South Park Episode 107 "PINKEYE" by Matt Stone, Trey Parker & Philip Stark EXT. OUTER SPACE A large metal object drifts slowly through space. TITLE: MIR SPACE STATION INT. MIR SPACE STATION A Russian cosmonaut floats around inside the cockpit. COSMONAUT #1 Vlad nyet chakesfski. Bordat comrade daboolschnet. SUBTITLES: "Propulsion systems stable. No problems with MIR." Suddenly, a green-faced monster with 6 eyes pops out from behind the control panel. MONSTER Graah!! COSMONAUT Aieeee! The monster removes its mask, revealing it is actually Cosmonaut #2. COSMONAUT #2 Porchat! Vlidit shtadecht! SUBTITLES: "Gotcha! Happy Halloween!" COSMONAUT Shtadt bodit but shtad! SUBTITLES: "You scared me you communist bastard!" A red light on the control panel starts to flash. Yet another cosmonaut floats into frame. COSMONAUT #1 Uh... Shtool. SUBTITLES: "OH....CRAP" COSMONAUT #2 Schtool. SUBTITLES: "Crap!" EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING The boys stand at the busstop. They say nothing, just stare forward and blink. Kyle sighs softly. Cartman sniffles. Then -- SMACK!! The MIR Space Station drops from the sky and crushes Kenny, killing him instantly. STAN OH MY GOD! They killed Kenny! KYLE You bastards!! CARTMAN What the hell is that thing? KYLE It looks like a UFO! CARTMAN There's no such thing as UFOs! Just then an ambulance pulls up. Two paramedics get out. The boys watch as the paramedics place Kenny's crushed body into a plastic body bag. PARAMEDIC Let's get him to the Morgue. They throw Kenny's body in the back, jump in the car and drive away. The boys stand there for several seconds, blinking. Then the school bus pulls up and they shuffle on. CARTMAN Hey, wait 'till you guys see my Halloween costume tomorrow! It kicks ass! KYLE Dude, it can't be cooler than mine! STAN Hey, man, we gotta get home and get our costumes ready! EXT. MORTUARY - NIGHT Clouds pass in front of the moon behind a creepy building ominously nestled between two large hills and surrounded by a huge graveyard. A large black bird swoops down and perches on a large sign which reads: "SOUTH PARK Mortuary". The bird lets out a shrill cry. Then it lets out a poop. INT. MORTUARY - NIGHT Kenny's dead body lies on an embalming table, surrounded by tubes and medical instruments. The MORTICIAN and his ASSISTANT stand nearby. On the wall behind them is a calendar which is marked off up till the day "OCTOBER 30". The Assistant sets the bottle down on a nearby shelf. The Mortician takes an IV needle and sticks it into Kenny. MORTICIAN (Sighing) You know... I think death is least funny when it happens to a child. ASSISTANT Oh Yeah, I know what you mean. The Assistant pours some Worchestershire sauce onto a corn dog and takes a bite. MORTICIAN Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything? ASSISTANT I don't know. It just makes everything taste so... English! MORTICIAN Well, let's let him drain. The Mortician and his Assistant leave the room. The syringe drains Kenny's blood into a bucket. CREEPY MUSIC starts up as we see another tube which runs embalming fluid into Kenny. We FOLLOW the tube up to a shelf, past a row of bottles, up to a vat labeled "EMBALMING FLUID". We MOVE UP to see that on the shelf above the vat sits the bottle of Worchestershire sauce. As the music gets LOUDER, the bottle starts to rock back and forth. Suddenly, it FALLS over and begins to pour out into the vat of embalming fluid! As the music reaches a CRESCENDO, Kenny's eyes pop open! EXT. MORTUARY - NIGHT The Mortician and his Assistant stand by the back door, smoking cigarettes. MORTICIAN So then the necrophiliac says, if this ain't a cadaver, then I... Kenny leaps onto the Mortician and clamps onto his head like a velociraptor. A short melee ensues as Kenny claws and bites both men and runs away. ASSISTANT (holding his head) God damn, that little turd bit me! MORTICIAN (clutching his arm) Me too! EXT. SOUTH PARK - EVENING As CREEPY MUSIC plays, Kenny's zombie silhouette walks down South Park avenue -- clouds drift in front of a bright, half moon. COMMERCIAL BREAK #1 EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING Kyle stands alone at the busstop, but we don't recognize him. He is wearing a strange, furry mask. Stan walks up dressed as Raggedy Andy. KYLE Ha ha! You look like a pansy! STAN Shut up, Kyle! KYLE What are you supposed to be? STAN I'm Raggedy Andy. KYLE (Laughing) Why the hell did you dress up like Raggedy Andy, dude?! STAN Wendy's going as Raggedy Anne. And she said this way we'd win the costume contest for sure. KYLE No way, dude. I'm gonna win the costume contest with this sweet Chewbacca costume! STAN Wendy said that first prize is two tons of candy! KYLE Wow, Cool! Just then Cartman walks up dressed as Hitler. CARTMAN Hey dudes. KYLE Cartman... What kind of costume is that? CARTMAN It's Adolph Hitler costume. SIEG HIEL!! SIEG HIEL!!! STAN Where'd you get that? CARTMAN My mom made it. Isn't it Cool? KYLE NO IT'S NOT COOL! CARTMAN What are you supposed to be, Stan? Howdy Doody? STAN No, I'm Raggedy Andy, fat ass! CARTMAN Oh. Wow, you look pretty cool. Long pause... Then Cartman and Kyle laugh loudly. KYLE Sissy STAN I'll kick your ass, Kyle! CARTMAN Oh look out! Holly Hobby is all pissed off!! Kenny walks up. One of his ribs juts out. Dark circles ring his eyes. He looks like a Zombie. KYLE Hey look, Kenny's not dead. Kenny slouches a little more. STAN You forgot to wear a costume Kenny. KYLE Yea, what's the matter? Couldn't your family afford a costume for you? STAN Yeah, why is your family so poor, Kenny. Kenny remains silent. CARTMAN Kenny's family is so poor, that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage. The boys laugh and wait for a smart ass comeback from Kenny, but Kenny just stands there. CARTMAN (Agitated) I said your family had to put a cardboard box up for a second mortgage!! Kenny!!! No response. CARTMAN I'm talking to you, Kenny! Achtung!! Poor piece of crap. The school bus pulls up. MS. CRABTREE Come on, we're running late! STAN Ah, we're ALWAYS running late you ugly skank. MS. CRABTREE WHAT DID YOU SAY? STAN I said I can't wait to own a fishing tank. MS. CRABTREE Oh... neither can I. INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY The Mortician and his Assistant sit on a little hospital bed. The DOCTOR uses his stethoscope on their chests. The Assistant moans softly. DOCTOR Very interesting... MORTICIAN What is it Doc? The Doctor takes the stethoscope out of his ears. DOCTOR Well, your temperature is only 55 degrees, you have no pulse, no heartbeat, and your eyes are all puffy and sticky. MORTICIAN Oh, no. You mean... DOCTOR Yea, I'm afraid the two of you have pink eye. The Mortician and his Assistant gasp. DOCTOR I'd give you topical medicine but I don't want to touch you. ASSISTANT Oh I'm so hungry and all I can think about eating is is... BRAINS! DOCTOR Yeah, well, for God's sake don't touch your eyes. I'll prescribe some antibiotics. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY The boys walk into the classroom. KYLE Just wait till everyone sees my sweet Chewbacca costume! They're gonna be so jealous -- The boys walk in and see: The entire class is dressed up like Chewbacca. STAN Whoa dude! KYLE (Incredulous) EVERYONE came as Chewbacca? MR. GARRISON (O.S.) It sure does seem to be a popular costume this year Kyle. The boys turn to see MR. GARRISON dressed up like MARILYN MONROE. He lifts up his hands to reveal MR. HAT, who is dressed as Chewbacca. MR. HAT (WOOKIE GROWL) Kyle removes his mask and throws it down. KYLE Dammit! STAN Wendy? The Chewbacca next to Stan takes off it's mask to reveal that it's WENDY. WENDY Hi Stan. STAN You said we were going to be Raggedy Anne and Andy, remember? WENDY Yeah. STAN We were going to enter the costume contest as a pair! WENDY I know, but then... I guess I just realized how stupid we would look. Stan blinks. STAN You WHAT?!! WENDY I thought you would reach the same conclusion, so I came as Chewbacca. Stan slams his head down on his desk. KID #1 Hey Stan, you look almost pretty enough to kiss. KID #2 Yeah, you want to be my girlfrind? CARTMAN You see? All of a sudden my costume is pretty bad ass, huh? KYLE Dude, dressing up like Hitler is NOT bad ass! CARTMAN You're just jealous. Why don't you go back to Endor, you stupid Wookie! KYLE Wookies don't live on Endor! CARTMAN (Mimicing him) Mama ma mi mo momo! KYLE At least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore Magazine! CARTMAN What? What did you say?! MR. GARRISON Okay now, all you little Chewbaccas take your seats. The boys sit down. MR. GARRISON Children, since today is Halloween, I thought we should learn something about the great horror writer Jackie Collins. You see, when Jackie Collins first wrote her novel.. Kenny's arm falls off and hits the floor. WENDY Ew! MR. GARRISON Is there a problem Kenny? Let's try to keep our hands and arms to ourselves, okay? KYLE I'm never going to win that 2 tons of candy looking like everyone else! EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY Ms. Cartman decorates the exterior of the house with Halloween paraphernalia. It is already covered with plastic pumpkins, skeletons, witches, vampires, graphic scenes from car crashes and photos of mutilated bodies. She hums happily as she hangs a photo of President Nixon. MS. CARTMAN Oh, I'm gonna decorate the house for Halloween, With scary ghosts and bats and creepy crawly things. Just then the Mortician and his Assistant walk by, looking completely Zombified. MS. CARTMAN Hello there! Happy Halloween! MORTICIAN Must... eat... brains... brains... Another Townsperson walks past them and bumps into the Mortician. The Mortician and his Assistant immediately rip into the Townsperson and gnaw on his head. The Townsperson SCREAMS like a banshee. Ms. Cartman continues to decorate, singing to herself happily. MS. CARTMAN (Singing) It's the most wonderful time of the year... INT. CAFETERIA - DAY The boys eat lunch. KYLE I'm gonna make a new costume during recess. I can STILL win that candy! CARTMAN Hey Kenny, are you gonna eat your pudding? Kenny sits there slumped over. CARTMAN (in a different voice) No, Eric, go ahead and take my pudding if you like. (normal voice) Why thank you, Kenny, how nice of you! Cartman takes Kenny's pudding. KYLE Aren't you hungry Kenny? STAN He hasn't moved an inch or said anything. CHEF approaches wearing a red white and blue jumpsuit. CHEF Hello children! BOYS Hey Chef. Chef stops when he sees Cartman's costume. CHEF What in the hell are you doing dressed up like that? CARTMAN (mouth full) Eating Kenny's pudding. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA approaches. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Hello there, children. Oh, love the Elvis costume, Chef. CHEF Elvis? I'm Evil Knieval! Why the hell would I dress up like Elvis? PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Why the hell would you dress up like Evil Knieval? Anyway, I hope that you kids are -- She stops when she sees Cartman's costume. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA AAAGH!! Eric! God bless it. What do you think you're doing? CARTMAN Hey, he SAID I could have his pudding! Ask him yourself! Kenny drools. CARTMAN (in a different voice) That's right Principal Victoria, it's okay with me 'cause Eric is cool. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Where did you get that costume young man? CARTMAN My mom made it. (loudly) SEIG HIEL!! SEIG HIEL!! PRINCIPAL VICTORIA SHUSH!! (Panicking) Oh, God bless America. You get into my office before anyone else sees you! I have to show you an educational video! She drags Cartman away from the table. He squeals like a hungry pig. CARTMAN Squueeee!! I don't want to see an educational video. Kenny leans over and bites into Clyde's arm -- CHOMP! Clyde SCREAMS in agony. CLYDE OWWW! You bit my arm. STAN Oh Good! Kenny's back to normal! INT. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA'S OFFICE - DAY Cartman sits in a tiny chair opposite the Principal's desk, watching a video monitor. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Watch the video Eric. NARRATOR Adolf Hitler was a very, very naughty man. The image on the TV becomes one of those famous shots from WW2 footage of Hitler addressing a mass of Nazis. HITLER Sfinen! Loobin der Bruce Leeben! Ala mencian verden brooder! Tauchter aus elisium! Ala mention vereden brooder vaus de modem stragal tout! Cartman's smile grows. He seems impressed and intrigued. He looks closely at the screen, but now the image of Hitler has been replaced by Cartman on the stage. CARTMAN Juden est forbideen! Est una scrava uts cafiga hoda!! HITLER Juden est forbideen! goddamit! Now a little Smokey Bear type creature steps in front of the camera. SMOKEY BEAR So remember kids, dressing up like Hitler in school isn't cool. These words appear across the screen as Smokey Bear says them. Principal Victoria shuts the TV off. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Now, do you have any questions? CARTMAN Can I see that again? That was cool! PRINCIPAL VICTORIA You must remove that costume immediately! CARTMAN I can't, I have to win those two tons of candy. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Well how about we make you a new costume? Let's see now... She looks around the office and spots a white sheet on a shelf. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Aha! Though of something. How about we make you a nice scary ghost costume? CARTMAN (whiny) I don't wanna be a stupid scary ghost! ANGLE ON: Principal Victoria, as she throws the sheet over Cartman and starts SNIPPING away with a pair of scissors. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA (as she works) And lemme just make a few quickie alterations and... there you go young man! FULL SHOT OF CARTMAN, WHO NOW LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE KLANSMAN IN HIS WHITE ROBE AND HOOD. EXT. SOUTH PARK The Mortican Zombie and his Assistant Zombie-walk down the street. They come across a pair of Joggers. JOGGER #1 Ooh, looks like they got a touch of that pink eye that's going around... The Zombies attack the joggers. The Joggers SCREAM horrifically. INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY The gym is decorated for Halloween. A large banner reads 'Costume Contest!'. The Chewbacca children all stand in line. At the end are KKK Cartman, Stan (still as Raggedy Andy) and Zombie Kenny. CARTMAN Boo! I'm a ghost! STAN Oh man, I feel like a total chode. CARTMAN Oh c'mon Stan. Maybe that's just because you LOOK like a total chode. CHEF Hello, children. CARTMAN Hey Chef. Chef turns around and JUMPS when he sees Cartman. CHEF AHH!! Chef runs away. CARTMAN Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts huh! STAN Hey, where's Kyle? Just then, the gym doors fly open and Kyle walks in wearing a HUGE solar system costume. KYLE Check THIS out! STAN Whoa, dude! CARTMAN What is that? KYLE I'm the whole solar system!! The planets even all revolve the right way! That tub of candy is as good as mine! Mr. Garrison tweets on a little whistle. MR. GARRISON Okay children, let's get you lined up so the judge can get a good look at your stupid little costumes. The kids line up. MR. GARRISON Children, this year we have a celebrity judge. The star of 'Family Ties'... Miss Tina Yothers! Tina Yothers prances out on stage. The kids are unimpressed. CARTMAN Who? KYLE Dude, I thought she was dead. STAN Yea, me too. Tina Yothers approaches Mr. Garrison and hands him an envelope. MR. GARRISON Thank you, Miss Yothers. Mr. Garrison opens the envelope. MR. GARRISON Okay, The Second Place award for best costume goes to... Kenny, for his Edward James Olmos costume! Tina Yothers pins a red ribbon on Kenny. He drools. MR. GARRISON And the award for the Very Best Costume goes to.... Kyle's eyes widen. MR. GARRISON WENDY! For her Chewbacca costume! Wendy walks past all the other identical Chewbaccas and receives the blue ribbon. KYLE WHAT?! But she looks just like everybody else! Wendy receives her two tons of candy. KYLE Up yours Tina Yothers!!!! MR. GARRISON And the award for the WORST costume this year goes to... STAN for his stupid little clown thing costume. Let's all point at Stan and laugh children. Everybody points and laughs at Stan. Wendy stands next to Stan. STAN (muttering) Thanks a lot, Wendy. You RUINED my Halloween! WENDY Relax Stan, You'll feel better once we're out trick or treating. Stan can't believe it. He looks bitch-slapped. STAN I don't want to trick or treat with you! You lied to me!! MR. GARRISON Okay, children let's all gather around and bob for stupid apples now. The kids gather around a large barrel of water. MR. GARRISON You go first bebe... Bebe steps up and dunks her head in the water. MR. GARRISON That's good, just use those mouth muscles like the girls in Beijing. Just then, a little zombie Clyde steps up next to zombie Kenny. CLYDE Brains... Clyde dunks his head in after Bebe's head. Bebe screams in pain. MR. GARRISON Wait your turn, Clyde!! EXT. CHEF'S HOUSE - DUSK Chef walk up to his house with a bag of groceries under his arm. He pulls out his keys, when suddenly -- BAM!! A townsperson, JOHNSON, throws himself against the door. He is a Zombie. JOHNSON ARRGGHH!!! CHEF AGH!! Chef drops his groceries. CHEF Damn, Johnson, what the hell's gotten into you? JOHNSON Piiinnnkkk... eyyeee... Johnson lunges at Chef. Chef dodges and unlocks the front door. CHEF Get the hell out of here, Johnson! I don't want no God damn pink eye! Chef goes inside and slams the door shut. INT. CHEF'S HOUSE - A LITTLE LATER Chef sits in front of the TV, squeezing one of those handmuscle things. ANGLE: TELEVISION ANCHORMAN ...and the President responded to the incident by saying, quote, "Screw those commie bastards, and screw their little wussy space station". The Anchorman turns to another camera. ANCHORMAN In other news, a pink eye epidemic is now sweeping the town of South Park. Here with a live report is a midget wearing a bikini. A midget wearing a bikini stands in front of South Park avenue. REPORTER Thanks, Tom. Already more than half of the townspeople here in South Park have been infected with the pink eye virus. CUT TO: Footage of townspeople walking around lik Zombies, arms outstretched, attacking people and eating their brains. REPORTER Symptoms include a complete loss of heart functions, blood pressure, lung activity, and of course, sticky, puffy eyes. Chef puts down the remote control. CHEF Pink eye my ass! I've seen this kind of thing before... EXT. SOUTH PARK - NIGHT Stan and Cartman stand on the sidewalk, ready to trick or treat. CARTMAN Where the hell is Kyle? We don't have all night to wait for him! STAN I bet I get more candy than you, dude. CARTMAN Are you crazy? I'm the Candy Master! STAN No no, you're the ASS Master. There's a difference. CARTMAN Hey, I'm not the one who walked around all day looking like Pippi Longstockings! STAN Oh yeah?! Well, at least MY mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore Magazine!! CARTMAN God Dammit! My mom is NOT on the cover of Crack whore magazine!!! Kyle walks in dressed as a little vampire. KYLE Hey dudes. STAN Oh good you're here. Now, let's make sure we've got everything. Flashlight? CARTMAN Check. STAN Plastic pumpkin pails? KYLE Check. STAN Tazer? KYLE What's that? STAN For shocking people who try to give us granola treats or something. CARTMAN Yeah, granola pisses me off! Kenny approaches, looking completely Zombified. STAN & KYLE Hey Kenny. CARTMAN Whew! You stink, Kenny! The boys consider him for a moment. KYLE You STILL didn't get a costume, Kenny? Kenny doesn't respond. CARTMAN Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire! Kenny doesn't respond. CARTMAN I said YOUR DAD WOULD BE A MILLIONAIRE!! KENNY!!! Kenny your family is poor!! Kenny your family's poor!!! No response. CARTMAN (To Stan) I don't like Kenny anymore. He just doesn't communicate. The boys start to walk away. Just then, Wendy shows up. WENDY Hi guys. CARTMAN Hi Wendy. STAN (Sarcastic) How's your barrel full of candy, Wendy? WENDY Oh, I didn't want all that sweet stuff. I gave it away to hungry children in Narobi. CARTMAN YOU WHAT?! ARE YOU INSANE?! WENDY Let's go trick or treats! STAN I don't think so, Wendy. I think you've had enough candy for one day! WENDY Stan, I'm awful sorry you got dressed up like Raggedy Andy. Please don't be mad. CARTMAN How can he be mad with such pretty hair and rosy cheeks? STAN Trick or treat with yourself, Wendy! WENDY But Stan. STAN No buts Wendy, I wish you were dead! The boys walk away. Wendy looks sad. She stands there alone, when suddenly a shadow looms over her. Wendy turns around and screams. WENDY AAAGGHHH!!!! INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT Chef rushes into the office, where the Doctor is examining a patient. CHEF Doctor! DOCTOR Why hello Chef. Let me guess -- pink eye, right? CHEF No, Doctor! I've seen this type of thing before... Chef pulls the Doctor aside. CHEF This ain't no pink eye... It's THE LIVING DEAD! DOCTOR What the hell are you talking about? CHEF Think about it! Dead people getting up and walking around... and Tina Yothers comes to town! Coincidence? Oh I don't think so! DOCTOR Chef, I think maybe the pink eye has made you a little delirious. Let me give you some topical cream -- CHEF Damnit! Don't you see? These people have been Zombified! They got no heartbeat, no feeling... I'll show you. Chef goes over to the patient and rips off his arm. Blood spews everywhere as the patient SCREAMS in agony. DOCTOR Uh Mr. Torres was here for a routine checkup, Chef. Mr. Torres collapses to the ground. CHEF Oh. Sorry. But my point is that topical cream ain't gonna fix what's wrong here! DOCTOR Hey... Hey now, there have been a lot of incredible advances in topical creams over the last few years! The patient passes out from loss of blood. CHEF Doctor, who was the first person to come in here with the sickness? DOCTOR Well, it was the Mortician and his assistant at the Morgue yea. Just then four Zombies burst into the office!! CHEF AAGHHH!!!! Chef jumps out the window and escapes. DOCTOR Now now, fellas, let's form a line. I've got enough topical cream for everybody! The Zombies attack the doctor, who SCREAMS out in pain. EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT The boys stand on the front porch. The door opens revealing an older lady. BOYS Trick or Treat! Kenny's other arm falls off. LADY Oh, how cute! The lady takes a handful of candy and starts to put it in Cartman's bag -- Suddenly, Kenny lashes out and bites the woman's arm almost in half. LADY AAIIIEEE!! STAN Dude, Kenny! Blood spews everywhere. LADY OH MY GOD! She slams the door shut. From inside we hear hear muffled screams. LADY (O.S.) CALL 911! CALL 911!! CALL 911! CALL 911!! CARTMAN Oh nice going, Kenny! She was about to give us the candy! STAN Yeah! She had Sweetie Pops! Cartman slaps him in the head. CARTMAN You owe me a Sweetie Pop, asshole! INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT Chef bursts into the office. CHEF Mayor, we've got a BIG problem -- Barbrady stands in front of the desk in women's underwear. The Mayor pops up from behind her desk. MAYOR Why... Why Chef, what a surprise! OFFICER BARBRADY You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on. CHEF Actually, I... MAYOR Well, I can assure you that it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the Japanese Mafia OFFICER BARBRADY Not a thingy dingy. CHEF I don't really give a crap. We've got to do something about THE LIVING DEAD! MAYOR You mean Tina Yothers? The Mayor and Officer Barbrady LAUGH hysterically. CHEF No, dammit! I'm talking about the Zombies that have taken over South Park! OFFICER BARBRADY Well, Evil Knieval, why don't you jump over them with your rocket cycle? The Mayor and Officer Barbrady laugh even harder. CHEF Aw, to hell with you both! Chef leaves, slamming the door behind him. The Mayor and Officer Barbrady laugh for a moment more, then stop abruptly. MAYOR Well, let's get back to it. OFFICER BARBRADY Righteeo. EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE - NIGHT The front door opens revealing an obese man. BOYS Trick or Treat! The man holds out some candy. MAN Hope you kids like chocolate peanut butter cream puffies -- Kenny JUMPS onto the man's back and SLASHES at his face. The man tries unsuccessfully to pull him off. MAN AAGH! GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF ME!!! Kenny rides the man as he spins around and COLLAPSES. The boys look on with blank expressions. Kenny bites into the man's skull and digs into his brains. CARTMAN (pissed) Dammit! We'll never get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people! STAN Yeah! That's it, Kenny! You can't trick or treat with us anymore! The boys leave Kenny eating the man's brains. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - NIGHT The boys walk down the street. Behind them, several zombies tear down a house, we HEAR screaming coming from inside. EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE - NIGHT Kyle rings the doorbell. The door opens to reveal a huge man in a KKK robe. Behind him stand several other Klansmen. The Klansmen look down at Cartman in his KKK costume. KIDS Trick or Treat. CARTMAN Hey... They're all dressed up like ghosts too! The Klansman throws something into Cartman's pumpkin pail and slams the door. Cartman pulls it out and looks at it. CARTMAN ONE Tootie bar?! You cheap bastards! EXT. CHEF'S HOUSE - NIGHT The boys stand at the front door of Chef's house. Stan rings the doorbell. ANGLE ON: The boys, as the door opens. BOYS Trick or -- The boys SCREAM as they see: Chef burst out at them, wielding two chainsaws. CHEF GET OFF MY PROPERTY YOU BRAIN EATIN' ZOMBIE BASTARDS!! BOYS AHHH! CHEF!! NO!!!! Chef realizes that the boys look normal. CHEF Oh, sorry children, I thought you were one of them! CARTMAN Can we have candy now, please? Chef frowns when he sees Cartman. CHEF Dammit boy, what the hell are you doing dressed up like that? CARTMAN I'm TRYING to trick or treat God Dammit!! CHEF Remind me to whup your ass good next time I see you. Now get in here before those Zombies get you! INT. CHEF'S HOUSE - NIGHT The boys sit on the couch while Chef talks to them. STAN What are you talking about Chef? CHEF Zombies, children! South Park is overrun with THE LIVING DEAD! Haven't you noticed anything strange lately? KYLE Well, not really, except that Kenny keeps eating peoples' brains... CHEF Don't you children see? Kenny's turned into a zombie, along with everyone else in town! STAN (realizing) Oh my God! That means... KYLE (also realizing) ...if everyone has been turned into Zombies... CARTMAN (having an epiphany) ...then there won't be anyone to give US CANDY!!!!!!!!! All the boys gasp at the same time. CARTMAN AAHHHH! KYLE Chef! You've got to help us! CHEF I'm working on it, children. Chef throws a bunch of chainsaws and other assorted weapons into a duffel bag. STAN Wait, where are we going? CHEF The Doctor said the first people he treated were the Mortician and his Assistant. Now, I've got a hunch we'll get to the bottom of this at... THE MORGUE! The children sit on the couch frightened until Cartman farts. CARTMAN It was Kyle. COMMERCIAL BREAK #2 EXT. MORTUARY - NIGHT Chef, clutching the duffel bag, leads the children up the path to the Mortuary. STAN I don't know about this, Chef. KYLE Yeah. I'm scared. CARTMAN Remember candy. Focus on the candy. INT. MORTUARY - NIGHT Chef and the boys look around the room. STAN What are we doing here, Chef? CHEF Just look for anything suspicious. Everybody looks around. KYLE I found it!! I found it!!! Kyle pulls out a porno magazine. Bold letters on the cover read: "CRACK WHORE MAGAZINE". On the cover is Cartman's mom, posing in lingerie with a glass pipe in one hand and a butane torch in the other. STAN What? KYLE See Cartman?! Your mom IS on the cover! Cartman's eyes bug out. STAN We TOLD you, dude!! CHEF (grabbing magazine) You better let me take that, Kyle. STAN Hey Chef, look! Chef comes over to Stan, who stands by the embalming table. ANGLE ON: The plastic tubing. We FOLLOW it up onto the shelf, past the row of bottles, up to the vat of embalming fluid, then up to the empty bottle of Worchestershire sauce. Chef grabs the empty bottle and reads the label. It says: "WARNING: NOT TO BE USED AS EMBALMING FLUID. EMERGENCY HOTLINE: 1-800-382-5633" CHEF Uh oh... We gotta call this hotline number children!! Just then, a window CRASHES open!! It is ZOMBIE PIP!! PIP PIIIINK EYYYEEE... PIIIINK EYYYEEE... CARTMAN It's the British kid!! He's a little limy zombie now!! Several other windows crash in. A horde of zombies is breaking into the room!! STAN AAAGH!!! CHEF LOOK OUT, CHILDREN!!! The zombies come at Stan and Kyle. Stan grabs a baseball bat and smashes their heads in. (FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT) STAN Okay, Chef, dial the hotline number!! Silence... STAN Chef? WHIP PAN around the room and STOP on Chef -- who looks just like Michael Jackson in 'Thriller'. KYLE Chef!! Chef starts dancing and getting funky with the zombies. CHEF (Singing) I'm gonna make love, even when I'm dead. My body might get cold, but it's always hot in my bed! Make love, don't you be afraid. Just because my heart ain't beating don't mean you wont get laid. STAN Let's get outta here!! The boys run away. CHEF Ooooohhhh! EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT The boys gulp nervously, look at each other, then SCREAM and run away from the Zombies, who give chase. STAN We gotta call that Worchestershire hotline! CARTMAN Hey! There's a payphone!! The boys stop at a little payphone. Stan hands Kyle the bottle. STAN You call the number, Kyle! KYLE But the zombies are coming! STAN We'll hold 'em off!! Stan and Cartman grab their weapons and head towards the zombies. Kyle dials the number and An AUTOMATED VOICE comes on. AUTOMATED VOICE (English accent) Welcome to the Worchestershire sauce customer service hotline! For Worchestershire sauce recipes please press 1 followed by the pound sign. For Worchestershire sauce product placement please press 2. If Worchestershire sauce has been used as embalming please press -- BEEP!! Kyle quickly presses 3. EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT CARTMAN Nobody screws up my Trick or Treats and gets away with it. An EPIC battles rages. Stan and Cartman stand together as the Zombies come at them. Cartman cuts off both arms and the head of a Zombie. CARTMAN Yeah cool! Stan cuts off the heads of two Zombies in one fell swoop. STAN Sweet! We see a MONTAGE of Zombies getting beheaded from all different angles. The chainsaws WHIR hellishly as Cartman and Stan are sprayed with purple blood and bits of gore. INT. MORTUARY ANGLE ON: A photograph of three lovely ladies fondling each other on a king-sized bed. Zombie Chef sits at the table, quietly flipping through the porno mag. EXT. PAY PHONE - CONTINUOUS ANNOYING HOLD MUSIC plays. After a moment, a voice. OPERATOR (O.S.) (English accent) Worchestershire sauce emergency hotline, this call might be monitored to ensure you the highest quality service, how may I help you? KYLE There's a bunch a zombies here!! OPERATOR (O.S.) Please hold. The HOLD MUSIC starts up again. EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT Cartman slams his chainsaw into the gut of a Zombie and lifts him up off the ground, the chainsaw WHIRRING. Stan finishes decapitating another Zombie, then turns to see: Zombie Wendy! STAN Wendy? CARTMAN Finish her, dude! She's a Zombie now! STAN I know, but... but CARTMAN Come on, Stan! Remember how she dissed you at the costume contest! STAN Hey yeah... Wendy slowly advances on Stan. INT. WORCHESTERSHIRE HQ - NIGHT OPERATOR With the regular sauce, the first thing you need to do is make sure that you DO NOT just go out and start decapitating Zombies left and right, do you understand? DO NOT start decapitating Zombies left and right! EXT. PAY PHONE - CONTINUOUS Kyle looks out and sees Stan and Cartman killing Zombies left and right. KYLE Uh... okay. Then what? EXT. CEMETERY Zombie Wendy continues to advance on Stan. STAN Wendy! I know we had a fight, and I did wish that you were dead, but I didn't mean it! Zombie Wendy pauses for a moment, but then continues towards Stan. CARTMAN Kill her, Stan!! INT. WORCHESTERSHIRE HQ OPERATOR All you have to do is kill the original Zombie, the one that started the whole mess. Once you kill the original Zombie all the other Zombies will turn back to normal. EXT. PAY PHONE - CONTINUOUS KYLE Original Zombie? Well, how the hell do we know who the original Zombie is? OPERATOR We realize you have a choice in Worchestershire sauces. We are delighted that... Kyle hangs up the phone. KYLE Wait a minute... That thing landed on Kenny... And they took HIM to the mortuary... EXT. CEMETERY STAN I... I can't! Everyone stops and watches as Kyle runs up with his mule chainsaw. He approaches Kenny and SLAMS the chainsaw down on top of his head. He pushes down until the chainsaw gets caught in Kenny's neck. GRUNTING, Chef pushes harder, until the saw goes clear down to Kenny's feet, cutting him in half. Immediately Wendy turns back to normal and collapses into Stan's arms. KYLE Oh my god I killed Kenny! You bastard!! WENDY (groggy) Oh. What happened... Stan? STAN Don't worry, babe. Everything's gonna be okay. KYLE It's working! They're turning back to normal! SFX: CHEESY MAGIC-WAND SOUND as the many Zombie corpses all over the place lose their Zombie features and turn into regular corpses. CHEF You did it, children! Everyone cheers. CARTMAN Okay let's go trick or treating now come on! WENDY I'm sorry I dissed you at school like that, Stan. I guess I just wasn't very considerate of your feelings. STAN That's okay, Wendy. I'm sorry I wished you were dead. They smile, gazing into each other's eyes. WENDY Maybe we could... Actually kiss tonight Stan... They lean forward and are about to kiss when Stan VOMITS on Wendy. WENDY Eww! Gross Stan, Sick!! Barf is gross. Wendy steps through the rotting corpses to run away. COMMERCIAL BREAK #3 EXT. CEMETERY - DAY Stan, Kyle and Cartman, in normal clothes, are standing in front of a tombstone. STAN Oh, man... I can't believe he's gone... The small grave reads 'Kenny McCormick' and then 'Sleep well, little child, the Lord holds thee now'. KYLE Yeah... He was too young to be taken from us!! STAN Dude, you're the one who cut him in half with a chainsaw. Cartman pulls out a small Kleenex and wipes his eyes. CARTMAN Let us remember the good times... Kenny would have wanted it that way. Cartman chokes himself up saying this. He really starts to weep. Kyle puts his arm around him. All the boys appear to be sobbing. But then, suddenly, Cartman pops out of it. STAN You know I've really learned something today... Halloween isn't about costumes or candy... It's about being good to one another and giving and loving. KYLE No, dude, that's Christmas. STAN Oh... Then what's Halloween about? KYLE Costumes and candy. STAN Oh. CARTMAN (Suddenly fine) Well, let's get home and start eating candy. The boys smile and start to walk away. KYLE We can eat it at Cartman's house and see more naughty pictures of his mom! CARTMAN Knock it off, you guys!! She said she was young and she needed the money!! STAN (Off-screen) Cartman! The pictures were taken like last month!! CARTMAN (Off-screen) Screw you guys!! The boys fully exit frame, and we are left alone in the graveyard. The camera TILTS DOWN to Kenny's grave... Suddenly a brown gloved hand BURSTS through the ground!!! As Horrific MUSIC plays, Kenny slowly pulls himself out of his grave!!! Finally, the music reaches a CRESCENDO as Kenny stands above his grave and gives out a muted cry!! PULL BACK Just then, a large statue from the grave next-door falls on top of Kenny, killing him instantly. Music ends, all is silent... After a few seconds, a small plane crashes on top of that... As if that were necessary. THE END