by
Aaron Sorkin
Directed by
Thomas Schlamme
Table Draft - 8/21/98 - (White)
SPORTS NIGHT
"Intellectual Property"
#N304
Cast
Dan............................................Josh
Charles
Casey.........................................Peter
Krause
Isaac..................................Robert
Guillaume
Dana....................................Felicity
Huffman
Jeremy........................................Josh
Malina
Natalie......................................Sabrina
Lloyd
Kim.............................................Kayla
Blake
Elliot............................................Greg Baker
Engineer (Chris)............Timothy Davis Reed
Engineer (Will)...........................Ron Ostrow
Director (Dave).........................Jeff
Mooring
Malory...................................Yeardley
Smith
Gordon...................................................TBD
SPORTS NIGHT
(TEASER)
FROM THE DARKNESS---WE HEAR
(Casey (VO))
CASEY DESCRIBING A PLAY THAT WE DON'T SEE:
CASEY (VO)
And Tanana, who obviously can't see
the end-zone marker under the virgin
snow, breaks into his touchdown dance
on the ten yard line, only to be given
a geography lesson by linebacker
Marvin Watkins.
FADE UP ON:
INT. STUDIO/CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT - (NIGHT 1)
(Dan, Casey, Isaac, Dana, Jeremy, Natalie, Kim, Chris, Will,
Dave)
CASEY (CONT'D)
That's an incredibly embarrassing
moment for any professional athlete,
so when we come back, we're gonna show
it to you a couple of more times, if
only so that I can keep saying virgin
snow".
DAN
Stick around for more Sports Night,
comin' up after this.
DAVE
We're out.
NATALIE
Two minutes back.
DANA
You know what: We're gonna be 15
seconds short on the Bucks/Pacers.
NATALIE
Jeremy, can you get Dan something
interesting about Milwaukee?
JEREMY
(AS HE CALLS UP SOME INFO ON THE
COMPUTER) I can tell you that it's
not the capital of Wisconsin.
DANA
And while that may be true, I need it
to be about the team and, oh yeah, I
need it to be interesting.
JEREMY
I was just sayin' for starters.
DANA
Got it.
NATALIE
Has anybody else noticed that Casey's
been flinching a lot tonight?
KIM
He's been doing it for a couple of
nights.
DANA
Flinching?
KIM
It's like a tic.
WILL
It's a flinch.
DANA
(INTO HEADSET) Casey, why are you
flinching?
CASEY
I'm not flinching.
DANA
(INTO HEADSET) Not now, but before.
KIM
It's more like a tic.
WILL
It's a flinch.
DANA
(INTO HEADSET) A flinch or a tic.
What's going on?
CASEY
There's a fly in the studio.
DANA
A fly?
CASEY
Yes. A big one. He's been in here for
three days.
DANA
Dave, there's a fly in the studio?
DAVE
I'm not seein' it.
DANA
Casey says there's a fly.
DAVE
(TO CHRIS) Is there a fly in the
studio?
CHRIS
I'm not hearing anything.
DAVE
(TO DANA) There's no fly.
DANA
(INTO HEADSET) Casey, there's no fly.
CASEY
Dana, there is a fly in the studio the
size of a bald eagle, and every time
he buzzes my head on a fly-by it's
like a sound check at a Black Sabbath
concert. You're not picking this up?
DANA
Dan, is there a fly in the studio?
DAN
Let him work through it.
ISAAC ENTERS WITH A THICK BOOK UNDER HIS ARMS--
DANA
Isaac, I see you're smiling and
holding a ratings book both at the
same time. What do we know?
ISAAC
We're not in first and we're not in
second, but we picked up a point and a
half with men 18-49 and we took it
evenly from Fox and Bristol. Plus I
always smile this time of night. You
know why?
DANA
Double Chivas on the rocks?
ISAAC
That's right.
NATALIE
(OVER PA) You hear that? We're still
number three.
JEREMY
Here we go: The attendance at
tonight's game, 11,323, is exactly the
same as the population of Hoisington,
Kansas.
EVERYONE STARES AT JEREMY A MOMENT BEFORE--
DANA
(INTO HEADSET) Okay, Dan, here's the
thing.
You're gonna be 15 seconds short on
the Bucks/Pacers game. I have two
options for you. Option 1 is that the
attendance at the game, 11,323, turns
out to be exactly the same as the
population of-- (TURNING TO JEREMY)
JEREMY
Hoisington, Kansas.
DANA
(INTO HEADSET) Hoisington, Kansas.
DAN
And Option 2?
DANA
Talk slower.
CASEY FLAILS WILDLY AT AN INVISIBLE FLY--
DAN
Boy, it's almost hard to believe we're
in third place.
(END OF TEASER)
ACT I
(A)
INT. NEWSROOM/INT. CASEY AND DAN'S OFFICE - DAY - (DAY 2)
(Dan, Casey, Kim, Elliot)
CASEY AND DAN WALK THROUGH. CASEY APPEARS TO BE SLIGHTLY
HOBBLED.
DAN'S UNCONCERNED.
CASEY
Oh yeah, I'm in pain. I'd say this was
pain.
DAN
Kim, Elliot, could you get me a
recruiting file on Conference USA?
CASEY
I'm pretty sure I'd call this pain.
ELLIOT
Just football, or--
DAN
Football, basketball.
CASEY
I'd say this was a pain that was gonna
last well into the new year.
KIM
What happened?
DAN
Not important.
RESET TO:
INT. DAN AND CASEY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - (DAY 2)
AS DAN AND CASEY WALK IN--
CASEY
This was really gonna be the year I
started taking care of myself. I took
vitamins. I dressed properly. I played
racquet sports. All because someone
said, and I believed them, that if I
took care of my body, my body would
take care of me.
DAN
(SHOUTING INTO THE NEWSROOM) I need
the last three years.
ELLIOT (OS)
(SHOUTING BACK) Got it.
CASEY
I took care of my body. And my body
just deserted me at that moment.
DAN
Your brain deserted you, Casey, your
body was fine.
CASEY
I have a broken ankle. You're not
concerned that I have a broken ankle?
DAN
Where does it hurt?
CASEY
(AFTER STARING AT HIM A MOMENT) In my
ankle, Danny. It hurts in my ankle.
DAN
You shouldn't move it.
CASEY
I can't move it.
DAN
Well, see, you're all set.
SFX: THE PHONE RINGS--
CASEY
If that's Dana, I'm not here.
DAN
Why would it be Dana?
CASEY
I'm sayin' it could be Dana.
DAN
Could be a lot of people. (PICKS UP
THE PHONE) Hello? (LISTENS--THEN TO
CASEY) It's Dana.
CASEY
I'm not here.
DAN
(INTO PHONE) Yeah, he's right here,
what do you need. (LISTENS) No, he's
not flinching or anything, he seems
fine.
CASEY
I'm not fine, I have a broken ankle.
DAN
(INTO PHONE) We got that off the wire.
CASEY
Tell her I have a broken ankle.
DAN
(INTO PHONE) Casey had a broken ankle.
CASEY
Tell her it hurts.
DAN
(INTO PHONE) He says it hurts.
CASEY
Now try to make this part sound
dignified and heroic.
DAN
(INTO PHONE) He kicked a fire-hydrant
on his way back from lunch.
CASEY
Alright, stop talking about it now.
DAN
(INTO PHONE) Because he'd just found
out that you're going to Vermont for
the weekend with Gordon.
CASEY
That is not why, that is not why!
DAN
(INTO PHONE) No, he's walkin' pretty
good now.
CASEY GIVES UP AND SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH...
DAN (cont'd)
We'll see you at the afternoon run-
down.
DAN HANGS UP.
CASEY
Thanks for the teamwork.
DAN
No problem.
CASEY
Did she say anything?
DAN
She said you shouldn't kick fire-
hydrants.
CASEY
I didn't see the fire-hydrant.
DAN
What were you trying to kick?
CASEY
You. I was trying to kick you.
DAN
Well you missed.
CASEY
You've known for a while now she's
been seeing this guy Gordon.
DAN
Yes.
CASEY
And you didn't tell me.
DAN
Right.
CASEY
Why?
DAN
I thought you might be upset. I can
see now I was wrong.
CASEY
I'm not upset. I've known her for 15
years. She does this kind of thing
from time to time.
DAN
You mean have a personal life?
CASEY
Yeah. She does it just to make me
jealous.
DAN
I don't think it's gonna work, do you?
CASEY
This isn't jealousy, Danny. My
behavior is not motivated by jealousy.
DAN
What is it motivated by?
CASEY
An emotion I'm having trouble putting
my finger on at the moment, but it'll
come to me.
KIM POPS HER HEAD IN--
KIM
Dan, I just got a call from a woman
named Malory Moss in business affairs,
she needs to see you about some
accounting.
DAN
It'll have to wait, Kim, Casey and I
need to work right now.
CASEY
Ankle pain, ankle pain, ankle pain.
DAN
I'll be right there.
CUT TO:
ACT I
(B)
INT. EDITING ROOM - DAY - (DAY 2)
(Dana, Natalie)
NATALIE IS SITTING AT THE EDITING BAY, DANA AT THE COUCH, WITH
SEVERAL PILES OF TAPE BOXES SURROUNDING THEM ON THE FLOOR AND
TABLE.
DANA
You know something? I can't think of
the last time I had a good idea.
NATALIE
This segment's a good idea.
DANA
It's not a really good idea. It's a
fine idea. It's a regular idea. You
have good ideas a lot. I find myself
saying "Natalie's got a good idea."
NATALIE
But you also find yourself saying
Natalie, if you screw that up again,
I'll set you on fire.
DANA
That's true too, and yet it's the good
idea thing that I'm focusing on right now.
NATALIE
Do you like this shot here?
DANA
All I'm looking at is the "Pepsi"
sign.
NATALIE
Movin' on.
DANA
What was the last good idea you had?
NATALIE
When I got up this morning, I decided
not to stick my hand in the blender.
DANA
That's what I mean.
NATALIE
(RE: THE FILM) How 'bout this.
DANA
That's good.
NATALIE
I think the way you're handling the
Casey situation is very good.
DANA
The Casey situation?
NATALIE
I'm calling it The Casey Situation.
DANA
It's not a situation.
NATALIE
It's a bit of a situation.
DANA
It's not at all a situation.
NATALIE
I've already named it.
DANA
You know, from, like, the second Casey
and Lisa split up, everyone in this
office has been convinced that I have
a strategy for getting Casey to fall
in love with me.
NATALIE
You're wrong. We knew you didn't have
a strategy and we're glad you've
finally come up with something.
DANA
I have not come up with something.
NATALIE
Well at least you're asking for help.
DANA
Natalie, I'm not employing a strategy.
NATALIE
You're going to Vermont for the
weekend with Gordon.
DANA
Yes.
NATALIE
And you bought new lingerie.
DANA
Yes I did.
NATALIE
And you went out of your way to make
sure Casey knew you bought new
lingerie.
DANA
I did not.
NATALIE
Right, that was me.
DANA
Natalie--
NATALIE
Well let's get this show on the road
already, huh?
DANA
There's no show and there's no road.
NATALIE
You're going to Vermot with Gordon
and new lingerie.
DANA
Yes I am. Because I choose to. And
there's nothing sinister about it. I
like Gordon. And I like Vermont. So
I'm going with Gordon to Vermont. And
I'm taking new lingerie. For me. This
is for me.
NATALIE
Well I gotta say, you've got Casey
right where you want him.
DANA
I retract all the things I said about
you having good ideas.
NATALIE
How much did you pay for the lingerie?
DANA
A lot of money. Show me the next clip.
CUT TO:
ACT I
(C)
INT. MALORY'S OFFICE - DAY - (DAY 2)
(Dan, Malory)
THE OFFICE IS TINY AND CRAMPED AND THE OCCUPANT NEW. MALORY
MOSS,
SMALL AND EFFICIENT, IS AT HER DESK WHEN DAN ENTERS AND TAPS
LIGHTLY ON THE OPEN DOOR.
DAN
Hi, excuse me.
MALORY
Oh, hi.
DAN
I'm Dan Rydell, they said you wanted
to see me?
MALORY
Yes, I'm Malory Moss, I just started
this week, so please forgive the--
DAN
That's fine. Let me just say this:
There's a revolving door on business
affairs and I go through this with
every new person. My out-of-town
expense sheets tend to be a little
unusual.
MALORY
Yes I noticed, but that's not the
problem.
DAN
What's the problem?
MALORY
During your broadcast on September
5th, you sang "Happy Birthday" to your
partner, Casey McCall.
DAN
Yeah, but I can explain that, I was--
Wait, it was his birthday, why do I
have to explain that?
MALORY
You sang "Happy Birthday" on the air.
DAN
Dana cleared it.
MALORY
Who's Dana.
DAN
Dana Whitaker's the producer of the
show.
MALORY
Yes, but my predecessor didn't clear
it.
DAN
Who's your predecessor?
MALORY
Marty Scheinbaum.
DAN
Who's Marty Scheinbaum?
MALORY
My predecessor.
DAN
I don't have a whole lot of time, so--
MALORY
I think it's sweet that you and your
partner sing to each other on
television. Others may think it's
vaguely gay, but I disagree.
DAN
Thank you.
MALORY
Nonetheless, you can't do it anymore.
DAN
Why not?
MALORY
It's against the law.
DAN
It's against the law to be vaguely
gay?
MALORY
It's against the law to sing "Happy
Birthday" on television.
DAN
(PAUSE) That doesn't sound quite right
to me.
MALORY
It is.
DAN
You went to law school and everything?
MALORY
Yeah.
DAN
Took the bar?
MALORY
Three times.
DAN
It's against the law to sing "Happy
Birthday" on television?
MALORY
Federal copyright law.
DAN
"Happy Birthday" is protected
material?
MALORY
Yes.
DAN
Who holds the copyright on "Happy
Birthday"?
MALORY
Mildred and Patty Hill.
DAN
Who are they?
MALORY
The authors?
DAN
The authors.
MALORY
They wrote it.
DAN
They wrote the song.
MALORY
Did you think that song just happened?
DAN
Well...yeah.
MALORY
It didn't.
DAN
Live and learn.
MALORY
Yes indeed.
DAN
I'll send 'em an autographed baseball.
MALORY
They'd like that.
DAN GETS UP TO LEAVE--
DAN
Nice meeting you.
MALORY
Along with a check for $1000.
DAN
I'm sorry?
MALORY
They've billed the network a thousand
dollars.
DAN
A thousand dollars to sing "Happy
Birthday"?
MALORY
Yes.
DAN
They understand it was just me
singing, right? It wasn't like it was
Marilyn Monroe or anything.
MALORY
They understand.
DAN
You know what? From now on I'm only
singing songs in the public domain.
MALORY
That'll teach 'em.
DAN
I'm not kidding.
MALORY
Knock 'em dead.
CUT TO:
ACT I
(D)
INT. NEWSROOM/CASEY AND DAN'S OFFICE - DAY - (DAY 2)
(Casey, Jeremy)
AS CASEY WALKS IN CARRYING A TAPE--
CASEY
Jeremy.
JEREMY
Right here.
CASEY
Would you follow me please.
RESET TO:
INT. CASEY AND DAN'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - (DAY 2)
AS JEREMY FOLLOWS CASEY IN--
JEREMY
What's up?
CASEY
I hold here in my hand, a tape of last
night's show. I will put it in the
VCR, we shall fast-forward to the
portions where I flinch, and you will
see on the tape that there is a fly.
JEREMY
I don't think this is really--
CASEY
You will bear witness. You will bear
witness, and then you will tell
everyone that I'm not crazy.
JEREMY
I don't think anyone thinks you're
crazy.
CASEY
I think they do.
JEREMY
I'm sure you're wrong.
CASEY
It feels like everyone thinks I'm
crazy.
JEREMY
I have a lot of experience with that
feeling.
CASEY
I'm sure you do.
JEREMY
Yes.
CASEY
(RE: THE TV) Okay. Right here. You'll
see the fly clear as can be. Once we
come back to the single. Right here.
Where the hell's the fly?
JEREMY
You know, why don't I just tell
everybody that I saw--
CASEY
This isn't in my head.
JEREMY
Of course it's not.
CASEY
No seriously.
JEREMY
I know.
CASEY
There's a fly in there.
JEREMY
Maybe he only makes himself visible to
you.
CASEY
(PAUSE) Maybe he only makes himself
visible to me?
JEREMY
Like the rabbit in Harvey.
CASEY
This isn't like the rabbit in Harvey.
JEREMY
Of course it's not.
CASEY
No seriously.
JEREMY
I know.
CASEY
Jeremy--
JEREMY
I'm saying whether it's there or not,
you're making me believe it's there.
CASEY
It's there.
JEREMY
I believe it.
CASEY
Good.
JEREMY
I'd like to say something.
CASEY
Sure?
JEREMY
You know why women go away for the
weekend with men they're not
interested in?
CASEY
Why?
JEREMY
Cause the men they're interested in
didn't ask them.
CASEY
Dana's my friend, Jeremy. She's been
my friend for 15 years.
JEREMY
If it's any consolation, it's my
understanding that the weekend is
almost entirely about sex.
CASEY
Well that makes me feel, God, so much
better.
JEREMY
Sure.
CASEY
I'm not interested in Dana. I don't
care about her weekend plans.
JEREMY
Good.
CASEY
No seriously.
JEREMY
Call me if you find the fly.
JEREMY EXITS, LEAVING CASEY ALONE...
(END OF ACT I)
ACT II
(E)
FROM THE DARKNESS WE HEAR:
(Elliot (VO))
ELLIOT (VO)
Yeah, Landingham's getting dumped.
It's gonna be either Bosselli or the
guy from Iowa State.
FADE UP ON:
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - EVENING - (EVENING 2)
(Dan, Casey, Isaac, Dana, Natalie, Kim, Elliot)
A STAFF MEETING IS UNDERWAY.
NATALIE
Kitner?
ELLIOT
Yeah.
KIM
It's not gonna be Kitner.
DAN
It's gonna be Bosselli, but either way
it's time to get it on the air.
DANA
You have sources?
DAN
We have a healthy hunch.
ISAAC
You have sources?
KIM
Not for attribution.
DANA
Get someone to go on the record,
that's when we'll get it on the air.
DAN
No one understands the value of a
healthy hunch.
ISAAC
Our lawyers understand the value of a
healthy hunch. It's $300 an hour plus
court costs.
DANA
Get someone to go on the record. Now
what do we know about the phantom fly.
CASEY
It's not a phantom.
DANA
Fine--
CASEY
It's not a phantom fly. It's a real
fly.
DANA
We believe you.
CASEY
I'm like Tippi Hedron in there.
DANA
Nonetheless, the flinching--
KIM
Like a tic--
ELLIOT
It's a flinch--
CASEY
Listen to me: There is a fly in the
studio. And it's not a normal sized
fly. This is a jumbo fly. It has made
a habit now of flying into my monitors
at a great velocity. You would think
that at this velocity, the fly would
blow apart on impact, but apparently
this fly has some kind of protective
coating that allows it to come right
back at me.
ISAAC
Protective coating?
CASEY
Yes.
DANA
Does the fly have any other special
powers?
CASEY
No. Well, Jeremy thinks it might have
some sort of stealth capability.
ISAAC
Dana?
DANA
We'll brush the studio.
NATALIE
That's all. Final run-down's at ten
o'clock.
DAN
Isaac, you got a second?
EVERYONE HAS LEFT BEFORE ISAAC SAYS--
ISAAC
What's going on?
DAN
I've got the intellectual property
cops crawling up my butt.
ISAAC
The intellectual property cops?
DAN
Yeah.
ISAAC
Are crawling up your butt?
DAN
The heat's all over me.
ISAAC
What the hell are you--
DAN
I sang "Happy Birthday" to Casey on
the air.
ISAAC
When?
DAN
Well, on his birthday, Isaac.
ISAAC
Sure.
DAN
I'm being charged a thousand bucks by
the copyright holder.
ISAAC
Someone holds the copyright to "Happy
Birthday"?
DAN
The estate of Patty and Mildred Hill
of Anchorage, Kentucky.
ISAAC
Anchorage is in Alaska.
DAN
Turns out there's also one in
Kentucky. Anyway, I've put together a
short list of songs in the public
domain and I'm letting everyone pick
the song they'd like to have sung to
them on their birthday.
ISAAC
Why are you talking to me right now?
DAN
For you, I've boiled it down to "Les
Trois Capitanes" by Giuseppe Verdi or
"Yo-Ho-Ho and a Bottle of Rum".
ISAAC
Are you on any medication right now?
DAN
I'm gonna go with the Verdi.
CUT TO:
ACT II
(H)
INT. EDITING ROOM - NIGHT - (NIGHT 2)
(Jeremy, Natalie)
JEREMY IS SITTING AT THE EDITING BAY WHILE NATALIE STANDS NEARBY.
JEREMY
If you freeze frame this shot here,
right? And lose the Pepsi sign. You
spot-shadow the right inside
linebacker, then cut back to movement
on the whole field. That works!
NATALIE
Jeremy, when was the last time you had
a good idea?
JEREMY
It was right then.
NATALIE
That's not what I mean.
JEREMY
It was a good idea.
NATALIE
I was talking on a grander scale.
JEREMY
I see.
NATALIE
I mean a good idea on the grand scale
of human experience.
JEREMY
Yes.
NATALIE
When was the last time you had one?
JEREMY
A good idea on the grand scale of
human experience?
NATALIE
Yes.
JEREMY
(PAUSE) You understand I'm sayin' we
spot-shadow the inside linebacker.
NATALIE
Yes.
JEREMY
And that doesn't count?
NATALIE
I feel like a freeloader sometimes,
leaving the good ideas up to other
people. I feel like I'm standing on
the shoulders of generations past.
JEREMY
My grandfather invented the clipboard.
NATALIE
Did he?
JEREMY
Well he didn't invent it, but he
always used to complain that he didn't
have a portable writing surfact.
NATALIE
I don't think you're gettng it.
JEREMY
Yeah, I don't think so.
NATALIE
I'm certain beyond any doubt that if
Dana and Casey got together as a
couple, they would both be very happy.
I think that's a good idea.
JEREMY
It's a virtuous idea, I don't know if--
NATALIE
You don't think it's a good idea?
JEREMY
I'm not really one to--
NATALIE
Tell me what you think.
JEREMY
It's a bad idea.
NATALIE
Look who's talking. You want to spot-
shadow the outside linebacker.
JEREMY
Inside linebacker.
NATALIE
They're meant for each other.
JEREMY
Wasn't it your idea to hire me?
NATALIE
Yes.
JEREMY
There you go.
CUT TO:
ACT II
(J)
INT. CONTROL ROOM/STUDIO/NEWSROOM/STUDIO - NIGHT - (NIGHT 2)
(Dan, Casey, Isaac, Dana, Natalie, Kim, Chris, Will, Dave,
Gordon)
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A SHOW.
DAN
12 for 19 from the field, 11 blocked
shots, 13 assists, add it all up and
it's what the old folks call a triple-
double.
CASEY
It's what the Germans call a dreifach
verdopplen, in Japanese it's toripulu
daburu, and it's rawa-ingwa-oo for
those of you who speak the ancient
language of Acadian. You're watching
Sports Night on CSC, so stick around.
NATALIE
We're out.
DAVE
60 seconds back.
DANA
The ancient language of Acadian?
JEREMY
That was me.
DAN
Hey Dana? I notice you've got a
birthday coming up, and was wondering
how you feel about "Oh, Dem Golden
Slippers"?
DANA LOOKS AROUND THE CONTROL ROOM FOR AN EXPLANATION--
ISAAC
Just go with it.
DANA
Yeah that's fine.
DAN
(TO CASEY) By the way, you know what
you gave me for my birthday? A box of
Mallomars.
CASEY
You like Mallomars.
DAN
I love Mallomars. But these weren't
thousand-dollar Mallomars.
CASEY
They were good Mallomars.
DAN
They were find Mallomars, but you
could've had the Spice Girls serve me
the Mallomars in hot pants and I still
say you owe me money.
DAVE
Ten seconds.
DAN
How's your ankle?
CASEY
Broken.
DAN
"Frere Jacques" for you on your
birthday next year.
DAVE
In three, two--
CASEY
That's all for this edition of Sports
Night. Come back Monday Night, we'll
have the NFL, the NBA and all the
college ball you can handle.
DAN
I'm Dan Rydell. For Casey McCall and
everyone here at CSC, thanks for
joining us. Have a good weekend.
DAVE
We're out.
EVERYONE STARTS TO GET UP AND DISPERSE--
DANA
Vermont!
KIM
Gordon just called from his car, he's
downstairs.
DANA
I'm on my way. I am on my way to
Vermont. Five hours from now, I shall
be in Vermont. You know what I'm doing
right now?
KIM
Going to Vermont?
DANA
That's right.
NATALIE
(TO CASEY) Dana's leaving. Go say
goodbye.
CASEY
I have things to do.
NATALIE
What do you have to do?
CASEY
I have to take off my earpiece.
NATALIE YANKS THE EARPIECE OFF BY THE CORD--
CASEY (cont'd)
Ow.
DANA IS STILL WAXING ON TO ANYONE WHO'LL STAND STILL LONG ENOUGH
TO LIST, WHICH IS TO SAY NO ONE.
DANA
The Green Mountain State. Maple Syrup.
You want me to bring you back some
Maple Syrup, Chris?
CHRIS
I have maple syrup.
WILL
I need maple syrup.
DANA
Maple syrup for Will.
WILL
No, wait, I have maple syrup.
DANA
No maple syrup for Will.
DAVE
G'night.
DANA
G'night guys.
CASEY WALKS THROUGH--
CASEY
G'night. Have a good weekend.
DANA
I will.
CASEY
(UNDER HIS BREATH) I bet you will.
DANA
What was that?
CASEY
I said I bet you will.
DANA
You bet I will?
CASEY
Yes.
DANA
What does that mean?
CASEY
It means that if someone were to offer
money against the possibility of your
not having a good time this weekend, I
would take that action.
DANA
I'm gonna have a good time this
weekend.
CASEY
I bet you will.
DANA
Stop saying that.
CASEY
Dana, I want you to go to Vermont, I
want you to have a good time, I'm all
for it, really I am, except for this:
I don't think you should go.
DANA
Don't do this.
CASEY
Who's Gordon?
DANA
Gordon's my friend. He's nothing
anyone needs to worry about.
CASEY
Aztec Two-Step? Turandot?
DANA
Have you been following me?
CASEY
No?
DANA
Have you?
CASEY
I have not been following you. I'm not
ten years old. I looked at the
calendar on your desk.
DANA
I don't believe--
CASEY
Saturday the 2nd, Aztec Two-Step at
the Bottom Line with Gordon.
"Sunday the 10th, Turandot at Lincoln
Center with Gordon." I'm assuming,
although your modifier was dangling,
that you were going with Gordon to see
Turandot, and that you weren't going
to see Gordon in Turandot.
DANA
Yes that's right.
CASEY
So?
DANA
So knock it off.
CASEY
Knock what off?
DANA
This, this. Knock it off. You've been
doing it to me since college and we're
not doing it anymore.
DANA TURNS AND EXITS OUT THE BACK AND INTO THE EMPTY NEWSROOM.
CASEY FOLLOWS.
INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS - (NIGHT 2)
CASEY
We're not doing what anymore?
DANA
Every time your life starts to spin
out of control, you come after me.
And you make me feel like you feel a
certain way when you really don't. You
did it in college. You did it in
Dallas. You did it in L.A. and you're
doing it now. I don't think you're
cute, I don't think you're funny, I
don't think you're smart, and
sometimes I don't think you're very
nice.
CASEY
You don't think I'm funny?
DANA GRABS A FILE OFF ONE OF THE DESKS AND STARTS TO WALK OUT--
DANA
I'm leaving now.
CASEY
I apologize for nothing.
DANA STOPES AND TURNS AROUND.
CASEY (cont'd)
That's not true. I apologize for some
things, but not a lot of things. A few
things. Several things. I apologize
for about half the things.
DANA
G'night.
CASEY
What do you want from me? I married
Lisa. Now I'm not married to Lisa.
DANA
Lisa was a friend of mine.
CASEY
Lisa can't stand you.
DANA
Lisa can't stand you.
CASEY
Lisa can't stand Lisa.
DANA
Whatever the case, your life is
changing faster than you can manage.
You're depressed, you're angry, you're
lonely, and you're frightened. but,
God, everything'll be fine if I can
just see Dana naked.
CASEY
Dana, believe me, I have no desire to
see you naked.
DANA
Excuse me?
CASEY
That came out wrong.
DANA
Make it come out right.
CASEY
Of course I want to see you naked.
DANA
Louder.
CASEY
I want to see you naked.
DANA
I can't hear you.
CASEY
I want badly to see you naked.
JEREMY HAS COME AROUND THE CORNER CARRYING A TAPE--
DANA
Yeah you better want to see me naked.
DANA AND CASEY NOTICE JEREMY. JEREMY STANDS THERE JUST A
MOMENT,
SILENTLY ASSESSES THE SITUATION, TURNS AROUND AND GOES BACK THE
WAY HE CAME.
DANA (cont'd)
You know what I do when my life is
spinning out of control? I buy a new
lamp. Every time I feel I'm losing it
just a little, I buy a lamp.
CASEY
Then you must have one well lit
apartment 'cause, lady, you have
turned a corner somewhere.
DANA
I'm not the one being hunted by an
imaginary insect.
CASEY
A fly isn't an insect.
DANA
Of course it's an insect.
CASEY
What is it that isn't an insect?
DANA
A spider.
CASEY
That's right.
DANA
So while I appreciate the attention,
you and I know that it's not about me,
it's about you being a lunatic.
CASEY
Dana, you seem to be under the
impression that I am harboring some
kind of love for you.
DANA
No you're under that impression, but I
know that it's in your head. Just like
the fly.
CASEY
A) I'm not feeling what you think I'm
feeling, B) If I were feeling what you
think I'm feeling, it wouldn't be in
my head, and C) You have serious
feelings for me that you are now being
forced to confront and that will
likely send you into a lamp-buying
frenzy.
DANA
Let's review, 'cause I don't think you
quite have this: I have utterly no
feelings for you whatsoever, you are
monumentally interested in me, only
you're not, 'cause it's all in your
head.
CASEY
Like the fly?
DANA
Like the fly.
CASEy
So just to sum up: You're critically
deranged.
DANA
You know what I'm taking with me to
Vermont?
CASEY
A team of world-class psychiatrists?
DANA
Black lingerie. Lots of it. I'm gonna
have a good time.
CASEY
I bet you will.
DANA AND CASEY STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT.
DANA
(SERIOUSLY) Knock it off, Casey. You
know what I'm talking about and you
know it's not fair to me. It's not
good for you, it's not good for me and
it's not good for the show. So knock
it off.
GORDON ENTERS FROM THE DOUBLE-DOORS--
GORDON
Dana?
DANA
Hey sweetie.
GORDON
I was waiting downstairs, I thought
something might be wrong.
DANA
No, sorry, just tying up some loose
ends. (SHE KISSES HIM)
GORDON
(RE: THE KISS) Worth waiting for.
CASEY
Gordon, I'm Casey McCall.
GORDON
Great to meet you, I'm a big fan.
CASEY
You guys are gonna get eight to ten
inches of new powder at Sugarbush, I
checked the wire for you.
GORDON
Cool. Thanks, man.
CASEY
No problem. Have a great weekend.
CASEY EXITS--
GORDON
Ready to go?
DANA
I left my bags by the elevators.
WE FOLLOW DANA AND GORDON THROUGH THE CONTROL ROOM AND INTO
THE
STUDIO AS WE:
RESET TO:
INT. STUDIO - CONTINUOUS - (NIGHT 2)
AS DANA AND GORDON ENTER AND WALK ACROSS.
DANA STOPS WHEN SHE HEARS SOMETHING. SHE FLINCHES AS SOMETHING
BUZZES BY HER HEAD...
...AN UNSEEN FLY.
SHE STANDS MOTIONLESS FOR A LONG MOMENT.
GORDON
Dana? (BEAT) Something wrong?
DANA
(TO HERSELF) Son of gun.
FADE TO BLACK.
(END OF SHOW)