"SOUTH PARK" Episode 206 "The Mexican Staring Frog Of Southern Sri Lanka" Written by Trey Parker, Matt Stone INT. T.V. SET A TITLE comes up; 'HUNTIN' and KILLIN' with Jimbo and Ned'. NARRATOR And now back to Huntin' and Killin' with South Park's favorite hunters Jimbo and Ned! EXT. JIMBO AND NED'S PORCH - DAY JIMBO I'm Jimbo Kern and this here is Ned. Say hi, Ned. NED Hi, Ned. JIMBO HAAAAA!!! HAA-HAA!!! Now isn't that great?! Jimbo looks to the camera guy who gives Jimbo a 'thumbs up' As Jimbo talks, titles come up "Pussy Law #4: No animal shall be harmed even in self defense, unless specific license and season is in order. Self defense can only be justified by extreme provable peril and or documented visible bodily harm. JIMBO We have a terrific show for you today. We're gonna kill some Elk and we're gonna kill some Mountain Goats. Now, the new law passed by Colorado legislature, which Ned and I call pussy law number FOUR -- states that we can no longer kill animals in defense. In other words, our old line of 'It's coming right for us' NED It's coming right for us. JIMBO -- No longer works. So now, we only kill animals to quote: "thin out their numbers". If we don't hunt, then these animals will grow too big in number and they won't have enough food. So you see? We have to kill animals or else they'll die. Jimbo and Ned have to just think about this one. The camera guy scratches his head. JIMBO Uhh... So roll the tape. EXT. SOUTH PARK - FOREST - DAY We see a video image of Jimbo and Ned in full hunting gear. JIMBO (V.O.) Here we are up at Schaeffer's Crossing, looking for some animals. Now we cut in to the video taped Jimbo and Ned. JIMBO Lookie there, Ned! There's some deers!! A delicate grouping of five deer stand around eating grass. JIMBO Quick, Ned! THIN OUT THEIR NUMBERS!!! NED THIN OUT THEIR NUMBERS! Ned takes out his flame thrower and barbecues all five of them. Their little deer skeletons fall to the ground. JIMBO Good work, Ned! Now they won't starve! EXT. JIMBO AND NED'S PORCH Back to the set. The boys are horrified. JIMBO That sure was a great hunting trip. We saved those deer from extinction. NED We're environmentalists. JIMBO Coming up next, were going to drop some napalm on an unsuspecting family of beavers. And also try to thin out the numbers of some endangered species. EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY Establishing. INT. CLASSROOM - DAY Mr. Garrison walks over to the chalkboard and writes 'Vietnam' in big letters. Cartman raises his hand. CARTMAN Mr. Garrison, what's Vietnam? MR. GARRISON What's Vietnam... A question a child might ask, but not a childish question... Garrison laughs. Stan and Kyle look at each other, confused. MR. GARRISON Children, for the next few days we'll be learning all about Vietnam. Chances are that somebody in YOUR OWN LIVES was affected by this incredible war. MR. HAT That's right, Mr. Garrison. The Vietnam war was sticky and icky. Kyle raises his hand. KYLE Mr. Garrison... Were YOU in Vietnam? Garrison gets a very serious look. ZOOM IN to his head, and the sounds of guns, screaming and helicopters echo in his mind. This is all done with archive footage of Vietnam. The kids all watch, perplexed. Garrison is in a trance, as the screaming and helicopter sounds get louder and louder. VOICE Who's next to take a shower? Ooo! Me!!! Suddenly, the sounds all come to a halt. Garrison snaps out of his trance, smiling. MR. GARRISON (matter-of-fact) No, I wasn't in Vietnam. But sometimes I like to pretend I was. (pause) Anyway, children, I'm going to assign you all a paper. The kids all moan. MR. GARRISON I want you all to find somebody in your own life who was in Vietnam, and interview them about it. CLYDE What if we don't know anybody who was in Vietnam? MR. GARRISON Then you get an F, fail the third grade, and have to get a job cleaning septic tanks to support your drug habit. CLYDE Oh. Stan turns to Kyle. STAN Dude, my uncle Jimbo was in Vietnam! KYLE Hey, yeah. He and Ned do that stupid TV show. INT. T.V. SET JIMBO And now, time for Jimbo's mysteries of the unexplained. One of our loyal viewers from South Park sent us some eight millimeter film of what HE claims to be... The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka! A video still picture of an artists' rendition of the frog. JIMBO Now as you all know, the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka can supposedly kill you with one horrid gaze. If a person even so much as looks into the frogs eyes, they can be paralyzed or even die! And this film proves that the frog may very well exist! The film begins. EXT. FOREST - DAY The camera shakes as if poorly hand-held. We see some trees. JIMBO Now watch carefully, you're going to see the Mexican Staring Frog... After a few more seconds, a very brief, very faint blur goes through the corner of the screen. JIMBO THERE! THERE! DID YOU SEE IT?!?! EXT. JIMBO AND NED'S PORCH - DAY JIMBO ROLL THAT BACK AGAIN!! EXT. FOREST - DAY The same film, again we see the blur. JIMBO NOW FREEZE IT!! It freezes into a bigger blur. EXT. JIMBO AND NED'S PORCH - DAY JIMBO Well, I'd like to know what all you skeptics have to say NOW!! What do you think Ned? NED I'm scared. JIMBO Well be sure to join us next time. Until then... (singing) We're so glad you spent your time with us, while we slaughtered our way through nature's guts, come again and stay a while, we'll kill a lot more living things and make them bleed. NED Good night! The show ends. CAMERAGUY And we're... CUT! Great show guys. Ned and Jimbo get up from their chairs and stretch. JIMBO Oh, lookie who's here! My little nephew Stanly! The boys walk over. JIMBO So, you're interested in your Uncle Jimbo's big T.V. show, huh? STAN No. We have to do a stupid report on Vietnam. You and Ned are the only guys we know who were there. JIMBO Oh. Yeah, we sure were. CARTMAN Was it fun? KYLE Cartman! What kind of stupid ass question is that?! Of course it was fun! JIMBO Well, sure, Vietnam was fun. But not like going to the circus fun. Or flyfishing in Montana fun. No, Vietnam was more like shoving shards of broken glass up your ass and then sitting in a tub of Tabasco sauce fun. STAN Woa. JIMBO Yepper, that's where me and Ned met.... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. VIETNAM CAMP - THIRTY YEARS AGO PAN ACROSS a very cliché Vietnam scene. 60's music plays in the background, as helicopters and troops walk around. It is a scene reminiscent of Platoon. Except that as the PAN continues, we see that there is also a merry-go-round, a beautiful garden with flowers, and a jolly log ride. JIMBO (V.O.) I remember I had just gotten off the Ferris wheel... A younger Jimbo walks off a big colorful Ferris Wheel in the middle of Camp. JIMBO Oh boy! What a gorgeous day! A bird flies down and lands on Jimbo's shoulder. It whistles a merry tune. Jimbo whistles in return. (Like Snow White). SARGEANT KERNS! Get over here! Jimbo walks over to a grouping of privates. SARGEANT The new privates are here. I'm assigning one of them to you as a trainee. NED Gerblanksi! The privates part, and Ned steps out. He looks a little different, he still has his arm and his beautiful voice. NED Ned Gerblanksi reporting, sir. SARGEANT Thanks Ned. The bad guys have been spotted about ten clicks north of here. I know that you and Kern are best suited to take them out. Are you up for it? JIMBO AND NED Sir yes SIR! INT. HELICOPTER - VIETNAM Ned and Jimbo are up in a helicopter. JIMBO (V.O.) Soon, it was all on just me and Ned to win the war for America. Jimbo is piloting. JIMBO Pass me some more cocoa, will you Ned? NED Certainly. And would you like another muffin as well? JIMBO Why the hell not, we're at war. Ned lights up yet another cigarette. JIMBO Hey you know those things are bad for your throat. NED No, that's all lies. I'll be fine. CHARLIES AT TWO O' CLOCK!! Down on the ground, THOUSANDS of Vietnamese scurry like ants. JIMBO I see 'em! Drop the bomb! NED THE BOMB'S NOT RELEASING!! JIMBO Oh no! NED It won't budge!! JIMBO Then we have only one option... Jimbo points the chopper downward and zooms towards the ground. NED What are you doing, man? JIMBO We have to take 'em out Ned! At all costs!! Die you red commie bastards!!! The chopper hurls towards the Vietnamese. Ned grabs Jimbo's hand as death flies towards them. CRASH!!! The chopper slams into a bunch of Vietnamese Soldiers. Jimbo and Ned jump out from the wreckage, shooting in all directions. Vietnamese die all over the place. Finally, Ned is out of bullets. He pulls out a grenade, pulls the pin and BAM!! It takes Ned's arm right off. NED YAAGHGH!!! Jimbo empties his gun. JIMBO Oh, no! Out of ammo! He draws a large elegant sword, then spots a mighty white stallion. Ned, meanwhile, uses martial arts expertly to fend off his Vietnamese attackers. Jimbo jumps onto the white steed and starts chopping up victims with his sword. Ned is like Chuck Norris. Finally, all the Vietnamese lie dead. JIMBO WE DID IT, NED! WE KILLED THE ENTIRE VIETCONG ARMY! Ned looks over the horizon, where he see thousands of dead bodies. NED Whoopee! Ned lights a smoke. JIMBO Let's get back to base camp! We can ride the log ride before it closes! Ned jumps on the back of the horse and the two ride off into the sunset. EXT. JIMBO AND NED'S PORCH JIMBO And that's the way it happened, boys. STAN Wow! CARTMAN Man, Vietnam was sweet! PRODUCER Great news guys! Your TV show ratings have doubled! JIMBO WOW! PRODUCER They've gone from SIX people to TWELVE! JIMBO Holy smokes! We could get an Emmy! EXT. SOUTH PARK PUBLIC ACCESS - DAY People are getting ready to shoot on the Jesus and Pals set. PRODUCER We've got to do it, J. Your ratings are being killed by the Jimbo and Ned Hunting Show. JESUS But I don't really care about that. PRODUCER Well you BETTER care, Mr. Smarty Pants. No ratings means no show. If you want to keep reaching out to people, you have to keep up with the times. JESUS Oh, all right... AD Alright, we're 10 seconds to air guys -- PRODUCER Remember: big, Big, BIG!!!! She runs off leaving Jesus looking pretty uncomfortable on stage. AD AND 5...4...3... A BAND kicks in with some funky music and spotlights circle the studio. SLICK GRAPHICS spin into frame with a big WHOOSH! ANNOUNCER It's your hour of power on mid-day mountain cable access. Put your hands together and welcome, the ONLY man in town who always has a FULLY stocked wine cellar.... JESUS CHRIST! The band ends with flourish. Fireworks go off behind the set. Jesus looks around a little confused. JESUS Uh... hi. The producer motions to Jesus to keep it going. JESUS Uh... yeah, okay -- Jesus reads straight from his note cards. JESUS -- Beginning today, we're taking the show in a new direction. We've got some VERY interesting people coming on the show this week for YOU, our viewers. Today's guest is TV's Gilligan... MR. BOB DENVER! A Tonight Show like entrance for happy jolly little Bob Denver. They sit down. ANNOUNCER Here's Bob Denver. JESUS Hi Bob Denver. BOB DENVER Hi Jesus! Great to be here! An awkward silence. LONG silence. JESUS So Bob... So you just get in town? BOB DENVER Yes. Just got in. Another awkward silence. JESUS So... So what've you been up to? BOB DENVER Nothing. Nothing really at all. Yet another long beat. The Producer makes a gesture and the band starts playing 'Nothing from Nothing'. Jesus looks around. JESUS Oh boy. INT. CLASSROOM. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are up in front of the class. Stan reads from notecards. STAN ...and after killing the entire Vietcong army, they returned to base camp. Once there, they rode the Devil's drop roller coaster and ate Cotton Candy. And ultimately, Ned got the purple heart for his courageous defense of the log ride. Garrison rolls his eyes. STAN So was the horror of Vietnam. The end. BOYS The end. KYLE Are there any questions? Garrison raises his hand. KYLE Yes Mr. Garrison? MR. GARRISON Yes, where in the fuck did you hear this ridiculous load of bullshit? STAN From Vietnam veterans. MR. GARRISON Well boys, its obvious to me that you didn't do your work, and then you stayed up all night making up some ridiculous lie. STAN No, no we didn't. MR. GARRISON You all receive an F. MINUS. KYLE F minus? Can he do that? STAN (shocked) But we're not making it up... MR. GARRISON Stanly, the Vietnam war was a WAR! There weren't galloping steeds or singing birds or log rides. KYLE How do you know? You weren't even there. MR. GARRISON Well that's it! All of you have detention for the rest of the week. BOYS AWW!! FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK. ACT II INT. CAFETERIA - AFTER SCHOOL Mr. Mackey sits at the front of the room with a big sign that says "DETENTION: QUIET!!!!!" The boys sit with their hands crossed and talk in a whisper. MR. MACKEY Welcome to detention, Mkay? Mr. Garrison told me about your little joke. It is important for you to know WHY you are in detention for you to obtain the full benefits from it. You are here because you are inferior, okay? You are here because you are awkward, okay?... Mr. Mackey continues. CARTMAN Well Stan, thanks a lot for having such a cool uncle that got us all detention for a week. KYLE Yeah dude, your uncle Jimbo sucks ass! MACKEY Ssshh, okay?! Mackey shushes the boys. They wait a beat. STAN Why would he just invent a story instead of just telling us the truth? CARTMAN Well, let's see maybe 'cuz he's an old drunk hillbilly dick! MACKEY SSSSHH, okay?! KYLE We got to get him back dude. CARTMAN Totally. STAN How? KYLE Well, he screwed us by making something up... I say we do the same thing. STAN Well, what do you mean? KYLE Did you ever see that one Brady Bunch where the guy... CARTMAN Oh yeah sweet, sweet! The boys all lean in to hear Kyle's whispering. ACT II ANGLE - TELEVISION ANNOUNCER And now back to 'Huntin' and Killin'' with South Park's favorite hunters -- Jimbo and Ned! EXT. JIMBO AND NED'S PORCH Jimbo and Ned are on camera again. JIMBO Welcome hunters! Boy have we got a show for you today! We have just received a tape from ANOTHER viewer who filmed the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka RIGHT HERE IN SOUTH PARK!! NED Agh! JIMBO Yes, now we're about to roll the film, but remember, if you look the Mexican Staring Frog in the eyes, you can go catatonic. We don't know if this applies to PICTURES of the frog or not, but who wants to take chances? So when we roll this film, be sure to look away. Jimbo and Ned cover their eyes and look away from the video screen. JIMBO Okay, roll the film, Tom! FOOTAGE of an obviously fake little frog sitting on a front porch. It just sits there. For a long time. It doesn't move. Jimbo and Ned keep their eyes off of it. The camera guy looks away as well. JIMBO Is it over? Jimbo sneaks a look at the screen just as the image disappears. JIMBO Okay, it's over. Everyone goes back to normal. JIMBO Well, there you have it. Undeniable PROOF that the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka exists!!!! And you saw it HERE on the Jimbo and Ned show! INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY The boys are all on the couch watching the show. KYLE Dude! I can't believe they fell for it! STAN Yeah what a couple of dumbasses! KENNY Mph rmph rm rmph rmph rm! The boys all laugh. STAN Yeah! KYLE Come on, we gotta go make another one! The boys all head out the door. CARTMAN Lying kicks ass! INT. JESUS AND PALS SET The crew is down during a commercial break. PRODUCER Jesus! JESUS Yeah? Jesus is getting his face powdered. PRODUCER We're in trouble. The Jimbo and Ned show made up some ridiculous staring frog story and jumped another two points in the ratings! JESUS Oh, oh. So what are we supposed to do? PRODUCER I don't know. We'll have to continue with the changes we've made, and then go even further... CAMERAGUY And we're back in FIVE, FOUR, THREE... PRODUCER Remember, BIG BIG BIG!!! Riki lake music starts as the Jesus and Pals logo glides past the frame. Jesus is in the audience a la Riki. JESUS If you're just joining us, we've been listening to Michelle's incredible story of survival. Go on, Michelle. WOMAN GUEST (in tears) Well, as I was saying, I tried and tried but the overturned car just wouldn't budge. My husband was trapped for twelve hours. JESUS And yet somehow he managed to survive. WOMAN GUEST That's right. He's a very brave man and I love him very much. The man guest smiles at the woman. His head is flat like a pancake and his arm sticks out of his back. MAN GUEST I mov oo too. JESUS Well, let's see if the audience has any questions. (beat) Yes, you over there -- Jesus trots over to a large ugly woman. WOMAN I think she needs to kick him to the curb, baby! Jesus looks confused. JESUS Kick WHO to the curb? WOMAN Her no good husband!! She's gotta lose that zero and get herself a hero!!! The crowd goes wild. JESUS But -- Another woman stands up next to her. WOMAN 2 He wants to have his cake and eat it too! He's gotta dump that trash, girlfriend! It's all about respect! You gotta have respect for yourSELF! The woman guest looks extremely confused. JESUS Uh... I think we've somewhat missed the point here, let's go to somebody else... Jesus goes to another audience member. JESUS Yes, your comments? BLACK MAN Montel, I think we're forgetting something very important in all of this. Okay, sure he touched some children, but the man is a great singer and he has entertained us for so many years. JESUS What are you talking about? BLACK MAN Michael Jackson. All this bad mouthing and putting the man down. Maybe he did touch some children now and then, but come on! It's Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson! People applaud. Jesus pulls the mic away from the man. JESUS Uh... We'll be back right after these messages... EXT. SOUTH PARK FOREST - DAY Kyle has a video camera. STAN Ready you guys? KYLE AND CARTMAN Ready! STAN Okay? ACTION!! EXT. SOUTH PARK FOREST - CAMERA - DAY Through an unsteady videocamera, we see a blurry picture of a small bush in the forest. Suddenly, it starts to shake slightly. Then, a dark blur appears at one side of the screen behind the bush. It hops a couple of times. Cartman is holding a stupid little plastic frog on a string by the end of a stick. CARTMAN (O.S.) Rrrrrr. I am the deadly Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary and dangerous! STAN (O.S.) CUT! EXT. SOUTH PARK FOREST - DAY STAN Cartman! CARTMAN What?! STAN It's supposed to be a frog! CARTMAN I know that! STAN Since when do frogs talk, Cartman? CARTMAN It's a Sri Lankan frog! KYLE Der, Cartman! CARTMAN Der yourself, hippie! KYLE JUST DO IT AGAIN, CARTMAN, AND DON'T MAKE IT TALK!! STAN Ok, here we go. Ready? KYLE Are you ready, Cartman? CARTMAN I'm ready, Steven Spielberg! STAN Action! Cartman sloppily bounces his little frog up and down. CARTMAN Rrrr... Screw you guys... EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE CARTMAN Why do I have to dress up like the old lady?! Indeed, Cartman has a little gray wig and a dress on. Kyle has a video camera. KYLE Cuz old lady's are fat and you are too! CARTMAN Ech, Goddammit! STAN Come on Cartman, the way we're shooting this, nobody will ever know it's you. CARTMAN They better not! STAN Okay, when I yell action, you start to walk this way, then Kenny's going to pull the plastic frog in front of you and you have to be scared -- CARTMAN Scared? Of a plastic frog? STAN It's ACTING Cartman. You have to pretend you're really scared then the Mexican Staring Frog will look you in the eyes, then you fall down like you're dead, okay? Ready? CARTMAN Man this is stupid. STAN Good, and... ACTION! EXT. JIMBO AND NED'S JIMBO Well, it appears as though a lot of you SKEPTICS thought that the film we showed of the Mexican Staring Frog Of Southern Sri Lanka was a FAKE. They say it didn't HARM anybody... Well, it just so happens that we just received ANOTHER film from ANOTHER anonymous viewer! ROLL IT! The shitty little film that the boys made appears on the screen. The stupid plastic frog bounces through frame. It then cuts to Cartman, as the old lady who sees the frog, and then passes out. Then we see Kenny moon the camera. JIMBO There you go! PROOF that not only is this frog REAL, but it is doing harm to people of South Park AS WE SPEAK!! NED Damn that frog. JIMBO Well that does it! All this week Ned and I will be risking life and limb as we go on location to HUNT THE MEXICAN STARING FROG OF SOUTHERN SRI LANKA! Join us won't you? INT. JESUS AND PALS SET Jesus' producer is watching the Jimbo and Ned on her monitors, her head falls into her hands. PRODUCER Oh no, no, no! This is the biggest publicity stunt I've ever seen. Damn those hunters are clever! JESUS Uh... Clever? PRODUCER It's genius, it really is. Hell, I even want to watch them hunt the Mexican Staring Frog! Unless... JESUS Unless what? PRODUCER Unless we can prove to the world that the whole thing is a sham. If we prove that the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka is just something made up by Jimbo and Ned, we can have them taken off the air. Perhaps even KILLED! JESUS Look, why don't we stick to our own show. People will watch again. PRODUCER Oh J... You are so Omnipotent and yet so naïve... We'll launch a full investigation. And in the meantime we can cash in on the video tapes. JESUS What video tapes? INT. JESUS AND PALS SET Jesus is sitting at his chair. JESUS Yea, my children. I am the way and the light. Let's get to our next guest... As Jesus continues, a loud voice over begins. NARRATOR You've seen Jesus and Pals... Now you've got to get the video! Jesus and Pals too hot for TV! Clip of Jesus watching a man spray whipped cream on a topless woman. NARRATOR Things get a little outta control! You won't believe your eyes!! Two women in bikinis take off their tops as "TOO HOT" censor bars cover their chests. NARRATOR Order now, only $19.95!! Remember, this is stuff you CAN'T see on TV!!!! A number and address to call appears on the screen. The commercial ends. ACT III EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE The Jimbo and Ned crew is driving in the van. JIMBO Anonymous tip? CAMERA GUY Yeah, it was left on our answering machine. All it said was that they saw the Mexican Staring Frog just south of Stark's pond this morning. JIMBO Hey Ned, remember that time we got an anonymous tip back in Nam? CAMERA GUY You were in Nam? Where were you stationed? NED DeNang. CAMERA GUY With the log ride? JIMBO Yup. CAMERA GUY Man, I was in Tet. We had a badass roller coaster. But all we ever wanted was a log ride... We waited and we waited... But they never built us one. Jimbo and Ned look sad as they listen to the tale. CAMERA GUY I think Danforth wanted a log ride more than anybody but he... He had to settle with that lame dinosaur water adventure ride... The cameraguy breaks down and starts crying. Jimbo puts a hand on the cameraguy's shoulder. JIMBO That war was hell on everybody. PRODUCER (talking on his cell phone) Good... Okay, okay. Bye. (hanging up) Great news everybody! This weeks ratings are through the roof! We're up to TWENTY people! JIMBO Wow! Do we get more money? PRODUCER No, but I do! We're now THE highest rated show on Mountain Cable Access! God bless the Mexican Staring Frog!!! EXT. SOUTH PARK - FOREST - DAY The boys are gathered in the forest. Kyle puts the little plastic frog on a large rock in the middle of a clearing. KYLE Dude, they are gonna look SO stupid! CARTMAN Totally! STAN They deserve it for lying to us dude. CARTMAN Revenge is so very, very sweet. The ROAR of an engine. STAN They're here! Hurry and hide! The boys jump behind a bush as Jimbo and Ned and the camera crew pull up. JIMBO Let's hunt! PRODUCER We'll start with a two-shot of you and Ned getting your equipment together and -- NED -- Jimbo, look. Ned points to a rock behind them all where the little plastic frog sits motionless. JIMBO HIT THE DECK!!! Everybody jumps to the ground. PRODUCER What is it? JIMBO It's him! The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka! He's right over there on that rock! PRODUCER He is? The producer peers up over the rock. Jimbo quickly yanks his head back down. JIMBO Dumbass! You've GOT to keep your eyes away from him! STAY DOWN! Ned, you take flank position, I'll try and keep it turned away from you. NED Roger that. JIMBO (into camera) Hello fellow hunters. Have we got a show for you today! The Mexican Staring Frog is sunning itself on a rock directly behind us. Ned runs around and hides behind a tree, making sure the whole time not to look at the little plastic frog. JIMBO We've got to take the frog by surprise. Jimbo takes out a grenade. JIMBO I'm going to create a diversion using this incendiary device, while Ned will ambush him from the rear. Jimbo throws the bomb over his shoulder. BOOOOM! It blows a huge hole in the ground right next to the little plastic frog. JIMBO NOW NED! HE'S NOT LOOKING!!! Ned rushes in with the flamethrower. JIMBO QUICK NED! HIT HIM WITH THE SHOTGUN! NOW NED!!! Nothing. No sound. JIMBO Ned?!... Ned???? Jimbo peeks over to the rock. Ned stands a few feet from the frog, not moving. JIMBO Oh no... Ned is caught in the gaze of the frog. Little concentric circles surround his eyes. He drops his gun. NED Zzzzzz... JIMBO Come on Ned buddy, snap out of it! But Ned is catatonic. He can't move at all. JIMBO Come back to me buddy!! PRODUCER (to cameraguy) You getting all this? The camera guy nods. JIMBO (to camera) Hold onto your butts... Jimbo jumps up with his gun and BLASTS the little plastic frog off the rock. JIMBO TAKE THAT YOU DEMON FROG!!! Ned is still catatonic. Jimbo shakes him. JIMBO Ned?! Ned?! Can you hear me?! Quick! Somebody call an ambulance! This man is catatonic! PRODUCER Get the Flight for Life helicopter! The kids all climb out of the bushes. STAN Holy crap, dude. EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY Establishing. INT. HOSPITAL - DAY Jimbo is sitting beside Ned's bed reading a book. Ned is still catatonic. The Producer is standing off to the side. JIMBO (reading) But Pony Boy was beat up pretty bad. He kept saying 'Stay Gold'. Jimbo closes the book. JIMBO Aw, Ned... If you can hear me... You gotta snap out of it. 'Cause if you don't, I'll never forgive myself. Ned is still catatonic. The boys walk in to find Jimbo drying his tears. JIMBO Oh, Stanly! He's gone! My only friend in the world is gone! STAN Dude! He's okay! That frog wasn't even real! Look -- Stan holds up another plastic frog. JIMBO AGH!! What the hell are you doing?! I almost looked right at that!! STAN Dude, it's just a plastic frog. It's not real. Check it out -- He hands the frog to Jimbo. Jimbo examines it. JIMBO ...What? STAN We shot all those videos and sent them in. KYLE Yeah, we made the whole thing up. It was all just a really really funny joke. JIMBO You sent in those videos?!!!! PRODUCER Oh, this is not good. JIMBO My best friend is a vegetable and I'm going to be the laughing stock of South Park! KYLE Aw come on! Ned's faking it! That frog was just a piece of plastic. STAN Yeah, come on Ned, quit faking! JIMBO You boys don't understand. Ned was so freaked out by the idea of the Mexican Staring Frog that he must have sent himself into a deep coma! Stan and Kyle look at each other concerned. VOICE (O.S.) It's a psycho-somatic response. We PAN over to the doorway where the Jesus and Pal's producer who is standing just outside the room holding one of those telescopic microphones that is used in football games. PRODUCER I couldn't help overhearing your conversation just now. The producer walks in. KYLE Who are you? PRODUCER I produce a little TV show called Jesus and Pals. You might have heard of it. Your story is AMAZING! Full of jealousy, duplicity, backstabbing and bitterness! JIMBO Uh... thanks? PRODUCER How would you like to share your remarkable story with us on tomorrow's show? INT. TELEVISION STUDIO CHEEZY MUSIC. Lights search the crowd. Superimposed titles read "Tots in Trouble!" Jimbo and the boys are on stage. Ned sits next to Jimbo still catatonic. JESUS We're back with Jimbo and his nephew Stan. These kids can't stop lying, can they? JIMBO That's right Jesus. No respect for their elders. As some of you may know, I host a local show on hunting -- A smattering of applause. JIMBO Thanks. We've been hunting the Mexican Staring Frog for a week based on some video footage we received from a viewer. Well, it turns out that these kids FAKED the footage! JESUS Is this true, Stan? STAN It was just a joke. We didn't think it would hurt anybody. Jesus looks at the producer who signals for a commercial. JESUS We'll find out more about this debauchery when we return! Music kicks in and the camera BOOMS off of Jesus. AD And we're... OUT! Producers rush the stage. PRODUCER You're corpses up here!! We need A LOT more action from everybody! JIMBO Like what? PRODUCER Like go ahead and tell how your nephew Stan takes drugs and worships Satan. JIMBO Satan. Got it. STAN Whoa, I don't take drugs and worship Satan! That's lying! JIMBO Give you a taste of your own medicine you little fibber! PRODUCER And you kids! I didn't bring you on this show to be boring! Somebody get pissed and throw a chair at Ned here. CARTMAN Dibs! PRODUCER Remember, you all start to fight after the chair is thrown. That's your cue! JIMBO Righty. Music kicks in. The audience goes wild. JESUS Welcome back to Jesus and Pals! Jimbo, why do you think little Stanly lies? JIMBO I'll tell you why... Because he's on drugs and he worships the devil!!! The crowd GASPS! Stan sits in shock. AUDIENCE JESUS!!! JESUS!!!! JESUS!!! JESUS Wow. Now Stanly, it sounds like your uncle is really worried about you. STAN Well... I only did it because he molested me!!! GASP!!! Jesus' jaw drops. Two producers high-five behind the camera. JIMBO Why you little piece of crap! STAN You big piece of crap!! CARTMAN That's it, now I'm all pissed off!!! Cartman picks up a chair and wings it at Ned. It hits him on the head but he doesn't move an inch. CARTMAN Take that hippie! JIMBO HEY!!! He picks up his chair and throws it at Stan. Stan ducks and it hits a lady in the crowd. AUDIENCE JESUS!!! JESUS!!!! JESUS Okay, okay. That's enough! She dashes up and attacks Jimbo. LADY IN THE CROWD TAKE THAT YOU ASSHOLE!!! LADY IN THE CROWD What the fuck was that?! JESUS Uh, let's watch the language people -- JIMBO BRING IT ON YOU BITCH!!! CARTMAN HEY GET OFF OF HIM YOU FUCKIN' NUT SACK!!! Cartman jumps on them. The crowd jumps on the boys. A huge melee ensues. KENNY Mrph mrph!! Two angry crowd members have Kenny between them in a tug of war. They tug and tug. JESUS Let's all make our way back to our seats. KENNY MMMMRPPH!! They RIP him in half, killing him instantly. STAN OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNY!!! KYLE YOU BASTARDS!!! JESUS Let's all make our way back to our seats. No one notices. The fights continue. Full-on chaos. The dialogue is a continuous BLEEEP. JESUS SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! Silence. Everyone looks at Jesus. JESUS Jesus, what is wrong with you people!? People look ashamed. Everyone disentangles themselves from their respective piles. JESUS Look around you Stanly. Look at all the pain and suffering your lie has caused. STAN Well we only did it because Jimbo lied to us first. We had this report on the Vietnam War for school and we interviewed Jimbo about it. He made up all this stuff about Vietnam and he got us in trouble!! JIMBO Hey now, everything that I told you about the war actually happened! STAN Mr. Garrison said there was no way that you could have defeated the entire Viet Cong by yourself. The audience gets really silent. JESUS The ENTIRE Vietcong army? Jimbo looks around nervously. JIMBO I, uh... Well okay, I might have EMBELLISHED the truth a little, but that's different. JESUS Is it? JIMBO Well sure, I mean... well no, I guess not. JESUS And as for you Stan, I think you need to kick your drug habit and -- STAN Wait a second, I don't take drugs! That was a lie! JESUS Wait, Jimbo made that up? STAN No, your producer did. She made Jimbo tell everybody that I did drugs. Jesus smiles drops. JESUS What?! STAN During the break. Your producer came over and told Jimbo what to say about me. She told him to lie! JIMBO It's true, she did. I'm such a tool. JESUS Oh really? Jesus looks over at his producer who is trying to hide behind a small plant. KYLE Yeah, then she told us to throw a chair at Ned! CARTMAN Yeah, I didn't want to do it Jesus! They made me do it!! The crowd gets up and starts to bail. MAN IN THE CROWD Screw this show! I thought this was all real! The whole crowd walks out the door, right by Jesus. JESUS Wait everybody! Come back! But they all leave. Jesus drops the mike. BLACK MAN Don't feel too bad Montel. We all want to touch children sometimes, it's only natural... COMMERCIAL BREAK - EPILOGUE EXT. TELEVISION STUDIO Jesus, Jimbo, Ned and the boys stand outside the studio. JIMBO I'm sorry Stan, I was just trying to tell a good story. I never meant for you boys to get in trouble. STAN We're sorry too Uncle Jimbo. We're sorry for making you look stupid in front of the whole world. KYLE Yeah, and we're sorry for turning Ned into a vegetable. JIMBO Ah, he'll be fine. I'll just take him home and show him some good hard- core porn and he'll snap out of it. Won't you Ned? Jimbo slaps Ned on the back. He falls over on his face. Jesus walks in. JESUS I want to apologize to all of you for what happened in there. in our competition for ratings we all lost sight of why we got into show business in the first place. JIMBO Yeah, titties and beer. JESUS Actually I was referring more to the pursuit of truth but... Well anyway, I can't wait to get back to my old show without all the glitz and ratings and producers... STAN Wait a sec. Where IS your producer? JESUS I sent her away. CARTMAN Sent her away where? INT. HELL - DAY The producer is horrified as she walks around the flames of hell with pitchforks stabbing her ass. PRODUCER WHAT IS THIS?! WHAT'S HAPPENING?! SATAN Welcome to my dominion. PRODUCER Aaaah... The producer looks confused. SADAM HUSSEIN Eh, take a load off, put your feet up! Me and Satan were just aboot to go shopping for furniture. Come on Satan. SATAN Okay honey. They walk off hand in hand. The producer looks up to the heavens. PRODUCER NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!! THE END