"SOUTH PARK" Episode 208 "Summer Sucks" Written by Nancy Pimental & Trey Parker EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY Establishing. INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY Mr. Garrison stands in front of the students. MR. GARRISON Okay children, I know that today is the last day of school, and that the last day of school involves pranks... But this is GOING TOO FAR!! The kids all stare blankly. Mr. Garrison is holding is right arm up, but nothing is on it. MR. GARRISON Now what have you done with Mr. Hat?! The kids don't move. MR. GARRISON CHILDREN! I WANT MR. HAT BACK RIGHT NOW! THE PRANK IS OVER!! The kids don't move. MR. GARRISON You think I can't get along without Mr. Hat, don't you? You think I can't live without him?! Well I can! He's just a puppet! I don't need him! You see? Watch... Mr. Garrison folds his hands on his desk and tries to look normal. But he's obviously shaking. The kids just stare on. Finally, Garrison breaks. MR. GARRISON GOD DAMMIT WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU PUT MR. HAT?!? The school bell rings. MR. GARRISON Oh, no you don't! The school year is over, but Summer vacation doesn't start for you little bastards until Mr. Hat is BACK ON MY DESK! Now I'm going to turn around, and when I turn back, I expect to see Mr. Hat lying right here! Garrison turns around. He sits with his back to us for several seconds, then: MR. GARRISON Okay... I'm going to turn around now. Garrison turns back around to see that everybody is gone. Except for Pip. MR. GARRISON SHIT! PIP Where did everybody go? EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY As the children race out of the building, the snow on the ground melts away -- it's the last day of school and the first day of summer in South Park. CUT TO: EXT. SOUTH PARK STREET - DAY A huge mound of snow melts and out emerges KEVIN, the same little boy we saw earlier on the poster. Kevin's MOTHER and FATHER run up to him. KEVIN'S MOTHER Oh golly Kevin, honey. KEVIN'S FATHER Good to see you again, son. All three hug. A MAN steps out of his house and breathes in the warm summer air and then... THE MAN Looks like winter's right around the corner. Better get some fire wood ready! The man pulls out a chainsaw and cuts down a tree. EXT. FOREST - DAY All the trees in the forest start dropping. EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY The boys continue on, as school children run and play and squeal with delight. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny walk past Pip. PIP Oh, happy Summer, gentlemen! STAN Shut up, Pip. PIP Right-o. Uh, enjoy some of the summer for me, would you? KYLE What do you mean? PIP Well, I have to spend my summer in summer school, because I can't be left alone. You see, my parents are dead. The boys just stand there, blinking, with nothing to say. Finally, Cartman speaks up. CARTMAN Your parents are dead? God damn you suck, Pip! The boys walk off laughing. EXT. SOUTH PARK STREET - DAY The boys walk down the street, passing a sign for 'Stu's fireworks'. STAN Oh yeah, dude! It's summer, that means we gotta buy fireworks! KYLE I saved up enough money to buy m- 80's this year. STAN I saw in this movie once where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt. KYLE Cool! Maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat. CARTMAN AY! IF YOU SO MUCH AS TOUCH KITTY'S ASS I'LL PUT FIRECRACKERS IN YOUR NUTSACK AND BLOW YOUR BALLS ALL OVER YOUR PANTS!! STAN Jesus, Cartman... CARTMAN Well, I'm just sayin' na, don't mess with kitty, na. INT. STU'S GIFTS/SOUVENIRS/FIREWORKS - DAY Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny enter the store. STU, a big fat guy who breathes heavy and wears a shirt that doesn't fully cover his belly, stands behind the counter. STU Hi, fellas. THE BOYS Hi, Stu. STU What can I do you for? KYLE We wanna buy m-80's. STAN The kind that fit in Cartman's cat's ass. Stan, Kyle and Kenny laugh. CARTMAN Okay! That does it! Screw you guys! I'm going home! Cartman walks away. KYLE What a baby. STAN So, we'll have ten m-80's please. STU I'm sorry, fellas. Haven't you heard? STAN Heard what? STU All fireworks have been banned in Colorado. KYLE What'dya mean? STU It was in the paper this morning. Stu shows them the paper. On the front page is a picture of a LITTLE BOY who has no hands. Under the picture, the caption reads, "NORTH PARK BOY LOSES HANDS IN FIRECRACKER ACCIDENT." KYLE Dude, just cuz some stupid North Park kid blew his hands off, we don't get to buy m-80's?! STU Right. STAN How can they do this to us? Doesn't anyone believe in tradition anymore? KYLE Yeah, we've been playing with firecrackers our whole lives. DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SOUTH PARK STREET - DAY Circa 1991. The boys are playing with firecrackers. They look exactly the same, except they are tiny one-year olds. Suddenly, a firecracker explodes and kills little baby Kenny. BABY STAN Goo, goo goo! killed Kenny!! BABY KYLE (shaking his fists) Ooo bastards! DISSOLVE BACK TO: INT. STU'S GIFTS/SOUVENIRS/FIREWORKS - DAY Back to the present. STAN A summer without firecrackers is like... I don't know what it's like, but it sucks ass. KYLE Yea, now what are we suppose to do? Stu pulls out a bunch of lame Fourth of July paraphernalia. STU I can still sell snakes! Stu lights the little black disc, and the short, stupid uneventful ash snake comes out. BOYS Aww!! INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY The mayor is sitting behind her desk, yelling into the phone. MAYOR (into the phone) This is absurd! We need fireworks for our Fourth of July celebration at the lake. (pause) I don't care that some twerp blew his hands off. We've got to have fireworks for our picnic -- Hold on I've got another call... She switches over. MAYOR Hello? (pause) No I don't know where Mr. Hat is! Jesus, Garrison I've got bigger problems!! She switches back. MAYOR Hello? Yes, now what am I supposed to do about our Fourth of July Show at the Lake? (pause) No, I don't want snakes! This is an outrage! Get me the mayor! (beat) I know that, smart ass, I was being ironic! She slams down the phone. Suddenly, Barbrady comes out from under the desk. BARBRADY I'm sorry, Mayor, but I couldn't find the little man in the boat. MAYOR Well, keep looking. He disappears back under the desk. MAYOR (to herself) This is ridiculous. We can't have a celebration without fireworks. Who ever heard of a Fourth of July picnic with snakes? BARBRADY (From under the desk) Oh, I like snakes. You light 'em and they grow and grow... MAYOR Wait a minute. That's it! I've got it! This Fourth of July, South Park will make history by having the largest snake in the world! The press will love it. I'll be on the front page... Oooh. BARBRADY I found him. EXT. SOUTH PARK STREET - NIGHT Kyle, Cartman, Stan and Kenny are standing at the busstop. There is no snow around them. They just stand there, blinking. STAN Man, it's hot out here. CARTMAN What do you guys wanna do? We have the whole summer to play! KYLE Dude, what are we supposed to do? We always just played with fireworks. STAN I know! Let's go sledding! KYLE Yeah! EXT. SOUTH PARK STREET - DAY Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are sitting on a sled at the top of a grassy hill. Cartman stands behind them. STAN Come on, Cartman, get on. CARTMAN Stan? KYLE Let's go, dude. We're ready. STAN What the hell are you waiting for, Cartman? CARTMAN Guys? Don't you notice anything wrong with this picture? KYLE Yea, your fat ass isn't on the sled! Cartman reluctantly gets on the back of the sled. CARTMAN Whatever. The sled slides down the grassy hill about an inch and then stops. The boys blink. STAN What the hell is going on? Just then Jimbo and Ned drive up in Jimbo's hummer. JIMBO Hey there, boys! STAN Hi, Uncle Jimbo. JIMBO How come you're not out blowing things up? It's summer? KYLE Didn't you hear? That outlawed fireworks cuz a little boy blew off his hands. JIMBO WHAT?! STAN Yeah, they're not even having them at the lake this year. JIMBO Oh my God! Well, don't worry boys, Uncle Jimbo is on the case! Jimbo speeds away. EXT./INT. JIMBO'S VAN - DAY Jimbo and Ned are in the van heading South. JIMBO Buckle your seatbelt, Ned. NED Where are we going? JIMBO Mexico, my amigo. NED Why are we going to Mexico? JIMBO To buy fireworks. Just cuz some kid blew off his hands, doesn't mean the rest of us have to suffer, now does it? NED Are fireworks legal in Mexico? JIMBO Hell, everything's legal in Mexico. It's the American way. INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY The Mayor and her aides are listening to a presentation by the DYNO-MIGHT firework company. The Mayor is sitting at her desk with her fingers on her chin, as CHARLIE, the DYNO-MIGHT owner talks with diagrams and a pointer. CHARLIE At the Dyno-might firework company, we have a commitment to excellence. Our focus is on safety while -- MAYOR Just cut to the chase and tell us about the snake! CHARLIE Oh, okay... Charlie flips through a few of his presentation boards, past the ones that say 'Introduction' and 'Safety Features' and 'We Value the Customer', and finally settling on one that is a diagram of the huge disc itself. CHARLIE Now, the disc that we're making is approximately 5,000 times bigger than an average snake. MAYOR Ooh! CHARLIE We'll have to fly it in with three Comanche Helicopters, and lower on to the ground at the lake. MAYOR (scribbling) Comanche helicopters... Now Charlie flips the diagram to another one. CHARLIE Then, we'll need 57 flamethrowers, all set up around the perimeter of the disc, that are triggered to all fire at the same time. MAYOR Flamethrowers... Triggered at the same time. CHARLIE Once lit, the snake will grow... He flips to yet another diagram. This one a drawing of the snake emerging happily from the disc. CHARLIE And good times will be had by all. The aide flips to a photo of Abe Vigoda tipping his hat and smiling. The Mayor and her aides applaud. AIDE #2 Wonderful. AIDE #1 Spectacular. MAYOR Well, you see? The fireworks at the lake will not only go on, but perhaps be the best ever! (suddenly) Wait a minute! We're gonna need an orchestra to play the Stars and Stripes! AIDE #2 Hey! How about the elementary school orchestra! They did a great version of 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' at their last concert. MAYOR Yes! Get the school Principal on the phone! And we need somebody to dress up like Uncle Remus! AIDE #1 Uh, mayor, I think you mean Uncle Sam? MAYOR OF COURSE I DO, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! EXT. SOUTH PARK STREET - DAY The boys are building a "snowman" out of rocks, sticks and dirt. KYLE (singing) Dusty the dirtball... STAN Why does everything have to suck so bad in summer? Mr. Garrison walks up. He looks like total shit. He is unshaven and shaking. KYLE Hey look, it's Mr. Garrison. MR. GARRISON Hello children. How is your summer going. STAN Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison. KYLE Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet? MR. GARRISON Oh, oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat. STAN That's good. MR. GARRISON Mr. Hat is just a puppet. KYLE Yup. MR. GARRISON Mr. Hat isn't real. STAN Right. Mr. Garrison just stands there and blinks for a long time. Finally, he just walks away. The boys go back to their snowman. CARTMAN Hey you guys, my mom signed me up for swimming lessons at the community pool. You wanna come? Stan, Kyle and Kenny crack up laughing. STAN Swimming lessons? Dude, that is the lamest thing I've ever heard. CARTMAN It is not! STAN Everyone knows that the first graders pee in the community pool. KYLE Yea, Cartman, you're swimming around in first grader pee. CARTMAN AY! I am not swimming around in pee! STAN Whatever, dude. CARTMAN My mom says that if I take swimming lessons, I could be in the Olympics someday. KYLE Yea, the Fat Ass Olympics. CARTMAN I'm trying to make the best out of a bad situation! I don't need to hear crap from a bunch of hippie freaks living in denial!! CARTMAN Screw you guys, I'm going home! STAN But Cartman... CARTMAN Uh. Screw you guys... home. Cartman storms off. STAN What does he mean 'living in denial'? KYLE Dude, it's Cartman, he's just being a dumbass like always. They stick a carrot-nose in the snowman's dirt head. STAN There, how does that look? KYLE Like a big hunk of dirt with a carrot sticking out of it. STAN Ah, crap! EXT. COMMUNITY POOL - DAY A few children play and frolic in the pool. Cartman is standing outside the pool in his swimming trunks, but still wearing his little blue hat. Cartman walks up slowly to the edge of the pool and sticks a toe in. CARTMAN AGH! He runs further away. The LIFEGUARD, dressed in a red swimsuit, blows her whistle. LIFEGUARD Okay kids, everyone in the pool! A few more kids jump in. Cartman is left alone at the other end. LIFEGUARD Come on, Eric we're gonna start now! CARTMAN Nuh-uh. LIFEGUARD Just jump in. CARTMAN I don't wanna. LIFEGUARD It's not going to hurt you, hon, just do it. Cartman takes a deep breath, then jumps into the water. CARTMAN BLAH! UGH!! LIFEGUARD There you go! Now just let the first graders swim by you, and then head towards us. CARTMAN Huh? First Graders??? Just then, three little FIRST GRADERS merrily swim by. They pause in front of Cartman, and some of the water turns yellow. CARTMAN HEY!! AW!!!! WEAK!! WEAK!! The first graders swim on by. CARTMAN Oh, you sons a bitches!! ACT II EXT. STARK'S POND - DAY South Park residents are hanging balloons, setting up food tents and building bleachers for the big event. MAYOR (checking her watch) Where the hell is our firework?! We only have 24 hours! AIDE I'm sure it will be here any second. MAYOR Shut up! AIDE Copy that. Meanwhile, the boys are all on a small stage with the rest of their classmates. They are all with musical instruments. The music teacher steps up with a little baton. MR. ROMERO Okay, children, I'm sure we're a little rusty -- Where is Eric Cartman? STAN He's taking swimming lessons. MR. ROMERO Oh dear, how are we supposed to sound good without our French Horn section? Well, let's try some scales first -- C scale first. And -- Mr. Romero conducts his arms, and the kids start playing the most God awful mix of noises you've ever heard. Finally, they stop. MR. ROMERO Okay, that was pretty good. Let's play Mozart's symphony number 5... Mr. Romero lowers his hands. The kids play the same God awful sound. MAYOR Oh, we're doomed. Our fourth of July celebration is going to have no fireworks and a bunch of tone deaf little shits playing -- wait a minute -- Just then, a distant chopping sound is heard. The Mayor looks up. MAYOR It's the snake! EXT. SOUTH PARK LAKE - DAY Three Comanche helicopters fly over South Park. It's got the gigantic snake attached to it. South Park residents hoot and holler as they watch the helicopter fly overhead. EXT. SOUTH PARK LAKE - DAY Officer Barbrady stands in front of the townspeople who are watching the helicopter. OFFICE BARBRADY Let's move along, people. If you've seen one giant snake thingy firework, you've seen them all. MAYOR CALL EVERYBODY!! THE SHOW'S BACK ON!! COME ON, WE'VE ONLY GOT ONE DAY TO PREPARE!! EXT. FIREWORKS STORE (MEXICO) - DAY Jimbo and Ned walk into the crappy little Mexican store. JIMBO Buenos Dias, mi amigo. You soy una Americana Spectacular. MEXICAN OWNER Que? JIMBO Yo necissito el fireworko spectacularrrrr. MEXICAN OWNER Nessecita Firework grande? NED No moleste el gato spectacularrrrr. The Owner hands them a large box with whatever the Spanish word for DANGER is printed on it. Jimbo opens the box. JIMBO Would you look at that, Ned? That's a Tijuana bottle rocket! These babies have enough power to blast a fiery hole right through the ozone. NED They're spectacularrrrrr. JIMBO Ned... It's our job to get these to children all over America for the Fourth of July. We'll be like Santa Claus on Christmas Morning! NED Bueno. INT. MR. GARRISON'S HOUSE Mr. Garrison is just sitting in his chair, doing nothing. Mr. Hat is still nowhere to be seen. Finally, the phone rings. Garrison reaches over and answers it immediately. MR. GARRISON HELLO?! VOICE (sounds suspiciously like Mr. Mackey) Hello, is Mr. Hat there? Mr. Garrison thinks. MR. GARRISON Is this some kind of joke?! VOICE (laughing) Yes. MR. GARRISON You go to hell! You go to hell and you DIE!! The voice just keeps laughing. MR. GARRISON I'm gonna find out who you are! VOICE I don't think you can, mmkay... The line goes dead. MR. GARRISON God Dammit! Garrison grabs the remote and turns on the television. He flips through the channels. ANGLE - TELEVISION The title reads 'Shari Lewis and Friends!' Shari Lewis appears wearing her hand puppet, Lambchop. SHARI LEWIS So, Lambchomp, what would you like to do today? LAMBCHOMP Well, I'd like to sing you a song! SHARI LEWIS Hey, let's sing one TOGETHER! Music begins. ANGLE - GARRISON He's resting his head on his hand and looking really pissed off. ANGLE - TELEVISION Shari and Lambchop sing. SHARI AND LAMBCHOP (singing) As long as we're together we can do anything! We can take on the whole darn world! ANGLE - GARRISON Just sitting there, pissed. ANGLE - TELEVISION SHARI AND LAMBCHOP We're happy as clams! With plenty of pearls! Through thick and thin, we've always been to-geth-er! ANGLE - GARRISON ZOOM IN on Garrison's face -- into his thoughts... ANGLE - TELEVISION Now, as Shari and Lambchop continue to sing, Garrison appears next to them. He grins an evil grin, then pulls out a hatchet. He chops off Shari's arm with the hatchet. She screams. He takes lambchomp from the severed hand, and throws it on a nearby grill. SHARI LEWIS NOO!! LAMBCHOP NOOO!!! Lambchop lies dying on the hot grill. LAMBCHOP Shari... Help me... LAMBCHOMP It burns!!! It burns!!!! DISSOLVE TO: INT. GARRISON'S HOUSE Garrison is back sitting in his chair, with a huge smile on his face, as the stupid singing continues from the television. EXT. COMMUNITY POOL - DAY Cartman is standing in the shallow end of the pool, looking at all the other kids and the lifeguard at the deep end of the pool. LIFEGUARD Eric, you have to get in the deep end sooner or later. CARTMAN Later's fine. LIFEGUARD Just do your side stroke. CARTMAN I only know how to do it doggie style. LIFEGUARD That's doggie-PADDLE, Eric. Now come over here! CARTMAN Can I do it doggie style? LIFEGUARD Okay. Cartman starts to waddle towards the deep end. LIFEGUARD That's it! That's it! You can do it! CARTMAN Sweet... But again, just then, the first graders come giggling and swimming by. They swim by and turn the water around Eric yellow again. CARTMAN AW! DAMMIT!! AAGHAGH NOT AGAIN!! Cartman scrambles around back to the shallow end. LIFEGUARD Come on, Eric! CARTMAN NO WAY!! THOSE SONS OF BITCHES!... I'M GOING HOME INT. SOUTH PARK NEWS ROOM - DAY CHET, a newscaster, sits behind a desk. TOM Fourth of July is finally here, and with a Statewide ban on fireworks, people from all over Colorado are flocking to South Park. Here with a special report is a normal looking guy with a funny name. EXT. STARK'S POND - DAY People are partying and celebrating. A newscaster is standing among the partying people. His name, CREAMY GOODNESS, is printed at the bottom of the screen. CREAMY GOODNESS Thanks, Tom. It looks like the firework ban won't be putting a damper on one town's festivities tonight... Creamy walks through scores of people who are having fun and mugging for the camera. CREAMY GOODNESS I'm here at Stark's Pond in South Park, where the crowd of residents and scores of tourists anxiously await the lighting of the largest snake in human history. Chet pulls out a package of traditional snakes. CREAMY GOODNESS Now as most of you will probably remember, snakes are these little round discs that you light, and they spew out a little 'snake' of black ash. Well, the South Park's snake is over half a mile in diameter and twenty stories high... The camera cuts to the massive disc, as final preparations are being made to it. CREAMY GOODNESS I'm told that this event won't begin until the sun goes down and night is upon us. The sun quickly goes down. It's now dark. CREAMY GOODNESS Alrighty then, looks like we're ready. EXT. SOUTH PARK LAKE - NIGHT The boys are assembled with the band. They're all wearing tuxedos. STAN How are your swimming lessons going, Cartman? CARTMAN Fine... KYLE I heard you won't even get in the deep end. CARTMAN Well, you heard WRONG, hippie!! ANGLE ON THE MAYOR: She stands before the townspeople. MAYOR Ladies and gentlemen. Good citizens of Colorado. It is my pleasure to be the first person to wish you all a Happy Fourth of July. Let's start with our school band playing the Stars and Stripes!! MR. ROMERO (nervous) This is it... And a one and a two and a -- The kids all start playing The Stars and Stripes. It is barely recognizable. The large crowd holds their hands over their ears. Mr. Romero continues to conduct as if he's in front of the Boston Symphony Orchestra. The Mayor is terrified. MAYOR What the fuck is that? MAYOR'S ASSISTANT I think it's the Stars and Stripes. MAYOR Oh hell. LIGHT THE SNAKE!! The crowd goes wild. Four men with big torches light the snake as the crowd cheers. ANGLE ON THE BOYS: They try to get a glimpse of the snake and play at the same time. ANGLE ON THE SNAKE: As it continues burning, a pillar of hard black ash emerges from the top, and starts to grow! TOWNSFOLK Ooh! The column of ash grows up towards the sky. TOWNSFOLK Ahh! EXT. MEXICO - NIGHT Jimbo's hummer drives down the highway towards some lights. INT. JIMBO'S HUMMER - MOVING JIMBO Alright, Ned, now we're coming up to the American border. They can't know that we have fireworks in the trunk. Just let me do the talking. Jimbo thinks about what he just said a laughs a little. JIMBO I guess that goes without saying, doesn't it... Jimbo laughs. Ned doesn't. A uniformed American Border Patrol officer holds his hand out Jimbo stops his Hummer. BORDER PATROL GUY Good evening, gentlemen. JIMBO Hello there, fellow American. We're just anxious to get back to our homeland. BORDER PATROL GUY Alright, I just need to ask you a few questions. JIMBO Fire away, we have nothing to hide. BORDER PATROL GUY Is anyone other than the two of you traveling in this vehicle? JIMBO No sir. BORDER PATROL GUY Do you have any firearms or explosives in the car. JIMBO Yes. Ned looks at Jimbo, horrified. JIMBO I mean NO!! NO!! BORDER PATROL GUY Open your trunk please sir. The border patrol guy heads to the back. Jimbo snacks his head repeatedly against the steering wheel. JIMBO DAMN DAMN!! I ALWAYS GET THAT QUESTION WRONG!! EXT. STARK'S POND - SOUTH PARK - NIGHT The tourists are in still in awe, basking in the brilliant glow of the continually growing snake. It is reaching epic size. The kids are now in the second movement of the Stars and Stripes. Romero still conducts happily, and Cartman turns pages of sheet music as if he's reading it. The Mayor stands next to Charlie with a huge smile on her face. MAYOR My God, it's beautiful. It never fails to amaze me how I manage to overcome adversity! The Mayor watches as the huge column of hardened, black ash continues to belch forth from the black disc. After QUITE A WHILE, the Mayor finally starts to lose her smile. MAYOR Say, uh, Charlie, when does that thing die out? CHARLIE Die out? MAYOR Yes, you know, expire, end. Charlie looks at her for a long time. A REALLY LONG TIME. He just sits there, staring at her, thinking. Finally, the Mayor gets impatient. MAYOR Hello? I'm asking you when it stops. CHARLIE Uh... I'm not sure, I never made one this big. The snake is growing and growing to monstrous proportions. CHARLIE I guess we didn't quite think this through, did we... MAYOR WHAT?! The boys continue to play, but their eyes are fixed on the their growing snake. KYLE Dude, that thing is huge!! STAN Yeah, they need to shut it off. CARTMAN HEY! YOU GUYS ARE SCREWING UP THE SONG!! Now all the tourists and residents start to look concerned. As the snake spirals up to the sky, and finally collapses under its weight! Everybody runs screaming as the huge pillar of ash heads for the ground. TOWNSFOLK (screaming) Somebody stop it! It's out of control! THE BOYS Aaaaah!! Stan, Kyle and Cartman dive out of the way. Kenny isn't as quick. KYLE Kenny! Watch out! Right in the nick of time, however, Kenny jumps out of the way and ducks under the bleachers. Everyone is relieved. But the bleachers collapse and kill him. STAN Oh, my God! They killed Kenny! KYLE (shaking his fists at the bleachers) You bastards! The boys immediately go back to playing. ANGLE ON THE ROGUE SNAKE: The growing snake continues to grow and spew. MAYOR OH MY GOD!!! (grabbing Charlie) YOU TELL ME HOW MUCH LONGER THIS THING IS GONNA LAST!! CHARLIE (with pen and paper) Uh... Let's see... a normal size snake lasts three minutes... Charlie quickly scribbles down some numbers. MAYOR SO WHEN DOES IT RUN OUT?! CHARLIE November. Of next year. MAYOR Oh hell. As black ash falls all around, and people everywhere run screaming, Kyle starts playing 'Nearer My God To Thee' on his violin. The other kids all join in a la The Titanic. EVERYBODY AAAAAGHGHGH!!! ACT III EXT. SOUTH PARK - MORNING The huge, massive snake slithers its way through Downtown, knocking over each building slowly, as it goes EXT. STARK'S POND - MORNING The Snake continues to grow. The lake area is all but abandoned but for the reporter Creamy Goodness. CREAMY GOODNESS Well, we're coming up on nine hours and the giant snake of South Park shows no signs of stopping. Residents have tried everything from firehoses to yelling at it, to make the snake stop, but nothing seems to work. INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - DAY NEWSGUY Thanks, Creamy, police are advising all citizens to stay indoors, not breathe the ashen air, and not ever light any giant snakes in the near future. EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY The boys walk down the blackened, destroyed streets as the huge snake bulldozes another building. STAN Man, this sucks. A few people run screaming by them. KYLE What should we do, dude? That big snake keeps growing! It's gonna demolish the whole state soon! STAN We should do what we always do; ask Chef for help. CARTMAN Where is Chef? EXT. BAHAMAS - DAY Chef is lying on a nice lounger, surrounded by beautiful, busty women, drinking a Mai Tai One is massaging his shoulders. CHEF (singing) Baby, you know you're the girl for me. And all that I want to be is. You and me, and her simultaneous. You and me and you and you simultaneous loving, baby! 2 or 3 simultaneous Ooh that's right... One woman pours Chef a drink. Another takes his towel and replaces it with a new. Just then the phone rings. Chef picks the phone up and puts it to his ear, and the women continue doing what they were doing. CHEF Hello? ... What? ...Oh, hello, children. Chef smiles at the ladies. CHEF It's a what?... A giant snake?... Killing everybody?... Growing bigger?! Chef looks again at the ladies. CHEF Children, you know I rarely say this but... Well, futch ya. And he hangs up the phone. CHEF (sack to singing) Simultaneous. You and me and you and you simultaneous loving, baby! 2 or 3.... EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY Stan is on a pay phone He hangs it up. KYLE What'd he say? STAN Dude, I think he told us to go fuck ourselves. CARTMAN Wow. KYLE How is that gonna help? INT. NEWSROOM - DAY The newscaster sits at his desk. NEWSCASTER ALL OVER AMERICA, THE EFFECTS OF THE GIANT ASH SNAKE OF SOUTH PARK CAN BE SEEN!! EXT. UTAH - DAY A title tell us we are In UTAH. Several white clothed white people are dipping a young man in a large pool of water. MORMON #1 Yea! Let the spirit of Heavenly Father be blessed upon you. MORMON #2 From this day on, all will be well! The newly baptized Mormon smiles broadly. BAPTIZED MORMON I already feel like things are getting better. Just then, the large black snake oozes itself through the congregation. They all scream and die like the worthless mother fuckers they are. EXT. CITYSCAPE - DAY ANOTHER TITLE SAYS 'NEW YORK' With slow JAZZ MUSIC playing, we establish at a skyscraper. INT. PSYCHOLOGISTS - DAY MR. GARRISON And I can't sleep or think... Where would he have gone? Why would he leave? Sitting across from Mr. Garrison is DR. KATZburg with his fingers on his chin, and shaking. DR. KATZBURG Well... let me ask you this. Why... Where... Where do you think Mr. Hat... went? MR. GARRISON How the fuck should I know, if I knew that I wouldn't be seeing a fucking psychiatrist would I?! DR. KATZBURG Well, I... guess I see what you're saying. Yeah. MR. GARRISON At first I was sure one of the children took him, but then I remembered that Mr. Hat and I had actually had a fight that morning -- DR. KATZBURG Um, are you gay? MR. GARRISON WHAT?!?! DR. KATZBURG It's... It's just a question. MR. GARRISON Are you propositioning me?! DR. KATZBURG No. MR. GARRISON Well, I can tell you that I am 100 percent NOT gay! DR. KATZBURG Well, I believe you. I absolutely believe you. MR. GARRISON Mr. Hat, on the other hand... DR. KATZBURG Mr. Hat was gay? MR. GARRISON Sometimes he fantasies about same sex relations. DR. KATZBURG I see. MR. GARRISON Sometimes Mr. Hat liked to pretend he was in a Sauna with Brett Farvre and a bottle of Thousand Island dressing. DR. KATZBURG That I did not need to know. MR. GARRISON Well, I'm just sayin'. DR. KATZBURG Mr. Garrison, I think that Mr. Hat was actually YOUR gay side trying to come out... You see it's, it's you that's gay, but, but you're in denial, so you act out your gay persona with a homosexual puppet. Mr. Garrison just sits there and thinks. DR. KATZBURG What do you think about that? MR. GARRISON I think YOU'RE the loony one in this room. The giant snake bursts through the glass, killing Katzburg instantly. MR. GARRISON Serves you right you gay bashing homo. EXT. TEXAS - DAY A title card tells us we are in 'Texas'. There is a single building, which reads 'Texas Prison'. INT. TEXAS PRISON - DAY Jimbo and Ned are sitting on the prison floor looking bored. JIMBO Well, Ned, looks like we missed fourth of July again. NED Yup. JIMBO Dammit! Those poor kids must have been so disappointed to have nothing but them stupid wussy snakes to light. NED Well, better luck next year. JIMBO Yeah, you're right. Okay, let's try again... Ned reads a small index card. NED (reading) Is anyone other than the two of you traveling in this vehicle? JIMBO No. NED (reading) Do you have any firearms or explosives in the car? Jimbo thinks. JIMBO Yes? Ned shakes his head. JIMBO DAMMIT I GOT IT WRONG AGAIN?! What's the answer again? But just then, another branch of the giant snake blasts through the cell wall. JIMBO HOLY SMOKES! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! NED IT LOOKS LIKE MY X-WIFE! JIMBO Quick, Ned! This is our chance! The hummer's outside!! EXT. WISCONSIN - DAY A title card now says 'Green Bay Wisconsin'. We ZOOM IN on a green & yellow building that says 'Sports Spa'. INT. SPORTS SPA - DAY We are inside a foggy Sauna. As the fog clears, we see Mr. Hat perched on one of the sauna seats. We HEAR a DOOR OPEN, and in walks BRETT FARVRE wearing only a towel and his Packer's Jersey. He takes off the Jersey and sits down next to Mr. Hat. BRETT FARVRE Hi. I haven't seen you in here before. CLOSE UP on Mr. Hat, he glances at Farvre. INT. MAYOR'S OFFICE - DAY A new reporter, this one more professional and sophisticated stands out front of the blackened Mayor's office. REPORTER As more and more cities are affected by the growing ash, and the death toll rises to three thousand, People from all over the country are looking to the Mayor of South Park for answers. People start bustling. The Mayor's aides walk down the steps. REPORTER And it appears as if the Mayor is going to explain matters now! The Mayor's assistants take their places at a podium. ASSISTANT Uh... Ladies and gentlemen, the Mayor of South Park regrets that she cannot be here herself, but she is... sick. The reporters are outraged. Everybody SHOUTS AND JEERS. NEWSGUY SICK?! WHAT KIND OF LAME EXCUSE IS THAT?! NEWSGUY #2 YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!! NEWSGUY Oh this is ridiculous! NEWSGUY #2 We want answers. ASSISTANT #2 She's having her period. Suddenly, everyone gets quiet. NEWSGUY Oh. ASSISTANT We do, however, have an official statement for all the concerned cities about the matter with the giant snake that we can't seem to put out. The assistant nudges the other assistant, who takes out a piece of paper and reads it. ASSISTANT #2 We're sorry. Our bad. He folds the paper back up. ASSISTANT Thank you, that is all. The assistants quickly run back upstairs. Again the reporters burst out into shouts and Jeers. EXT. COMMUNITY POOL - DAY CARTMAN Okay, no first graders around. I can swim to the deep end... I can do it... I can do it... I can, I'm gonna make it... EXT. EARTH - DAY From space, we can actually see the giant snake, in it's branching out state taking over the U.S. EXT. STARK'S POND - DAY The boys are sitting by the giant disc watching it continue to grow with bored expressions. One SOLITARY GUY stands next to them, holding a sign that says 'This is it! repent your sins! The end is upon us!' The guy with the sign looks just as bored as the boys do. STAN How many days left in summer? KYLE A lot I think. STAN Dammit! I just want it to snow again! KYLE I don't think it matters, dude. This giant snake is gonna kill everyone soon. Jimbo's big ass hummer screeches to a halt in front of the boys. JIMBO BUENOS GRACIAS, BOYS!! STAN (bored) Hi uncle Jimbo. JIMBO Oh now, why the long faces? KYLE We're bored! STAN There's nothing to do. Jimbo looks at the twisting, burning snake. JIMBO Well... I don't think those are problems that some TIJUANA BOTTLE ROCKETS CAN'T SOLVE!!! Jimbo holds out the box. BOYS HOORAY!!!! Jimbo and Ned hand out the large bottle rockets to the boys. JIMBO Careful with those, now, those are dangerous. Everybody holds a Tijuana Bottle Rocket. Jimbo takes out a lighter and lights the ends. JIMBO Point 'em away from your eyes, now. KYLE Wow! These are HUGE! As the fuses burn, Jimbo walks over to Ned and puts one arm around him. JIMBO Aw, look at them Ned. Look how much happiness a little firepower can bring to a child... Suddenly, the bottle rockets all FLY OUT!! Into the SKY!! BLAM!!!! The rockets explode on the snake, blasting it into flakes of ash. The ash falls all around the base of the snake and puts out the fire!! STAN HEY, LOOK! WE BLEW UP THE SNAKE!! Suddenly, a small crowd of townspeople gather around. TOWNSPERSON All the ash from the snake is putting the flame out! JIMBO Well, how do you like that? Bottle rockets SAVED the Fourth of July! BOYS HOORAY!! EXT. COMMUNITY POOL - DAY CARTMAN I'm gonna make it... I'm gonna make it to the deep end. I did it!!! I did it!!! I made it to the deep end. Hooray for me. LIFEGUARD (off camera) The snake's been destroyed. The pool's open. A hand reaches in and yanks off the sign. The first graders all jump into the empty pool and it turns yellow with their pee. CARTMAN Huh?... Oh no... you sons of bitches! Ahh sons of bitches. EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY The black ash continues to fall all around. Everything is slowly turning black. TOWNSPERSON LOOK! THEY PUT OUT THE SNAKE!! The townspeople all cheer. MAYOR Uh... Yes! Apparently my plan to blow up the snake worked perfectly! KYLE Hey look! Kyle points to the flakes of blackened ash that falls from the sky. KYLE It's snowing!!! JIMBO Well, it's snowing black ash, but what the hell! All the children in the area cheer. Within seconds it becomes a festive, wintery scene. As Christmas music plays, the kids all play in the black "snow" having snowball fights, building snowmen and making snow angles. STAN WINTER'S BACK!! Just then Mr. Garrison appears. He has a new, strange puppet attached to his hand. It's just a stick with a shirt on it. MR. GARRISON Wow! It's a black blizzard! KYLE Mr. Garrison... where's Mr. Hat? MR. GARRISON Oh, I'm through with Mr. Hat. He's a two timing whore. From now on children, you're all going to be learning from Mr. TWIG! Mr. Garrison holds up a twig with a purple shirt on that has a pink triangle on in. MR. GARRISON (AS MR. TWIG) That's right children, I'll see you in the fall!! STAN (sarcastically) I can hardly wait. EPILOGUE EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY Chef's car pulls up from over the hill. Chef gets out of his car and looks around. He can't believe what he's seeing. From Chef's POV, we see the all black town of South Park. Kids are still playing in the black ash as if it was snow. Chef looks over and sees the boys building a black snow man. They are absolutely black themselves. In fact, their faces look like they're in black-face. CHEF Hey children, everybody.. I'm back, I'm back from Aruba. What the... STAN Hey Chef! CARTMAN How's it going? Chef looks to his left and sees a group of townspeople, also all in blackface, cleaning up the streets. TOWNSPERSON Howdy Chef! How was your summer vacation? Chef's jaw is dropped wide open. CHEF Okay, everybody get in a line so I can WHOOP ALL YOUR ASSES! THE END