their kids watch on T.V. and more time worrying about what's going on in their kids' lives, this world would be a much better place. KYLE Yes, I think that parents get only get so offended by television because they rely on it as a babysitter and the sole educator of their kids. KENNY Mph rmph rm rmph rm rmph mmm rmph mph mph rmp mm. KYLE Totally dude. STAN Good point man. Suddenly death BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR!!! STAN AAGH!! KYLE Quick! Jump out the window!! Just before Death can reach them, the boys jump out the window. COMMERCIAL BREAK 2 ACT III EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - NIGHT The boys run screaming down South Park avenue. Death pursues them on a tricycle. Grandpa is pursuing Death in his wheelchair. GRANDPA Come back here you pompass son of a panzy! Slowly, Death catches up to the boys, he stretches out his bony hand... STAN AAGH!! KYLE Don't let him touch you! You die if he touches you!! GRANDPA I'm over here you son of a whore! Death chases the boys past a TV shop, where dozens of TVs are on in the window. They are all playing Terrance and Phillip. ANGLE - TELEVISION Terrance and Phillip are floating through space with little space suits on. PHILLIP Oh Terrance... What color is the wind? Death looks intrigued. TERRANCE I don't know why don't you check -- Terrance turns his ass towards Phillip and farts. PHILLIP OH! YOU FARTED!! Death laughs loudly. He has to lay down his scythe to hold his stomach. TERRANCE Hey Phillip, you know what my space suit smells like? PHILLIP No, Terrance, why don't you tell me. TERRANCE Well, it smells like... A dirty fart! They laugh. Death laughs even harder. STAN Hey look! The boys stop running and notice that death is watching the show. Everybody gathers around the TV and watches. Laughing happily together. EXT. TOON CENTRAL The reporter is standing out front of the Toon Central building. REPORTER Hours have passed and still the die hard South Park parents are killing themselves in front of the Toon Central building one by one. Another person splats into the side of the building. REPORTER (CONT'D) Worse yet, the stomach flu that seems to be going around is... Wait, wait... I'm getting word that John Warsog, the president of the network is going to make a statement! Warsog again takes the stand, just as another MAN is about to be released from the sling shot. A look of relief crosses the man's face. JOHN WARSOG Ladies and Gentlemen, your Nazi-esque tactics of trying to stink us out with your rancid feces... has worked. The people look confused. The port-o-potties are indeed backed up. JOHN WARSOG Therefore, today we will officially be taking 'Terrance and Phillip' off the network, and replacing it with reruns of 'She's The Sheriff.' Starring Suzanne Summers. The people all rejoice and cheer. JOHN WARSOG Now get away from here and take your diarrhea with you! The townspeople all cheer and rejoice. The two guys at the sling shot accidentally let it go, and the man goes flying into the air and splats against the building. KYLE'S MOTHER Now at last we can return to normality! EXT. SOUTH PARK TV SHOP - NIGHT The boys and death are still happily watching Terrance and Phillip. TERRANCE Hey Phillip. PHILLIP Yes Terrance. TERRANCE Is there a penny stuck in my butt? PHILLIP I don't know Terrance, let me check... CARTMAN Oh, oh. Don't look there Phillip, you're going to get farted on!! Phillip moves his head towards Terrance's ass when suddenly FWOOP! A second of static and then the Toon Central logo. The boys and death look confused. NARRATOR We interrupt this program to bring you some loud static. Loud static fills the screen. Death goes absolutely ballistic. It lets out a horrible cry. DEATH MARRRR!!!!! And turns back on the boys. KYLE AAGH!! Death stretches out its skeleton hand and touches Kenny. Kenny immediately falls to the ground. KYLE Oh my God! They killed Kenny!! The boys stop and look at Kenny's motionless body. KYLE (To Death) You bastard!! STAN Wow, I guess Death was just coming after Kenny the whole time. Grandpa wheels himself up, panting. GRANDPA HEY! You were supposed to kill ME!! Death shakes its head. GRANDPA That's not fair, God Dammit! My grandpa asked me to kill him and I did it! Death says nothing, but points his boney finger to a glowing fog. STAN Whoa... In the glowing fog, another EXTREMELY OLDER man appears, floating above the ground. OLD OLD MAN Billy... GRANDPA Grandpa? OLD OLD MAN That's right, Billy. GRANDPA My name's not Billy, Grandpa! And what's wrong with you? Why do you look all haggard? OLD OLD MAN I asked you to kill me, Billy, but I was wrong... And now I am forced to spend eternity in limbo. GRANDPA Limbo? OLD OLD MAN I was wrong to put you in that position, Billy. Just like you're wrong to put little Billy in it now. You're so obsessed with ending your life, you're not thinking about what you're doing to his. Grandpa thinks. OLD OLD MAN You must wait to die of natural causes. GRANDPA But I've been waiting for twenty- five years! Let nature run its course, or else end up in limbo... The old old man starts to fade away. He, death and Kenny all float up to the sky. OLD OLD MAN Natural causes, Billy... Natural causes... STAN C'mon you guys, let's go home. Rats come and pull Kenny away. INT. STAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Stan's mom and dad walk in the door. Kyle's mom is with them. KYLE'S MOTHER Here they are! STAN'S DAD Well, we did it son! We have fought a battle for your well-being and won! STAN What do you mean? STAN'S MOM We got Terrance and Phillip taken off the air! The boys all look terribly disappointed. CARTMAN (To Kyle) You son of a bitch! Your mom sucks! KYLE'S MOTHER But look what they put on! Kyle's mother flips on the television. TELEVISION And now back to 'She's the Sheriff!'! The boys look horribly disappointed. CARTMAN NOOOOO!!!! GOD NOOOOOO!!!!! ANGLE - TELEVISION SUZANNE SUMMERS You were the one behind all these shenanigans! MALE ACTOR Yeah, well, you're the stupid ho that started it. KYLE'S MOTHER What did he say? SUZANNE SUMMERS Up yours, buttmunch! RESUME - LIVING ROOM The parents are all staring at the T.V. Kyle's mom is furious. KYLE'S MOTHER WHAT-WHAT-WHAAAT?!?! Kyle's mother picks her sign back up. KYLE'S MOTHER Come on everybody! Back to New York!! The parents all dash out the door. KYLE Hey Stan, now that Terrance and Phillip has been taken off the air, what are we going to do for entertainment? STAN I dunno... We could start breathing gas fumes... CARTMAN My uncle says that smoking crack is kinda cool... KYLE Hey! Why don't we go watch some of those porno movie thingies? STAN Cool! CARTMAN Yeah! Grandpa wheels out wearing tourist garb and holding pamphlets. STAN What are you doing grandpa? GRANDPA I'm planning a trip to Africa. Did you know over 400 people are eaten naturally by lions in Africa every year? STAN That's my silly grandpa! The boys all laugh and fart. THE END