South Park Episode 109 "STARVIN MARVIN" by Trey Parker EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Establishing. INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT The boys are all gathered on Cartman's couch watching television. They are all laughing. STAN That was awesome!! KYLE Yeah! Cartman's mother steps in front of the T.V. MS. CARTMAN Would you boys like some cheesy poofs? CARTMAN (Pissed) Get out of the way, mom! The Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving special is on!! MS. CARTMAN (Walking away) Sure hon. CARTMAN (Calling after her) And yeah we want cheesy poofs!! ANGLE - TELEVISION EXT. PLYMOUTH - DAY Terrance and Phillip, wearing pilgrim hats, stand in front of a boat. PHILLIP Hey Terrance, looks like this might be a good place to start a new colony. TERRANCE It sure does Phillip. Nobody will oppress our religion here! Terrance farts loudly on Phillip. PHILLIP OH!! YOU STAINED MY PILGRIM HAT, BUTT PIPE! INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT The boys all laugh merrily, now surrounded by bags of cheesy poofs. CARTMAN Did you guys see that?! That was sweet! ANGLE - TELEVISION NARRATOR Coming up next on The Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special, Phillip farts on Terrance and laughs! KYLE Oh, Cool! ANGLE - TELEVISION NARRATOR And now a word from our sponsor. A commercial begins. An image of desolate, barren land. FEMALE VOICE (Voice over) Here in the heart of Africa, children are dying. Not from disease or war... but from hunger. An image of starving kids with flies all around them. FEMALE VOICE I'm Sally Struthers... Sally steps in front of the camera; a big, fat pig. SALLY STRUTHERS These children are in desperate need, and only you can help. STAN Hey, who's that fat chick? KYLE Sally Struthers, dude. She used to be on Full House. STAN Oh. ANGLE - TELEVISION SALLY STRUTHERS You see, here in the middle of Africa, food is extremely scarce -- STAN Doesn't look like she's having any trouble finding food. KYLE Yeah, she's fatter than Cartman. CARTMAN Yeah. ...Hey! ANGLE - TELEVISION SALLY STRUTHERS For just five dollars a month, you can sponsor a child. CARTMAN That's stupid. Who the hell would want to do that? SALLY STRUTHERS Sponsor now, and we'll also send you this Taiko Digital Sports watch as a free gift. CARTMAN KICK ASS!! STAN Sweet!! The boys all rush to the phone. STAN I'll call! I know my mom's credit card number!! Stan dials the number. KYLE Did they say if its water-proof? STAN Hello? Is this Sally Struthers? (Pause) Oh... KYLE What'd she say? STAN Shut up, butt pirate, I'm trying to hear! KYLE Ass rammer. STAN (Into phone) Yes... Yeah, we want to adopt a starving Etheropian. CARTMAN When do we get the sports watch? STAN JUST A SECOND, FAT ASS!! CARTMAN You vas diferens! STAN (Into the phone) Hello? No, it's a mastercard... Stan suddenly stops and puts the phone down. STAN (To Cartman) Vas diferens?! The boys all look at Cartman, who just shrugs. KENNY Mph rmph rm rpmh. STAN Oh. KYLE Ask her if we get the watch right away! STAN (Back to the phone) Do we get the sports watch right away? (to the other boys) She says we do. BOYS Coooool. CARTMAN I get to wear it first you guys!! EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY Establishing. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY The class is decorated with Thanksgiving garb. The boys are ancy in their seats. KYLE I can't wait to get out of school and get our Taiko Sports watch! CARTMAN Yeah, but I get to wear it first. I said!! Mr. Garrison steps in front of the class. MR. GARRISON Children, children, to honor this special time of year, we'll be doing a canned food drive. Does anybody know what a canned food drive is? Cartman raises his hand. MR. GARRISON Yes, Eric? CARTMAN When they cut up a chick's stomach to get a baby out? MR. GARRISON ...No, that's a Caesarian section, Eric... But that's okay. Remember there are no stupid questions, just stupid people. Cartman thinks. MR. GARRISON A canned food drive is when we collect canned food for poor people who can't afford to eat on Thanksgiving. STAN (Pointing) You mean like Kenny? MR. GARRISON Exactly. CARTMAN (Raising his hand) Mr. Garrison, why do poor people always smell like sour milk? Garrison sighs and rolls his eyes. MR. GARRISON I don't know, Eric, they just do. Kyle leans over and smells Kenny. MR. GARRISON Now children, I want each of you to bring in ONE CAN of food, and later the Mayor of South Park will divide it up amongst Kenny's family and other poor people. CARTMAN I'm not bringing in food for poor people. Screw them! WENDY Don't you want to help those who are less fortunate? CARTMAN Hey you guys, do you hear something? I think I hear the flower children calling. WENDY This is the one time of year you're supposed to care about people who can't eat. CARTMAN Isn't it enough that I pay taxes?! What about the poor houses that I pay for?! WENDY Many would rather die than go to those places! CARTMAN Well then perhaps they should, and decrease the surplus population! MR. GARRISON Okay, kids, that's enough Dickens for one day. Let's get on with our lesson. Right Mr. Hat? MR. HAT That's right Mr. Garrison, Englbert Humperdink was the first person on the moon, who was second? Suddenly, a group of turkeys burst into the classroom and gobble loudly. CLYDE AGHAGAGAH!!!!! The turkeys peck and move wildly, causing all the kids to jump up on their desks. Even Mr. Garrison gets up on his desk. MR. GARRISON What the hell is going on?! The Turkeys quickly tear the room apart. Knocking over desks, and tearing everything off the walls. Just as quickly as they came, the turkeys leave. Leaving the classroom a disaster. GARRISON Well... You don't see that everyday. EXT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY Establishing. INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY The mayor is pacing in her office. MAYOR Okay, now once we have all the canned foods collected... We'll need some clever way to distribute them to the poor... ASSISTANT It should be something festive! Suddenly, the genetic engineer (Mr. Mephesto from ep. 105) bursts into the office with his little monkey boy. MEPHESTO Mayor! We've got a very big problem!! MAYOR Ah... You're that insane genetic engineer from up on the hill, right? MAPHESTO Yes, and I may have made a horrible mistake! I was trying to genetically engineer Turkeys for Thanksgiving... MAYOR (Skeptical) Uh-huhhhh.... MEPHESTO You know, to provide food for the needy. MAYOR (Still skeptical) Of course. MEPHESTO Well, something went wrong, and the turkeys broke free, and the worst part is... They're REALLY pissed off! MAYOR (Still Skeptical) Nnnaturally... The Mayor turns to her assistants and does a 'crazy' signal with her hand. The assistants laugh. MAYOR Oh do go on. MEPHESTO We have to stop them or they could destroy everything! Time is short!! The mayor again turns to her assistants, but this time pulls out a koo-koo clock, and turns it on so the little bird comes out -- 'Koo-koo' The assistants laugh. MAYOR You were saying? MEPHESTO They act just like normal turkeys, except they're evil. MAYOR Oh, my... The mayor turns yet again to her assistants, this time, she pulls a large mule out of nowhere. The mule goes 'heehorr' and the assistants laugh. MEPHESTO Somehow I don't think you're taking me seriously. MAYOR Now why would you say that? INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY The boys BURST in through Cartman's front door. BOYS (Ad libbing) DID IT COME?! DID IT COME?! IS IT HERE YET?! I GET TO USE IT FIRST YOU GUYS!! The boys look around and see nothing. CARTMAN Mom... Did our Digital Sports Watch come yet? CARTMAN'S MOM (Peeping in) Not yet, hon... The boys all get bummed. STAN Damn! KYLE Hey look you guys! ANGLE - TELEVISION ANNOUNCER And now back to part two of the Terrance & Phillip Thanksgiving Special TERRANCE I sure am cold Phillip. PHILLIP Yes, and hungry too. Being a Pilgrim totally sucks ass. TERRANCE Gosh, I hope we don't starve. Phillip suddenly farts. Suddenly, there is a knock at the door! The boys all look at each other with huge eyes. After a pause, they RUSH to the door. KYLE THE DIGITAL SPORTS WATCH IS HERE!!! Cartman opens the door. The boys' faces all drop. Standing there, looking pitiful and hungry, is a little Ethiopian child. CARTMAN What the hell?! STAN Dude, that's not a digital sports watch. KYLE Hey... It looks like one of those Etheropians. STAN Oh, man! They must have accidentally sent him instead of the Sports watch! KYLE Maybe they took it literally when we said we wanted to adopt a kid! The little kid speaks. STARVIN' MARVIN (Making clicking sounds) Embaba dabubu. KYLE Whoa! That was cool! STAN Yeah, how'd he make those clicking sounds? KYLE What's your name, dude? STARVIN' MARVIN Bubu da Barbin. STAN I think he said his name is 'Marvin'. CARTMAN (Laughing) Yeah. STARVIN' Marvin! The boys all laugh. KYLE Nice to meet you, Starvin' Marvin! Marvin blinks. CARTMAN Hey Mom! CARTMAN'S MOM (Leaning in) Yes, hon? CARTMAN We found a Etheropian; can we keep him? CARTMAN'S MOM Sure, hon. CARTMAN Sweet. STAN Dude, let's bring him to school tomorrow! KYLE Come on, Starvin' Marvin! I want you to meet my little brother. CARTMAN No, No! He's my son, I adopted him. STAN It was MY mom's credit card! KYLE Okay, okay we'll switch off. Starvin' Marvin can stay here for a week. Then at Stan's, then with me. CARTMAN Yeah, and never with Kenny 'cause his family is too poor. KYLE Totally! The boys all laugh. Kenny kicks Cartman. CARTMAN OW! EXT. STARK'S POND - NIGHT A young couple is walking along the pond holding hands and looking lovingly at one another. WOMAN Look how the leaves fall so delicately on the surface of the pond. It's so beautiful... MAN Not as beautiful as you. WOMAN Oh! They kiss. Over the woman's shoulder the man sees a group of turkeys. They have doubled in number. MAN Oh, Darling, look. Thanksgiving turkeys. WOMAN Ooh, They're so beautiful... MAN Not as beautiful as you. The turkeys come close and surround the couple. The man turns to the woman. WOMAN Look at the way they foam at the mouth. Like beautiful suds of beer. MAN Not as beautiful as -- Just then the group of turkeys attacks and tears the couples clothes to shreds. COMMERCIAL BREAK #1 INT. ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET - NIGHT The boys and their families are gathered around a HUGE table. STAN This is a great way for you to experience America, Starvin' Marvin. This is what we call an 'All you can eat buffet'. Marvin looks around nervously. CARTMAN Yeah, here you can eat all you want for only $6.99 That's why we all come here on Tuesday nights. Except for Kenny's family, 'cause to them $6.99 is two year's income. They all laugh merrily. CARTMAN Why is YOUR family poor, Starvin' Marvin? Is your dad an alcoholic too? Marvin just sits there. A waiter walks in and sets down a large plate of shrimp. CARTMAN You see, Starvin Marvin, these are what we call APPETIZERS. STARVIN' MARVIN Apee-tiser. CARTMAN This is what you eat before you eat... to make you more hungry. Marvin can't believe it. The waiter reappears with several plates of food. CARTMAN Oop! Food's here! That's it for the appetizers! Cartman grabs the plate of shrimp and tosses it into a trash can. Marvin's eyes absolutely pop. The boys start to gorge themselves. CARTMAN No Starvin' Marvin that's my pot pie! STAN Cartman you butt pipe, this is the time of year you're supposed to share. CARTMAN Oh yeah you're right. (to Marvin) Are you going to eat all of your peach cobbler? No you don't want all that. Why don't you share it with me... Let me just have some of that. EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY Establishing. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY Garrison stands before the class holding a box that reads "Canned Food Drive." GARRISON Children, children, I'm a little disappointed in your Thanksgiving spirit. Only a few cans have been donated to our canned food drive... Garrison pulls out a few cans. GARRISON And can't we do a little better than -- (Reading the cans) Creamed corn, creamed corn and creamed corn? The class stares blankly. GARRISON Please bring in more diverse food children, or else Kenny's family is going to have a pretty 'corny' Thanksgiving. Garrison pauses, and then starts laughing wildly. The kids all just sit there, Kenny just stares, as Garrison slaps his knee and laughs like he just told the best joke in the world. GARRISON Corny... Corny... Gravy... Corny Thanksgiving... Hoo! Finally, Garrison contains himself. GARRISON Anyway, children, I understand a few of you have brought in something special for show and tell... Cartman, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny raise their hands. BOYS (ad lib) Yeah, yeah... We did. We do! We do! GARRISON All right, boys, show us what you've brought. The boys walk with Starvin' Marvin to the front of the class. KYLE This is our new Ethernopian, Starvin' Marvin. Marvin looks around nervously. He peeks into the box of canned food. STAN He can do really cool stuff with his voice. Show 'em, Starvin' Marvin. Marvin says nothing, but instead reaches into the box and pulls out a can of cream corn. CARTMAN No! Starvin' Marvin, that's KENNY's creamed corn! Cartman grabs the can and puts it back in the box CARTMAN No Starvin' Marvin... That's a BAD starvin' Marvin! GARRISON Boys, what the hell are you doing? This is horribly, horribly WRONG!! How did you get this child? STAN He was accidentally delivered to us instead of a sports watch. GARRISON The sports watch from the commercial? KYLE Yeah, that one. BEBE I want a Starvin' Marvin! CLYDE Me too! PIP Yes I'll pay fifty dollars for one! All of a sudden, all the other children go crazy. AD LIBBING 'I want a Etheopian' etc. GARRISON Boys, you're too young to take care of a child. I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the Red Cross and have him returned. KYLE (To Stan) Aw! I TOLD you we shouldn't have brought him to school, dude!! INT. PRINCIPALS OFFICE PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Okay, thank you very much. Yes, you can pick him up tonight. Bye now. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Now, boys I hope you've learned your lesson. STAN No. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA You can't care for this child! KYLE But I thought we were supposed to care on Thanksgiving. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Yes, but you don't actually get involved with the child's lives. You're supposed to just send money. And once in a while they write you a letter. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA You see, Marvin didn't grow up in a normal place like South Park. STAN So why can't he live here now? PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Because he can't! KYLE Because why? PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Because 8 year olds can't be parents. KYLE Then you take care of him. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA I can't. I'm, ah, very busy. I send my $5 a month. See? STAN This sucks. Starvin' Marvin is our friend. CARTMAN Oh well, back to the poor country with you. KYLE You better watch what you say Cartman. You might be poor and hungry some day. CARTMAN Oh yeah, right. EXT. GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - DUSK Establishing. Lightning strikes. INT. GENETIC ENGINEERING RANCH - DUSK Inside his lab, Mephesto is looking through a microscope. MEPHESTO I knew you were the only person who would listen to me, Chef. CHEF Yeah, well let's get it over with. This place gives me the Bubujeebies. MEPHESTO Look here, my microscope. Tell me what you see... Mephesto gestures towards his microscope. Chef puts his eye on it. CHEF Uhh... I see an extreme close up of Vanessa Redgrave's private parts. MEPHESTO Oh, whoops. Mephesto quickly switches the plates under the microscope. MEPHESTO NOW tell me what you see. CHEF Well, I'm no biologist, but I'd say it looks like Turkey DNA. MEPHESTO Precisely. But look how rapidly its dividing. CHEF What does it mean? MEPHESTO It means the turkeys are growing at an exponential rate. If we don't destroy them all... ZOOM IN MEPHESTO They'll take over the town. Maybe the WORLD!!! CHEF Oh Fudge!! Dramatic MUSIC!! CHEF (Pause) Aah, lemme' see that Vanessa Redgrave thing again... MEPHESTO Sure. EXT. SOUTH PARK The sun sets, and night falls on South Park, INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Starvin' Marvin sits in the dark in Cartman's living room. We hear car doors slam. Starvin' Marvin's eyes grow wide. The front door bursts open. Two men in suits burst in. AGENT 1 Hello there little boy, we're looking for a starving African child who was accidentally sent here instead of a Taiko Sports Watch. Marvin thinks for a LONG time... Finally, Marvin points to Cartman's bedroom. The agents exit offscreen. We HEAR the agents bust into Cartman's room. CARTMAN (O.S.) Hey! Hey! What's going on? Hey, let go of me! I'll kick you in the nuts! Okay man? Marvin is looking in the direction of the bedroom. The agents enter. One has Cartman wrapped in a blanket slung over his shoulder. We HEAR Cartman mumbling. AGENT 1 (TO Marvin) Here's your sports watch, son. Sorry for the mix up. Marvin takes the watch. The agents leave. CARTMAN (O.S. and distant) HEY!!!! seriously. You're pissing me off... We HEAR the screech of tires. There is a pause. Marvin looks down at the watch on his wrist. Then he looks up. STARVIN' MARVIN Sweeeet. COMMERCIAL BREAK #2 EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - DAY There is a large crowd gathered in the middle of South Park. We see the canned food grab capsule. There is a podium and microphone set up. The mayor and her assistant stand next to the can grab capsule. MAYOR So, how does this thing work? ASSISTANT Well, Mayor. Its based on the cash grab. But instead of money, the cans of food are blown around inside the capsule. The pov catches as many as he can to feed his family. MAYOR Pov? ASSISTANT POVerty stricken citizen. MAYOR Oh, brilliant! Suddenly the flock of wild turkeys (it is bigger now) attacks the Thanksgiving decorations. A flurry of feathers, decorations and gobbling. MAYOR Aaaah! What the HELL is THIS? ASSISTANT I don't know, Mayor. (looking at a program) I don't think it's listed on the program. Mephesto appears again. MEPHESTO They're increasing in number!! Mayor, these are the vicious Turkeys I warned you about!! Chef appears Stan, Kyle and Kenny are following him. CHEF It's true, Mayor! those turkeys just ripped apart my cafeteria!! WHOA!! Just then the turkeys run past Chef, gobbling. CHEF YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS YOU BASTARDS!!! KYLE Wow! Those are some PISSED OFF turkeys!! MAYOR Okay, people, don't panic. Bring out the defense squad! Jimbo and Ned appear with shotguns. They immediately start firing their guns, and the turkeys start running away. MEPHESTO We need more than that! They'll only come back in increased numbers!! INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY Starvin' Marvin is sitting on Cartman's couch eating a pot- pie and watching TV. ANGLE - TELEVISION Terrance and Phillip are both wearing pilgrim costumes sitting at a thanksgiving table with Native Americans. TERRANCE Hey Phillip, could you pass the beans? PHILLIP Beans? Oh, oh, looks like we'll be at war with these Indians soon. Wait wait wait, here it comes... Oh, I crapped my pants. Terrance lets out a good fart. They both laugh. Marvin laughs. PHILLIP Oh, I think you got some spatter on Chief Running Wolf! TERRANCE I spattered his face. PHILLIP Now he's a smelly Indian. ANNOUNCER We'll be back to Part Fourteen of the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special right after this: COMMERCIAL - EXT. AFRICA SALLY STRUTHERS Hunger is an enemy that we ALL must fight... The camera PANS across the starving people. ANGLE - MARVIN Who perks up. RESUME - TELEVISION SALLY STRUTHERS These children desperately need your support... The camera PANS across more starving Ethiopians. Now we see Cartman in the background. CARTMAN (In the distance) HEY! SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE! THIS SUCKS!! SALLY STRUTHERS So please call and adopt a child today. CARTMAN (Still in distance) I'M SERIOUSLY GETTING PISSED OFF OVER HERE!!!! INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY Marvin smiles at the television and takes another bite of his pot-pie. CARTMAN'S MOM (Leaning in) You want some more cheesy poofs, hon? Marvin thinks... STARVIN' MARVIN Ya I won da cheesy poof! CARTMAN'S MOM Okay! STARVIN' MARVIN Sweet. EXT. ETHIOPIA - DAY In the barren, desolate African landscape, Cartman is walking among the starving masses, pissed off. CARTMAN This is SERIOUS BullSHIT!! There has to be a Happy Burger around here somewhere... Cartman walks by a starving family. CARTMAN (Innocent and Sweet) Excuse me, I am a lost little boy. Could you help me? The family just lies there, dying. CARTMAN Well SCREW YOU TOO!! Cartman storms off. CARTMAN (Waving his arms around) What the? ...Who the hell let all these flies in here?! Hasn't anybody ever heard of insect repellent?! EXT. SOUTH PARK TOWN SQUARE - DAY The whole town has gathered for the Thanksgiving day canned food grab. Kenny is onstage with the mayor. MAYOR Alright everyone, it's time to give out canned food to the poor. The townspeople cheer. Stan and Kyle look at each other with concern. STAN Hey, where's Cartman? KYLE I don't know. Do you know where he is Marvin? MAYOR Looks like we have the turkey problem under control. It's time to embrace the spirit of giving with the canned food grab! MAYOR (To Kenny) Come on. Hurry up! Kenny walks into the capsule. The air-tight door closes behind him. Now we see Kenny's family for the first time. His mother, father, brother and sister are all average looking, but dressed poorly. KENNY'S MOTHER Grab a lot, son!! MAYOR HAPPY HAPPY THANKSGIVING. LET'RRRRR RIP!!! A whirring sound is heard and the cans begin to fly. MAYOR C'MON, GRAB THOSE CANS LITTLE BOY!! Kenny gets hit with cans and tossed around roughly. STAN AND KYLE Come on, Kenny!! KENNY'S DAD C'mon son!! It gets more violent as the power of the air actually picks Kenny up off the ground and makes him fly around like the cans. For a moment we can't even tell what's happening, just a blur of whirling cans and Kenny. Finally the mayor shuts the machine off. Kenny stumbles out, dizzy and holding just one little can. MAYOR Now let's see all the goodies you're gonna take home to your family!! The mayor grabs the can from Kenny, who passes out. MAYOR It looks like he got a... a can of string beans! The audience cheers. But they stop when they hear a familiar, ominous sound... Gobble, gobble, gobble!! CHEF What the...? STAN DUDE! THE MUTANT TURKEYS ARE BACK!!! Everybody panics! They turn to see the turkeys, now a huge mass, heading towards them! The turkeys attack! There are hundreds of them and they immediately tear into everything. It is total pandemonium. Barbrady tries to keep control. BARBRADY Okay, people, move along! Nothing to see here, lookie loos! But the chaos continues. There is screaming and blood and feathers. Finally, the turkeys run off. Chef climbs onto the stage. Mephesto runs up to the Mayor. MEPHESTO I tried to tell you but you didn't listen!! CHEF (Into the microphone) Gather 'round everybody, and listen good! Go to your homes and arm your... (looking at Monkey Boy) What the hell are you supposed to be anyway? MEPHESTO That's not important right now. CHEF No! What the hell is this little thing supposed to be? It doesn't look like anything. MAYOR Chef! The turkeys! CHEF Oh alright. Listen up everybody, and listen good. Go to your homes and arm yourselves with whatever you can. We'll meet back here in fifteen minutes. Hurry! The people scatter. CHEF We're not gonna let our thanksgiving be ruined by a bunch of turkeys! EXT. ETHIOPIA - DAY Cartman now looks beaten, tired and hungry as he roams the African landscape. CARTMAN You guys... Seriously... I'm HUNGRY!!! I HAVE TO EAT!!! Just then Cartman notices a group of Americans. Several red cross members with a box. CARTMAN Oh sweet, the Red Cross. I'll have fried chicken and a side of mashed potatoes please. RED CROSS MEMBER Sorry kid, but we're out of food. We ran out of funding. CARTMAN What!!!! RED CROSS MEMBER We just couldn't get enough sponsors back home. So now we've got to pack it up. CARTMAN But I'm not a starvin' ethernopian. I have to get back home too. RED CROSS MEMBER Sorry dude, we just don't have any funds. Here have a Taiko sports watch. CARTMAN WEAKKKKK!!!!!! EXT. SOUTH PARK ROLLING HILLS The residents of South Park are armed and ready for battle atop a hill. It's like a scene out of braveheart. They are armed with guns, knifes, baseball bats and pieces of wood. MAYOR People... We all have to do our part against the evil turkeys... TOWNSPERSON There's too many of them. The townspeople moan. MAYOR Come on, where is that Thanksgiving spirit? TOWNSPERSON We can't stop them. They moan again. But then: Chef rides in on a horse. His face is painted half blue, half white. CHEF Today you fight for your city! You fight for your honor! These turkeys will continue to push until they have taken everything from us!! The townspeople listen on, enthralled. CHEF These fudged up turkeys from the crustaceous era can take our lives, but they can never take our FREEDOM!!! The townspeople all cheer. EXT. THE OTHER HILL On the other side, the turkeys are rallying too. They are gathered in a mass, ready for battle. One turkey stands in front of them, it's face is painted half blue, half white, it appears to be giving a speech. TURKEY LEADER Gobble, gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble! Gobble gobble!! The turkeys watch on, enthralled. TURKEY LEADER Gobble gobble! Gobble, Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble!!! gobble gobble GOBBLE!!! The turkeys all cheer/gobble. They turn and face the townspeople. The townspeople face the turkeys. KYLE MOONS THE TURKEYS KYLE Here you go turkeys! The turkey leader gives a war gobble! The turkeys all follow. THE TWO MASSES CHARGE EACH OTHER!!!! MAYOR (To Assistant) Does my hair look okay? EXT. ETHIOPIA - DAY CARTMAN Can't... go on... need appetizer... (Shouting to the sky) I'M SORRY GOD, I'M SORRY I MOCKED POOR PEOPLE!! I'M SORRY I WASN'T MORE SENSITIVE!! PLEASE!!! PLEASE GOD!!!! Cartman falls down. He just lays there looking dead for several seconds. CARTMAN (Quietly) My God has forsaken me... COMMERCIAL BREAK #3 Finally, he picks his head up and sees a small building. Cartman gets up and walks to the building. CARTMAN Whoa, I wonder what's in here? Cartman opens the door -- INT. SMALL BUILDING The inside is incredible. STACKS upon STACKS of food! Cheesy Poofs, Pot-pie's, Snacky cakes!! Cartman's eyes grow huge. CARTMAN SNACKY CAKES!!! There's a big screen television, a beautiful stereo and a decadent furniture set. Cartman rounds the corner to find a fat white woman sitting on the couch eating cake, watching T.V., and being fanned by two Ethiopians. CARTMAN SALLY STRUTHERS?! SALLY STRUTHERS (Eating cake) Who the hell are you? CARTMAN Give me that cake!! SALLY STRUTHERS (A la Cartman) Nooo, this is MY cake! CARTMAN NO SALLY STRUHTHERS, GIMME THE CAKE!! SALLY STRUTHERS Nooo! You can't have any!! CARTMAN Oh yeah?! Cartman walks back out the door. EXT. SMALL BUILDING Cartman bursts out the door and shouts to all the Ethiopians. CARTMAN YOU GUYS!! SALLY STRUTHERS IS HOLDING FOOD FROM US!!! The Ethiopians all stand up. INT. SMALL BUILDING SALLY STRUTHERS Oh, oh... EXT. SOUTH PARK ROLLING HILLS The two masses collide. An incredible battle ensues. Blood and gobbling everywhere. Graphic shots of turkeys getting pummelled with baseball bats and South Parkers being smothered. The children, armed, are standing close to Chef. CHEF Stay close, children! Chef guards the children, killing a few attacking turkeys. The children cheer Chef. But just then, several turkeys jump on Kenny! Kenny flails around, but the turkeys hold tight. More Turkeys jump on Kenny as he jumps around and tries to get away. But the turkeys overpower him. Kenny falls to the ground where turkeys pluck out his eyeballs. STAN Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!! KYLE You bastards!!! JIMBO The last three are getting away. Shoot 'em Ned! Ned fires on the remaining turkeys. TOWNSPERSON We did it! EXT. SOUTH PARK ROLLING HILLS Finally, the battle slows as the last of the turkeys is destroyed. The townspeople all cheer. MEPHESTO (standing over the turkey carcasses) My God, what have we done? CHEF We've saved Thanksgiving! MEPHESTO But all those poor turkeys... They're all dead! CHEF Every turkey dies. Not every turkey truly lives. MEPHESTO As horrible as they were, they felt like a part of me. Perhaps I shouldn't be toying with God's creations... Perhaps I should just -- CHEF (We've all heard this before) Yeah, yeah, yeah...... The two agents step through the carnage and approach the kids and Chef. Marvin is not visible. AGENT 1 Excuse me, sir. We're looking for a little starving Ethiopian boy who was accidentally delivered to South Park instead of Taiko sports watch. AGENT 2 Have you seen anyone fitting this description? BARBRADY Oh, that could be a hundred kids in this town, Mister. But suddenly, Marvin walks up and tugs on the agents pantleg. AGENT 1 There you are! AGENT 2 Are you ready to go home now? Marvin looks at Mr. Garrison, Chef, Barbrady... And then nods his head quickly. The agents take Marvin's hand and lead him past the Turkey carnage. STAN Wow... It sucks he has to leave. KYLE Yeah, I like him a lot more than Cartman. STAN You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials. But people on TV are just as real as you or I. KYLE Yeah... (Thinking) And that means that McGyver is a real person too. EXT. ETHIOPIA - DAY Three red cross members are escorting Cartman through the village. Cartman is eating a pot-pie as he walks. RED CROSS MEMBER We're terribly sorry about the mix- up little boy. We'll get you back home immediately. CARTMAN That's right you will, God dammit! They walk past the food line. Cartman breaks into the line. CARTMAN Move it, Povs! I'm an AMERICAN!! EXT. ETHIOPIA - DAY A large plane lands in the midst of the desolate village. Little Marvin steps off and is immediately surrounded by his friends and family. ETHIOPIAN Ababa!! Dlook dlook baba raka! STARVIN' MARVIN Baba dlook ri nama bam! As more people gather around, Starvin Marvin gestures to the plane. Everyone looks on as hundreds of dead Turkeys are dropped from cargo hold. Everyone rejoices and cheers. Several Ethiopians start grabbing the turkeys as others hoist Marvin up on their shoulders and victoriously march him into the town -- -- passing, on the way, Sally Struthers is bound and gagged and tied to a pole. EXT. KENNY'S HOUSE It is indeed a POV house; small and cheap. INT. KENNY'S HOUSE Kenny's family (mother, father, sister, brother) are gathered around a humble table. The dishes are set, and in the middle of the table, on a little serving tray, is the can of green beans. The family joins hands in prayer. KENNY'S FATHER (Sarcastically) Lord, on this day of thanks we would like to extend our DEEPEST gratitude for this INCREDIBLE BOUNTY of green beans you have bestowed upon us. And though you for some reason found it necessary to take our son from us, and though you for some reason find pleasure in watching us suffer... Still, we give thanks... Amen. FAMILY Amen. The family sits there for a long time. KENNY'S MOTHER ...Does anybody have a can opener? Silence. KENNY'S FATHER God dammit. THE END