"SOUTH PARK" Episode 201 "Terrance & Phillip in "Not Without My Anus" Written by Trisha Nixon and Trey Parker ACT ONE NARRATOR Since the last South Park, you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now finally the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage... Will not be seen tonight so that we can bring you the following Special Presentation. Black screen with super serious MOW music with the titles rolling... NARRATOR Now, get ready for Canada's hottest action stars. Terrance and Phillip. The HBC movie of the week. Not Without My Anus, based on a true story. "TERRANCE AND PHILLIP PRESENT, TERRANCE AND PHILLIP IN, TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S "NOT WITHOUT MY ANUS." FADE IN: EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY It's a high, sweeping, super serious MOW shot. INT. COURTROOM - DAY The Prosecuting Attorney, SCOTT, is standing before a jury. PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT Ladies and gentleman, before you today sits a murderer. On the night in question, this monster entered the home of Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer and struck him repeatedly in the head with this hammer. The Prosecutor holds up a hammer. It has blood and hair all over it. PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT That monster is sitting right over there and his name is Terrance! He points to the defense table where Terrance sits and shrugs nonchalantly and then lifts his ass cheek to fart. His defense attorney, Phillip, laughs. PHILLIP Oh, Terrance, you've farted in court. TERRANCE Yes, Phillip, I'm making a case for our defense! Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily. The Prosecutor continues, pacing in front of the jury. He has before him an endless table of physical evidence. PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT All of these things link Terrance to the murder. Hair fibers, blood samples, nail clippings, a piece of his shirt... He holds up the fabric. Terrance casually covers the rip on his sleeve and smiles at the jury. PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT A watch with his initials on it, a dayplanner with the murder scheduled... The prosecutor holds up the dayplanner page. It has a skull and crossbones and says, "Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer 7:30. Dinner with the McCullough's 8:15." PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT ...a haiku called Time To Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer (counting the syllables on his hand as he reads) "Doctor O'Dwyer, Time to have your head smashed in, with my new hammer." Terrance shrugs. PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon but you're not God! Do you think you're God?! J'accuse, Terrance! With a big dramatic fingerpoint, we pan quickly over to Terrance. He smiles at the jury, then farts. TERRANCE Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip? PHILLIP Yes, please. Terrance lifts his ass cheek and farts a different sounding fart. TERRANCE That's called the monkey claw because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys! PHILLIP The monkey claw is smelly! Terrance laughs. The OLD BLACK FEMALE JUDGE smacks her gavel and speaks in a slow, drowsy southern-Canadian drawl like a hillbilly bear. OLD BLACK FEMALE JUDGE Come on, get a move on. I ain't gettin' any younger up here. PHILLIP My sentiments exactly, your honor. I see from your accent that you're Southern-Canadian. OLD BLACK FEMALE JUDGE That is correct. Phillip stands and addresses the jury. PHILLIP Good people of the jury. My client, Terrance, is an innocent man. Phillip farts. TERRANCE Oh, Phillip, now you've farted during the closing argument. PHILLIP I have, haven't I, Terrance? He farts again. The jurors start to smile. PROSECUTING ATTORNEY SCOTT Your honor, the defense is trying to make a mockery of this court! They think that farts are funny!! But they're not!! OLD BLACK FEMALE JUDGE Sustained. PHILLIP Good people of the jury. My client, Terrance, is no more a murderer than you or me. He loves puppies and hates mean things. He shows a picture of Terrance giving a carrot to a llama. PHILLIP Would a murderer go to the zoo and feed animals like this? Of course not. So, in summation, find Terrance innocent... Or else he'll KILL you!! The jury gasps. PHILLIP Ha, ha! Just kidding! Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily. PHILLIP The defense rests. Phillip crosses to his chair. He stops and farts on the Prosecutor again as he passes. SCOTT God dammit! That isn't funny!! JUDGE Madame foreperson, have you reached a verdict so we can get hell out of here? FOREPERSON/WOMAN We have, your honor. We have found Terrance, in the above entitled action of murder against Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer... Just then, Terrance lets a huge fart rip and it drowns out the verdict. He and Phillip roar with laughter. Everyone looks around confused. JUDGE You're gonna have to repeat that verdict because we had some flatulence issues. FOREPERSON/WOMAN I said, we find Terrance... Terrance lets another one rip. We still can't hear the verdict. He and Phillip laugh their asses off and fart. The forewoman screams in between farts. FOREPERSON/WOMAN We find Terrance... Not guilty! Terrance hugs Phillip. PHILLIP Did you hear that, Terrance. You're not guilty! TERRANCE Oh, Phillip, you've saved me from the GAS chamber!! Terrance and Phillip think aboot this for a long time... Then finally break out laughing. PHILLIP Oh, HA HA HA!!! They laugh, fart and hug. Scott, the prosecuting attorney, broods. EXT. COURTHOUSE STEPS - LATER Phillip and Terrance walk down the steps toward the parking lot. We can see the big, Canadian flag behind them. Lots of REPORTERS and PROTESTERS are gathered out front. TERRANCE That sure was fun Phillip, let's go home and eat Kraft Dinner! PHILLIP Here, here! Scott, the Prosecuting Attorney, emerges. SCOTT Well, looks like you got you got away with it, Terrance and Phillip! PHILLIP Oh, hello, Scott. No hard feelings, right ol' pal? SCOTT There ARE hard feelings!! THIS ISN'T OVER!! I'M GOING TO SEE TO IT THAT YOU BOTH PAY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE!! AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?!?! PHILLIP 'Cause you're a dick? SCOTT NO! Because I hate you! You think farting is so funny! Well it isn't! Fart jokes are the lowest form of comedy, and -- Phillip farts, they laugh. SCOTT AGH!!! I hate you both!! I've hated you ever since I can remember, I hate you, and I wish you both had cancer. PHILLIP Cancer? SCOTT Yes. In the head. TERRANCE Head cancer? SCOTT This is NOT the end TERRANCE AND PHILLIP! YOU'LL RUE THIS DAY!!! Scott walks away. TERRANCE Wow! Scott really hates us, Phillip. PHILLIP Yes, perhaps he's homophobic. Terrance thinks. TERRANCE But we're not gay, Phillip. PHILLIP We're not? TERRANCE Well, let us board the subway and return home. There we can eat Kraft dinner. PHILLIP Yes, It's been a long day. And only Kraft dinner can calm my nerves. INT. CANADIAN SUBWAY Terrance and Phillip sit side by side on the subway as it goes in and out of tunnels. Going light to dark to light again... Ta-chink, ta-chink, ta-chink... Finally, Phillip rips a fart, and both Terrance and Phillip laugh hysterically. TERRANCE Say Phillip, why does Scott always try to convict me of murder? He does it every week. PHILLIP He sure does seem to hate us. I wonder what he'll try to do next? TERRANCE God only knows. PHILLIP The subway certainly is wonderful Terrance. TERRANCE It sure is. Let's look for treasure. PHILLIP Yes, let's look for treasure. Terrance and Phillip look around their immediate area. Half- assedly turning over seat covers. INT. SCOTT'S HOUSE Scott answers his ringing phone. SCOTT Hello? SADDAM Hello, is this Scott from Canada? SCOTT Yes. SADDAM You're a journalist, right? SCOTT Yes, I'm a television critic for magazines. VOICE I understand that you hate Terrance and Phillip. SCOTT Yes, Yes I do! They think that fart jokes are a sophisticated form of comedy, but they're not! VOICE Well, what if I were to help you get rid of them once and for all? SCOTT Who IS this? VOICE Let's just say... INT. SADDAM'S PRESIDENTIAL PALACE SADDAM That I'm someone who can help you, if you help me. Just call me your ol' pal Saddam Hussein. SCOTT Saddam Hussein? The Iraqi dictator?! SADDAM Hey, relax guy. I'm just your average Joe. Take a rest. SCOTT What do you want? SADDAM You want Terrance and Phillip OUT of Canada, I want you to bring me and my friends IN to Canada. That sounds like a fair trade doesn't it. Super, let's get started. SCOTT I'm not sure that I should trust you. SADDAM Hey, relax, guy! Trust me FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK EXT. TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE - DAY The men walk towards their humble home. TERRANCE Well, it's too bad we didn't find any treasure on the subway, Phillip. Just then, another character who looks JUST LIKE Terrance and Phillip walks in. PHILLIP Oh hello, ugly Bob. UGLY BOB Hello, Terrance. Hello, Phillip. TERRANCE My God you're looking hideously ugly today, Ugly Bob. UGLY BOB How come you guys say stuff like that? TERRANCE Because you're God damned ugly, Bob. UGLY BOB I know, but -- PHILLIP Ugly Bob, your face looks like somebody tried to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver. UGLY BOB I can't help how I look. Besides, it's not what's on the outside that matters, it's what's on the inside. TERRANCE No it isn't. Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily. TERRANCE Wanna see what's on the inside of me? Terrance farts. They laugh. PHILLIP Wait, wait! I've got an idea! Why don't you put this paper bag over your head, Ugly Bob? Phillip pulls out a large brown paper bag. TERRANCE Yes, if people can't see your face, they won't know how wretchedly ugly you are! UGLY BOB Really? Ugly Bob puts the paper bag over his head. UGLY BOB Hey, thanks you guys. Maybe now I can score with chicks. TERRANCE Sure you can, Ugly Bob, if they can't see how horribly disfigured you are, they'll want to sleep with you. UGLY BOB Thanks, you guys. Ugly Bob leaves, Terrance and Phillip head into their house. INT. TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE The men walk in. PHILLIP Hello, Barkie! Hello, Purry! Terrance and Phillip's dog and cat bark and meow respectively. PHILLIP Say, Terrance, I was just aboot to make some Kraft dinner. Would you like some? TERRANCE You know I never turn down Kraft Dinner, Phillip. Terrance crosses the room. TERRANCE I'm going to go put on a pirate costume. The doorbell rings, Phillip answers it. A DELIVERY MAN enters with a letter. DELIVERY MAN Special delivery for Terrance. TERRANCE I'll take that. DELIVERY MAN Sign here. And here. And here. And here. And here... Terrance signs. The Delivery Man points to another place on a form. DELIVERY MAN And here. He takes the form, gives Phillip the letter, and exits. PHILLIP Oh Terrance! You got a letter! Terrance walks in. TERRANCE Shiver me timbers Phillip! At this rate, I'll never get to my Kraft dinner! Terrance opens the letter and reads it. TERRANCE Oh my God! PHILLIP What is it, Terrance? Did you fart? TERRANCE No, it's Sally. She's being held captive in Iran! PHILLIP Not Sally! Dear God, no, Terrance! Why Sally? God, why?! BIG MUSICAL SWELL. THEN PHILLIP Say, Terrance... Who's Sally? TERRANCE My daughter. PHILLIP I never knew you had a daughter, Terrance. TERRANCE Oh, yes. Didn't I mention that, me hearties? PHILLIP No, you never did, Terrance. TERRANCE Oh. Well, it all began fifteen years ago... CUT TO: EXT. TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE A TITLE reads 'FIVE HOURS LATER'. CUT TO: INT. TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE PHILLIP My God! What a fascinating story, Terrance! Especially the part aboot Celine Dion. TERRANCE Yes, indeed. But now my little Sally is being held captive in Iran. And I will have to go and find her. PHILLIP Then I will go with you, Terrance. TERRANCE You are such a good friend, Phillip. PHILLIP Well, you know what they say; 'A friend in need is a friend with Kraft Dinner'. TERRANCE A lass there maties! EXT. CELINE DION'S HOUSE DING DONG -- Celine Dion answers the door. TERRANCE Hello, Celine Dion. CELINE DION Terrance. This is quite a surprise. TERRANCE You're looking well. CELINE DION And you. TERRANCE Celine, where is our daughter Sally? CELINE DION She's in the middle east, studying Anthropology, why? TERRANCE Wrong. She's been taken hostage, and is now being held prisoner. CELINE DION What?! TERRANCE Phillip and I are going to Iran to find her, but we may never return. CELINE DION Oh Terrance, what happened to us? TERRANCE We just grew apart Celine Dion. CELINE DION Please bring our daughter home safe, Terrance. Terrance farts. TERRANCE Ha ha ha ha ha!!! INT. CANADIAN AIRPORT Terrance and Phillip walk up to the airport ticket counter. PHILLIP Hello, Ugly Bob. Bob is behind the ticket counter with the bag on his head. UGLY BOB Hi guys. TERRANCE How's the paper bag working out? UGLY BOB People seem to really like it. I even have a date this Friday. TERRANCE Terrific. We need two tickets for Teheran, please. UGLY BOB Iran is dangerous. You guys shouldn't go there. PHILLIP (slamming the desk) Dammit, man! Danger or no, I'm going to help my friend find his daughter!!! Terrance laughs in the background. UGLY BOB Alright, then, there's a flight leaving today. PHILLIP Oh, good... Bob types up the ticket on his computer. PHILLIP Well, I certainly am going to miss Canada, Terrance. TERRANCE Indeed, Phillip. PHILLIP Terrance, if I die whilst in Iran... Please bring my body back to Canada and bury it in a box with a side of Kraft dinner. TERRANCE Same here, Phillip. PHILLIP (singing) Oh Canada! Our home and native land! True patriot love in all thy sons command. Now Terrance joins in. TERRANCE (singing) With glowing hearts we see thee rise, The True North strong and free! Now ugly Bob, and some people next to him join in. UGLY BOB (singing) From far and wide, O Canada, We stand on guard for thee. Now absolutely everyone in the airport stops what they're doing, stands up, and joins in. EVERYONE God keep our land glorious and free! O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. Now Scott leans in from behind a wall. SCOTT Scott to Red Dragon. Come in Red Dragon. INT. STRANGE ROOM Saddam Hussein is sitting at his desk with a couple of guards. SADDAM Go ahead gug. This is Red Dragon. SCOTT The plan is working perfectly. Terrance and Phillip have taken the bait. SADDAM Excellent. My buddies and I are ready to come to Canada, has everything been arranged? INT. CANADIAN AIRPORT SCOTT Yes. Everything's proceeding according to plan. Now you promised that when Terrance and Phillip arrive they will be ripped into pieces and shot several times. SADDAM Hey, relax guy! I'm gonna keep my side of the bargain! SCOTT Roger, red dragon. Scott out. (under his breath) I've got you now, you fart loving fart lovers... INSERT - WORLD MAP We see a map of the World. With Indiana Jones type music playing, a red line shows the path of the airplane. We watch as the line leaves it's home in Canada (The map says only Canada) and slowly makes its way towards Iran. Meanwhile, we HEAR Terrance and Phillip FARTING and LAUGHING during the long trip. EXT. IRAN Terrance and Phillip walk down the crowded, insane Iranian streets. TERRANCE Oh, Phillip, how will I ever find my fugitive daughter in this daunting place? We don't speak the language, we are unwelcome strangers, and we have no idea where to begin! They walk a little further. TERRANCE Oh look, there she is. In the midst of Iranian people, little Sally, who is white, stands out like a sore thumb. PHILLIP Oh, good. They walk over to Sally. SALLY Who? Where? TERRANCE I'm here, Sally. It's your father, Terrance. I'm here to save you from your smelly Iranian captors. SALLY Papa! Terrance and Sally hug. PHILLIP Say, she looks a lot more like Celine Dion than you, Terrance. Sally rips a fart and laughs. PHILLIP OH, NOW I SEE THE RESEMBLANCE!! TERRANCE Well, enough of Iran, let's get home. EXT. PLANE We see the plane heading back the other way. EXT. CANADIAN AIRPORT TERRANCE Well, now that I have my bastard daughter back, I feel like going back to Celine Dion's house and asking her to marry me again. PHILLIP Oh Raspberries, looks like I'm losing a friend. TERRANCE No, you're gaining a pop vocalist. PHILLIP OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THIS?!?! Terrance and Phillip look around, and see that Canada has completely changed. Most everything has been colored red, and large paintings of Saddam Hussein hang everywhere. PHILLIP Is this Canada? TERRANCE It seems to have changed... PHILLIP THIS IS MADNESS!!! DRAMATIC MUSIC. ACT II EXT. CANADA - DAY Terrance and Phillip walk down a Canadian street, where most of the buildings have been painted red. Huge framed pictures of Saddam are everywhere. TERRANCE What's going on, Terrance? How could Canada have changed so much whilst we were gone? PHILLIP I don't know, Terrance. And who is that smelly person in all these pictures? TERRANCE I must take my bastard daughter back to Celine Dion, and she what she has to say. Terrance and Phillip walk up to Celine's door and knock. TERRANCE Celine, I've brought our daughter Sally back. And I want to tell you that -- CELINE DION Terrance... Uh... Could you come back a little later? PHILLIP Why? CELINE DION Uh... I'm just a little busy right now... TERRANCE You've got a MAN over, don't you Celine Dion!! CELINE DION Well, I -- Ugly Bob walks up to the door. The brown paper bag is still on his head. UGLY BOB Hi guys. PHILLIP Oh my God! It's Ugly Bob!! TERRANCE What the hell are you doing here?! UGLY BOB I'm doing Celine Dion, what's it look like? TERRANCE Oh Celine Dion, what have you done?! I was going to make us a family again but now you've slept with ugly Bob! CELINE DION What do you mean? Why are you calling him 'Ugly Bob'? PHILLIP Because that's his name, you stupid bitch! CELINE DION (to Bob) You told me your name was Handsome Bob. TERRANCE Look at him, Celine Dion! Terrance grabs the paper bag and rips it off. Bob still looks just like Terrance and Phillip. CELINE DION AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHHH!!!! As Celine screams, there is a Hitchcock perspective zoom on her face. PHILLIP Behold his horrible face!! CELINE DION OH MY GOD!! HE IS HEINOUSLY UGLY!! AND I AM PREGNANT WITH HIS CHILD!!! TERRANCE WHAT?! NOOOoooo!! CELINE DION I'm going to have a freak baby!! PHILLIP Oh, the humanity!! INT. STRANGE ROOM Saddam is sitting at his desk. Scott walks in. SCOTT Hey Saddam, you helped me get rid of Terrance and Phillip, and I appreciate that... But why are framed pictures of you going up all over Canada? SADDAM Huh? Oh, that. Don't worry guy, you just need a rest. SCOTT No I don't need a rest! I want to know what this is all aboot! SADDAM Hey, relax fella, I'm just making it so that Terrance and Phillip can never come back to Canada again. I just need a couple of things, and then I'm gonna head back to Iran. SCOTT I thought you were from Iraq. SADDAM Iran, Iraq, what the hell's the difference? Relax, guy. Scott thinks. INT. CANADIAN STREET - DAY A huge, Iraqi army marches past Terrance and Phillip. Terrance farts, and they laugh merrily. TERRANCE Phillip, I'm convinced that something very very not good is happening to Canada. PHILLIP Yes, I agree whole fartledly. Just then Scott walks up. SCOTT Hey! What the hell are you guys doing here? TERRANCE Oh, hello Scott. SCOTT You're not supposed to be here! You're supposed to be in Iran looking for your kidnapped -- Uh... I mean, uh... How are you today? PHILLIP Wait, what were you saying? SCOTT Nothing. Why? TERRANCE Hey Scott, guess what? SCOTT What? Terrance farts. SCOTT Ah! I hate you more you more than ever Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both! Scott holds both his hands towards Phillip. PHILLIP What are you doing, Scott? SCOTT I'm wishing cancer upon you. PHILLIP Cancer? SCOTT That's right! I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind. TERRANCE Agh! Stop that! Terrance tries to hide behind Phillip. PHILLIP Hey! Don't give me cancer! INT. STRANGE ROOM Some American Generals come in (*NOTE - Since the generals are American, they should be drawn in South Park style). GENERAL Mr. Hussein, the U.S. government is becoming worried. SADDAM Worried? About what? Take a load off. Relax. GENERAL You seem to be... Taking over Canada. SADDAM Taking over Canada? Me? Hey, you need a rest fella. I'm not hiding any bombs! GENERAL We didn't say anything about bombs. SADDAM Oh... You didn't? Hey, relax. GENERAL We're giving you just three years to clear your forces out of Canada. After that, we're going to bomb all of Iran. SADDAM I'm from Iraq. GENERAL Iran, Iraq, what's the difference? The Americans leave. IRAQI SOLDIER OOH! I HATE AMERICANS!!! PLEASE LET ME KILL THEM!!! SADDAM No, no, you need to relax, guy. Remember the plan, first we take over Canada, then we'll have the best of the Female Pop Vocalists. After that, we'll take over the U.S., then Europe, Then China, Then Newfoundland, THEN THE WORLD!!!!! Saddam laughs maniacally. Suddenly, Scott barges in. SCOTT What's so funny? SADDAM Nothing. Relax, buddy. SCOTT Saddam! Terrance and Phillip are back in Canada! SADDAM Oh, really? SCOTT You promised me they'd be gone for good! That was your part of the bargain! SADDAM I changed my mind. Pray that I don't change it any further. Dramatic music. Scott looks afraid, and steps out. SCOTT This deal is getting worse all the time. INT. TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE - DAY PHILLIP Hey, Terrance let's watch American television! TERRANCE Yes! We can get satellite feed from the U.S. and watch all of their stupid T.V. shows! Phillip hits the remote control. PHILLIP Oh look, here's a show -- It's Jerry Springer. PHILLIP God damn their TV shows are lame! He changes the station to 'South Park.' PHILLIP Look at their silly American heads! TERRANCE They look like groundhogs! He changes the station to CNN. NEWS ANCHOR And in other news, it appears that Saddam Hussein has finally signed an agreement to let the US inspect his military operations. When asked if he would uphold his side of the agreement, Hussein replied, quote 'Hey, relax fella, you need a rest, guy'. TERRANCE Hey Phillip, isn't that the smelly gentleman we've seen in pictures all over town? PHILLIP Yes it is, Terrance. According to that newsy, he's some kind of Turkish dictator! TERRANCE Well we can't just sit here and eat Kraft Dinner and let Canada been overrun by the Turks. Just then, the phone rings. PHILLIP That fart sounded just like a ringing phone Terrance. TERRANCE It sure did Phillip. The phone rings again. TERRANCE Oh wait, that is the phone. Hello? SCOTT Terrance, this is Scott. TERRANCE Oh. (to Phillip) Hey, it's Scott. PHILLIP Tell him he's a smelly bastard. TERRANCE Phillip says hello, Scott. SCOTT Just shut up and listen. You've unleashed a monster onto Canada and only you can get rid of him. Even though I hate you, and I wish you had cancer. TERRANCE You are such a dick, Scott. SCOTT YOU'RE a dick. TERRANCE YOU'RE a dick. SCOTT YOU'RE a dick. TERRANCE YOU'RE a dick. SCOTT ... TERRANCE ... SCOTT YOU'RE a dick. TERRANCE YOU'RE a dick. SCOTT The two of you are the most annoying dicks in Canada! You give other Canadians a bad name... and if I had... TERRANCE Oh, I'm sorry Scott, could you hold on a minute? SCOTT Sure. Terrance puts the phone down to his ass and blows a huge fart into it. Scott reacts as if it hurt his ear. Back on the phone -- TERRANCE Ahhh!! How do you like that, Scott?! SCOTT You son of a bitch! I'll get you if it's the -- TERRANCE Oh, wait, I have another call, Scott, can you hang on? SCOTT Sure. Terrance again puts the phone to his ass and blows a huge fart. PHILLIP OHH!! That was Sir Smelley! He says hello!! SCOTT GOD DAMMIT!! TERRANCE Oh, wait a second, Scott. SCOTT Sure... I mean No! You listen to me! If you want to save Canada, you'll meet me at Karl's Kraft Dinner Restaurant in half an hour. Click. Scott hangs up. EXT. CELINE DION'S HOUSE - DAY Celine and Ugly Bob are lying in bed, smoking. Ugly Bob still has a paper bag over his head. CELINE DION Oh, ugly Bob... I'm so confused. I love your personality, but you are so wretchedly ugly. UGLY BOB Maybe the baby will have your face instead of mine. CELINE DION We can only hope... I suppose we'll be okay, as long as you keep that bag on your head. Suddenly, there is horrible commotion. A group of Iranian soldiers break into the room. Saddam follows close behind. CELINE DION What's this?! SADDAM Hey, there. My name's Saddam. I'm a big fan of Polo. I've been searching a long time for you Celine Dion. UGLY BOB Oh no you don't! She's my bitch! SADDAM Who are you? UGLY BOB I'm Bob. But my friends call me ugly Bob, because I have the features of a deformed burn victim. SADDAM Really? I thought all Canadians looked alike. Let me see... Ugly Bob lifts his paper bag. Everyone in the room screams horribly. Even Celine Dion. SADDAM Wow, I'm sorry, guy. You know, I could cure that face of yours. UGLY BOB You could? SADDAM Sure, I just need a favor. There's a Canadian football game tomorrow. The Ottawa Roughriders against the Vancouver Roughriders. It's at that game that I will officially turn the Canadian flag over to my Iranian one. CELINE DION What? Why?! SADDAM Hey, don't worry about that. Take a load off. Don't think about it. Look over here. All I need is for Celine Dion to sing our Iranian National Anthem at the game, to finalize my hostile takeover of Canada. What'dya say? UGLY BOB Did you say hostile takeover of Canada? SADDAM No, no, relax there, fella. EXT. CANADA - KARL'S KRAFT DINNER PALACE - DAY Terrance and Phillip are waiting in front of the Palace. TERRANCE Well, Scott said to meet him here, but now he's not showing up. Phillip farts, they laugh. PHILLIP Well, while we're waiting, why don't we search for treasure? TERRANCE Oh, good idea! Let's search for treasure! Terrance and Phillip again look around their immediate area for treasure. But find none. Finally, Scott walks up. SCOTT What are you idiots doing? TERRANCE We're looking for treasure! SCOTT Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described? Terrance and Phillip think. PHILLIP No... We're searching for treasure. SCOTT Listen, I have an inside scoop. There's an Iraqi dictator who is quietly and slowly taking over Canada. TERRANCE Yes, you mean Saddam Smelly. We saw him on the tele. SCOTT Well, what are you two gonna do aboot it? PHILLIP What do you mean? SCOTT It's YOUR fault that he's here! YOU brought the Iraquis back with you on your plane when you rescued your kidnapped daughter. Terrance and Phillip GASP! PHILLIP You mean WE are to blame?! SCOTT That's right, and now you must make amends. Tomorrow Saddam will try to finalize his takeover of Canada at the Roughriders/Roughriders football game. All his soldiers will be there. It will be your only shot at wiping them all out. Here, take this. PHILLIP What is it? SCOTT It's a bomb. You must strap it to yourselves, go to the game, and sacrifice your lives to take out Saddam's minions. TERRANCE That sounds scary. SCOTT Well, you must do it, for Canada. PHILLIP For Canada, Terrance. TERRANCE For Canada, Phillip. Terrance and Phillip walk away, and Scott is left alone. SCOTT Yes... Yes... Terrance and Phillip. And when the dust has settled, Canada will be rid of both the Iraqis... AND your immature fart humor! DRAMATIC MUSIC. ACT III INT. TERRANCE AND PHILLIP'S HOUSE - NIGHT Terrance and Phillip are sitting on their couch. TERRANCE Well, Phillip I am very sad that we have to die for Canada. PHILLIP Yes, this bomb will blow us both to smithereens. But we really have no choice. Only our deaths can bring Canada life. Terrance farts. They laugh. PHILLIP Wait a minute... Terrance that fart gives me pause... TERRANCE Why is that? PHILLIP That smelly Saddam Hussein, he uses germ and chemical warfare, does he not? TERRANCE Yes, apparently he does. PHILLIP Terrance, get the phone book! We must call every Canadian we can! TERRANCE Oh, Phillip, it sounds like you have an idea. PHILLIP I do Terrance (picking up the phone) EXT. CANADIAN FOOTBALL STADIUM - DAY We see the last play of the second quarter. ANNOUNCER And the Roughriders are really giving the Roughriders a run for their money. All else aside, I must say the Roughriders are simply out matched by these Roughriders. The play ends. The clock runs out. The referee blows his whistle. ANNOUNCER And that's going to take us to halftime. Be sure to stick around for the halftime show, Saddam and the Electric Iraqi's in a salute to hostile takeovers. Terrance and Phillip are sitting in the stands. TERRANCE Well, I guess it's time, old friend. PHILLIP Yes... Prepare the alert! A lame marching band takes to the field. They are cheesy and gay. A quick stage is made, where Saddam and his friends appear. SADDAM Hello to my Canadian friends. Everybody relax, take a rest, put your feet up, those dogs are barking. The audience looks confused. SADDAM You may have noticed some changes to your country. Don't worry about that, the changes will continue. I am here to announce once and for all -- ZOOM IN on Saddam. SADDAM THAT CANADA WILL NOW BE KNOWN AS NEW BAGHDAD! KOO LOOK KA LOOK!! Iraqi guards lower the Canadian flags and raise Iraqi flags in their place. The audience GASPS! SADDAM YOU WILL BOW DOWN TO ME AS YOUR RULER!! YOU WILL OBEY MY LAWS OR YOU WILL BE KILLED!!! HA HA HAAH HAA!! Celine Dion and Ugly Bob take the stage. SADDAM AND NOW YOU WILL SING THE IRAQI NATIONAL ANTHEM -- OR YOU WILL BE STABBED IN HEAD!!! Celine walks up to the mic and starts to sing. CELINE DION (sadly) Shtood makalek svtdot inka inka broost... MUSIC starts. A guard puts the tip of his gun in Celine's back and makes her take the stage. TERRANCE Now, Phillip? PHILLIP Now, Terrance!! Terrance and Phillip pull out gas masks. Terrance put a mighty Canadian Horn to his lips. Terrance blows the horn. Brrr ba ba BRRR!!!! Suddenly, every audience member in the stadium puts on a gas mask. SADDAM What the hell is this? CELINE DION (still singing) barak a shtood, kalak a shtood... Now all the audience members, with their gas masks, bend over and point their asses at the field. With one mighty ROAR all of the Canadians FART!! Blowing hot noxious gas onto the Iraqis. SADDAM (Choking) NOOOO!!!! GUARD They're using chemical warfare! How could they?! Just then Celine Dion and Ugly Bob put on their gas masks. They fart along with everyone else. Until the entire stadium is one big smelly dust cloud. Terrance and Phillip, meanwhile, are laughing their asses off at all the farts. Finally all the dust settles, the air clears, and we see that all the Iraqis lie dead or near death on the field. All the Canadians remove their gas masks and celebrate by cheering and jumping up and down. TERRANCE WE DID IT, PHILLIP! WE'VE DESTROYED THE TURKS!! PHILLIP OH GLORIOUS DAY!! Everybody happily takes to the field. Terrance and Celine Dion embrace. 'Don't you forget about me' from the Breakfast Club starts to play. CELINE DION Terrance! Terrance! You've saved Canada! TERRANCE Oh, it was all Phillip's idea! UGLY BOB God bless you, Phillip. PHILLIP Don't touch me, ugly Bob. Just then Scott walks up. SCOTT What the hell happened! You were supposed to be blown up! PHILLIP We came up with a better plan. You see Scott, after all your criticism it was farting that saved Canada! SCOTT Oh! That is SO JUVENILE!!! TERRANCE Hey Scott, do you like apples? SCOTT Of course. Terrance farts a huge wet one of Scott's head. TERRANCE How do you like THEM apples?! Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily. SCOTT I HATE YOU TERRANCE AND PHILLIP!!! TERRANCE Oh, Celine Dion... You never finished that National Anthem. CELINE DION You're right Terrance, You're right... Celine steps up to the mic and sings: CELINE DION OH CANADA! OUR HOME AND NATIVE LAND! TRUE PATRIOT LOVE IN ALL OUR SONS COMMAND!! EVERYONE WITH GLOWING HEARTS WE SEE THE RISE OUR TRUE LOVE STRONG AND FREE. WITH GLOWING HEARTS OH CANADA WE STAND ON GUARD FOR THE. GOD KEEP OUR LAND GLORIOUS AND FREE OH CANADA WE STAND ON GUARD FOR THEE. OH CANADA WE STAND ON GUARD FOR THEE. THE END