"SOUTH PARK" Episode 204 "Ike's Wee Wee" Written by Trey Parker EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY Establishing. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY Mr. Garrison stands in front of the chalkboard. It reads "Drugs are Bad". The students are in their seats. MR. GARRISON Okay, children, let's take our seats. This morning we're going to have a special lecture from your school counselor, Mr. Mackey. The counselor steps in front of Mr. Garrison. STAN (under his breath) Booooo. COUNSELOR Now, now who was that? That is not appropriate behavior. Okay? STAN (in Mr. Mackey's voice) I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey, Okay? COUNSELOR Oh, that's okay. Just don't let it happen again. KYLE (in Mr. Mackey's voice) We won't let it happen again, Mr. Mackey, Okay? The boys laugh merrily. COUNSELOR Okay, Okay that's fine. CARTMAN (in Mr. Mackey's voice) Okay? COUNSELOR Okay. Now, uh, as your counselor, I'm here to tell you about drugs and alcohol and why they are bad, okay? The kids just sit there and blink. COUNSELOR So, first of all... Smokin's bad... You shouldn't smoke. And uh, alcohol is bad, you shouldn't drink alcohol. And as for drugs, well, drugs are bad you shouldn't do drugs. Okay, that about wraps up my introduction, now are there any questions? Yes, Stan? STAN Why do dogs have cold noses? COUNSELOR Uh... I'm not sure. STAN Oh. COUNSELOR Now, uh, let's focus our discussion first on Marijuana. Marijuana is bad. And it also has a very distinct smell, Okay? I'm going to pass around just a little tiny bit, and I want you all to take a smell, so you know when someone is smokin' Marijuana near you. He hands a small tray with a bud of pot on it to the first kid on the end. (Pip). Pip smells it, grimaces, then passes it on. COUNSELOR Okay, Just take a smell, pass it on, and when it gets back up to me, we'll finish talking about it. In the meantime, I want to get into alcohol a little... Okay, Uh, alcohol is bad... If you drink alcohol... As the counselor AD LIBs the rest of his speech, the boys whisper to each other. KYLE Hey, are you guys gonna come to Ike's party this weekend? STAN Your little brother is having a party? Why, is it his birthday? KYLE No, It's his Bris. CARTMAN What the hell is a Bris? KYLE I dunno. But there's gonna be lots of food and a band! CARTMAN Oh, kick ass. I wanna have a Bris! COUNSELOR ...and so that's why alcohol is bad. Has that marijuana made it back up here yet? (no response) No? Okay, let's talk about LSD... uh children, LSD is bad. it's a drug made famous by John Lennon and Paul McCartney... STAN Hey, are we supposed to get your little brother presents for a Bris? KYLE Uh... I'm not sure. STAN Well, dude, you better find out. COUNSELOR Boys are you paying attention? STAN (Mr. Mackey's voice) Sorry, Mr. Mackey, okay? COUNSELOR Okay. Now children, has that marijuana made it around yet? No response. COUNSELOR Uh, who has the marijuana now? (silence) Okay, whoever has the marijuana just pass it up to the front row. No response. COUNSELOR Oh oh. INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE Principal Victoria is sitting at her desk with a stern look on her face, and her hands folded. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA I am VERY disappointed in you young man... You should be ashamed of yourself! What could have possessed you to be so stupid? Now we see who's sitting opposite the Principal: Mr. Mackey. COUNSELOR (Looking down) I'm sorry, Principal Victoria. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Well, sorry isn't going to cut the cheese, this time, mister. I'm afraid I'm going to have to suspend you from school. COUNSELOR You mean I'm fired? PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Well, I guess that's the grown up way to put it, yes. COUNSELOR But it was an honest error of judgement, okay? I really thought it was important for the kids to know the smell of marijuana so that -- PRINCIPAL VICTORIA It was an error of judgement, Mr. Mackey, but I'm afraid I have to let you go for it. We searched each one of those kids but came up empty. We had to let them go home, and one of them now has half a lid of Jamaican grass because of you. COUNSELOR (crying) How am I going to make ends meet, okay? What will I do for money? PRINCIPAL VICTORIA There, there now, maybe this will all blow over someday and we can give you a job as a janitor cleaning up vomit with that pink sawdust stuff. COUNSELOR (crying harder) Ohh, okay? Oh-woa, okay? EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY The bus pulls away and the boys start walking home. STAN Man, that sucked getting searched. CARTMAN Yeah, my ass is killing me. KYLE Why did they search US? That marry- Jew wanna never even made it to us. CARTMAN I wonder who took it... INT. MR. GARRISON'S LIVINGROOM Mr. Garrison is lit, and watching "tele-tubbies". ANGLE ON TV. ANNOUNCER And now it's almost time for Bobo's... Mr. Garrison just laughs. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE Just then, Chef pulls up in his car. CHEF Hello there, children. BOYS Hey Chef. KYLE How's it going? CHEF Bad. KYLE Why bad? CHEF Children, I heard about what happened at school today. Now... none of YOU took that nasty marijuana, did you? STAN No dude, we never even saw it. CHEF Okay, because I just want to tell you that drugs are bad. STAN We know, we know. That's what everybody says. CHEF Right, but do you know why they're bad? KYLE (quickly) Because they are an addictive solution to a greater problem causing disease of both body and mind with consequences far outweighing their supposed benefits. CHEF And do you have any idea what that means? KYLE No. CARTMAN I know. Drugs are bad. Because if you do drugs, you're a hippy, and hippies suck! CHEF Look, children, this is all I'm going to say about drugs... Stay AWAY from them. There's a time and a place for everything -- and it's called college. Do you understand? BOYS Sure. CHEF Okay. Chef starts to walk away. KYLE Hey, are you gonna come to Ike's Bris this weekend? CHEF Oh hell no. I can't bear to see that. STAN What do you mean? CHEF Don't you boys know what a Bris is? They're going to circumcise him. CARTMAN What's that? CHEF Oh boy, here we go again... (thinking) Children, uhh... What's the one thing that is more sacred to a man than anything else in the world? STAN Uh, bicycles? CARTMAN Ham? STAN Not not ham, you fat fuck! CARTMAN Screw you! It's ham isn't it! CHEF No, no, no children, I'm talking about the most important part of a man's body. The boys look confused. KYLE Your heart? STAN Your eyes? Finally, Kenny gets it -- KENNY OH! Mph rmpmh rm! CHEF That's right. CARTMAN Hey! My mom says you're not supposed to call it a penis Kenny! You're supposed to call it a fireman. CHEF A fireman? CARTMAN That's the proper way to say it. Or else you get a spanking. CHEF Dammit, children, why do I always have to be the one to explain all this stuff to you. Ask your parents for once! Chef drives away. KYLE Hey! Wait! The boys just stand there for a while. STAN Dude, something tells me this Bris thing isn't good. EXT. BAR - DAY The counselor is walking alone down the desolate Avenue De Los Mexicanos. His head is down, is hands in his pockets, as snow gently falls around him. Just then a car drives by with two parents in the car. PARENT HEY, MACKEY! YOU GOT ANY MORE POT? MY FOUR YEAR OLD NEEDS A FIX!! The parents laugh and drive away. Mackey lowers his head, but another car pulls up. PARENT #2 HEY, MACKEY! NOW WE SEE WHAT YOU AND HOMER SIMPSON HAVE IN COMMON... DOPE!!! The parents laugh hysterically. Mackey cowers. Another car pulls up. PARENT #3 Hey, MACKEY!! Mackey looks up to see a FULL STREAM OF CARS, hundreds of them, all waiting in line to pull up and insult the counselor, BEEPING their horns and YELLING. COUNSELOR UGH!!! Mackey takes off into a building. TILT UP to reveal that it is the South Park bar. INT. SOUTH PARK BREW PUB Mackey hops over to the bar and sits down. BARTENDER Hey, I don't think I've seen you around here, before. COUNSELOR No, I just, I had to get away. Okay?... I just lost my job... BARTENDER Oh, that's weak man. You know what you need? You need a good stiff drink. COUNSELOR Oh, I don't drink. Okay? BARTENDER Trust me, man, it'll make you feel better. The bartender pushes a beer in front of Mr. Mackey. COUNSELOR Uh... Drinkin's bad... Mackey looks at the glass... A deep, thinking gaze... Just then, a little devil Mr. Mackey appears next to the counselor's head. DEVIL MACKEY Go ahead... Drink the beer! It'll calm you down. Then, a little angel Mr. Mackey pops up on the other side. ANGEL MACKEY Yeah, why the hell not? It's just a beer. Don't be such a pussy. Okay? Mackey reaches out, takes the beer, and gulps down a large sip very quickly. BARTENDER How do you feel? The counselor belches. COUNSELOR About the same. BARTENDER Oh, you just need something a little stronger... The bartender pulls out a large bottle of scotch. EXT. SOUTH PARK Kyle, Cartman and Kenny are outside building a snow castle. Suddenly, Stan comes running up. STAN Kyle!! You have to stop them!!! KYLE Stop who? STAN Dude! I found out what a Bris is! I found out what they're gonna do to Ike!! KYLE What? STAN They're gonna chop off his wee-wee!! Perspective zoom on Kyle. KYLE Chop off his wee-wee?! Are you sure?! STAN Yeah, dude! It's a Jewish tradition! It's called a circumstition! CARTMAN Dude! That is NOT COOL! Chopping off wee wees is NOT COOL!!! KYLE That can't be true! My parents wouldn't DO that! STAN Dude, I asked FIVE DIFFERENT people! They said all Jewish boys have circumstitions, and they make it into a party called a Bris! CARTMAN Dude! You... You don't just CHOP off somebody's fireman!! KYLE I won't believe it! I won't! I have to ask my mom and dad!! Kyle runs towards his house. The boys follow. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE Mackey walks down the lonely street, drunk off his ass. COUNSELOR (singing) We are young... Okay? Heartache to heartache we stand... Okay? No promises, no demands. Mackey stumbles up to a house, and tries the key, but the key doesn't fit. COUNSELOR Is this my house? HOMEOWNER YOUR KEY AIN'T GONNA WORK, MACKEY! I changed the locks! Mackey turns to see the elderly homeowner, who has a stern look on his face. COUNSELOR Why, Mr. Freely? HOMEOWNER I'm not renting to you anymore! I heard you got fired from your job for selling drugs to children! COUNSELOR No, no, no, Okay? ... It wasn't like that. HOMEOWNER DRUGS ARE AN ILLEGAL NARCOTIC! AND HAVING NEVER TAKEN DRUGS, I CAN SAY THAT THEY HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER! COUNSELOR But I've never taken drugs either... HOMEOWNER I'VE never taken drugs and look at me! I'm totally FINE!! Now get off my property before I lose control and KILL YOU!!! The homeowner picks up a rock, and hurls it at Mackey. The rock hits him in the head. COUNSELOR OW!! Okay? The counselor falls to the ground. HOMEOWNER DRUG USER!! DRUG USER!!! The counselor picks himself up and runs away to avoid more rocks which fly at him. ACT II EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT Establishing. INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT Kyle and the boys bolt into the dining room, where his mother and father are decorating. KYLE'S MOTHER Just a little higher. KYLE MOM! DAD!! KYLE'S MOTHER Oh hi, boobala. I'm glad you're here, you can help us decorate for the party. KYLE'S FATHER Your mother made GaHekgafuga. CARTMAN What the hell is GaHekgafuga? KYLE Mom, dad... What EXACTLY is this party for? Kyle's mom and dad look at each other. KYLE'S MOTHER To celebrate your little brother's passage into life. KYLE Meaning what? KYLE'S FATHER Meaning we're going to circumcise him. CARTMAN They ARE gonna cut off his fireman! KYLE'S MOTHER It's Jewish tradition, boobie. KYLE'S FATHER Normally we do it right after the baby is born. But we had to do it later for Ike because he's a -- KYLE Aaahhhhh Kyle runs into his room. Stan, Cartman and Kenny are left alone with the parents. KYLE'S FATHER Oh, now what's gotten into him? Stan, will you go talk to him? The boys start to shake. From Stan's POV the parents mutate into horrible monsters. They have huge, metallic claws for hands. KYLE'S PARENTS LET US CUT OFF YOUR PEE-PEE STAN!!! STAN Aagh!!! Stan runs away too. The parents, who of course are just their normal selves, look at each other with puzzled faces. KYLE'S MOTHER Oi, What is the matter with them? INT. KYLE'S ROOM KYLE I can't believe my parents are cannibals! STAN What are you gonna do, dude? KYLE I have to save my little brother! I have to send him away until my parents come to their senses! Kyle opens his window and steps outside. KYLE Come on, Ike! IKE Baba mama simi sma! KYLE Cover me for a while, I'll find a place to hide him and come back! CARTMAN No way, dude! We're not staying alone in your house with your wee-wee chopping parents!! KYLE Just give me thirty minutes! Come on, IKE! Kyle and Ike run off into the night. The boys swallow hard and look scared. EXT. ALLEY - SOUTH PARK - NIGHT The counselor is curled up covered in newspaper trying to sleep. COUNSELOR Oh... I can't sleep it's too cold. Okay? Suddenly, another bum pops up. BUM Hey, you want something to warm you up? COUNSELOR Oh, I didn't know this dark alley was taken... BUM Here, try this, it'll warm you up. The bum hands the counselor a joint. COUNSELOR Uh... Marijuana's bad. BUM What? COUNSELOR Marijuana makes you feel depressed and low. Okay? BUM And you don't feel that way now? COUNSELOR Good point. The counselor grabs the joint and takes a huge drag. COUNSELOR Hmm... I don't feel any diff -- oooooooh. Baby, get down... Okay? BUM Uh huh. COUNSELOR Man, this alley is cool! It's so alive and beautiful. BUM Oh boy. EXT. SOUTH PARK TRAIN STATION - DAY Kyle leads Ike by the hand up to the ticket window. KYLE Come on, Ike, hurry up! IKE Ay toda nur! Kyle leads Ike up to the train guy. KYLE Where is the next train going? TRAIN GUY Lincoln, Nebraska train leaves in five minutes. KYLE You wanna go to Nebraska, Ike? IKE (No fucking way) AH BABA SAMA!!! KYLE I need one ticket for my little brother. TRAIN GUY That's a little brother? I thought it was a trash can or something. What's wrong with his head? KYLE Huh? TRAIN GUY I'm sorry, but we can't just throw Caucasian babies on an outbound train. KYLE But my parents are gonna cut off his ding dong! TRAIN GUY What?! Why the hell would they do that?! KYLE They've just gone crazy for a while. Please, mister, I have to hide my brother until they come to their senses. TRAIN GUY No can do, sonny. KYLE Dammit! Kyle walks away. But as he passes the train, he notices an open door. Kyle looks around to see if anybody is watching. KYLE Ike, if you want to keep your penis, you have to get on this train. Just as the train starts to make noise and leave, Kyle kicks Ike onboard. KYLE Ready Ike? Kick the baby! IKE Don't kik da -- KYLE Goodbye, Ike! Be safe! I'll come find you in Nebraska when mom and dad are back to normal. The train heads off. EXT. WOODS Mackey is walking around in the woods, looking haggard and beaten. COUNSELOR Oh man, where am I? A couple long haired hippies walk up to Mr. Mackey. HIPPIE Hey wow, it's that counselor from elementary school, Mr. Mackey. HIPPIE 2 Woa, dude. COUNSELOR Hi boys, how are you today? HIPPIE Pretty good, man, how are you? COUNSELOR Oh, I've been better. I've been kicked out of town for doing drugs. HIPPIE Hey! US TOO!! HIPPIE 2 Yeah, remember you caught us smokin' weed in the bathroom and got us suspended. COUNSELOR Oh... Oh fortune, how you mock me. HIPPIE Oh cheer up, bro, all you need is some clear liquid to get your head straight. The hippie hands the counselor some clear liquid. COUNSELOR Uh, boys, LSD is bad. Mackey quickly drops the acid. COUNSELOR (echoing) Hmmm... Man, who put all this cotton in my mouth? Mackey's head starts to inflate like a giant balloon. COUNSELOR Yeah, baby. The world is so small. Mackey's head detaches from his body and starts to float away delicately. COUNSELOR I'm Free... I'm Free... HIPPIE 2 Sweet dude, totally killer. HIPPIE That guy's totally tripping. EXT. BUSSTOP - DAY The boys are standing around Kyle who is making a ragged, crappy looking doll. KYLE There, what do you think? CARTMAN What the hell is that supposed to be? KYLE I'm making a dummy Ike doll. My parents think he's out with me right now, and I have to bring him back for dinner. STAN Dude, I think your mom's gonna notice that that isn't Ike. KYLE Not if I say he's sick and put him to bed right away. Just then, a large dog (The big mean one from Big Gay Al's) comes up to the dummy and starts sniffing at it. KYLE No! go away! Bad dog! STAN Dude, what did you make that doll out of? KYLE I used a bunch of bones from the butcher shop. CARTMAN Is that why it stinks so bad? Just then, the great balloon head of Mr. Mackey floats through frame. COUNSELOR Hi boys... BOYS Hi, Mr. Mackey. COUNSELOR Are you boys staying out of trouble? KYLE Yes. COUNSELOR Okay, I'm just gonna go over here for a while... Mr. Mackey floats on through. KYLE Anyways, I need you guys to help me so that my parents don't realize Ike is gone. The dog again tries to bite into the doll. KYLE Knock it off, asshole! CARTMAN No way! I'm NEVER going back to your parents house! STAN Come on dude, if it were YOUR little brother we'd help you! The boys start to walk away. Just when they're all about out of frame. CARTMAN Wait a minute! No you wouldn't!! EXT. NEBRASKA TRAIN STATION The train comes to a stop. Ike gets tossed out. Ike just stands there looking around. Finally, a conservative looking couple walks up. WOMAN Would you look at that, honey? Somebody dropped off a perfectly good trash can. The couple walks off. Ike blinks, and then bounces off to the corn fields of Nebraska. INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT Kyle walks in the door with his dummy Ike. KYLE'S MOTHER Boobie, where have you been?! Dinner's been ready for five minutes. KYLE Sorry, mom, I just had to deal with Ike. He's being cranky. KYLE'S MOTHER How is my little jelly bean? KYLE (throwing his voice) Baba mimi sama. (his own voice) I'm gonna take him to the bathroom to get washed up. KYLE'S MOTHER Okay, but first let mommy give you a kiss. The boys look worried. KYLE Uh, no mom, he doesn't want you kissing him. Mom walks over, Kyle tries to hold the Ike doll away. Just then, the huge dog runs in the door and grabs the Ike doll with his sharp teeth. KYLE'S MOTHER AAGHGH!! In a split second, the dog rips the dummy Ike from Kyle's grasp and starts shaking it violently around the room. KYLE'S MOTHER OH MY GOD MAKE IT STOP!! KYLE PUT IT DOWN YOU STUPID DOG!! But the dog tears the doll to shreds. Then runs outside with it, and eats it in the road. KYLE'S MOTHER MY BABY, OH GOD THE HORROR!!! KYLE'S FATHER Get out of here you mutt. Let him go. Finally, a gas truck slams on its brakes, slams into the dog and bursts into flames. Kyle's mother hides her head in Gerald's chest. KYLE'S MOTHER (weeping) Oh he's dead! He's dead! My little boobala's dead! KYLE'S FATHER There, there, Sheila. There's nothing we can do. Kyle's father breaks out crying as well. Kyle just stands there, looking nervous. EXT. CEMETERY - DAY A small coffin is lowered into the ground. Everyone is dressed in black. Kyle and Stan peer down into the large hole as the coffin settles on the ground. PRIEST Yea... Usher us unto the Lord sayeth some Jewish guy once. Ashes to ashes dust to dust. The priest throws some crap into the grave. A bagpipe player starts to play 'Hava negila', horribly. Everybody starts walking away. KYLE Hey wait a minute, how come Ike's tombstone has a Canadian flag on it? KYLE'S MOTHER Well Boobie, there's something you have to know. Ike wasn't really your brother. He was adopted. KYLE WHAT?! KYLE'S FATHER He was not really a Broflovski. He was Canadian. But we loved him all the same. KYLE You mean to tell me that all this time I've been trying to protect Ike from having his fireman cut off and he's not even my real brother?! KYLE'S MOTHER What are you talking about? KYLE Dude, Ike isn't dead. He's in Nebraska. Kyle storms off with a pissed off look. KYLE'S MOTHER What what what?!?! STAN Dude, you shouldn't have told them that. Now they're gonna find him and cut off his penis. CARTMAN FIREMAN. KYLE Oh, who the hell cares. He's not even my responsibility. Kenny walks into an open grave and a tombstone falls on him killing him. STAN Oh my God they killed Kenny! KYLE You bastards. The crowd gathers around the open grave. PRIEST Yea, let us ponder the Lord's mercy. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. ACT III EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY The counselor, now wearing some cool clothes and beads walks down Avenue De Los Mexicanos. He passes Jimbo and Ned. JIMBO Get out of the way ya damn hippie. COUNSELOR I don't need to take your right wing authoritative bull shit. JIMBO What?! COUNSELOR Oh, you're just like the government, man. Trying to prosecute out of one side of your mouth, Okay? While supporting guns out of the other. Okay? JIMBO Ah, why don't you go to a Grateful Dead concert. Jimbo and Ned walk off. COUNSELOR I Can't, man, Jer-bear's dead. Okay? RACK FOCUS to an attractive young woman standing next to a building. HIPPIE WOMAN Hey man, I overheard what you said. That was cool. COUNSELOR What? Oh, thanks man. HIPPIE WOMAN Would you like to come over to my place and fingerpaint? COUNSELOR Sure, man, fingerpaintin's cool. Okay? They walk off arm and arm. EXT. NEBRASKA - DAY Kyle gets off the train along with his mother and father. KYLE'S MOTHER Now where did you leave him, young man?! KYLE Aw, how the hell should I know. KYLE'S MOTHER Gerald! Do something about your smart ass son!! KYLE'S FATHER Uh... mind your mother, smart ass. KYLE'S MOTHER If we don't find him, so help me you're gonna be grounded for a month! The mother and father start looking around. Under benches and inside mail boxes. KYLE All this time... 'Look out for your little brother KYLE. Take care of your little brother, KYLE'. And he wasn't even really my little brother!! KYLE'S FATHER Kyle, just because Ike is adopted doesn't make him any less your brother. KYLE Yeah, right. They come across the Nebraska Train Conductor. KYLE'S MOTHER Excuse me, we're looking for a two year old Canadian Boy. TRAIN GUY (thinking) Two year old Canadian boy... Two year old Canadian boy... Oh, I think they might have one of those down at Haps bar. KYLE'S MOTHER Come on!! EXT. HAPS BAR - NEBRASKA It's a shithole. INT. HAPS BAR - NEBRASKA Kyle and his mom and dad walk into the crappy old bar and look around. They see a few truckers, drinking and listening to a slow country song. PAN along the room, slowly. It's pretty dead, nothing unusual... Then the PAN does a double take -- There's Ike. Holding up a table with his head. Somebody has chosen to use him as a table post. Ike blinks, happily. KYLE'S MOTHER IKE!!! Kyle's mother runs to him, takes the table off his head and embraces him. BARTENDER Hey lady! That's my table post! You can't have that! EXT. SOUTH PARK The sun sets. EXT. SOMEBODY'S HOUSE - NIGHT Mr. Mackey is lying naked (except for his tie) next to the hippie girl. Both of them are staring up at the ceiling. Fingerpaints are all over the place. COUNSELOR Wow, man... You know it's like... You go through life thinking that you're an individual, Okay? and then you realize you're more than that. We're all just one big individual. Okay? They just sit there for a few moments. HIPPIE WOMAN Let's get married... And have a honeymoon in India. COUNSELOR Okay. The counselor finally removes his tie. His head actually balloons down to an almost normal shape. EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT Establishing. INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT KYLE'S FATHER Now you march to your room! And think about what you've done!! KYLE'S MOTHER But first, apologize to your brother! KYLE HE'S NOT MY BROTHER!! KYLE'S FATHER APOLOGIZE TO HIM!!! KYLE (very insincere) I'm sorry Ike. IKE Baba toda nur! Kyle walks into his room and slams the door. Ike looks sad. EXT. INDIA - DAY Mr. Mackey is hiking up a beautiful mountain that overlooks the entire country. Ravi Shankar music plays in the background. HIPPIE WOMAN Wow, this is so beautiful. A white bird flies down and lands on Mackey's shoulder. COUNSELOR I am one with the animals. And the trees. HIPPIE WOMAN And I am one with you. MUSIC swells up. COUNSELOR (singing) At long last I have found A true reason to be... Now I feel I can start a new.... Suddenly a group of five men, the "A-Team", jump Mackey and start beating the shit out of him. COUNSELOR OW! HEY! The men throw Mackey into the A-Team van and speed away, leaving the hippie girl all alone. HIPPIE WOMAN Woa... INT. CAR - INDIA Mackey struggles to get up in the back seat, and sees that he is in the moving car with Jimbo, Principal Victoria, Mr. Garrison, Ned and A big buff guy. COUNSELOR What the hell is going on?! JIMBO Tough love, Mr. Mackey. We're taking you to rehab. COUNSELOR I don't want to go to rehab! I haven't even done drugs in weeks! PRINCIPAL VICTORIA We were wrong for shunning you, Mr. Mackey and we apologize. We should have realized that you needed help. MR. GARRISON Yeah, and now we're gonna make sure you get the help you need. COUNSELOR I don't want help! PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Believe me, you'll thank us later. The car speeds on. EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY A large banner is strung outside the house it says 'Welcome to Ike's Funeral'. But 'funeral' is crossed out and BRIS is written in its place. A few cars pull up, and people are getting out with presents. INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY The party has started. Several people are conversing and drinking merrily. Kyle's mother and father are standing by the door, welcoming guests. A man and woman walk in, bearing Bris gifts. KYLE'S MOTHER Hello, Tom. Hello, Patty. Thanks for coming to Ike's Bris! IKE Oh, oh. Another man walks in. KYLE'S MOTHER Look, Ike! It's your Uncle Murray! UNCLE MURRAY Hello, Ike! Say, where's little Kyle? KYLE'S MOTHER He's been sent to his room for being a bastard. He's decided that Ike isn't his brother, since he's adopted. Ike looks sad, and bounces off towards Kyle's room. Another guest walks in. GUY Hi there! KYLE'S MOTHER Hello... Do I know you? GUY Oh no, but I never miss a Bris! Here, I brought some dip. KYLE'S MOTHER Oh... Thanks. INT. KYLE'S ROOM Kyle is pouting on his bed. Stan and Cartman are on the floor. CARTMAN Well... I guess the chopping is about to commence. Just then, Ike comes running in, holding a photo album. IKE A baba simi mama! KYLE What do you want?! IKE A baba simi Ike hands Kyle the photo album, and opens it up to a page with a picture of a younger Kyle, with a younger Ike. Kyle is holding Ike in his arms. KYLE Oh no you don't... That isn't gonna work on me, Canadian! STAN Maybe you're being too hard on him, dude. KYLE No way. There's no real connection between us. It was all a big lie. Ike turns the page and points to more pictures. Then Kyle looks up and sees that Ike has put on a green Kyle hat. IKE Cookie monter! KYLE Go on, Canadian! Beat it! I'm through getting in trouble for you! Ike sadly bounces away. Kyle looks again at the picture in the photo album, and actually looks sad himself. EXT. BETTY FORD CLINIC It is peaceful and calm. INT. BETTY FORD CLINIC Mr. Mackey is in a room filled with other people getting counseling. SOCIAL WORKER You have to admit you have a problem before anybody can help you. COUNSELOR But I don't think I really have a problem. SOCIAL WORKER Nonsense. You did DRUGS. I suppose you forgot all about your family. COUNSELOR I don't really have a family. SOCIAL WORKER And you lost your job. COUNSELOR No, I lost my job before that. SOCIAL WORKER Mr. Mackey, you're supposed to be an adult. The problem with drugs is that people forget to stop doing them. There's a time and a place for everything Mr. Mackey, and it's called college. CUT TO: Hippies are on the couch watching teletubbies. SOCIAL WORKER Now I want you to repeat after me... Drugs are bad. COUNSELOR Drugs are bad. SOCIAL WORKER Drugs are bad. COUNSELOR Uh....Drugs are bad... INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY Kyle's mother answers the door. A Doctor makes his way in. KYLE'S MOTHER Hello, doctor Schwartz! Thank you so much for coming all this way to perform Ike's Bris. DOCTOR SCHWARTZ Oh, my pleasure, Sheila. I brought the normal cutting device... Doctor Schwartz holds up a metal tool. DOCTOR SCHWARTZ ...But then I remembered that Ike was Canadian. So I brought the right one. Doctor Schwartz holds up a completely different looking device. DOCTOR SCHWARTZ Where is the little rugrat? KYLE'S MOTHER Right over here... The doctor approaches Ike, who backs away slowly, looking very scared. DOCTOR SCHWARTZ Come here, you... IKE AAAGHAGH!!! Ike runs away. INT. KYLE'S ROOM Kyle is sitting on his bed, pouting. Stan, Kenny and Cartman are standing next to Kyle as he looks through the photo album. Ike comes running in. IKE Bo ham me!! Kyle looks at Ike, then at the door... DOCTOR SCHWARTZ Ike? Ike... Ike jumps into Kyle's lap. Kyle looks surprised. IKE Kyle... Protect me. Kyle looks almost like he wants to cry. MUSIC SWELLS. Ike wraps his little arms around Kyle's neck. Kyle is shocked. Just then, Kyle's door opens and the doctor walks in holding his metal tool. DOCTOR SCHWARTZ There you are. Come on, Ike. It's time. Kyle stands, Ike is still holding onto him. KYLE YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY LITTLE BROTHER!!! DOCTOR SCHWARTZ But son, I just -- KYLE You aren't going to cut off his wee- wee. Not today you sick ass weirdo! KYLE'S MOTHER Kyle, what are you talking about? KYLE AND YOU! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT US MALES ARE DEFINED BY OUR FIREMEN?! CARTMAN Yes, the fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet he spits in your eye. DOCTOR SCHWARTZ Kyle... A circumcision is very common thing for Ike to have. His father had it... His grandfather had it... And... his BROTHER had it. Kyle's eyes grow wide. KYLE No... No, it isn't true! DOCTOR SCHWARTZ We're not going to cut it off. We're just going to snip it, so that it looks bigger. STAN Oh... Hey that doesn't sound like a bad idea. CARTMAN Yeah, I wanna get a circumstition too! Kyle thinks. EXT. BETTY FORD CLINIC Mr. Mackey looks like his old self as he is led out the clinic's door. SOCIAL WORKER Congratulations, Mr. Mackey. You are fully recovered. COUNSELOR I can't thank you enough for everything, okay. I feel like my old self again. SOCIAL WORKER Just one more thing... She takes Mackey's tie and puts it around his neck. She tightens it so tight that his head goes back to the odd shape it always was. SOCIAL WORKER Remember that you CAN stay sober! COUNSELOR I will, Ms. Social Worker, I will! Okay? INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY Everybody is gathered around Ike and the Doctor in a big circle with wide eyed anticipation. KYLE It's okay, Ike. I'm here. DOCTOR SCHWARTZ And a one, and a two and a... BRIS! SNIP! IKE ABA BABA!! Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Kenny all pass out. The small crowd does a cocktail clap and then immediately starts dispersing and conversing. Ike hobbles over to Kyle. IKE Baba ama mama. Kyle wakes up. KYLE Ike... You're okay. The boys all get up. STAN Wow, dude. I guess having a Bris isn't all that bad. KYLE Yeah, you know I've learned something today. Family isn't about who's blood you have. It's about who you care about. STAN Yeah. KYLE And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. Everybody smiles and starts to wonder off. KYLE Except for Cartman. STAN Naturally. CARTMAN Screw you guys! I don't WANT to be in your penis chopping family anyway! EPILOGUE EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY Establishing. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY MR. GARRISON And so now, children, your school counselor is back. To tell you FIRST HAND about his nasty experience with drugs and alcohol. Mr. Mackey walks up to the front looking like his old self. COUNSELOR Okay, kids, you shouldn't do drugs. Okay? Drugs are bad. You see, I was at the bottom of the barrel. I was a wreck. The kids stare on, wide-eyed. COUNSELOR Why, I didn't even care about money.... Garrison shakes his head. COUNSELOR I was wasting my life, hiking in the Himalayas..... CARTMAN Hey, you guys want to come to my Bris tomorrow? STAN You can't have your Bris tomorrow Cartman. That's when I'm having mine. CARTMAN No way, I set up mine first hippie. COUNSELOR Now boys, you need to listen up. Okay? What I'm talking about might save your life someday? Okay? STAN Okay, Mr. Mackey Okay? COUNSELOR Okay? KYLE Okay? COUNSELOR Okay? CARTMAN Okay? COUNSELOR Okay, Now as I was saying, Drugs are bad. You shouldn't do drugs. If you do them you're bad. Because drugs are bad, Okay? It's a bad thing to do drugs. So don't be bad by doing drugs. Okay? That'd be bad, 'Cause drugs are bad. Okay? THE END