"SOUTH PARK" Episode 112 "Mecha Striesand" Written by Trey Parker, Philip Stark, and Matt Stone ACT I EXT. ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG - DAY The children are all gathered around a small Archaeological dig site. A plain looking Anthropologist talks to the boys and girls. ANTHROPOLOGIST And so, these ancient arrowheads are buried deep down in the Earth's crust! We dig 'em up, polish 'em off and find over twelve new arrowheads every month! CARTMAN Booorrrring. The kids all laugh. MR. GARRISON Eric, keep quiet! I'm trying to sleep! Garrison is lying on rock with a newspaper over his face. ANTHROPOLOGIST Now, can anybody tell me WHO left these arrowheads here? STAN (Hand raised) Isn't that YOUR job? ANTHROPOLOGIST Well, yes, but I want to see if you're learning anything. STAN (This is new) Oh. ANTHROPOLOGIST Okay, I tell you what, why don't we all grab our little anthropology pic axes that were handed out, and we'll dig for our very own Indian Arrowheads!! The kids all cheer and start digging. As Cartman swings his pic axe, he immediately starts to sing. CARTMAN (Singing) Day is never finished Masa got me working Some day masa set me free... STAN Dude, shut up, Cartman! PIP OOH! OOH! I think I found one!! But Cartman has hold of the other end. CARTMAN No, I found it! Cartman and Pip hold the large arrowhead by opposite ends. PIP Oh, I do believe I found it first. CARTMAN No, I did, Pip!! PIP Oh, dear... CARTMAN Well, guess we'll have to Roshambo for it. PIP What do you mean? CARTMAN Well, first I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can. Then you kick ME in the nuts as hard as YOU can. And we keep going back and forth until somebody falls. Last one standing gets the arrowhead. PIP Oh, my. Well, I suppose if I must... CARTMAN Okay, ready? I'll go first. Cartman takes a step and hauls off, kicking Pip square in the balls. Pip immediately turns blue and falls to the ground coughing. Cartman looks pleased. After Pip stops coughing, he finally manages to speak. PIP Well, I guess you win. CARTMAN Oh, I don't care, you can have the stupid arrowhead. I don't want it. Cartman tosses the arrowhead down to Pip, who is still lying painfully in the dirt. The kids all go back to digging. CARTMAN Day is never finished Masa got me working... Oh, look I found another one! Cartman cleans off the dirt, and sees that he is actually holding a large, stone triangle with ancient symbols and writing on it. CARTMAN Aw, this is just a stupid triangle! Cartman tosses the triangle over his shoulder. It hits the ground and Kyle picks it up. KYLE Woa, check it out, dude. It's got little drawings on it. Kyle holds up the large, stone triangle revealing that it does have a strange symbol on it. STAN What's is it? KYLE I don't know. Suddenly, the triangle lets out a small yellow glow. STAN Woa! KYLE That was cool! CARTMAN Hey, give me that back! KYLE You threw it away, Cartman! It's MINE now! CARTMAN We'll Roshambo for it. KYLE No way, fatty! It's mine!! CARTMAN Anthropologist!!!!!! The Anthropologist walks over. ANTHROPOLOGIST How's it going, boys? CARTMAN I found a magic triangle and this greedy son of a bitch took it from me!! KYLE You threw it away, fatso!! ANTHROPOLOGIST Let me see that. Kyle gives him the triangle. ANTHROPOLOGIST Why, this is Anastasi writing! My God, this must must be thousands of years old!! CARTMAN Come on! Let me kick you in the nuts for it!! INT. TELEVISION SET - NEWS STUDIO ANCHOR And finally tonight, a young boy from South Park, Colorado found something very interesting during a field trip today. Here with a special report is a quadriplegic Swiss man on a pony. EXT. ARCHAEOLOGICAL DIG - DAY A Quadriplegic Swiss man sits on a pony with another person holding a mic in front of his face. QUADRIPLEGIC FIREMAN ON PONY Thanks Tom, the little eight year old was very shocked indeed when he came across a very ancient triangular object. CUT TO: CLOSE UP on Kyle with a mic in his face. KYLE Well, I was just digging around and I was all like 'Dude, I found this triangle'. And my friends were all like, 'dude'. And I was all 'Dude'. CUT TO: CLOSE UP on Cartman with the mic on him. CARTMAN And I told him I said Kyle, I will kick you in the nuts. But he didn't give it back to me. So I kicked him square in the nuts... And he cried like Nancy Kerrigan. KYLE (O.S.) YOU LIAR, CARTMAN!!! CARTMAN Screw you, triangle thief!! QUADRIPLEGIC FIREMAN ON PONY And so the little boy will take his discovery home, and perhaps donate it to science... A little later. Back to you, Dave. INT. TELEVISION SET - NEWS STUDIO Back in the studio, the guy is at his desk, with a live image of the reporter behind him. ANCHOR Thanks, Tom. Those are some cute, cute kids. Except for that last one, he's a little tubby. The image WHIPS to Cartman. CARTMAN HEY!! EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY Establishing. INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY The boys walk into Kyle's house. STAN What are you gonna do with it, dude? KYLE I'm gonna put it in my room, where Cartman can't find it!! CARTMAN Oh I'll find it, don't worry!! Kyle goes into his room and slams the door. Cartman tries the knob, but the door is locked. CARTMAN Goddammit! Give my triangle! Kyle! Seriously! STAN You DID throw it away, Cartman. CARTMAN I was just setting it aside. STAN Well, you might as well let it go. CARTMAN Never! I'll get that triangle if it's the last thing I do!! INT. CAFETERIA - DAY Chef is in the kitchen, stirring up a large bowl of something indistinguishable. CHEF (Rap/Singing) Gimme a little bit of that pepper. Gimme a little bit of that salt. Put it in the skillet and cook it- VOICE Excuse me, sir... Chef turns around to see a plain looking man with a beard. CHEF Can I help -- Hey, you're that movie critic guy on TV! LEONARD MALTIN Leonard Maltin, yes. CHEF Well I'll be a teenage girl backstage at an Aerosmith concert! Leonard Maltin in MY cafeteria! I'm Chef. LEONARD MALTIN I know who you are. You must listen to me, Chef. We have precious little time. Have you seen Barbara Streisand recently? CHEF Barbara Streisand? You mean like, THE Barbara Streisand? LEONARD MALTIN (Snapping) HAVE YOU SEEN HER?!?! CHEF No! Not since Yentl! LEONARD MALTIN Thank God, then I'm not too late. CHEF Too late for what? Leonard steps closer to Chef. LEONARD MALTIN Chef, it is of the utmost importance that you tell me where those little boys from the news report on TV are. Chef thinks. CHEF Why do you care? EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY The boys are building a snowman. STAN I have a button we can use for his nose! KENNY Mph mm mrph mrph mm mph. KYLE What would you use a marble sack for? CARTMAN Be careful where you put that carrot. Kyle might steal it. KYLE I didn't STEAL anything. CARTMAN Stan, would you tell Kyle that I'm not speaking with him. KYLE GOOD!! A loud CHOPPING sound surprises the boys. They look around. CARTMAN What's that noise? Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a very large, black helicopter drops down from the sky. STAN Woa! CARTMAN AAGH!! ALIENS!! The helicopter lands, and a figure steps out from inside. She walks into the light, it is Barbara Streisand. MS. STREISAND Who is the boy I saw on the News report tonight? The other boys all point at Kyle. MS. STREISAND Hello there, little boy. Do you know who I am? KYLE No. Babs looks shocked. MS. STREISAND Oh I bet you do- (Singing) I'm going... Where there's lucky clovers in the sun... KYLE (Covering his ears) AGH! Stop that! STAN Yeah, that sucks, dude. Now Babs looks pissed off. MS. STREISAND I'm Barbara Streisand! STAN So. MS. STREISAND So?! (Composing herself) So... I'm a VERY famous and VERY important individual. STAN Like John Elway important? MS. STREISAND WHAT?! STAN Do you know John Elway? MS. STREISAND No! STAN (To the boys) Oh, so you're really famous and important but you don't know John Elway. Babs looks ready to kill. But she takes a deep breath and tries another approach. MS. STREISAND Look, little boy, I understand that you found a neat little triangle near here. You know what I'm talking about? KYLE (Suspicious) Yeah... CARTMAN No, I found it, HE stole it! KYLE YOU THREW IT AWAY, CARTMAN!!! CARTMAN (To Streisand) I'm not talking to him, because he's a dirty thief. Babs ignores this and kneels down next to Kyle. MS. STREISAND (Excited) Little boy, does the triangle have a symbol of two snakes joined at the middle? KYLE Yeah, how'd you know? Bab's eyes get huge. She takes in a deep breath, and looks into Kyle's eyes. MS. STREISAND Okay, now this is VERY important... Where is the Triangle of Zinthar now? KYLE Triangle of Zinthar? STAN Why do you want to know, lady? MS. STREISAND I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU, YOU PISSANT LITTLE HICK!!! STAN Woa, dude! Stan reels back. Babs grabs Kyle's arms and shakes him. MS. STREISAND WHERE IS THE TRIANGLE, DAMMIT? KYLE AGHAGH!! Just then Officer Barbrady steps up. OFFICER BARBRADY What seems to be the problemo, here? Babs let's go of Kyle, stands up and fixes her hair. MS. STREISAND Problemo? There's no problemo, Officer. I was just introducing myself to these... CHARMING little boys. CARTMAN Nu-uh! She was being a total bitch! Babs gets pissed again, but contains herself. OFFICER BARBRADY Boys shouldn't you be in school? STAN It's Saturday. OFFICER BARBRADY NO EXCUSES! MOVE ALONG YA LITTLE TROUBLE MAKERS!! The boys all look at each other and walk away. Babs and Barbrady are left alone. MS. STREISAND Well? OFFICER BARBRADY Well what? MS. STREISAND YOU know who I am, don't you? Barbrady looks her up and down. OFFICER BARBRADY Well, you ain't Fiona Apple. And if you ain't Fiona Apple I don't give a rat's ass. MS. STREISAND AAAGHGH!!!!! Streisand fumes and walks away. OFFICER BARBRADY Hoo! What a bitch! EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE Chef knocks on Kyle's door with Leonard Maltin. CHEF I guess he's not home, Leonard Maltin. LEONARD MALTIN Damn! Then we must look for them elsewhere! CHEF Now, come on, man! What is this all about?! LEONARD MALTIN If Barbara Streisand saw the same news report I did, then those boys are in grave danger... If YOU were Barbara Streisand, where would you be right now? Chef thinks... CHEF Hmmm... EXT. TOM'S RHINOPLASTY - DAY Establishing. EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE LEONARD MALTIN No, no! I mean where would she be staying? CHEF Oh... Uh, well, I always heard that Mrs. Streisand had her own four million dollar condominium up near the ski slope. LEONARD MALTIN Where?! CHEF I don't know, it was just a rumor! LEONARD MALTIN Dammit, man, where is your car?!?! EXT. BARBARA STREISAND'S 4 MILLION DOLLAR MOUNTAIN CONDO A huge, all glass immaculate condo sits perched on a mountain above South Park. A TITLE reads 'Barbara Streisand's Four Million Dollar Mountain Condo'. INT. BARBARA STREISAND'S 4 MILLION DOLLAR MOUNTAIN CONDO Babs stands on her balcony overlooking the town and tapping her fingers much like the Grinch. MS. STREISAND He has it Milo... That little bastard has the triangle. MILO Are you sure? MS. STREISAND I'm sure! He knew about the symbol of Krulock!! Bab's walks into the living room. Milo follows her. MILO Then why don't we go get it? MS. STREISAND A cop showed up. He's a clever one. I can't blow everything now that I'm this close. Everything must be handled very carefully. Now babs walks over to a bookcase and hits a button on it. Immediately, the bookcase spins around and a huge, hidden glass case reveals itself. MS. STREISAND How many years has it been, Milo? Thirty? Forty? Streisand walks up to the case and peers in. MS. STREISAND For so long I have waited to find the other triangle... We ZOOM in on the glass case. Inside, in a very strange display, is a small, blue triangle. An empty space next to it, awaits another triangle... Kyle's Triangle. MS. STREISAND And now I am so close... The dawn of Zinthar is close at hand!!!! Babs starts a horrible, maniacal laugh. FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK ACT II EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT Establishing. INT. KYLE'S HOUSE The inside of Kyle's house is lit softly by moonlight. PAN ACROSS Kyle's room. Kyle is sleeping soundly in his bed. PAN ACROSS further, where we see the triangle displayed proudly on Kyle's dresser. A STRANGE SOUND cues the camera to TILT UP to the ceiling, where a circle is being cut by a blue flame. The circle completes, and the piece of ceiling falls to the floor. Kyle turns a little, but stays asleep. Now a rope falls from the ceiling, and a figure, dressed all in black, slides down it. We see through the masked eyes of this person. It looks over at Kyle, who tosses and turns, then back to the triangle. It nears the triangle, reaches its black gloved hand towards it... IKE BABA MAMA BABA MA!!!! The figure is startled, and knocks over a glass framed picture on Kyle's dresser. It hits the ground. SMASH!!!!! Kyle jolts awake. Ike jumps in front of the figure. KYLE Cartman?! Cartman takes off his black mask. CARTMAN You scared the crap out of me, Ike! KYLE What the hell are you doing?! CARTMAN I'm trying to get my triangle -- Wait a minute, I'm not talking to you! Cartman turns to Ike. CARTMAN Ike, will you tell Kyle that I was just trying to get MY triangle back?!! IKE Baba simi babangle ba. KYLE Well Ike, YOU can tell CARTMAN that it's MY TRIANGLE!! IKE Baba MY babamama. CARTMAN Well, you can tell Kyle he's a dirty goddamn son of a bitch!! IKE Koyle a goddam sonna ba. KYLE Alright, alright! If it means that much to you, TAKE the stupid triangle!! CARTMAN Huh? Kyle storms over to the dresser and picks up the triangle. KYLE If it'll make you leave me alone, then just take the damn thing, here!! Kyle hands Cartman the triangle. Cartman is speechless. KYLE There! Now get out of my house and I hope you feel really, REALLY good about yourself! Cartman thinks. CARTMAN Hell yeah I do! I got the triangle! Cartman happily walks out. Kyle jumps back in bed and pulls the blanket over his head. CARTMAN (Offscreen in distance) I got the tri-angle! I got the tri- angle! EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD Chef's family car drives up the snowpacked mountain road. INT. CHEF'S CAR LEONARD MALTIN Are you sure Barbara Streisand has a condo up here? CHEF It was just a rumor... A lot of big celebrities have mountain condos. LEONARD MALTIN Then we've got to keep looking... Chef stops the car. CHEF Alright, Leonard Maltin, this has gone far enough! I ain't driving another mile until you tell me what this is all about!! Leonard Maltin takes a deep breath. LEONARD MALTIN Haven't you ever been curious about the insanity Barbara Streisand exhibits? CHEF Well, I always heard she was kind of a bitch, but- LEONARD MALTIN MORE THAN A BITCH, Mr. Chef!! She is a calculating, self-centered egotistical... bitch. She was born in a small town, her mother was a Jackel and her father was an insurance salesman! CHEF (He gets a chill) Woo... Insurance salesman? LEONARD MALTIN (Rapidly) When she was five, she knew that she wanted to be a famous singer. But by the time she was six, her ambitions became to rule the universe. She learned of an ancient diamond. The diamond of Pantheous. CHEF Okay, you know what? Never mind. I don't need to know all this -- forget I asked. Chef starts to drive again. LEONARD MALTIN (Very quickly) Before she was seven, the keepers of Pantheous learned of this insane little girl's wish. The diamond was split up and buried at opposite ends of the world. But then, during the shooting of My Fair Lady, Barbara Streisand found one of the triangles... CHEF And the other triangle is the one that little Kyle has? LEONARD MALTIN Yes... Mr. Chef, if Babs gets a hold of that other triangle, she will fulfill her prophecy and become the most threatening thing ever known to mankind... ZOOM IN on Leonard Maltin. LEONARD MALTIN MECHA-STREISAND. CHEF Mecha-Streisand? Oh man, I don't know what the hell that means, but it doesn't sound good! EXT. BUSSTOP - MORNING The boys are waiting for the bus to come. STAN Man, the bus sure is late. CARTMAN Hmmm, I wonder what I should do with MY triangle, now that it is MY triangle... KYLE Dammit, Cartman! I gave it to you so you would SHUT UP!! Just then, a nice, tan Honda Accord four door pulls up, and a strange looking person gets out. Actually, it's just Barbara Streisand wearing groucho glasses with a mustache. She talks with a ridiculously disguised voice. DISGUISED BABS Oh, hello there little boys. How are you today? STAN Fine. DISGUISED BABS That is great. My name is Mrs. Jones. And I am a very friendly, nice person. The boys don't respond. DISGUISED BABS I hear that one of you found my triangle. KYLE YOUR triangle? DISGUISED BABS Yes. You see, that triangle is part of my Kidney Dialysis machine. I'm so glad you found it, because without it, I was sure to die within hours. CARTMAN Oh no you don't! Finders keepers! DISGUISED BABS But I'll die! CARTMAN Well I guess we'll have to Roshambo for it. I'll kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me square in the nuts as hard as you can. DISGUISED BABS I want to give you a BIG cash reward for finding it. It's worth a lot of money to me. CARTMAN It is?! STAN Hey, no wonder that Barbara Streisand lady wanted it! Babs eyes get wide. DISGUISED BABS Oh, ha, ha... Who is that? KYLE Oh, just this really, really old lady who wishes she was still only forty-five. The boys all laugh. Babs gets furious. STAN Yeah! And you should have seen her nose, it was big enough to land Stealth Bombers on! The boys laugh harder. Babs starts shaking with anger. CARTMAN Yeah, and talk about a bitch! I haven't seen- DISGUISED BABS (Screaming) ENOUGH!!! The boys all reel back. DISGUISED BABS (Getting back in character) Uh, ha-ha... Anyway, if you'll come with me in my car, I'll take you up to my condo where I'll kill you -- I mean -- give you money for the triangle. CARTMAN Sweet! I'm gonna be rich!! Bet you wish you wouldn't have given me back that triangle NOW, huh, Kyle! DUMBASS! Cartman follows Barbara to her car. The other boys shrug and follow too. KYLE Wait, isn't there some rule about not getting into cars with Strangers? CARTMAN No, not when money is involved, stupid! EXT. HOLLYWOOD STUDIO - DAY Establishing shot of a lush, Hollywood Studio. INT. HOLLYWOOD STUDIO - DAY A large film crew is shooting around a large set of a living room. DIRECTOR And... ACTION!! Two actors, SIDNEY POITIER and SALLY STRUTHERS are doing a scene together. SIDNEY POITIER Rebecca, I'm a man. A man like any other, with dreams and emotions. And that's why I'll NEVER put a foreign object up my ass. DIRECTOR Cut! Great, print that! Excellent work, Sid. Take five guys, let's set up for the next shot. Sidney Poiter goes into his dressing room. The star on his door does tell us this IS Sidney Poitier. INT. SIDNEY POITIER'S DRESSING ROOM Sidney walks in and plops down in front of his make-up table. VOICES HELLO?! SIDNEY POITIER Ho? Sidney looks down on his make-up table where two very small Japanese girls are standing in an oyster shell. JAPANESE TWINS You must hurry. A young man has found the Triangle of Zinthar! SIDNEY POITIER Where?! JAPANESE TWINS A small, pissant white-bread mountain town in Colorado called 'South Park'. SIDNEY POITIER Excellent... Sidney smiles, is he evil or good? INT. BARBARA'S CONDO - DAY Barbara is back to her normal, bitchy self. MS. STREISAND Soon, the triangle of Zinthar will be mine, and I WILL BE THE BIGGEST, MOST FAMOUS PERSON EVER!!!! The boys are all chained to the wall. The have shackles around their ankles and wrists. Cartman is in the middle, hooked up to some kind of torture device. CARTMAN Let me go! Seriously! STAN Yeah! Let us go!! MS. STREISAND You fools have no idea the powers that you are meddling with! I'll teach you to meddle with MY TRIANGLE!! Barbara pulls a lever. The ropes holding Cartman start to pull him apart. CARTMAN AGHAGH!!!! IT'S NOT MY TRIANGLE!! IT'S KYLE'S!!!! KYLE HEY! DON'T TRY TO PASS IT BACK ON ME, FAT ASS!! CARTMAN (Still being pulled apart) SCREW YOU, HIPPIE!! The torture continues. Cartman gets stretched further. BARBARA STREISAND WHERE IS THE TRIANGLE OF ZINTHAR?! CARTMAN I don't remember! KYLE Goddammit, tell her!! I wanna go home!! BARBARA STREISAND Well... Maybe THIS will help JAR YOUR MEMORY- CARTMAN No! Don't! BARBARA STREISAND (Singing) There's a place for us... CARTMAN AGHAGHAAHHH!!!!!!!!!! The boys all shake and struggle to break free. MS. STREISAND (Music stops) NOW do you remember?!?! The boys all gasp for breath, as if they've all been beaten severely. CARTMAN Damn your black heart, Barbara Streisand!! STAN I don't know how much more I can take, dude. MS. STREISAND Alright, YOU ASKED FOR IT!!! (Singing) I'm gonna tell you now... BOYS NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! INT. CHEF'S CAR Chef and Leonard Maltin are still driving. CHEF I don't know, man... Maybe Barbara Streisand doesn't have a place up here after all. LEONARD MALTIN Looks like we'll have to go to plan B. CHEF There's a plan B? Why the hell have we been driving around all night and day for when there's a plan B?!?! LEONARD MALTIN Have you ever heard of the band called 'The Cure'? CHEF Oh, come on. Don't tell me The Cure has something to do with this too! LEONARD MALTIN No, no... Just the lead singer. AGH!! Suddenly, Leonard Maltin grabs his temples. LEONARD MALTIN AGH!! CHEF Woa, what's the matter, Leonard Maltin?! LEONARD MALTIN She's close! She's very close! I can feel her. CHEF Where?! LEONARD MALTIN She has the boys! They're in trouble!! CHEF Oh, fudge!! LEONARD MALTIN Keep going this way, hurry!! Chef turns a corner and speeds up. INT. BARBARA STREISAND'S 4 MILLION DOLLAR MOUNTAIN CONDO BARBARA STREISAND (Singing) Happiness with you is like happiness with... BOYS AAGHAGHAG!!!! STAN OKAY! OKAY! I'LL TELL YOU WHERE THE TRIANGLE IS!!! Babs stops singing. CARTMAN IT'S INSIDE MY SHOE!! Milo dashes over and takes off Cartman's shoe. As soon as he does, the boys all react to the smell. KYLE Oh, for Christ's sake Cartman! When's the last time you changed your socks?! CARTMAN And I suppose YOUR socks smell like the botanical gardens! Milo takes the triangle over to Babs. She holds it up and looks at it with awe. BARBARA STREISAND Finally, the triangle is mine!! Barbara storms over to the glass case and hits a button on top. BARBARA STREISAND After centuries of waiting, I finally have the triangle of Zinthar!!! She reaches into the case and grabs the other triangle. BARBARA STREISAND NOW THE DIAMOND OF PANTHEOS IS COMPLETE!!! She slips the smaller blue triangle into the other triangle. Immediately, the pair LOCK together and begin to spin, the levitate of the ground in between the kids and Barbara Striesand. BARBARA STREISAND SUGOI! KONO HI WA ATARASHII HAJIMARU DA!! IMA KARA ATASHI NO NAMAE WA... A FLASH of brilliant bright light and a laser shoot from the levitating triangles. STAN Woa dude!! It hits Barbara Streisand right in the chest. Instantly she starts to grow. She busts right out of the roof of her condo and keeps growing. She keeps growing and expanding until she is a 800 FOOT TALL HUGE METALLIC MONSTER BARBARA STREISAND! MECHA STREISAND MECHA-BARBARA STREISAND DA!!!! Mecha-Babs lets out a tremendous ROAR! and walks off towards South Park leaving the boys chained up in the roofless condo. STAN Dude, this is pretty fucked up, right here. EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY We see several of the little buildings, one of which is Jimbo's gun shop. Silence... Then FWOOM!!! A HUGE, MECHA FOOT Stomps on the building, shattering it to bits. BOOM UP to reveal Mecha Streisand in a typical Godzilla pose. MECHA STREISAND EYAAA!! ARGH!!! JIMBO Holy crap, Ned! That's the biggest goddamn deer I've ever SEEN!! SECOND COMMERCIAL BREAK ACT III EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY A normal looking NEWS REPORTER stands in front of South Park avenue. All is very peaceful and quiet. NEWS REPORTER And so, just weeks after the devastating attack of Mutant Genetic creatures, zombies and Thanksgiving Turkeys, The town of South Park has managed to rebuild itself, once again becoming- KRAAA!!! Townspeople of South Park run screaming as Mecha Barbara makes her way down South Park avenue, destroying all the buildings as she goes. NEWS REPORTER Oh, goddammit not again... Barbara easily destroys the buildings on South Park avenue. People run screaming as a Japanese-style song takes over the audio. JAPANESE SINGER Bar-Boo-RA!! Bar-Boo-RA!!! Ichiban kirai no hito!! BA-BOO-RA!! BA BOO- RA!!! Hana ga OOKII!!!! INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY We are looking towards the Mayor's desk and Window. The Mayor is standing with her back to us looking out the window. In the Window, we can see Mecha-Streisand destroying the town. Now angle reverses and we see the Mayor's shocked face with wide open jaw. In the background, the door opens and one of the aides pops his head in. AIDE Mayor! Barbara Streisand is- MAYOR (Still staring out window) I noticed!!! CALL THE NATIONAL GUARD!!! The aide dashes off, closing the door. The Mayor keeps looking out the window as we hear SCREAMING, SIRENS and CRASHES in the distance. MAYOR We'll get you, you bitch... And to think, I actually WATCHED your HBO special... INT. BARBARA STREISAND'S 4 MILLION DOLLAR MOUNTAIN CONDO Chef and Leonard Maltin run into Barbara's evil lair, where the boys are still chained to the wall. CHEF CHILDREN!! BOYS CHEF!!! LEONARD MALTIN Oh, no! Leonard stands next to the broken case where the triangles once were. LEONARD MALTIN She has joined the two triangles? CARTMAN YEAH! SHE STOLE MY TRIANGLE! STAN Get us down from here!! Chef runs up to the boys and tries to free them. CHEF (Struggling) I can't break these locks!! LEONARD MALTIN Stand back, Chef! Chef takes a step away. Leonard Maltin gets in a martial arts pose. LEONARD MALTIN (Japanese Accent) MARUTIN RAY!! Suddenly, red lasers shoot out of Leonard Maltin's eyes, strike the chains and free the boys. KYLE Woa! That was cool!! LEONARD MALTIN I've got to go after Mecha-Streisand! Chef, I need you to call Robert Smith of The Cure at this number. STAN Robert Smith?! Sweet!!! INT. RECORDING STUDIO - ENGLAND In the FOREGROUND a red telephone rings. ROBERT SMITH of The Cure walks over and picks up the phone. ROBERT SMITH Hello? CHEF Uh, yes, is this Robert Smith of the Cure? ROBERT SMITH Yes it is. CHEF This may sound kind of strange, but Leonard Maltin asked me to call you. Suddenly, Robert Smith's expression becomes very dismal. (More than usual). ROBERT SMITH Oh, Barbara Streisand's found the other triangle, eh? Chef looks suprised. EXT. DENVER - DAY The national guard has turned out to try and fight Mecha Babs. CAPTAIN Alright, men!! Give her everything you've got!! A row of tanks pulls up in front of Mecha-Babs and starts firing missles at her. They seem to have no effect. Five army helicopters fly in front of Mecha-Streisand's face. INT. ONE OF THE HELICOPTERS Jimbo is holding a large rocket launcher as Ned Pilot's the helicopter. JIMBO GET AROUND SIDE HER, NED!! I CAN'T GET A SHOT IN FROM HERE!! NED Okay. They fly up near Bab's scary face, her huge eye looks at them with anger. NED (Flatly) Aaagh. Aaaagh. I'm scared. EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY Mecha-Babs looks at the helicopter with Jimbo and Ned inside just as Jimbo fires his rocket launcher. Babs reels back only slightly from the rocket's impact, then with a huge ROAR swings her large mechanical arm at the helicopter, sending it spinning to the ground. JAPANESE SINGER Ba-Boo-RA!! Ba-Boo-RA!! Sugoi na Bitchu da!!! CAPTAIN It's no use!! Our firepower has no effect!! Suddenly, Kyle's mother comes running up. KYLE'S MOTHER Oh my God! It IS YOU!!! Mecha-Barbara looks down. KYLE'S MOTHER Oh I am SUCH a huge fan, Ms. Streisand!! I never thought I'd live to see you in person!! MECHA STREISAND KRAGHGHGH!!!! KYLE'S MOTHER I hate to ask this, but, could I get an autograph? My sister would DIE! MECHA STREISAND KRAGHGHG!!! Mecha-Streisand leans down, picks up the small pen and head shot from kyle's mother, signs it, and hands it back. KYLE'S MOTHER Oh thank you, Ms. Streisand!! MECHA STREISAND GRAGHGHGH!!!! Mecha Streisand stomps on a couple more buildings and lays waste to the entire town of South Park! Buildings, cars and trains are thrown around like toys. MR. GARRISON We're doomed!! Goodbye, Mr. Hat! JAPANESE SINGER BA-BOO-RA!!! BA-BOO-RA!!! Mecha-Babs lets out a huge cry, then continues through the town. LEONARD MALTIN BARBARA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Babs stops and looks down at the ground, where Leonard Maltin stands in front of her. BABS almost looks scared for a moment... Then lets out a loud cry. Leonard Maltin crosses his arms over his chest. LEONARD MALTIN KITTE! KITTE! CHURI-PU!!! Suddenly, Leonard Maltin starts to grow!! Babs watches in shock as Leonard Maltin becomes ULTRA-LEONARD MALTIN!! JAPANESE VOICE (Out of nowhere) ULLLTURAAA MARUTIN!!!! Finally, when Leonard is the same size as Babs, he gets in a Kung-Fu fighting stance. Babs gets in a stance of her own, and the two start fighting each other. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY Chef and the boys come running in to see Mecha-Streisand and Ultra-Maltin fighting. Everything around them is burning and crashing to the ground. CHEF Look out, children!! Mecha-Streisand's huge foot crashes down next to Kenny and smashes a car. People run through frame, screaming. A flaming storefront then crashes down, the boys jump out of the way, just in time. Just then, Kenny walks over to a Tetherball pole and boredly hits the ball. The rope to the ball gets caught around Kenny's neck, and Kenny gets strangled up next to the pole. Kenny turns blue, then purple, then pink. Mecha-Streisand hits Ultra-Maltin and his huge body falls to the ground, just missing Chef and the boys. Kyle turns around and sees Kenny, wrapped around the Tetherball pole. STAN Oh my God!! They killed Kenny!! KYLE You bastards!! Suddenly, an older black man flies down next to Chef. SIDNEY POITIER What's going on, here?! CHEF Sidney Poitier?!?! SIDNEY POITIER That's right, I'm Sidney Poitier. CHEF Damn man, it's nice to meet you! THE Sidney Poitier in MY home town!! SIDNEY POITIER Barbara Streisand has found the triangle of Zinthar? CHEF Yup. She's made the diamond of Pantheos, alright. SIDNEY POITIER KOO_RA KOO RA SUKI!!! Sidney Poitier turns into a Gamera-turtle thing Sidney Poitier and flies over to help Leonard Maltin do battle. JAPANESE SINGER MEGA POITIER!! MEGA POITIER!! SUGOI KUROI DA NE!!! MEGA POITIER!! MEGA POITIER!! Chef looks to his right, where we actually see the Japanese singer, in a suit, singing into a microphone. CHEF Is that really necessary? EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY Now shit is REALLY going down. The boys watch in awe as Helicopters, tanks and missles fly at Mecha-Babs as she wrestles and fights with both Ultra Maltin and Mega-Poitier. Mecha-Streisand is the obvious stronger, as she picks up Mega Poitier, spins him over her head and throws him over the mountains. Ultra-Maltin tries his eye lasers, but Mecha-Babs just puts out her hand, and stops them easily. Then she tilts her head back, and shoots BIGGER lasers out her nose, which strike Leonard Maltin and send him flying backwards in pain. Mecha-Babs throws her arms up in victory. CHEF It's over... She's too strong for them children. We'll have to leave town. CARTMAN Make it go away!! I hate Barbara Streisand! I hate her!! STAN My mom always said there are no monsters, but there are, aren't there, Chef... CHEF We have to say goodbye to South Park... Mecha-Babs continues her havoc. Just then, Robert Smith walks up to Chef and the boys. ROBERT SMITH Am I too late? CHEF Who are you? STAN Dude! That's Robert Smith of The Cure! CARTMAN Sweet!! ROBERT SMITH Here, you boys hold this walkie. You can help me fight her. Robert hands the boys a small walkie talkie. CHEF You can try Robert Smith, but that thing just beat the crap out of Leonard Maltin AND Sidney Poitier!! ROBERT SMITH I have to try. I can't let Barbara Streisand do this to the entire world. Robert Smith spins around... JAPANESE SINGER ROB-ATO SUMISU!! ROB-ATO SUMISU!! Mecha-Babs turns around and sees the thriving metropolis of Denver in the distance. She smiles a big mechanical smile and heads towards it. But then, behind her another huge figure appears. It is Mothora Robert Smith!!! Now Babs looks really, really scared. Robert opens his huge mouth and lets out one of his high pitched screams. Babs tries to cover her ears as windows all over the buildings still standing shatter. Mecha-Babs retaliates with her own high pitched note. Robert covers his ears and even more windows break. Stan has the little talkie around his wrist. Leonard Maltin, back to normal size and looking severely beaten, walks up next to the boys. LEONARD MALTIN We must tell him that her weak point is the nose... Stan talks into the walkie. STAN Robert Smith, hit her nose. Use Robot punch! The huge Robert Smith looks down at Stan and nods. Just then Mecha-Babs charges Smith!! But Smith hits a switch on his arm which sends the end of his arm flying!! It hits Babs square in the nose. Babs reels back with a horrific scream. The Diamond of Pantheos flies out of her nose and lands right at Kyle's feet. KYLE The diamond of Pantheos!! She must be powerless now!! STAN (Into walkie) Quickly, Robert Smith, she's powerless!! Robert runs up to the Dazed Mecha-Streisand and grabs her by the mechanical tail. He spins her round and round and round... JAPANESE SINGER ROBAT-O SUMISU!! ROBAT-O SUMISU!!! Finally, after gaining enough momentum, Robert lets go. And Mecha-Streisand goes flying into outer space. EXT. SPACE Mecha-Streisand flies outward from Earth and continues on past the moon. She lets out a horrific cry. As her huge body gets past the moon, it explodes like a nuclear bomb. Body pieces flying everywhere. EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY The explosion in the sky looks beautiful from South Park. Like a huge firework. STAN He DID IT!!! KYLE NO MORE BARBARA STREISAND EVER!!! STAN Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person that ever lived!! JESUS Our Savior!! Robert Smith shrinks back to normal size. ROBERT SMITH Can I have my walkie talkie back now, please? Cartman is holding it now. CARTMAN No way! You gave it to us!! It's MINE now!! ROBERT SMITH Alright, I'll Roshambo you for it. CARTMAN Huh? Robert Smith kicks Cartman in the nuts. Robert Smith walks away. CHEF Hey, where is he going? STAN Goodbye Robert Smith!!! CARTMAN Thank you for your help. Visit us again. KYLE 'Disinigration' is the best album ever!! Robert Smith walks away to the setting sun. COMMERCIAL BREAK #3 INT. KYLE'S HOUSE Kyle has the two triangles of Zinthar. STAN Well, what should we do with the two triangles now? KYLE We've got to get rid of them. NOBODY should have the kind of power Barbara Streisand wanted. Kyle throws the triangles in the trash. STAN Well, at least I have this sweet walkie talkie Robert Smith gave me. CARTMAN No! That's MY walkie-talkie! He gave it to ME!! KYLE Dammit, Cartman don't you ever learn anything?! In the back ground, Ike hops over to the trash and reaches in. CARTMAN Come on, Stan! it's MINE! I'll Roshambo you for it! STAN Go to hell, Cartman! The boys walk outside as Ike picks the two triangles out of the trash. EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE KYLE Well, that whole experience sure did suck. STAN Yeah, I'm sure glad that's over with! KYLE But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always... end up dead. STAN Yeah. CARTMAN Yes, and I've learned something too. Robert Smith kicks ass. The ground rumbles. The boys look around in panic. CARTMAN Oh, no!! She's back!!! STAN Oh my God! LOOK!! A HUGE, HUGE IKE steps out from behind the house. BOYS AGHGHGH!!!!! MECHA-IKE!!!! THE END