Sports Night

"When Something Wicked This Way Comes"

by
Aaron Sorkin

Directed by
Bob Berlinger

UPDATED FINAL   9/20/99

SPORTS NIGHT

"When Something Wicked This Way Comes"
#N325
Cast

Dan........................Josh Charles
Casey.....................Peter Krause
Isaac..............Robert Guillaume
Dana................Felicity Huffman
Jeremy....................Josh Malina
Natalie.................Sabrina Lloyd
Kim.........................Kayla Blake
Elliot........................Greg Baker
Chris.........Timothy Davis-Reed
Will..........................Ron Ostrow
Dave.....................Jeff Mooring
Sam................William H. Macy

SPORTS NIGHT

(TEASER)

FROM THE DARKNESS WE HEAR:

KIM (VO)

Five minutes to air, first team in the
studio, please.  Five minutes.

FADE IN:

INT. VIDEO ROOM HALLWAY/STUDIO/CORRIDOR/CONTROL ROOM/
NEWSROOM/DANA'S OFFICE/CORRIDORS/NEWSROOM/CONTROL ROOM/STUDIO
- NIGHT - (NIGHT 1)
(Dan, Casey, Isaac, Dana, Jeremy, Natalie, Kim, Elliot,
Chris, Will, Dave, Atmosphere)

JEREMY AND NATALIE MAKE THEIR WAY THROUGH THE CORRIDORS
TOWARD DANA'S OFFICE--

NATALIE

Well, I've heard the rumor.

JEREMY

And I've heard the rumor.

NATALIE

That's two.

JEREMY

Plus Kim.

NATALIE

That's three.

JEREMY

Three people have heard the rumor.

NATALIE

So I think we're justified in being
nervous.

JEREMY

I think we're justified in being damn
nervous, and I'm someone who can be,
frankly, nervous without much
justification at all.

INT. STUDIO - CONTINUOUS - (NIGHT 1)

NATALIE

I know.

THEY CROSS PATHS WITH ELLIOT--

JEREMY

Elliot, have you heard the rumor?

ELLIOT

Yes I have.

JEREMY

That's four.

NATALIE

That's four people we know who've
heard the rumor.

JEREMY

And that's only counting the people we
know who've heard the rumor.

NATALIE

That's right.

INT. CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS - (NIGHT 1)

JEREMY

What exactly does a ratings expert do?

NATALIE

Well, presumably he raises ratings.

INT. CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS - (NIGHT 1)

JEREMY

What's wrong with our ratings?

NATALIE

Our ratings are fine.

JEREMY

We come in third.

NATALIE

Consistently.

JEREMY

Damn straight.

NATALIE

We come in third each and every week.

JEREMY

The only way we could possibly do
better is if we came in first or second.

INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS - (NIGHT 1)

NATALIE

That's right.

JEREMY

It's not like we're those clowns in
fourth.

NATALIE

Buncha losers.

JEREMY

So I honestly don't see the logic in
hiring someone to come in here and
shake things up in order to gain share
points, when our ratings are perfectly
fine.

NATALIE

It's illogical.

JEREMY

And yet four people have heard the
rumor.

AS DAVE CROSSES--

DAVE

You guys hear about the ratings guy?

JEREMY

A full five people now.

DAVE

Good show.

NATALIE

Good show.

THEY CONTINUE ON--

JEREMY

I'm a little worked up about this.

NATALIE

As well you should be.

JEREMY

As well should we all.

THEY'VE ARRIVED AT DANA'S OFFICE WHERE NATALIE KNOCKS ON
THE DOOR.

DANA (OS)

Come in.

CUT TO:

INT. DANA'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - (NIGHT 1)

DANA, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, IS WEARING BLACK BIKER LEATHERS.
HEAD TO TOE, NO LIE.  SHE LOOKS KINDA LIKE MICHELLE PFEIFFER
IN BATMAN ONLY BETTER 'CAUSE, WELL, DANA'S BETTER LOOKING
THAN MICHELLE PFEIFFER.

NATALIE AND JEREMY ENTER--

DANA

Hi.

JEREMY

(PAUSE)  Hello.

DANA

What's up?

NATALIE

Dana, what are you wearing?

DANA

Do you like it?

NATALIE

As a matter of fact I do.

DANA

Tell me something:  Why would the
nickle back have set up five yards off
the line on third-and-one inside the
50 and they've been goin' off-tackle
all day?

NATALIE

You have to figure--excuse me, Dana.
(TO JEREMY)  Sweetie, Dana can tell
when you're staring at her breasts.

JEREMY

I wasn't.

NATALIE

It's okay.

JEREMY

I mean my eyes naturally went there,
but now I'm fine.

NATALIE

Why are you wearing that?

JEREMY

I assume after the show you're going
directly to an important business
meeting.

NATALIE

She's going to a bachelorette party.
(TO DANA)  Why are you wearing those
clothes?

THE THREE OF THEM HEAD OUT INTO--

INT. CORRIDORS/NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS - (NIGHT 1)

DANA

The bachelorette party is biker-
themed.

JEREMY

It's biker-themed?

DANA

It's biker-themed.  We're all being
picked up and escorted to the party on
Harleys.  I'm gonna ride on the back of
a hog.

NATALIE

Yeah?

DANA

I know the lingo.

JEREMY

Listen, have you heard the rumor?

DANA

About the ratings guy?

NATALIE

Is it true?

DANA

No.

NATALIE

No you haven't heard the rumor?

DANA

Yes I've heard the rumor, no it isn't
true.

JEREMY

Really?

DANA

There's no ratings guy.

INT. CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS - (NIGHT 1)

JEREMY

Five people have heard the rumor.

DANA

Five people are wrong.  Show me San
Diego, show me Oakland.

DAVE

Three minutes out.

CHRIS

Loading animation 1 thru 5.

WILL

Loading Sound-5.

DANA

The chyron's clear on 60?

NATALIE

It's clearing.

DAVE

Oakland's up.

DANA

Thank you, Dave, stop looking at my
ass.

DAVE

No problem.

IN THE STUDIO--

CASEY IS GETTING PRIMPED AND BRUSHED AND HE SPEAKS TO SOME
PEOPLE STANDING AROUND THE ANCHOR DESK.

CASEY

My point is that it can't be any old
first date.  The bar here is very high.
Not so much because it'll be my first
date with Dana, but because it'll be
Dana's first date with me.  And I'm
known for my first dates in some
parts.  In certain parts I have a rep.
There's such a thing as street cred.

DAN HAS APPEARED--

DAN

Casey--

CASEY

Dan--

DAN

Listen to this:

CASEY

Tell 'em about my street cred.

DAN

Seriously--

CASEY

Tell 'em about my rep.

DAN

You don't have a rep, you don't have
street cred, your last date was 14
years ago and you ended up with a
marriage and a divorce.

CASEY

(PAUSE)  In some parts--

DAN

There are no parts, now listen to
this:

DAVE

Two minutes to VTR.

DAN

I just hung up the phone.  What's the
best news I could have?

CASEY

You won a four-week vacation to
someplace else?

DAN

The best news I could have for me.

CASEY

You got invited to the Hillary Clinton
fund-raising breakfast.

DAN

I got invited to the Hillary Clinton
fund-raising breakfast.  Me, the First
Lady, scrambled eggs and lively
conversation.  It turns out it wasn't
that hard.  You know what you have to
do?

CASEY

Write a check for a thousand dollars?

DAN

That's right.  But not everybody was
given that opportunity.  I was asked.

CASEY

They asked you for a thousand dollars
and you gave it to them.  That's
incredible, Danny.

DAN

I was picked, Casey, I was identified.

CASEY

Yes, it's called being a mark.

DAN

I gladly gave my money to a good
fight.

CASEY

Danny, Isaac's got enough to deal with
from the network right now without you
getting into a good fight.

DAN

This isn't about politics.

CASEY

She's running for the Senate.

DAN

This is about me, Ms. Hillary Rodham
of Chicago, and a connection.

CASEY

There'll be a connection?

DAN

I believe there will be.

CASEY

This really isn't political, is it?

DAN

 No sir, it is not.

CASEY

You have a crush on Hillary Clinton.

DAN

I carry a torch for her, yes.

CASEY

You're hot for Mrs. Clinton.

DAN

Well who isn't, but in my case, it's
more than physical, it's cerebral.

CASEY

No doubt about it, and I think we need
to get you a CAT-scan and stat.

DAN

I would like to have an intelligent,
high-minded, right-thinking, socially-
progressive, impressively-pragmatic
conversation with Hillary Clinton, and
tomorrow morning I shall.

CASEY

Shall you?

DAN

Yes.  And she will say "My goodness
that Dan Rydell is a bright young boy.
So much more than sports scores and
highlights.  I think I'll make him my
gentleman friend."

CASEY

Well, then, here's to you, Mrs.
Robinson.

DAN

How can we get you to think more like
me?

CASEY

You could have someone hit me in the
head about five-hundred times.

DAVE

Roll VTR.

KIM

60 seconds live.

JEREMY

What kind of world do we live in, when
third place isn't almost as good as
second place?

DANA

Jeremy--

JEREMY

The rumors are undeniable, Dana.

DANA

No they're not undeniable, I'm denying
them.

NATALIE

(TO JEREMY) Do the count again.

JEREMY

Natalie and me, that's two--

DANA

Don't do the count.

JEREMY

Kim and Elliot, that's four.

DANA

He's doing the count.

JEREMY

Casey and Dan.

ELLIOT

That's six.

DANA

Thanks.

JEREMY

Will, Chris and Dave.

DANA

And I'm just doing this in my head,
but that's nine, right?

JEREMY

Yes.

ISAAC WALKS INTO THE CONTROL ROOM--

DANA

Isaac. Good, you're here.  Tell these--

ISAAC

What are you dressed as?

DANA

I'm going to a bachelorette party.
It's a theme bachelorette party.

NATALIE

Ask her what the theme is.

ISAAC

I just assumed it was "Hookers."

DANA

It's biker-chicks.

ISAAC

Just as good in my book.

KIM

30 seconds live.

DANA

Isaac, tell these people, would you?

ISAAC

Tell 'em what?

DANA

Tell 'em the rumor isn't true.  Tell
'em there isn't a ratings expert
coming in to work on the show.

ISAAC

The rumor is true.  There is a ratings
expert coming to work on the show and
he's coming tomorrow.

DANA

(PAUSE) The network hired a ratings
guy?

ISAAC

The network didn't hire him, I did.

THE CONTROL ROOM IS SILENT FOR A MOMENT BEFORE--

JEREMY

Dana, this may not be the right time,
but that's ten.

DAVE

In three...two...

CASEY

Good evening from New York City, I'm
Casey McCall alongside Dan Rydell.
Those stories plus, we'll take you
around the NHL where the Red Wings did
some damage to the duck pond, and
we'll take you around the NFL where
the Dolphins did some damage to
themselves.

DAN

All that comin' up after this.  You're
watching Sports Night on CSC, so stick
around.

DAVE

We're out.

END OF TEASER

ACT I

(A)

INT. HALLWAY/NEWSROOM/DAN AND CASEY'S OFFICE/NEWSROOM/
HALLWAY/DAN AND CASEY'S OFFICE/NEWSROOM/DANA'S OFFICE
- DAY - (DAY 2)
(Dan, Casey, Dana, Natalie, Kim, Elliot, Atmosphere)

CASEY AND NATALIE ARE HEADED TOWARD CASEY'S OFFICE.

CASEY

First dates are my strength, Natalie,
they're my strong suit.

NATALIE

Really?

CASEY

They're my forte.

NATALIE

When was the last time you went on a
first date?

CASEY

As a matter of face, Mrs.
McWisenheimer, I was on a date several
months ago with a woman whose name
escapes me at the moment.

NATALIE

When?

CASEY

The double-date with Gordon and Dana
when you ran the show and screwed
everything up.

NATALIE

I didn't screw anything up.

INT. DAN AND CASEY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - (NIGHT 1)

CASEY

Whatever, I was on a first date.
Saturday night I'll be on another
first date, a very important, first
date, and not just because of my
street cred.

NATALIE

Though a man's rep is pretty
important.

CASEY

Yes it is, and I'm telling you, the
carriage rides in the park are out.

NATALIE

They were out for a while and now
they're back in.

CASEY

Are you sure?

NATALIE

Yes.

CASEY

'Cause this is the kinda thing that
could ruin me.

NATALIE

Ice skating is okay.

CASEY

There's a problem with that.

NATALIE

It's October and the ice isn't frozen?

CASEY

(BEAT)  No, I was thinking I need new
laces, but you're right, yeah, two
problems.

DAN, WEARING AN OVERCOAT AND A DARK SUIT, RAPS ON THE GLASS
FROM THE CORRIDOR AND CALLS--

DAN

Stay right there.

THEN HE DISAPPEARS AROUND THE CORNER.

NATALIE

You know nothing about the ratings
guy?

INT. NEWSROOM/HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS - (NIGHT 1)

CASEY

I know the exact same thing you know.
Isaac is in meetings, he'll talk to us
about it later.  My question is where's
Dana?

DAN

I'm back.

NATALIE

How was it?

DAN

Fantastic.

CASEY

Good scrambled eggs?

DAN

Excellent scrambled eggs.

CASEY

Connection?

DAN

Connection made, my young friend.

NATALIE

Does anybody care if I'm not part of
this?

DAN

It's just as well, Natalie, there are
gonna be some parts of this story that
are unsuitable for mixed company.

CASEY

Natalie, I guarantee there are gonna
be no parts of this story that are
unsuitable for mixed company.

NATALIE

I have to edit tape.

DAN

I was introduced to her and she held
out her hand.  Hillary Clinton.  There
she was.  With the hair and the shoes
and the whole thing.  She said,
"Dan--," first of all, she called me
'Dan'.

CASEY

Were you wearing a name tag?

DAN

(PAUSE) Yeah. (BEAT)  All right,
anyway, she said, "Dan, I'm not much
of a sports fan, but whenever I've
watched your show, you've made me
laugh."  I've made her laugh.

CASEY

You've made quite a few of us laugh.

INT. DAN AND CASEY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - (NIGHT 1)

DAN

Okay, you know what?  She said
something nice about you, but I'm not
gonna tell you what it was.

CASEY

Carriage ride through the park:  In or
out?

DAN

I'm not gonna tell you that either.

CASEY

Finish the story.

DAN

The story is we had a conversation.
Seriously.  Someone had clearly briefed
her on my stuff with the public
schools and I told her about my
opposition to secular programs that
are publicly financed.  I really spoke
up and she seemed to listen.

CASEY

You mean non-secular.

DAN

What do you mean?

CASEY

You don't oppose secular programs that
are publicly financed, you oppose non-
secular programs that are publicly
financed.

DAN

(BEAT) Yes.

CASEY

Go on.

DAN

Wait.

CASEY

I'm right.

DAN

Are you sure?

CASEY

Non-secular means bound to religious
guidelines.  Secular means free of
religion.

DAN IS CLEARLY THINKING ABOUT IT--

DAN

(PAUSE) Okay.  (BEAT)  I'm sure I got it
right at breakfast.

CASEY

50-50 chance.

DAN

Yeah.

CASEY

So go on.

DAN

I'm gonna change my clothes.

CASEY

Okay.

DAN

I didn't get it right.

CASEY

I know.

DAN

I blew it.

CASEY

Yes.

DAN

I mixed-up--I inverted the definitions
of secular and non-secular.

CASEY

Looks like that might be the case.

DAN

Hillary Clinton thinks I'm an idiot.

CASEY

Either that or a religious bigot.

DAN

I went to an Ivy League school, Casey.

CASEY

It's a proud day for Dartmouth, Dan.

DAN

I made an idiot out of myself in front
of Hillary Clinton.

CASEY

Yeah, but at least you had to spend a
thousand bucks to do it.

THERE'S A LONG SILENCE WHILE DAN STEWS ON THIS FOR A
MOMENT...

DAN

Well clearly I have to get in touch
with her.

CASEY

Clearly.

DAN

I need her to know that I know the
difference between secular and non-
secular.

CASEY

You don't know the difference between
secular and non-secular.

DAN

Yes, but I do now.  And I should've
then.  I have to call her.

CASEY

At this point I'd say it's a moral
imperative.

DAN

I'll call her hotel.

CASEY

They'll put you right through.

DAN

I'm not saying it's not gonna take
perseverance, but I'm gonna make
contact with this woman.

CASEY

And for me, here's where the fun
starts.

DAN

Carriage ride?

CASEY

Yeah.

DAN

With Dana?

CASEY

Yeah.

DAN

Blanket, bottle of champagne?

CASEY

Yes.  This is after dinner.

DAN

You're fine.

CASEY

Good luck.

DAN

Thank you.

DAN EXITS AS DANA APPEARS OUTSIDE THE OFFICE.  SHE'S VERY
EXCITED--

DANA

Casey--

DAN

Dana, I can't talk right now.

DANA

No problem.  Casey--

CASEY

Hey, I'm glad you're here, 'cause we
have some decisions to make.

DANA

I've had an epiphany.

CASEY

Really?

DANA

Yeah.

CASEY

Then you're probably not hungry.

DANA

Walk with me.

CASEY IS OUT THE DOOR AND JOINS DANA AS THEY WALK THROUGH--
INT. NEWSROOM/HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS - (DAY 2)

CASEY

Okay.

DANA

And try not to make bad jokes.

CASEY

Okay.

DANA

I was up all night.

CASEY

I heard.  Good bachelorette party?

DANA

It was great.  But.  That's not where I
was all night.

INT. DANA'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS - (NIGHT 2)

CASEY

Where were you all night?

DANA

Having an epiphany.

CASEY

Was there a stripper?

DANA

At the party?

CASEY

Yeah.

DANA

Yes there was.

CASEY

Did he have a better body than me?

DANA

Of course he had a better body than
you, Casey, he was a professional male
stripper.

CASEY

You know, let me tell you something:
When we're asked, men know how to
answer that question.

DANA

Listen.  Seriously.

CASEY

It's not like I'm not qualified for
the job, Dana, it's just that I've
never--

DANA

--I understand.  Do you want to hear
about the epiphany?

CASEY

No.

DANA

Casey--

CASEY

Yes.  But first let me just clear this
plan with you.
I pick you up Saturday at eight.
Drinks at Moomba.  Dinner at Cafe des
Artistes, and, wait for it, carriage
ride through the park with a bottle of
champagne.

DANA

I can top that.

CASEY

I'm listening.

DANA

Instead of doing all that as our first
date Saturday night, we postpone our
first date for six months while you
see other women.

CASEY

(AFTER A LONG PAUSE)  I'm sorry?

DANA

We don't go out on our first date
Saturday night.  Or Sunday night.  Or
for another six months.  In the
meantime, you see other women.

CASEY

(AFTER AN EQUALLY LONG PAUSE) I'm
sorry?

DANA

It was my epiphany.

CASEY

What was your epiphany.

DANA

That instead of you and I going out on
our first--

CASEY

Don't say it again.  What's happened?

DANA

Listen.

CASEY

I am.

DANA

The bride.  My friend at the thing last
night.  Someone leaned over to me and
said "It's never gonna last."

CASEY

What's never gonna last?

DANA

The bride and the guy.

CASEY

Why not?

DANA

Because he was basically the only guy
she'd dated as an adult.
And either she was gonna meet someone
better, or she'd always feel like she
could've met someone better.

CASEY

Dana--

DANA

Casey, you started dating Lisa when
you were 18, you married her when you
were 23.

CASEY

I remember all that.

DANA

I think you know how I feel about you,
Casey.

CASEY

I think I do.

DANA

I want us to have a clear shot at
this.

CASEY

Me too.

DANA

The date you planned sounds great.

CASEY

Yes it does.

DANA

And we're definitely gonna do it.

CASEY

Okay.

DANA

But first you have to date other
women.

CASEY

Let's go back to the beginning.

FADE TO BLACK

END OF ACT ONE

ACT II

(B)

INT. NEWSROOM - DAY - (DAY 2)
(Dan, Casey, Dana, Jeremy, Kim, Elliot)

JEREMY'S SITTING AT A DESK AND TYPING AWAY.  DAN LEANS AGAINST A
NEARBY DESK AS ELLIOT AND KIM PASS BY IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.

ELLIOT

Anybody seen Dana?

KIM

She's been locked in her office with
Casey for the past hour.

JEREMY

Elliot, any chance we can get Vinnie
Testaverde on the phone.

ELLIOT

We can try.

JEREMY

And Kim?

KIM

Yeah.

JEREMY

Passing yards on third down.

KIM

Career passing?

JEREMY

Just with the Jets.

KIM GOES OFF--

DAN

I've left messages everywhere.

JEREMY

(CALLING) Kim!

KIM

Yeah.

JEREMY

Cleveland too.

DAN

You think there's a chance she's gonna
call me back?

JEREMY

Sure.  Elliot, what's happening over
there?

ELLIOT

They're getting the team PR guy.

DAN

I think there's no chance she's gonna
call me back.

JEREMY

Yeah, I wouldn't be that optimistic.

DAN

The words sound like they should mean
the other thing.

JEREMY

I know.

DAN

It's preposterous.  I'll tell you what
else:  Inflammable shouldn't mean
flammable.
It should mean the opposite of
flammable.  But it doesn't.  Inflammable
means flammable, and honestly, of all
the words to screw around with--

JEREMY

Kim--

KIM

It's coming.

DAN

"Enervate" doesn't mean "energize"
even though you think it's gonna.

JEREMY

Pitted olives have no pits.

DAN

You're not taking this seriously.

JEREMY

I'm taking the ratings guy seriously.

DAN

Do we know anything more?

JEREMY

No.  He's coming today.

DANA AND CASEY COME AROUND THE CORNER--

CASEY

You are about five different kinds of
crazy, you know that?!

DANA

I don't think this is the time or
place, do you?

CASEY

No, you're right, let's discuss it six
months from now after I've had more
experience with psychos.

DANA

I have to talk to Isaac now.

CASEY

What if I just flat out refuse.

DANA

What do you mean?

CASEY

What if I just refuse to go along with
your plan.

DANA

Then you do not get the wonder that is
me.

CASEY

I'm not sure I want the wonder that is
you.

DANA

That's entirely up to you.

CASEY

Yes it is.

DANA

That's right.

CASEY

Okay.

DANA

Fine.

CASEY

I want to kill you right now.

DANA

Problem is that's not the only thing
you want to do with me right now, is
it?

CASEY

(BEAT) No, that's pretty much it.

DANA

I have to talk to Isaac.

DANA STARTS OUT--

DAN

What's the problem here?

DANA

(OVER HER SHOULDER) He's mad 'cause I
had an epiphany and he didn't.

DANA'S GONE...

CASEY

This isn't happening.

CUT TO:

ACT II

(C)

INT. ISAAC'S OFFICE/EXECUTIVE CORRIDOR/NEWSROOM/CONTROL
ROOM/STUDIO/EDITING ROOM/STUDIO - DAY - (DAY 2)
(Casey, Isaac, Dana, Natalie)

ISAAC IS WORKING AT HIS DESK WHEN THERE'S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR--

ISAAC

Come in.

DANA STEPS IN.

DANA

Hi.

ISAAC

How was the hooker party?

DANA

Biker party.  It was fine.  How was
therapy?

ISAAC

I walked a tenth of a mile on the
treadmill.

DANA

Good.  Who's the ratings guy?

ISAAC

Dana, don't go all--

DANA

Who's the ratings guy?

ISAAC

His name's Sam Donovan.

DANA

Is he good?

ISAAC

No I decided to hire a moron.

DANA

Isaac--

ISAAC

I think he's the best in the business,
I think there's no one else close.

DANA

Who do I answer to, you or him?

ISAAC

That's not how we--

DANA

Isaac?  Who do I answer to, you or him?

ISAAC

(BEAT)  I want you to work with him,
Dana.  I want you to make this work.
It'll just be a short while.

DANA

You didn't have to do this, Isaac.

ISAAC

We're in third place.

DANA

We were ticking up on our own.

ISAAC

Not fast enough.

DANA

Fast enough for you, fast enough for
us.

ISAAC

Not fast enough for them.

DANA

I gotta tell you, the sight of you,
the sight of Isaac Jaffee fearing for
his job is enough to make me--

ISAAC

Work with him, Dana.

ISAAC AND DANA STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT...

ISAAC (CONT'D)

I want you to make this work.

CUT TO:

INT. EXECUTIVE CORRIDOR - (DAY 2)

CASEY AND NATALIE ARE BOTH STANDING OUTSIDE ISAAC'S DOOR,
EACH TAKING A WALL TO LEAN AGAINST.

NATALIE

(AFTER A MOMENT) Is there a number?

CASEY

What?

NATALIE

Is there a set number of women?

CASEY

I don't know.

NATALIE

'Cause if there's a set number of
women, maybe you can just get 'em outa
the way bing-bam-boom.

CASEY

Bing-bam-boom?

NATALIE

That was me getting women out of the
way really fast.

CASEY

You don't think her epiphany sounds
insane?

NATALIE

I sorta do, yeah.  But she didn't run
it by me, so this is the kinda thing
that happens.

CASEY

No, this is the kinda thing that
happens when she does run it by you,
so I'm surprised to hear you weren't
involved.

NATALIE

Turning on me isn't gonna solve
anything.

ISAAC'S DOOR OPENS AND DANA WALKS OUT. CASEY AND nATALIE
FALL INTO STEP AS THEY WALK DOWN THE CORRIDOR--

CASEY

What'd he say?

DANA

His name's Sam Donovan, he's supposed
to be very good.

CASEY

Did Isaac say why, all of a sudden, he
decided to--

DANA

Why do you think?  Natalie, lemme have
senior staff at ten minutes to air.

NATALIE

Sure.  By the way, this plan?

DANA

Yeah.

NATALIE

Never ran it by me.

DANA

I'm trusting my instincts on this one.

NATALIE

It shows.

DANA

(TO CASEY) I've gotta get to work.

CASEY FOLLOWS DANA INTO--

INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS - (DAY 2)

CASEY

Dana, I've dated women before.

DANA

You have not.

CASEY

What about that double-date at Anthony
Anthony's with you and Gordon?  That
almost turned very serious with that
girl.

DANA

What was her name?

CASEY

For the life of me I can't remember.

DANA

That's because you ended up sitting at
the bar with me watching Sports Night.

CASEY

What about Sally?

DANA

That wasn't dating.

CASEY

We slept together almost every night
for three months.

INT. CONTROL ROOM - CONTINUOUS - (DAY 2)

DANA

Thanks for reminding me.

CASEY

Dana--

DANA

That wasn't dating, that was two
lonely and pathetic people slinking...

INT. STUDIO - CONTINUOUS - (DAY 2)

DANA (CONT'D)

...off after her crappy little two
a.m. show, getting drunk and using
each other for sex.

CASEY

That's not dating?

DANA

No.

CASEY

(PAUSE)  Okay, but still, can I just do
that for a while and we'll call it--

DANA

No sir.

CASEY

Listen--

INT. EDITING ROOM - CONTINUOUS - (DAY 2)

DANA

Casey, I have dated.  And I'm done.  The
next thing I have, I want it to be
serious.

CASEY

The last thing you had, you were
engaged, how much more--

DANA

You gotta trust me on this.

CASEY

No, I don't think I do have to trust
you on this.  We have a magical first
kiss in my office--

DANA

I do not deny it was magical.

CASEY

You better not deny it was magical.  I
took you off your feet, woman, I
rocked you back.

DANA

I do not deny it.

CASEY

I plan our first date.  Moomba, Cafe
des Artiste--

DANA

Carriage rides are out, by the way.

CASEY

They are not out, they are back in.

DANA

Yeah, if you're from Akron.

CASEY FOLLOWS DANA OUT INTO--

INT. STUDIO - CONTINUOUS - (DAY 2)

CASEY

Hey--

DANA

I'm not saying I wouldn't have had a
good time.

CASEY

This woman comes along at your biker
party--

DANA

Deanna.

CASEY

--this bitter, drunken lesbian woman.

DANA

Now why would you do that?  Why would
you go to lesbian right there.

CASEY

Are you saying--

DANA

Tell me you're not a homophobe.

CASEY

--in order to prove to you that I'm
grown-up enough to go out with you,
you're gonna make me go out and find
other women to sample first?

DANA

I'm not even gonna ask for approval.

CASEY

Thanks.

DANA

Casey--

CASEY

Dana--

DANA

We'll have more time to talk about
this later.  Just know that I want to
give us the best possible chance.

CASEY

And so you're gonna have me date your
friends.

DANA

I've gotta go.  You're all right?

CASEY

Actually I'm frightened of my own
life, but I'll talk to you later.

DANA

Good.

DANA GOES OFF AND WE

CUT TO:

ACT II

(D)

INT. DAN AND CASEY'S OFFICE/NEWSROOM/CONFERENCE ROOM - NIGHT -
(NIGHT 2)
(Dan, Casey, Dana, Jeremy, Natalie, Kim, Dave, Sam)

DAN AND CASEY ARE IN SHIRTS AND TIES.  CASEY SITS WITH HIS
FEET UP ON THE DESK, DAN LEANS AGAINST THE DESK AND STARES
OUT THE WINDOW.

DAN

I'm gonna have to live with this.

CASEY

Yes.

DAN

She never returned my calls.

CASEY

That's pretty surprising.

DAN

She never returned my calls, and I'm
gonna have to live with this the rest
of my natural life.  (PAUSE)  It's out
there now.  And it's probably getting
blown all out of proportion.  (PAUSE)
Listen.  You can hear the whispers
from the tree tops.  You know a lie can
make it halfway around the world
before the truth has a chance to get
its boots on.

CASEY

What are you, Burl Ives all of a
sudden?

DAN

As a matter of fact that was Mark
Twain.

CASEY

I know who it was.

DAN

And so do I and I'm able to quote him
because I'm educated.  I know things.
You work your whole life and in an
instant--

CASEY

Yes.

DAN

I'm sure she's told her friends by
now.

NATALIE POPS HER HEAD IN--

NATALIE

Let's go.

NATALIE POPS BACK OUT.

DAN

It's just out there.

CASEY

Danny--

DAN

And it can't be gotten back.

CASEY

What do you think I should do about
this?

DAN

I think you do what she tells you to
do.  She had a weird night at a party,
things'll look different in the cold
light of day.

THEY HEAD INTO--

INT. NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS - (NIGHT 2)

CASEY

You think?

DAN

Does the plan include you're supposed
to have sex?

CASEY

I don't know, I assume it's an option.

DAN

And you've explained to her that the
plan is insane?

CASEY

I'm trying.

DAN

You want me to take a whack at it?

CASEY

No.

THEY WALK INTO--

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS - (NIGHT 2)

DANA, NATALIE, JEREMY, KIM, AND DAVE ARE SITTING AROUND THE
TABLE.  NOBODY'S REALLY TALKING.

DAN

What's goin' on?

DANA

I wanted us to say hello to Sam
Donovan before the show started.

CASEY

I'm sorry?

DANA

I said I wanted us to say hello to Sam
Donovan, the ratings consultant,
before the show started.

CASEY

I thought you said I was thinking
about my dating plan and realized I
was mental.

DANA

No.

DAN

Where is he?

DANA

I don't know.

DAN

Can I just say that I've had
experience with this before, and I
think you're all a little too worried
about nothing.  These guys tend to be
obnoxious, but I've found that they're
mostly obsequious and starved for
acceptance.

NOBODY SAYS ANTYING FOR A LONG MOMENT...

DAN (CONT'D)

Boned and De-Boned mean the same
thing.

DAVE

Would you give it a rest.

CASEY

Actually, Danny's right.  These guys
just want to be liked.  We show him
that he's perfectly welcome here, but
make it clear that we do a good show,
it's our show, and we're reluctant to
have the network involved in creative
or editorial decisions.

DANA

We can't do that.

CASEY

Why?

DANA

'Cause Isaac wants me to work with
him.

CASEY

Dana--

DANA

I'm gonna work with him, Casey.  It's
just for a few weeks.

THERE'S ANOTHER LONG SILENCE BEFORE...

DAN

There's such a word as "disheveled,"
but "sheveled" is nowhere to be found
in the dictionary.

CASEY

Danny--

DAN

I'm just sayin' English sucks.

THERE'S ANOTHER LONG SILENCE BEFORE...

DANA

We're starting to press the clock.
Dave, do me a favor, get us at
Ready-1, Kim/Elliot, go ahead and do
your pre-flight.

KIM, ELLIOT AND DAVE EXIT...THERE'S ANOTHER LONG SILENCE.

CASEY

Exactly how many dates do I--

DANA

Later.

SILENCE.

JEREMY

This is nice.  This is like quiet
time.

DANA

(GETTING UP)  The hell with it.  Let's
do the show and then--

THE CONFERENCE ROOM DOOR OPENS AND SAM DONOVAN STANDS
THERE.  HE'S SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 35 AND 45 AND IT MIGHT EVEN
BE IMPOSSIBLE TO GUESS HIS AGE WITHIN TEN YEARS EITHER WAY.
HE HASN'T SHAVED IN A DAY OR TWO AND THERE'S A DUFFLE BAG
THROWN OVER HIS SHOULDER.

SAM

Excuse me.

DANA

Are you Sam Donovan?

SAM

Yeah, I was looking for my office?

DANA

I'm Dana Whitaker.

SAM

How're you doing.

DAN

Dan Rydell.

CASEY

Casey McCall.

SAM

Good to meet you.  If someone could
just point me toward my office--

DANA

We got together like this to welcome you.

SAM

Thanks. (BEAT)

THERE'S AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE BEFORE...

SAM (CONT'D)

My office?

DANA

(BEAT)  I'm sorry, you don't have one
yet, but I'm sure that Janie, our
office manager--

SAM

That'll be taken care of by the
morning?

DANA

(BEAT)  Yeah.

SAM

Who's the segment producer tonight?

NATALIE

I am.

SAM

What's your top story, Oakland or Ted
Marchibroda?

NATALIE

Ted Marchibroda.

SAM

Make is Oakland, would you.  Move
Marchibroda to the 10-block and fill
with the wildcard.  Are you scripted in
the ones?

JEREMY

Yeah, but--

DANA

Excuse me, Jeremy.  Sam?  What're you
doing?

SAM

Hm?

DANA

I said what are you doing?

SAM

It's gonna be helpful if you get used
to not asking that question.

DAN

Hang on.  You can't come in here and
just start dictating policy.  Now we're
ready to work with you, as long as you
understand this is our show and we
feel we do it well.  You should also
bear in mind that Dana doesn't stand
alone here.  And unless you want your
first action as a consultant to cause
a full-staff walkout, including the on-
air talent and producers, I'd
downshift a little.

SAM

(PAUSE)  You shouldn't think that just
because I'm looking at you while you're
talking to me that I'm necessarily
listening to or caring about what you're
saying. (BEAT)  It's just something I do to
be polite.  (BEAT)  I was lying on a beach
in Bali, I got a phone call, I got on a
plane for 14 hours.  I was hired to raise
this show's audience share three points,
but between you and me, I'm gonna raise it
three and a half.  I'm not lacking in
confidence as far as that's concerned.
And because of that, I can say this:  I
honestly don't give a damn if any of you
work here or not.

AND WITH THIS WE START TO HEAR THE SPORTS NIGHT THEME CREEP
UP UNDER.  THE ROOM IS FAIRLY STUNNED AT HOW THINGS HAVE
CHANGED SO QUICKLY.

THE MUSIC CONTINUES AS...

SAM (CONT'D)

Who's the coordinating producer tonight?

NATALIE

I am.

SAM

I've got 10:55.  You wanna call places?

NATALIE LOOKS AT DANA, UNSURE WHAT TO DO...DANA DOESN'T
TAKE HER EYES OFF SAM...THE MUSIC CONTINUES...

DANA

Places.  First team.

NOBODY MOVES...

DAN

Dana--

DANA

Go ahead, guys.

CASEY

No, wait a second--

DANA

It's okay.  Go ahead.

CASEY

You sure?

DANA

Yeah. Good show.

AFTER A MOMENT THE ROOM HAS CLEARED OUT OF ALL EXCEPT DANA
AND SAM AS THE MUSIC CONTINUES...

DANA (CONT'D)

I'm not gonna like you very much, am
I?

SAM

(BEAT)  Don't be ridiculous, Dana.
Everybody likes me.

HARD CUT TO:

ACT II

(E)

INT. STUDIO/CONTROL ROOM - MINUTES LATER - (NIGHT 2)
(Dan, Casey, Dana, Jeremy, Natalie, Elliot, Chris, Will,
Dave, Sam, Atmosphere)

THE MUSIC EXPLODES INTO--

DAVE

In three...two--

DAN

Good evening from New York City, I'm
Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall.
Those stories plus, Inside the
Playbook with Kelly Kirkpatrick,--

AS WE MOVE AROUND, WE SEE THAT SAM IS STANDING BESIDE ONE
OF THE CAMERAS IN INTENSE OBSERVATION--

DAN (CONT'D)

--Center Ice with Jack Jankowitz and
the Infield Fly with Connie Morton in
Chicago.

CASEY

All that comin' up after this, you're
watching Sports Night on CSC, so stick
around.

FADE TO BLACK.

END OF SHOW