South Park Episode 110 "MR. HANKEY THE CHRISTMAS POO" by Trey Parker INT. SMALL STAGE - DAY All the adorable children of South Park are on risers singing merrily. KIDS (Singing) We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year! The SONG ENDS and little Stan steps out in front of the group. STAN Lights please? The lights dim, and a small spotlight appears on Stan. STAN (echoing) And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and they were so afraid. And the angel said unto them, fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy. For born unto you this day in the city of David is a Savior, 'tis Christ the Lord. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. (Louder) And now, SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY PRESENTS -- THE BIRTH OF JESUS! Stan gestures with his hand to another area of the stage, where -- A curtain opens and we see that Wendy is dressed like Mary. She is lying on her back, with her legs up in the air, moaning horrifically. Cartman, Kenny and some other children surround her in this adorable little nativity. WENDY Oooh!! Oooh!! Dressed as Joseph, Kyle stands between Wendy’s legs, waiting for the fetus. KYLE Come on, Mary, PUSH!! I can see its head!!! WENDY UGGHHH!!! WENDY AAGHAGAH!!! Wendy pushes some more and a small, plastic blood covered fetus pops out. Kyle holds it up by the head. KYLE It's a boy!! CARTMAN Oooh! The kids all go 'Oooh!' Kenny is dressed like an angel. KENNY Mph mph mph rm!! MR. GARRISON WAIT A MINUTE!!!! WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!! Suddenly, the lights come up and we see that we are actually in the school gymnasium. Mr. Garrison is in front of the stage, directing. He has a director's megaphone and is sitting in a director's chair. MR. GARRISON Kyle, what the hell was that? You need to hold the baby by the legs, not by the head... What kind of sick weirdo are you? KYLE Sorry. MR. GARRISON And Wendy, I'm STILL not believing the labor pains. WENDY Okay. Just then, Kyle's irate mother walks up to Garrison. KYLE'S MOTHER Mr. Garrison, what the hell do you think you're doing?! MR. GARRISON Well, I'm TRYING to direct the school Christmas play, but YOUR son was holding baby Jesus fetus by the head. KYLE'S MOTHER How DARE you include the nativity in a school play!! Don't you realize my son is JEWISH?!?! Kyle looks embarrassed. Mr. Garrison looks confused. MR. GARRISON So? KYLE'S MOTHER So what makes you think he should play JOSEPH of Arimathaea?! MR. GARRISON Because it's Christmas. KYLE'S MOTHER Our family doesn't celebrate Christmas! Cartman and the boys all look at each other, shocked. Kyle just lowers his head. MR. GARRISON Oh, God, you're not gonna lay that Hanukkah crap on me are you? KYLE'S MOTHER WHAT, WHAT, WHAAATT?!?! You're not going to get away with this, Mr. Garrison! The children stand off to the side listening to the argument. CARTMAN Oh good, Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas! KYLE Shut up, fat boy! CARTMAN I'm not fat! I'm festively plump! STAN Why are you Jewish on Christmas, Kyle? Meanwhile, Garrison and Kyle's mom have finished their bickering. MR. GARRISON Oh, Okay! Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus? Kyle thinks. KYLE'S MOTHER How about the dreidel song, boobie? KYLE I can sing the Mr. Hankey song! MR. GARRISON The Mr. Hankey song? How does that go? MUSIC KYLE Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo! He loves me, and I love you! STAN Christmas poo?! CARTMAN What the hell is Christmas poo? KYLE Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo, haven't you guys ever heard of it? KYLE'S MOTHER Kyle that is enough! MR. GARRISON See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a pagan. KYLE'S MOTHER NOW THAT DOES IT! I AM GOING STRAIGHT TO THE MAYOR ABOUT YOU MR. GARRISON!!! Kyle's mother storms out. Garrison chases after her. MR. GARRISON OH WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! I'm sorry. Was it the pagan remark?! WENDY You guys! Look! Wendy is standing next to the window, where big snowflakes are falling. WENDY It's snowing! The kids all rush to the door. EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY The kids all run outside, where big, beautiful flakes of snow are falling from the sky. STAN WOW! Christmas snow! WENDY Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue, it's fun! VINCE GUARLDI piano MUSIC kicks in as all the kids catch snowflakes. A flake lands on Stan's tongue. A flake lands on Cartman's tongue. Kenny points his head up, but just then a bird flies by and shits in Kenny's mouth. KENNY PLMPH!!! STAN OH SICK, DUDE!! Kyle sticks out his tongue, but -- CARTMAN Hey! What the hell are you doing?! Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow! KYLE We can too! STAN No, I think it's against the law, dude. KYLE OFFICER BARBRADY!! Barbrady is standing in an intersection, directing traffic. BARBRADY What? KYLE IS IT ILLEGAL FOR JEWS TO EAT CHRISTMAS SNOW?! BARBRADY Yes. Kyle stares down at the ground, pouting. KYLE DAMMIT! STAN Hey, come on guys, we have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas! CARTMAN Yeah, we'll see you later, Kyle. Guess there's no reason for you to come since you don't get Christmas presents. KYLE No, but I get Hanukkah presents for EIGHT DAYS!! CARTMAN Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that. Stan walks away from Kyle. STAN We'll catch up with you later, Kyle. The kids all start to walk away from Kyle. KYLE Wait! I may not have Santa, but I do have Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo! The boys all stop. STAN What is this about Christmas poo dude? KYLE Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet. CARTMAN Oh Kyle, c'mon seriously, you are really reaching right now. KYLE Well, you're gonna be sorry when you see me riding around on Santa's sleigh with Mr. Hankey, fat ass! CARTMAN (Super snooty) You're not gonna ride on Santa's sleigh 'cause you're a Jew, KYLE. STAN See ya, dude. Everyone leaves. Kyle stands there alone... Sad. Sad, soft music begins. KYLE It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas My friends won't let me join in any games And I can't sing Christmas songs Or decorate a Christmas tree Or leave water out for Rudolph 'Cause there's something wrong with me My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's Divinity I'm a Jew A lonely Jew On Christmas... Kyle walks over to where he sees children laughing and playing and sitting on Santa's lap. Kyle watches from the distance, behind a tree. KYLE Hanukkah is nice, but why is it that Santa passes over my house every year? And instead of eating ham I have to eat kosher latkeef. Instead of Silent Night I'm singing Ooo chach to ga vive and what the fuck is up with lighting all these fucking candles tell me please! I'm a Jew A lonely Jew I'd be merry, but I'm Hebrew On Christmas. The song ends. Kyle slowly walks away. EXT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT It appears that the whole town has come to protest. Everybody is AD LIBBING complaints and shouts. The Mayor tries to quiet everybody down as she walks up to a podium on the steps. MAYOR Okay, everybody, settle down! A random WOMAN steps up, followed by a few townmembers. WOMAN Mayor, we are deeply offended by the nativity scene in front of the capital office! Church and State are SEPARATE!! Her followers cheer. The town erupts again into complaints. Kyle walks up to where the other boys are. KYLE What's going on you guys? STAN The whole town is pissed off at each other. It's really sweet. KYLE'S MOTHER That isn't all Mayor! The school play is doing a nativity scene! It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community! MR. GARRISON You ARE the Jewish community! The townspeople all AD LIB shouts and complaints again. CARTMAN Oh boy, super bitch is at it again. KYLE Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman! The town Priest steps up to the front of the crowd. PRIEST Mayor, the nativity is what Christmas is all about! If you remove Christ, you must remove Santa and Frosty and all that garbage too!! The Christians all cheer, some 'Boos'. The Mayor rolls her eyes. OLDER MAN And we must put a STOP to the cutting down of Christmas trees!! JIMBO And I'm sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids! If you don't want to spill your coffee then you shouldn't be driving with it!! Silence... The townspeople all look around... Finally, they all cheer again, in spite of themselves. MAYOR (Quieting them again) Okay, people... Clearly we need to reach a compromise... Perhaps we need a new icon for Christmas. The mayor makes a specific 'all encompassing' gesture with her hands (see Trey). ASSISTANT #2 Ooh! Brilliant idea Mayor! The townspeople think. The townspeople all AD LIB agreement. KYLE (Shouting out) Hey, how about Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo? Everybody turns and looks at Kyle. Cartman and Stan roll their eyes. MAYOR Excuse me? STAN Oh boy, here we go again. Kyle's Mother and Father look scared. KYLE Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet. KYLE'S MOTHER Kyle, shush! KYLE It's true! He doesn't care what faith you are! (Singing) Mr. Hankey The Christmas Poo! He loves me! And I love you! Therefore, vicariously, he loves you! Even if you're... CARTMAN Don't mind him, he's a very disturbed little boy. KENNY Mph rmph rm! STAN (Laughing) Yeah! Kyle's mother rushes over and grabs Kyle by the arm. KYLE'S MOTHER Okay, Kyle, we're leaving RIGHT NOW! KYLE Wait! Kyle's mom hurries him off. MAYOR Anyway... I'll put together a crack team of my best workers to make sure this will be the most non-offensive Christmas ever to any religious or minority group of any kind. Are there any other suggestions? Mr. Garrison raises his hand. MAYOR Yes, Mr. Garrison? MR. GARRISON Could we get rid of all the Mexicans? MAYOR No, Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid of all the Mexicans. MR. GARRISON Rats. COMMERCIAL BREAK #1 INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT Kyle's house is GARISHLY decorated with Hanukkah crap. A menorah has six candles lit. Ike is entertaining himself with a dreidel. KYLE'S FATHER It is SICK and disgusting and we simply will NOT HAVE IT! KYLE'S MOTHER Your father's right, Kyle. Kyle just looks down at the floor. KYLE'S FATHER Sheila, let me handle this. Having imaginary friends is fine, Kyle, but this simply will NOT DO!! KYLE'S MOTHER Listen to your father, Kyle. Ike goes chasing after his dreidel and crashes head first into the Menorah. KYLE'S FATHER Now, I want you repeat after me. 'There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey'. KYLE But dad! He always -- KYLE'S FATHER SAY IT! Kyle sighs deeply. KYLE (defeated) There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey. KYLE'S FATHER Again. KYLE There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey. KYLE'S MOTHER This is for your own good, boobie. KYLE'S FATHER Now you go brush your teeth, and march in to bed! You won't be opening your Hanukkah present tonight. Kyle hangs his head low and slinks into the bathroom. KYLE (Under his breath) Probably just another stupid dreidel anyway... KYLE'S FATHER WHAT DID YOU SAY?! KYLE I said Ike's on fire. As Kyle leaves, his mother and father turn around and see that Ike, sure enough, has caught on fire. They run over to him and cover him with a blanket. KYLE'S MOTHER Oh my God! INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT Kyle stands on a little stool, brushing his teeth in the mirror. KYLE It isn't fair! I don't want to be an outcast! After a few seconds, Kyle hears a small noise coming from the toilet... drip... drip... Kyle looks down at the toilet, then quickly looks away and goes back to brushing his teeth. MR. HANKEY Hellllooo! KYLE I'm not hearing that. MR. HANKEY Hellllooo! Drip... Drip... Now Kyle walks over to the toilet and peers in. KYLE Mr. Hankey? Just then, from the depths of the toilet bowl, comes laughable, lovable MR. HANKEY, a jolly old piece of poo with a red and white Christmas hat. MR. HANKEY HOWDY HO!!!! Hankey flies up into the air, bounces off a wall, and lands on the counter. MR. HANKEY Howdy Ho, Kyle! Gosh you're lookin' swell. KYLE Go away, Mr. Hankey. MR. HANKEY You know something, pal? You smell an awful lot like flowers. KYLE I said go away. My dad says you aren't real. MR. HANKEY Not real? Well shucks, if I weren't real, could I sing this jolly Christmas song? Music kicks in. Mr. Hankey throws his arms up. MR. HANKEY (Singing) Santa Claus is on his way He loaded goodies on his sleigh He'll drop 'em off on Christmas Day And I'll say HOWDY HO!! As Hankey sings, he does a little dance. Leaping all around the bathroom, and leaving a small trail of brown wherever he goes. KYLE Mr. Hankey! SHHH! I'll get in trouble! MR. HANKEY (Singing) Folks'll gather round the fire Sing a song form a choir Pretty soon they'll all retire And I'll say HOWDY HO!! As the song continues, Hankey jumps up to the mirror and writes 'Noel' in brown on it. POUNDING at the door. KYLE'S FATHER Kyle? What are you doing in there? KYLE NOTHING! KYLE'S FATHER Open this door! MR. HANKEY I hope that Santa comes real soon been waiting since the first of June -- KYLE Mr. Hankey come here! Kyle grabs Mr. Hankey -- But suddenly, the door bursts open. We see only the expression on Kyle's Father's face. He is almost in shock. Now we see what dad sees. The entire bathroom, the walls the floors the mirrors, are smeared with poo. Slowly, the camera pans to Kyle who is just standing there with a lifeless, plain lump of poo in his hand. KYLE'S FATHER KYLEEEEE!!! Kyle looks at the piece of poo in his hand. KYLE Say something Mr. Hankey! The poo is motionless. INT. KYLE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT Kyle's father stands at the door. Kyle is in bed. Dad flicks the light off. KYLE'S FATHER NOW YOU GET TO SLEEP AND THINK ABOUT HOW YOUR POOR MOTHER HAS TO CLEAN THAT BATHROOM UP!! KYLE'S MOTHER (very distant) Wh... Wha... WHAT Me?! Kyle's father slams the door shut. Kyle is left alone in the darkness. MR. HANKEY HOWDY HO!! Mr. Hankey jumps down on the bed next to Kyle. KYLE Mr. Hankey! Where the hell did you go?! MR. HANKEY You should be wearing socks to sleep, Kyle. You're gonna catch a cold. KYLE NOBODY believes in you! Not even my friends! MR. HANKEY Ooh, gee that's too bad... KYLE Hey, how about you come to school with me tomorrow, so I can at least prove I'm not crazy to my friends? MR. HANKEY Say, that sounds like a swell idea! We can show everyone the true spirit of Christmas! KYLE Yeah! We'll show them! Mr. Hankey tucks himself in next to Kyle, and the two fall asleep. EXT. SOUTH PARK - MORNING Establishing shot of morning on festively decorated South Park avenue. MAYOR Okay people we've got to turn this place around! Take down anything that is offensive to any specific group! The townspeople start taking decorations off the front of the buildings. Jimbo is on a ladder in front of his store's doorway. JIMBO Is mistletoe offensive? MAYOR (Calling out) Is anyone offended by mistletoe? One guy in the corner raises his hand. MAYOR Lose the mistletoe! EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING Cartman, Stan and Kenny are waiting at the busstop. STAN You guys!! I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas! CARTMAN How do you know? STAN 'Cause I looked in my parents closet last night! CARTMAN Yeah, well I sneaked around my mom's closet too and saw what I'm getting: The 'UltraVibe Pleasure 2000'. STAN What's that? CARTMAN I don't know, but it sounds pretty sweet. Kyle walks up, carrying a little shoebox. KYLE Hello, everybody! STAN What's in the box, Dude? KYLE It's a surprise! CARTMAN Lemme see! KYLE Oh, okay, but don't scare him... Stan slowly opens the lid and peers into the box. Cartman and Kenny look in as well. Silence... Silence... Kyle is the only one smiling, the other boys look deeply disturbed. STAN Dude! SICK!!! Kyle looks in the box, again Mr. Hankey is just a lump of shit. No eyes, no hat, no gloves... CARTMAN Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?! KENNY Mph rmph rm rmph! KYLE Wait you guys! He's alive! STAN Kyle... I think you better get home and get some sleep. KYLE (To the box) COME ON, DANCE!! DANCE!!! Cartman, Stan and Kenny look at each other with deep concern. KYLE DANCE DAMN YOU!! INT. LABORATORY - DAY The second Mayor's assistant is in a white lab coat, and standing at the front of a group of people, holding a clipboard. (Is that a shitty sentence or what?) ASSISTANT #2 Now, this is very simple. I'm going to say words, and the computer will measure how offended you are by them. In this way, we can find out which words are least offensive for use in the holiday season... Are we ready? The townspeople just sit there, connected to wires and computers. MAN Here we go... Christ. A few beeps go off. MAN Okay... CHAIR. No computer sound. MAN CAMEL. A few little beeps go off. MAN SAND. Silence. MAN STUPID WHOP DEGO. BEEEP BEEEP BEEP BEEP!!!!!!! MAN BENCH... EXT. SOUTH PARK - ELEMENTARY Establishing. INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - DAY The nativity stuff has been taken down. A small crew is in the process of taken down all the pictures of Santa Claus as well. Two big guys start to drag the Christmas tree out. MR. GARRISON Oh, do you have to take the Christmas tree too? BURLY GUY Mayor's orders. The children all watch with sad eyes as their cute little set is dismantled. MR. GARRISON Okay children, I'm really having a hard time with our Christmas play. The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus OR Santa Claus... CARTMAN Thanks to Kyle's mother. KYLE Shut up, Cartman! MR. GARRISON So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus Christmas songs? Cartman raises his hand. MR. GARRISON Yes, Eric? CARTMAN How about we sing 'Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch in D minor'. KYLE I told you NOT to call my mom a bitch, CARTMAN!! CARTMAN Oh! MUSIC kicks in. CARTMAN Wellllllll.... (Singing) Kyle's mom's a bitch! She a big fat bitch! She's the biggest bitch In the whole wide world! She's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch She's a bitch to all the boys and girls. KYLE Shut up, Cartman! As Cartman continues, Mr. Hankey hops out in front of Kyle. Nobody notices except for Kyle. MR. HANKEY Howdy ho! KYLE (Softly) Mr. Hankey! CARTMAN Monday she's a bitch! On Tuesday she's a bitch! And Wednesday through Saturday She's a bitch! And then on Sunday just to be different She's a super King Kamayamaya BITCH! MR. HANKEY Golly, that isn't very nice! I'd sure like to teach him a lesson! Kyle reaches for Hankey, but Hankey slips through his hands, leaps off the desk and hurls himself at Cartman. CARTMAN Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world She's a mean ol' bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bi... bi... bi... bi bitch... She's a stupid bitch. Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's a just a dirty bitch. Kyle's mom is a BITCH! The singing and music stops. KYLE Mr. Hankey, NO! MR. HANKEY Aah! MR. GARRISON What the... Garrison looks down at the little lifeless lump of poo on the floor. CARTMAN GROSS, KYLE!! MR. GARRISON OH MY LORD!! KYLE, DID YOU JUST THROW DOO-DOO AT ERIC?!?! Kyle is just sitting there, wide eyed, with a big brown stain on his hand. KYLE Uhh... The whole class erupts into AD LIB 'GROSS!'s and 'SICK's. CARTMAN YOU SICK BASTARD! Kyle slinks in his desk as the children all point and laugh at him. INT. COUNSELOR'S OFFICE - DAY Kyle is sitting in the counselor's office, facing the odd, wiry counselor. COUNSELOR Now, Kyle as your school counselor, I want to try and help you confront your problem, okay. KYLE I don't have a problem! COUNSELOR Well it's MY understanding that you... (checking his notes) ...You have an acute case of fecalphelia. KYLE What's that? COUNSELOR Well, a fecalpheliac is somebody who is obsessed with mookie-stinks, Kyle. KYLE Mookie-stinks? COUNSELOR Now, I also understand that you're Jewish, is that right Kyle? KYLE Well, not on purpose! COUNSELOR So, this must be a pretty hard time of year for you... Being Christmas and all. Do the other kids make fun of you? KYLE Well, sometimes. COUNSELOR And that must make you mad. KYLE Well, sure. COUNSELOR Mad enough to KILL, Kyle? DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS UP QUICKLY. KYLE No, dude! THE MUSIC ENDS. COUNSELOR Oh, that's good. Kyle looks confused. COUNSELOR You see Kyle, sometimes we feel like an outsider, we create friends, okay? in our minds, okay? KYLE But Mr. Hankey seems so real. COUNSELOR Well, of course he does. In your screwed up little head he's the only friend you have. The counselor takes a sip of his coffee. When he sets the mug back down, Kyle notices that Mr. Hankey is in the mug, wearing a shower cap and brushing his back with a scrub brush. He is whistling merrily, then he waves at Kyle. MR. HANKEY Kyle, Howdy Ho! Kyle's eyes widen hugely. COUNSELOR Right now you're nuttier than Chinese Chicken Salad, okay? Kyle nervously looks back to the counselor. COUNSELOR I mean, you're one screwed up little kid, do you understand? The counselor takes another sip of coffee. Kyle cringes. MR. HANKEY Santa's loaded up his sleigh Soon he'll be on his merry way... COUNSELOR So just try to stay positive, stay away from drugs and alcohol, and in the meantime, I'm going to put you on a heavy regimen of Prozac. Finally, the counselor looks down at his mug. COUNSELOR WAGAHAGHAGHA!!!! OH MY GOD YOU SICK LITTLE MONKEY!! INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - DAY MR. GARRISON Okay, children, we've just received word from the Mayor that the Christmas play can't include any Christmas lights, since they offend people with epilepsy. The children all moan. MR. GARRISON So, Kenny, would you please go over and pull the light cords out of the wall? Kenny looks a little scared, but walks over to where the HUGE mass of Christmas light wires are plugged into the wall. MR. GARRISON Careful now Kenny, those are very very dangerous. The children all watch on as Kenny grabs the cords and pulls them out. There is a SPARK!! But Kenny just stands there, unharmed. He sighs with relief and walks back to the group. MR. GARRISON Okay, now let's practice our -- COUNSELOR No! Get away from me!!! The counselor runs in, followed by innocent little Kyle. KYLE Here, just look more closely at it! COUNSELOR NO!! GO AWAY!! Stan, you need to do something about your friend, okay? Get him outta here before he hurts anybody, okay? EXT. SOUTH PARK MENTAL INSTITUTION - DAY The same institution that Garrison was in episode 2. INT. SOUTH PARK MENTAL INSTITUTION - DAY The boys walk Kyle into the front office, which is decorated with Christmas things. He walks up to a plain looking nurse. STAN Hello, we need to commit our friend Kyle, please. NURSE Reason? KYLE I'm a clinically depressed fecalpheliac on prosaic. NURSE Any allergies? KYLE No. NURSE JACKET!!! Suddenly, two burly men in white burst out, slap a straight- jacket on Kyle and drag him away. CARTMAN Bye, Kyle! Happy Hanukkah! FADE OUT: ACT III EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - NIGHT Establishing. INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT The kids are all dressed in festive costumes, darting around and getting ready for their big night. MR. GARRISON Okay, children, does everyone have their leotards on? INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT It appears the entire town has turned out for the Christmas Play. The townspeople all fill the bleachers in anticipation. MAN Good, it looks like they've taken the Christmas trees down. WOMAN Yes, and there's nothing Christian either. This should be great. KYLE'S MOTHER (Sniffling) Oh, this could be such a wonderful Christmas play. I wish our little Kyle was here to see it. INT. PADDED CELL - NIGHT Kyle is in an all white padded cell wearing his all white straight jacket. KYLE (Singing) Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel I made you out of clay Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel With dreidel I will play. Second verse, same as the first! Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel... INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT The townspeople sit in the bleachers. ANNOUNCER Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday..... TOWNSPERSON Wait wait!! There's a star above the stage! That's very offensive to non- Christians! JIMBO Oh, come on! TOWNSPERSON HEY! Don't push your beliefs on ME buddy!! STAN'S FATHER I agree! MR. GARRISON Oh, brother... Kenny would you please climb that ladder and take down the star above the stage? Kenny nervously looks over to a rickety old ladder. Like a trooper, Kenny walks over and takes the first few steps. MR. GARRISON And be careful not to fall in that little pool below you Kenny, the shark for the third act is in there. Kenny looks down and sees that there is indeed a huge maneating shark in the pool below him. KENNY Mmph! Kenny climbs the ladder quickly. The lights dim. ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday EXPERIENCE!! Before we bring out the kiddies for the play here's a nonoffensive, non-denominational Holiday song by the school Chef! The townspeople applaud. Chef takes the stage as MUSIC begins. CHEF I'm gonna lay you down by the yule log I'm gonna love you right Baby, I'm gonna deck your halls And silent your night... Kenny shakes a bit at the top of the ladder. He looks down and sees the ominous shark below him. CHEF You'll hear the herald angels sing when I'm sliding off your bra. I Just can't wait to jingle your bells and Fa La La your La! Baby it's Christmas!! STAN I wish Kyle was here, it just doesn't seem right without him. CARTMAN Well, old Kyle is going to be locked up for a while, so get used to it. MR. GARRISON Okay kids, get ready to take your places. INT. SCHOOL GYMNASIUM - NIGHT NARRATOR Thank you Chef. And now South Park Elementary presents the happy non- offensive non-denominational Christmas play! With music and lyrics by New York minimalist composer Phillip Glass! Phillip glass stands at his keyboard and waves. Stan, Cartman, Kenny and all the other kids take the stage in their drab, brown outfits. The extremely lame and gay Phillip Glass music starts. The boys and girls all start to sing. PHILLIP GLASS AS I TURN AND LOOK INTO THE SUN, THE RAYS BURN MY EYES HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY EVERYBODY'S HAPPY. The parents all look confused. PHILLIP GLASS HOW LIKE A TURTLE THE SUN LOOKS... KYLE'S MOTHER What the hell is this? This is horrible! PRIEST This is the most god-awful piece of crap I've ever seen! Philip Glass looks around, worried. MR. GARRISON Hey! YOU'RE the ones who made it this way!! PRIEST Yeah! It's because the Jews said it couldn't be Christian! KYLE'S FATHER It wasn't our idea to take out Santa Claus!! ENVIRONMENTALIST ALL YOU BASTARDS RUINED CHRISTMAS. The townspeople all lash out at each other. In a fury, they charge and start beating the crap out of one another. KYLE'S FATHER Get him in the ribs. ENVIRONMENTALIST Damn tree hugger! The children just look on helplessly as their parents fight like dogs. STAN This sucks, dude. This is like the worst Christmas I've ever seen! WENDY Yeah. CHEF Say, where's Kyle? STAN We committed him. CHEF What? Why? STAN 'Cause he kept seeing this little brown piece of Christmas poo everywhere that he went. CHEF Christmas Poo? You mean Mr. Hankey? The boys all freeze. STAN Huh? Uh-Oh! COMMERCIAL BREAK THE COMMERCIAL INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY A wholesome, pretty mother walks into the dining room, where her two kids, a ten year old BOY and an eight year old GIRL are looking bored at the table. MOTHER Say kids, why the long faces? BOY We're bored. GIRL There's nothin' to do. MOTHER Well, maybe this will help! The mother pulls a box out from nowhere. It is a very colorful box with Mr. Hankey on the front. BOY WOW! MR. HANKEY CONSTRUCTION SET!!! GIRL COOL!!! Happy MUSIC kicks in. ANNOUNCER That's right, kids, now you can make your very own Mr. Hankey! The girl dumps the box out onto the table. INT. BATHROOM - DAY The kids and mom are kneeled down by the toilet bowl. ANNOUNCER Just use this special fecal fishing net, and select your best Mr. Hankey. GIRL That one! The mom dips the little fishing net into the toilet. ANNOUNCER Then use the hand-crafted Hankey- stand to add whatever eyes, mouths and hats you want! The little girl puts the finishing touches on a little Mr. Hankey, perched on a wooden platform. BOY I made a mariachi Mr. Hankey. GIRL Now it's a Mrs. Hankey. BOY Let's put the fez hat on him. GIRL I wish daddy was still alive. The mother smiles. ANNOUNCER The Mr. Hankey construction set comes with everything seen here. MOTHER Hey, where's Mr. Hankey? The baby claps its hands and laughs, covered in brown (chocolate, of course). MOTHER I love you sweetheart. GIRL I love you too. The mother laughs merrily with her children. FADE OUT: ACT III EXT. SOUTH PARK - ELEMENTARY ESTABLISHING STAN This is horrible. Everybody's fighting and my best friend is in an institution... All because we didn't believe in Mr. Hankey. CHEF Well, you can believe in him now. Two parents go hurling through frame, beating the shit out of each other. STAN I believe! Stan looks at Cartman. WENDY I believe in Mr. Hankey! MR. HANKEY HOWDY HO!!! The boys all turn to see Mr. Hankey! Who has flipped out of his shoebox and is magically floating in the air. MR. HANKEY HOWDY FOLKS! Gosh you sure do smell nice and flowery! STAN AND CARTMAN Whoa!!! MR. HANKEY Howdy Ho, Chef! CHEF Howdy Ho, Mr. Hankey. CARTMAN Okay, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm going home. Talking poo is where I draw the line. MR. HANKEY What's all the ruckus? CHEF I'm glad your here Mr. Hankey, the whole town is about to kill each other. Stan and Cartman watch this exchange with open mouths and wide eyes. MR. HANKEY I reckon this could be a job for Mr. Hankey! INT. GYMNASIUM - NIGHT The townspeople are all still beating the shit out of each other, when suddenly, they hear a loud whistle. MR. HANKEY STOP FIGHTING!!! Everybody turns and sees little Mr. Hankey standing on the edge of the stage. MAYOR Oh my God, what the hell is that thing? MR. HANKEY Come on, gang, don't fight! The townspeople look at each other. MR. HANKEY You people have focused so hard on the things wrong with Christmas, that you've forgotten what's so right about it! Don't you see? This is the one time of year we're supposed to forget all the bad stuff. Stop being sad about the state of world... And for just one day, say 'Oh to heck with it! Let's sing and dance and bake cookies!' The townspeople just sit there. In shock. Silence... Finally, the sound of one person clapping echoes in the distance. Everyone turns to see Kyle's father, clapping softly, but slowly getting louder and faster. Kyle's Father claps even harder and then a few people join in... Then more people join in. Finally the whole auditorium erupts into glorious applause. They stand and cheer. Mr. Hankey smiles. STAN Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here. INT. SOUTH PARK MENTAL INSTITUTION - DAY Kyle is sitting in his padded cell all alone. A very sad Christmas. KYLE (Softly) I'm a Jew A lonely Jew But... what's that? JINGLE BELLS are heard in the distance. Kyle picks his head up and looks around. A little figure drops onto the windowsill. MR. HANKEY HOWDY HO, KYLE!!! Kyle rolls his eyes. KYLE Oh, no! I'm not sane yet. MR. HANKEY I brought some friends with me! KYLE Friends? Suddenly, the whole place illuminates with colorful lights and festive voices. Kyle looks down out of his window and sees that the ENTIRE TOWN has come and gathered in front of the mental institution. Kyle can't believe his eyes -- EVERYBODY is there with candles, trees, lights and joy. EVERYBODY MERRY CHRISTMAS KYLE BROFLOVSKI!! KYLE You mean you can see him?! I'M NOT CRAZY?! Kyle runs outside and joins the group, just as they all join hands and start to sing. ALL (Singing) Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo! He loves me! I love you! Therefore, vicariously, he loves you! Even if you're a Jew! Mr. Hankey bounces over and gives Kyle a big kiss. Kyle laughs, in spite of himself. SINGER Sometimes he's nutty! Sometimes he's corny! He can be brown or greenish brown! But if you eat fiber Christmas Eve He Might come to your town! Mr. Hankey stands on top of a roof and starts tossing out presents to all the townspeople. ALL MR. HANKEY THE CHRISTMAS POO, HE LOVES ME, I LOVE YOU..... Mr. Hankey jumps back down on the ground, and then starts hopping away. MR. HANKEY Well, I've got a LONG night ahead of me!! BYE, BYE! AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! CARTMAN Goodbye Mr. Hankey! Bring me lots of presents! I always believed in you!!! SANTA HOWDY HO, HO, HO... Mr. Hankey crosses a full moon and disappears. STAN You know, I learned something today. I learned that Jewish people are OK, and that Hanukkah can be cool too. The boys just stand there. KYLE Yeah, you know... It seems like something's still not right... Kyle looks around and focuses on Kenny, who is just standing there, looking fine. CARTMAN Yeah... Something feels unfinished. The boys look at Kenny. Kenny starts to look a little nervous. STAN Well, what could it be? The boys stare at Kenny as a TITLE FADES UP TITLE: THE END Kenny puts his arms up in victory and jumps up and down with the merriest holiday cheer ever. KENNY Mmmf mrrr rmmmm. Credits begin to roll. EXT. SOUTH PARK PUBLIC ACCESS STATION - NIGHT INT. TELEVISION SET - NIGHT Jesus sits at a large rectangular table (a la the last supper table) which is decorated with birthday goodies, on the set of 'Jesus and Pals'. Several places are set, but the chairs are empty. Jesus sits sadly in the middle with a birthday hat on his head, singing softly to himself. JESUS (Sadly) Happy birthday to me... Happy birthday to me... Jesus sighs and blows out his candles. Darkness. THE END