"SOUTH PARK" Episode 205 "Conjoined Fetus Lady" Written by Trey Parker, Matt Stone, David Goodman INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY The kids are all gathered around Chef. CHEF Okay, children, it's Friday and you know what that means for P.E. class... we're gonna play DODGEBALL!! The kids all moan. KYLE We don't wanna play dodgeball it hurts. STAN Yeah! CHEF -- So let's have half the children on this side, and half the children on that side. The kids all whine and head for their respective corners. Pip quickly catches up to the four boys. PIP Uh, excuse me a moment, gentlemen. I don't believe I know how to play dodgeball. CARTMAN What?! Don't you have dodgeball in France? PIP Well, no. And actually I'm not from France. STAN Look, Pip, the rules are simple. A kid from that team is gonna try to bean a kid on our team in the head with a big red ball -- PIP Oh, dear... STAN If the ball hits you, you're out. But if you CATCH the ball, HE'S out. And the last team to still have anybody standing wins. PIP Oh what jolly good fun! KYLE No it isn't, it hurts. I can't believe they let us play this in school. The kids all line up. Chef blows a whistle. CHEF PLAY BALL!! A kid from the B team (That's the team WITHOUT Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny) throws the ball as hard as he can. The ball immediately SMACKS into the face of an unprepared A team player (Clyde). Clyde flies to the ground, and starts crying immediately. KYLE DAMMIT! WE'VE LOST ONE ALREADY! CHEF (laughing) You're out, Clyde!! STAN JORDAN, SWANSON, PULL FORWARD!! WE NEED BACKUP!!! Jordan and Swanson take obediently take their spots. The B team player again hurls the ball. SMACK!! It nails Jordan in the stomach, sending him backwards into the wall. STAN WE'RE LOSING MEN FAST OUT HERE!! Chef yells out some coaching tips. CHEF (still laughing) Concentrate on your game... Be the ball... The team B player lets one fly. It heads for Kyle's face, but at the last second, Kyle snags it from the air. KYLE I CAUGHT IT!! I CAUGHT IT!!! CHEF Great catch, Kyle! Now your team's on offense!! KYLE Here, pip, you throw. Kyle throws the ball to Pip. PIP Oh, no I couldn't. KYLE Come on, limey! Don't be a wuss! PIP But -- KYLE Are you just gonna be a little French pansy your whole life?! PIP I'm not Fren -- KYLE Throw the ball you stupid frog! Pip seems to be getting angry. KYLE God damn, maybe if you didn't eat all those croissants you'd be able -- Suddenly, Pip throws the ball violently at Kyle. Kyle immediately crashes to the floor. KYLE YOW!!! Chef runs over. CHEF Okay, that was pretty good, Pip, but you're supposed to hit kids on the other team. Kyle gets up, holding his nose. KYLE OW! My nose! You broke my nose!! CARTMAN (to Pip) Damn, Pip, I didn't know you had it in you. PIP Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry... CHEF That nose is bleeding pretty bad, Kyle. I think you might have to go to the Nurse's office. MUSIC STING. Kyle looks horrified. All the children look horrified. KYLE No... No it'll be okay... CHEF Sorry, son. You'll have to let the nurse look at it. Come on. Chef pulls Kyle away by the arm. KYLE No! NOOooooo!! CARTMAN Dude... He's going to the nurse's office. CLYDE I heard the school nurse is hideously deformed!! BEBE I heard she has tentacles and eats children for lunch! Cartman slowly walks up to Stan, who is worriedly watching Kyle be dragged away. CARTMAN Stan... Has anybody actually seen the nurse, and come back to tell about it? STAN No, Cartman... Nobody ever has... The two boys swallow hard. EXT. NURSES OFFICE - DAY Establishing. INT. NURSE'S OFFICE - DAY Kyle is sitting alone on the Nurse's operating table. Everything is silent and still... Kyle looks scared shitless. He's shaking violently. There is the smallest little BUMP. Kyle jolts and looks to his left where a little mouse scurries away. Kyle breathes a sigh of relief. Then, he hears the door opening. CREEEEEEEAAKKKK.... Kyle can't take it. He closes his eyes. NURSE (O.S.) Are you Kyle Broflovski? KYLE (eyes still shut) Y-Yes. NURSE I'm the school nurse. Did you hurt your nose? KYLE Y-Yes. NURSE Young man, why do you have your eyes closed? I'm not going to hurt you. KYLE I know. NURSE So open them. The music builds and builds and finally reaches a climax as Kyle pops his eyes open. Kyle smiles. Standing before him, is a fairly attractive, quite normal looking woman in her late thirties. Kyle's smiles widens and he takes a deep breath. KYLE Oh, whew!! NURSE Now what seems to be the problem? KYLE Aw, I just hit my nose playing dodgeball. NURSE Oh, well I'll get you an ice pack. Now the nurse turns to her right. And Kyle sees, to his horror, that she has a small, dead fetus growing outside of her head. KYLE AAAGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!! Huge music STAB. NURSE What? KYLE AGHAGaGHGHGH!!!!! NURSE Oh, I see you've noticed my disorder. I have a still born fetus growth attached to my head. KYLE AGAHGAHGAHAHGGHH!!!!!! EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT Establishing. INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT All the boys are gathered around Kyle, who is relating his story. KYLE And when she moved up and down, the little fetus jiggled!! BOYS EW!!! CARTMAN Did it talk? The little fetus, did it talk? KYLE No, no. It looked dead! BOYS EW!!! STAN Was it wearing clothes? KYLE Dude, where is she gonna get fetus clothes? STAN Oh, yeah. EW!!! BOYS EW!!! KYLE And then she walked over to the -- KYLE'S MOTHER KYLE! THAT IS ENOUGH!! The boys all snap their heads towards Ms. Broflovski, who is holding a large encyclopedia. KYLE'S MOTHER I've been reading up on your poor nurse's condition, and it is nothing to be made fun of. It's called Conjoined Twin Msylexia. CARTMAN Who the hell cares what it's called, as long as she doesn't touch me. KYLE'S MOTHER Now that's just the kind of unawareness that we need to fight against. Sit down, boys. The boys reluctantly sit. Ms. Broflovski sits in a chair with the encyclopedia entitled "Freaks A-Z" in her lap. MUSIC begins like it's storytime. KYLE'S MOTHER You see, boys, sometimes when babies are born, they're born as twins. But sometimes the twins get hooked together, and they're born as 'Siamese Twins'. She shows them a picture from the encyclopedia. (Use a real picture) BOYS Gross!! KYLE'S MOTHER But sometimes, after the Siamese twins are joined together, one of the twins dies before birth. The living baby is born with the dead baby still attached. The boys look petrified. KYLE'S MOTHER Sometimes this dead twin is inside the living person. So even YOU could have a dead twin inside you and not even know it!!! Stan and Cartman SCREAM and run out the door. KYLE'S MOTHER So now that you are educated about her disease, you won't need to make fun of her, right Boobie? KYLE Uh... yeah. Kyle's mother gets up and walks away. Kyle just sits there, scared stiff. He finally roles his eyes over to Kenny, who breaks out laughing. Kyle doesn't laugh with him, so Kenny eventually stops. INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN Kyle's mom is in the kitchen cooking, as Kyle's father reads the paper at the kitchen table. KYLE'S MOTHER Can you imagine that poor, poor woman? KYLE'S FATHER (not paying attention) Mmm mm. KYLE'S MOTHER Feeling like an outcast, Being ridiculed every day... KYLE'S FATHER Mmm mm. The phone rings. Sheila answers it. KYLE'S MOTHER Hello? INT. STAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT Stan's mother is on the other end. STAN'S MOTHER Hello, Sheila, it's Sharon, Stan's mother? CROSSCUT KYLE'S MOTHER Oh yes, hello, Sharon. STAN'S MOTHER Sheila, I was wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick? In the background, we can see little Stan going crazy. His father is holding him back. STAN No, no! I have to get it out!! KYLE'S MOTHER Well, Sharon, I was just trying to educate them about Conjoined Twin Myslexia STAN'S MOTHER So this IS your fault. Would you do me a favor? Next time you want to scare the hell out of my child just go outside and sit in the road until a truck runs you over instead. Click. Kyle's mother just thinks with the phone in her hand. KYLE'S MOTHER That does it. I must educate the entire town about this awful disease!! KYLE'S FATHER Mmm mm. EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY Morning establishing. INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY The kids are all standing in their dodgeball uniforms, looking confused. STAN Dude, I don't get it. Why are we supposed to play dodgeball again? CARTMAN Yeah, I thought we only played on Fridays. Chef comes running in with a piece of paper. CHEF Children! Great news! We've been asked to play in the State FINALS for dodgeball!! Again the kids moan. STAN Aw, do we have to? KYLE Can't we just play with that big parachute again or something? CHEF You don't understand, children! If we can win State, we can play in the nationals in Washington D.C.!!! CARTMAN Hey! They have a zoo there!! CHEF That's right! Now come on, we have a LOT of practicing to do!!! The kids start to take their places. STAN Aren't we supposed to have WON something in order to go to State Finals? KYLE Hey, Pip, you want to be on my team again? Pip looks absolutely thrilled. PIP I'd love to! CARTMAN Just try not to send anybody to that monster nurse this time Frenchy. PIP Hey, I get quite disturbed when you call me that. You shouldn't make fun of foreigners. And besides, I hate French people. Chef blows his whistle and a "B" team member hurls the ball and knocks Bebe out. The kids all laugh. INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY Kyle's mother is sitting in the Principal's office with Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Well, Mrs. Broflovski, it certainly is a thrill seeing your cheery face again. What seems to be pissing you off today? KYLE'S MOTHER Nothing is pissing me off. I just want to start a movement. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Of course you do. KYLE'S MOTHER I want to talk to you all about your school nurse. The Principal and Mr. Mackey exchange looks. COUNSELOR Uh, Nurse Gollem is absolutely qualified to -- KYLE'S MOTHER No. no, no, I'm not upset about her. I want to make the public aware of her. Her disease should be brought to light, so that it can be understood rather than made fun of. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Oh... And what disease is that? COUNSELOR Uh, Principal Victoria, Nurse Gollem has Conjoined Twin Myslexia PRINCIPAL VICTORIA What's that? KYLE'S MOTHER She has a dead fetus attached to her head. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA She does?! COUNSELOR You've never noticed that? PRINCIPAL VICTORIA No, I never did... KYLE'S MOTHER Well, that's exactly what I'm talking about. This poor woman is forced to live in the shadows because she feels like an outcast. It is up to US to make her feel comfortable and welcome in our town. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Did you say a fetus? Sticking out from her head? KYLE'S MOTHER I want to invite your nurse to a dinner party at my house this evening. I'd appreciate it if both you and Mr. Mackey would attend. COUNSELOR Do we have to eat Kosher stuff? PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Well, I'll talk to Nurse Gollem, but I'm sure she'll be delighted. Let's say around eight? KYLE'S MOTHER Wonderful. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Now you DID say she has a fetus on her head? EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD The big yellow school bus drives down the road, past a sign that reads 'Denver - 45 miles'. INT. SCHOOLBUS Ms. Crabtree is at the wheel. Chef is in the front seat, and the boys are in the back. CHEF Okay, children, now WHO'S GONNA WIN THE STATE FINALS?!?! The kids don't respond. CLYDE (very softly) Denver? CHEF (chanting) HERE WE GO CO-OWS, HERE WE GO, UH- UH!! HERE WE GO CO-OWS, HERE WE GO, UH-UH!! Chef walks up next to the driving Ms. Crabtree. CHEF I think we need to get off on this exit... MS. CRABTREE SIT DOWN, KID!! CHEF But it's quicker to get to the Denver school THAT way! MS. CRABTREE DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL?!?! CHEF How many times do I have to explain this to you? I'm not a student, you can't give me an office referral, and -- MS. CRABTREE I SAID SIT DOOOOWWWWNNNN!!!! CHEF (sitting quickly) Yes ma'am. ACT II EXT. DENVER PUBLIC SCHOOL The school bus pulls up to the immaculate, glass building. KYLE Woa, dude. This is a school?! INT. DENVER PUBLIC SCHOOL Tons of parents have turned out for the dodgeball State finals. The coach of the Denver team walks over to shake Chef's hand. DENVER COACH Hello, there. I'm Bob Thomas the coach for the Denver Cougars. CHEF I'm Chef. Coach of the South Park Cows. DENVER COACH Well, I certainly want to thank you for bringing your team down. Apparently nobody else would play us because they know we'd just beat 'em silly. So I told the school board to find me some hick school from the mountains, and here you are. You're from South Park, yeah? CHEF Yeah. DENVER COACH My God, amazing where people can live nowadays. Well, we might as well get this over with, we gotta start thinking about D.C. Promise we won't make it too painful. The coach slaps Chef on the back and trots away. Chef looks pissed. REFEREE Play ball! EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT Establishing. INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT Seated around the dinner table are Kyle's mother, Kyle's father, Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Nurse Gollem, and the dead fetus. Everybody just sits and eats, uncomfortably. Nobody says a word. Finally, Kyle's mother tries to break the ice. KYLE'S MOTHER So... Uh... Where did you get your degree, Nurse Gollem? PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Colorado State. KYLE'S MOTHER Oh... PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Ah... More uncomfortable silence. KYLE'S FATHER Sheila, could you pass me the dead fetus -- I mean, gravy. Kyle's mother smacks Gerald under the table. KYLE'S FATHER Ow! EXT. DENVER PUBLIC SCHOOL Establishing. INT. DENVER PUBLIC SCHOOL A WHISTLE blows, and Token is smacked in the head with the ball. He falls to the ground, bleeding. The parents in the stands cheer wildly. That leaves only Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny and Pip on the cows side and -- The entire Denver school team still standing on their end of the court. CHEF Dammit! Come on, somebody catch the ball!! Behind Chef, all the kids sit looking like war victims. DENVER COACH Alright boys, just five more of the little bastards to go! The cocky Denver player winds up to take another shot. But this time, the ball sticks into Cartman's stomach. Cartman quickly puts his arms around it. CARTMAN I caught it! I caught it! DENVER PLAYER Aw, that's not fair! He's so fat it stuck in his belly!! REFEREE South Park on Offense! CHEF Great job children! Just stay focused now! KYLE Go for it, Pip. Kyle tosses Pip the ball. PIP Oh, bother. Pip looks at the ball like it smells. KYLE COME ON YOU FRENCHY LITTLE FROG!!! PIP GAAA!! Pip hurls the ball. It knocks two Denver kids out at once. CHEF WOA! Great shot, Pip!! INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - NIGHT The adults are still eating in uncomfortable silence. Finally, Principal Victoria pipes up. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA So, I hear that the South Park Cows are playing for State Finals in dodgeball tonight. COUNSELOR Yeah... But it doesn't matter, though. The Denver team always wins, okay? KYLE'S FATHER Oh, I don't know. I think our boys might just have the dead fetus to win. Heart! Kyle's mother smacks Gerald so hard he falls out of his chair. KYLE'S MOTHER GERALD!! KEEP YOUR DAMN MOUTH SHUT!! NURSE It's okay, Ms. Broflovski, really. KYLE'S MOTHER Please forgive us. I'm terribly sorry, Nurse Gollem. NURSE No, I'm quite secure with it. KYLE'S MOTHER I have felt so bad ever since I heard the boys making fun of you. NURSE GOLLUM They're just young boys. Joking is a way for them to come to terms with what they don't understand. COUNSELOR Could I get some more pork? PRINCIPAL VICTORIA So did you ever think of just, you know, having it cut off? NURSE GOLLUM (with a sigh) Yes, Principal Victoria, the thought had occurred to me. Unfortunately, it would mean my death. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Oh, so I suppose that's out... How about a hat, then? NURSE No, really, I -- KYLE'S MOM Yes, we could get you a FEW hats, and wear a different one every day, no big whoop. NURSE GOLLUM I really appreciate what you are trying to do here, but it's not necessary. I'm a pretty happy person. KYLE'S MOM I've got it!! We could set aside a whole WEEK to make the public aware of folks just like you! PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Ooh, yes, a 'Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week'. You know that has a nice ring! NURSE But I relly don't think -- COUNSELOR The school could put out pamphlets, okay? and we could have seminars to educate, okay? KYLE'S MOTHER Oh, this is so exciting! I'm going to get the mayor on the phone RIGHT NOW!! Kyle's mother, Principal Victoria and the Counselor all get up from their chairs and dash towards the phone. Nurse Gollem sits for a few seconds, then looks at Gerald, who fakes a smile. INT. DENVER PUBLIC SCHOOL - NIGHT Chef is standing next to the boys with the ball. CHEF You just got one more, Pip... We see that there is indeed only one Denver player left. He looks very nervous. CHEF You get this kid and we're State Champions. Chef walks away. CARTMAN Yeah, and if you don't... You're a big dumbass European Hippie piece of crap. Pip stares the Denver player down. The Denver player gets in a stance, starts to look confident. Pip winds up to take the shot -- KYLE Get 'em Frenchy! PIP GAAA!! The ball soars into the poor Denver player's mouth. In slo mo we see the little kid get bathed in blood and fly unconscious to the hard ground. REFEREE SOUTH PARK WINS!!! CHEF We did it children!! We did it!! We're going to Washington D.C.!!! The South Park kids all fall down and moan from pain and exhaustion. Two paramedics dressed as clowns appear with a stretcher. DENVER PLAYER (crying horrifically) OWIIEE!!! MOMMY IT HURTS!! IT HURTS!! They load the kid on the stretcher, but then walk off with just the stretcher not the kid. The crowd cheers with delight as the Denver coach looks on with disbelief. CHEF Oh, sorry about whooping your ass there, Coach! (singing) Ooh baby, come on, just whooped Denver's ass. Gonna need some cream for your ass. It's turnin' red. EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY The large stage (from Weight Gain 4000) is again set up in the middle of town. The Mayor addresses the large crowd of townspeople. MAYOR Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed a great week for South Park. Ms. Hermans has opened the East wing of the library, and our own South Park Cows Elementary school dodgeball team is going to the national finals! Where they will undoubtedly be beaten senseless by the Washington team. The townspeople cheer. MAYOR But most importantly, this week has brought to my attention a very serious and dreaded disease. Conjoined Twin Myslexia. Kyle's mother nudges his dad. MAYOR And so it is in honor of this, that I declare this exciting week as 'Conjoined Twin Myselxia Week'! The crowd cheers. MAYOR And now, let's kick off our week long festivities with the first annual 'Grand Conjoined Parade'! PARADE MUSIC begins. We can see a parade route, and everybody standing on the sidewalks to get a view. MAYOR Let's hear it for these brave souls!! The parade music gets louder, and Nurse Gollem, all by herself, walks through frame, waving to a couple people halfheartedly. As she walks out of frame, the parade music gets softer. MAYOR What a glorious parade that was!! Let's hear it for the parade coordinators!! The mayor gestures to about eleven guys in suits, who stand up and take a bow. Everyone applauds. NURSE You know, Mayor, I really should be accompanying those kids to Washington in case they get hurt. That IS my job. MAYOR Nonsense! This is YOUR week! You aren't going anywhere! INT. SCHOOLBUS Ms. Crabtree drives the kiddies again. CHEF How much further is Washington D.C.? MS. CRABTREE SIT DOWN KID!! CHEF I need to know how far it is, lady!! MS. CRABTREE I SAID SIT DOWN!!! CHEF Yeah, whatever, you old dried up fat hog. MS. CRABTREE WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?! CHEF I said 'I've always wanted to visit Prague'. MS. CRABTREE Oh, me too. Meanwhile, the boys are in the back of the bus. STAN Okay, what have you got? Kyle looks through his brown paper bag. KYLE Some hadkafish... Some Gafagga... CARTMAN I got a jelly roll! I got a jelly roll!! STAN Sweet! A jelly roll is perfect!! Places!!! Kyle holds one side of a rod, Cartman holds the other. Stan loads the pie into onto the rubber band like a giant sling shot. Stan lets it go -- Ms. Crabtree gets SMACKED in the back of the head with the Jelly roll. MS. CRABTREE OW!! Her face hits the windshield. The bus swerves out of control. BOYS Woa!! EXT. WASHINGTON D.C. Establishing. The school bus drives in and plows right into the side of the Vietnam memorial. EXT. ULYSSES S. GRANT ELEMENTARY A lot of people have showed up for the big game. Chef and the kids walk in to the large, decorated auditorium. CHEF Damn man, this is the big time alright... STAN Chef, we're hungry. CHEF You can eat after the game. You children win this one and your national champions! Then you go on and play the Chinese. CARTMAN My mom says there's a lot of black people in China. CHEF What? But Chef is interrupted by a geeky looking referee. REFEREE Are you Chef? CHEF Yeah. REFEREE The Washington team has forfeited the game. Congratulations, you're national champions. CHEF What?! WE DID IT, CHILDREN WE WON!! TRIUMPHANT MUSIC. KYLE Wow, that was easy. The crowd boos. ANNOUNCER Ladies and Gentlemen, let's hear a round of applause for the new national champions of dodgeball... THE SOUTH PARK COWS!!! Everyone Cheers halfheartedly. Stan and the boys walk over to the Washington bench, where all the kids are getting ready to leave. STAN Hey, why did you guys forfeit? WASHINGTON KID You mean you don't know? KYLE Know what? The lights dim... OMINOUS MUSIC begins. WASHINGTON KID Last year's national champions were the Austin Pirates. They played China for the world championship... Only four of them came back alive. The boys eyes pop. WASHINGTON KID The Chinese dodgeball players aren't like us... EXT. CHINA SCHOOL Establishing. INT. CHINA SCHOOL The Chinese children, (who all look alike, naturally) are dressed in little red uniforms. They do their exercises preparing for the big game. CHINESE COACH Pur chyang ler sher!! Won ton pooya chyung chyang!! WASHINGTON KID (V.O.) They do nothing but dodgeball day in, and day out. They use steroids and advanced training equipment to make them not kids, but animals... The kids work harder and harder. A Chinese man in a white coat walks up and down giving the kids steroid shots in the arm. INT. WASHINGTON D.C. - GYMNASIUM The boys are listening with horror. WASHINGTON KID Well, good luck. We've got our futures to think about. The Washington kids leave. CHEF (happily) Okay children, back in the bus! ACT III INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT There is a large banquet hall in the Mayor's building. It is quite large, and has lots of round tables with immaculate place settings. Everybody is dressed formally in black tie and dresses. MAYOR And so, at this honorary dinner, we take a look back at our beloved Nurse Gollem and the brave life she has lived. Roll the tape please, Mr. Garrison. Nurse Gollem is sitting at a table looking embarrassed. NURSE Oh no... Mr. Garrison, in his tux with a fetus on his head, turns on a projector. The film begins SCREEN A title comes up 'CONJOINED COURAGE: The life of Nurse Hilary Gollem' CHEESY MUSIC begins ala Neil Diamond. SONG YOU'VE GOT THE STRENGTH, YOU'VE GOT THE COURAGE, EVEN WITH A DEAD FETUS ON YOUR HEAD. YOU CARRY ON, YOU FIGHT FOR TOMORROW DEAD FETUS OR NO, YOU NEVER LET GO. YOUR MY CONJOINED TWIN, DEAD THING HANGING OFF OF YOUR HEAD WOMAN. As this song plays, still images of Nurse Gollem doing stupid mundane things like driving, painting her house, shopping and doing a puzzle. RESUME - MAYOR'S BUILDING When the film is over there isn't a dry eye in the house. OFFICER BARBRADY Oh that was so touching. MAYOR And now, friends, it's time to present the lifetime conjoined twin achievement award. This award goes to outstanding conjoined twins who have made a mark on society and the winner is... She opens an envelope. NURSE (knowing what's coming) Nurse Gollem. MAYOR (Reading envelope) NURSE GOLLEM!!! Glorious music begins everybody applauds. A spotlight hits the nurse. NURSE Oh boy... But just then, Jimbo runs up to the podium. JIMBO Excuse me Mayor, but I just received some news you might all be interested in. Our South Park cows have just BEATEN the Washington dodgeball team, and are on their way to the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP IN CHINA!!! The room erupts with cheers. INT. SCHOOL BUS - DAY The school bus makes its way down a nondescript road. CHEF Okay children, now we're almost to China. I want you all to try and focus on your game. STAN But Chef, we don't WANT to play the Chinese! CHEF Nonsense! If we win this one we're WORLD CHAMPIONS!! KYLE But we could get killed! CHEF And what price would you pay for eternal glory? Just imagine a big yellow 'dodgeball champions' banner hanging in the cafeteria! Imagine it!! STAN Dude, Chef has lost it. CHEF It'll be on the news all over the world! South Park will finally have a sport that its good at! Oh children, it'll be glorious! CARTMAN So, Captain Ahab has to get his whale, huh? Chef stops and looks at Cartman. KYLE Dude what does that mean? Cartman shrugs. CARTMAN I don't know. STAN Hey, isn't that kid Kevin Chinese? Kevin, who looks just like any other kid but with black hair, turns around. KYLE Yeah, you're from China! KEVIN No, I'm from AMERICA. My PARENTS are Chinese. STAN Tell us how the Chinese play dodgeball. KEVIN I have no idea, dude. CARTMAN Come on, ricepicker! CHEF HEY, HEY, HEY!!!!! Silence. CHEF Children, that's NOT COOL. You don't make fun of somebody because of their ethnicity STAN You don't? KYLE But Chef, YOU just ripped on Chinese people. CHEF No, no, no, no, no, that's different. I made fun of them because they are FROM China. You see, it's NOT okay to make fun of an American because they're black or brown or whatever, but it IS okay to make fun of foreigners because they're from another country. KIDS Ohhh... KEVIN Yeah! EXT. CHINA SCHOOL - DAY The big, yellow school bus pulls up in front of the shitty little Chinese school. INT. CHINA SCHOOL All the Chinese parents are gathered on one side of the gym. CHINESE ANNOUNCER It is a with great pride, that we welcome our American friends. Now, let the champions of dodgeball be decide! Chinese music and pageantry begins. Gongs and whistles, woman throwing silk. STAN Damn, dude. China is fucked up. REFEREE TAKE PLACES! The cows go to their end of the gym. Chef goes to the sidelines. CHEF ALRIGHT, LET'S GO COWS! LET'S SHOW 'EM WHAT WE GOT!! Two Chinese announcer guys are in a booth, just like the two white guys in Big Gay Al's. CHINESE SPORTSCASTER Okay, Tom rooks rike the Americans are getting ready to play... I don't suppose they'll have any problems SEEING the ball with their BIG American Eyes! The two sportscasters laugh. CHINESE SPORTSCASTER 2 Yea! Good thing they have those big eyes so they don't have to rely on that AMAZING AMERICAN INTELLECT!! The laugh even harder. CHINESE SPORTSCASTER Oh, you say such things. CHINESE SPORTSCASTER 2 That's a zinger! REFEREE PLAY BALL!! The Chinese player hurls the ball like a bolt of lightening. It hits Clyde between the eyes, flipping head over heels right off the playing field. CHEF Holy crap... Another Chinese player throws the ball. Again the speed and accuracy is amazing. It knocks Kyle in the balls. Kyle doubles, over holding himself. Before he can recover, the Chinese player again launches the ball, the time hitting Kyle right between the eyes. He falls to the ground. CHEF God damn... CHINESE SPORTSCASTER Hey, hey, what you call white American person with P.H.D. in Physics and math? CHINESE SPORTSCASTER 2 I don't know, what? CHINESE SPORTSCASTER Stupid American! The two sportscasters laugh merrily. The Chinese player hands the ball to another teammate. This Chinese kid winds up and throws a ball at Cartman. CARTMAN AAGH! Cartman tries to run, but the ball catches him in the back, knocking him head over heels. ANNOUNCER OH! Another American is down! It's, number... uh... Oh I don't know all Americans look alike! They laugh merrily. Another ball is quickly launched. This one hits Kenny dead on, blowing him backwards into the cement wall, where he breaks every bone in his body and sticks like a wet sponge. STAN OH MY GOD THEY KILLED KENNY! Kyle is still lying on the floor, but manages to barely lift his arm. We don't even see his face. KYLE (weakly) you... bastards... Another Chinese player lines up. CHINESE ANNOUNCER Oh my, I haven't seen an American die like that since Abraham Lincoln! CHINESE ANNOUNCER 2 Dude! That is not cool. You're gonna get us into trouble again! EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY On the stage, the Mayor again takes her place at the microphone. MAYOR Ladies and gentlemen, on this fourth day of Conjoined Twin Myslexia week, all our prayers are with our little South Park Cows now playing their hearts out in China. Now, join me in saluting our Cows, and help make Nurse Gollem not feel like an outcast, with our first official CONJOINED TWIN MYSLEXIA HATS!! The mayor puts a hat on her head, that says 'go cows' and also has a large plastic fetus hanging off the side. The townspeople follow suit, putting on their ridiculous looking hats. Now everybody has a little fetus hanging off their head. Nurse Gollem can't believe her eyes. EXT. CHINA SCHOOL Establishing. Time passes. INT. CHINESE GYMNASIUM - DAY Chef is standing on the sidelines looking desperate. All the South Park players are on the bench behind him, looking in desperate need of medical attention. ANNOUNCER And there is only one South Park player left. Still all Chinese players... This should be over very shortly. The Chinese players all smirk and take aim at poor, lonely, scared shitless Pip. The Chinese players wait for Pip to throw the ball. CHINESE PLAYER #1 Come on! Throw Ball! ANNOUNCER #2 Hey, you wanna hear my impersonation of American? ANNOUNCER Yeah! yeah! ANNOUNCER #2 Okay -- (American accent) Hey I really really want that, that looks good. The announcers laugh their asses off. ANNOUNCER Hey, hey, hey, let me try, let me try. (American accent) I'll use my Credit Card. They laugh even harder. They fall out of their chairs. ANNOUNCER Do you have any non-dairy creamer? ANNOUNCER #2 Yes!!!! Yes!!!!!... Y'all come a back now ya hear. Chef looks around sadly at his beaten little players. CHEF Oh what have I done? Cartman pulls up a seat next to Chef and starts eating a tootie bar. CHEF You know, Eric... I just realized something. I've been obsessed. And obsession isn't good. Cartman looks at Chef, smacking his lips. CHEF If we had won the world championship... What then? It would only be a bigger let down the next year if we DIDN'T win. Cartman says nothing. CHEF Our lives would have to revolve around dodgeball... Our lives were fine before. Cartman scratches his ass and farts. Meanwhile, little Kevin quietly walks over to the Chinese team. Chef stands up and addresses his beaten players. CHEF Oh, I'm sorry children. I let it all go to my head. Can you ever forgive me? Come on, forget this stupid game. Let's go home! On the field, Pip is standing with the ball facing the plethora of Chinese players. Pip still looks extremely nervous. CHINESE PLAYER #1 COME ON THROW BALL!! Kevin walks up to the Chinese player and whispers in his ear. KEVIN Hey, if you want to make him throw the ball, say this. Kevin hands the Chinese a piece of paper. CHINESE PLAYER #1 Thanks. You American dumb ass. Kevin walks away. CHINESE PLAYER #1 (reading) YOU FRENCH PIECE OF CRAP! THROW BALL!! Pip's eyebrows raise. CHINESE PLAYER #1 WHAT'S MATTER FRENCHY?! YOU GOT CREPES IN YOUR EARS?! The Chinese players all laugh. Pip turns red and starts to shake. Another Chinese player grabs the piece of paper and reads off of it. PIP AAAAAAGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!! Pip spins around and around. He becomes like a starburst of energy. The Chinese kids look nervous, as Pip let's the ball fly. It bounces around the entire gym, knocking down every Chink in its path. The Chinese kids all scream in pain and fall to the ground. As Pip's violent fury ends, not a single China player is standing. ANNOUNCER AND WINNER IS SOUTH PARK COWS!! Chef can't believe it. VICTORY MUSIC begins. PIP Everyone, everyone look, I won the game. we're world champions! Mr. Chef, Mr. Chef, South Park is the World Champion in dodgeball. Oh glorious day. CHEF Shut up Pip. The kids all moan. STAN Yeah, shut up pip. Can we go home now? PIP Did you all see? I can't believe I threw such a ball with my own arm. It was... KIDS SHUT UP PIP! EPILOGUE The Mayor's voice chimes out from the P.A. MAYOR As this year's Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness week draws to a close, I would like to personally thank all of you for your enthusiastic cooperation. Now let's hear it ONE MORE time for our WORLD CHAMPION South Park Cows!!! The townspeople cheer with fetuses attached to their heads. The boys, all still bandaged and bruised look confused. KYLE What the hell is everybody wearing on their heads? Stan shrugs. MAYOR And now let's hear from the woman of the week! The incredible, courageous NURSE GOLLEM!!!!! The townspeople all cheer again as Nurse Gollem takes the stage. KYLE AAAGHHH!!! STAN DUDE IT'S THE FREAK NURSE!! CARTMAN HOLY CRAP!! KYLE'S MOTHER Dammit, Kyle! We've been working all WEEK against that kind of behavior!! KYLE Well, sorry, dude, we weren't here. Nurse Gollem takes the stand. NURSE Thank you, Mayor... I, uh... I don't know what to say, this has been quite a week. Kyle's mom wipes a tear from her eye. KYLE'S MOTHER She's really touched. NURSE What I really want to say is... Well, this may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but you're all a bunch of freaks. Everyone looks surprised. MAYOR Uh... freaks with big hearts. And now -- NURSE Don't you realize that the last thing I ever wanted was to be singled out? I just wanted to do my job and live my life like any normal person, but instead you've made everybody focus on my handicap all week long. Everyone looks at each other. NURSE Look, I don't want to be treated different. I don't want to be treated special. Or treated gingerly. I just want to be ridiculed, shouted at and made fun of, like all the rest of you do to each other. And take those stupid things off your heads. Nurse Gollem walks away, leaving the whole town to sit in silence with their fetus masks. Just keep cutting to different groups of people, all of whom feel ridiculous and have nothing to say. PRINCIPAL VICTORIA Oh my, what an ungrateful bitch. KYLE'S MOTHER Yeah, the nerve of some people. KYLE Hey! You know that nurse is actually pretty cool! STAN Yeah, maybe that dead fetus makes her smarter. CARTMAN I love you guys... Oh screw you guys! THE END